Earn the right to marry someone

Not being able to appreciate the culture of your partner can pose huge challenges for a relationship. In the increasingly diverse populations of metropolitan areas in North America, you never know who you might like and fall in love with. So no amount of diversity training can prepare you for the challenges of a relationship. But one more thing that you realize when you date someone different is that marriage is not always the next step. You have to earn the right to marry someone by demonstrating your commitment. Let us take a look at Les' case and see how he has to deal with learning more about a very different culture.

Les lives in Vancouver and works as a customer service rep. During work, he met an Indonesian lady who was studying English as a second language. He says, "We have been seeing each other often since last year. The ironic thing is that I met her through one of her classmates who was then her close friend. She was not romantically involved with him and he later moved on. I remained friends with her with no romantic intentions at all, but it seemed like she was very interested in me and we were getting closer. I asked her about her friend and she made it very clear that they were just good friends, nothing more. During Christmas she asked if she could come and spend Christmas with me and also play vidoe games together. She said she wanted to cook me a meal and bring it over that evening for our supper. I agreed and we spent Christmas eve together and had a wonderful time and the food was so good. There was no touching, kissing, or anything else between us at this point. As it was getting late, I asked her if she wanted to stay the night and she said YES! I did not know how to approach this, so I told her that I have an extra bed, which she can have. I told her that I did not believe in physical intimacy outside of marriage and hoped this was not a problem for her. We slept in separate rooms and I made her breakfast in the morning which she enjoyed very much. She seemed very happy to be with me. Just before she left that day, I told her that I cared for her a lot . I gave her an hug and tried to kiss her, but she turned away and said softly "Indonesian girls don't kiss". I was very embarrassed and I apologized for my ignorance. She gave me a warm embrace and then I drove her to her place. I called her and apologized again and she said, "Don't worry about it, it is okay...I was just a little bit surprised; that's all". I told her that I did not want to lose her and she said, "It was okay...it is just that we Indonesian girls do not know how to express our feelings because we are a very conservative culture". I was a bit relieved. She told me that she is happy to get to know me and get closer. Because we are both very busy with my work and her school, we do not see each other as often as we would like, but whenever we are together, we make the most of it. I would love to marry this girl, but I am a divorcee and a few years older than her. I was very honest with her and she seems not to mind and I hope this is true. She comes from a single parent home. Her dad passed away when she was very young. Her mom is still in Jakarta. I am taking one day at a time. Even if marriage does not happen, I am very happy to remain her friend. I have met a few Asian women, but she surpasses them all. Now my question is that...do you think I have a chance? Should I just take it easy and see where this goes? I am trying to learn as much as I can of her culture and she has been helping me a lot. Although I know she cares for me deeply, I still feel that I do not know her that much. She seems very transparent towards me but she does not speak much about her feelings. She is one woman who can look me right in the eye and not blink, and all I see is love in her eyes. She has hinted to me that she wishes she could stay longer in Canada or else come back again. I am hoping to convince her to stay or come back again which I know will not be a problem. What do you suggest I do? "

It seems that your relationship has been built on very solid foundation and that is a good sign. You will, however, need to earn the right to marry her. Here are a few things that you need to do to make sure that she understands what you wish and she can prepare herself for it:

• Increase the frequency of your communication. It does not always have to be a date but you can still communicate regularly with her through email, phone, online chat, etc. If she agrees, then you should at least try to get together as often as you both feel comfortable for a quick cup of coffee or a drink after work or do something fun during the weekends. This is important so that she knows that you are actively pursuing her and are not seeing anyone else.
• Try to be more romantic towards her through suggestive activities, e.g. send her flowers sometimes, buy her small gifts once in a while, and send her cards when you think it will be appropriate.
• Earn her trust so that she will understand that you truly are ready for marriage with a woman who comes from a totally different culture. You can do this by trying to learn more about her culture and joining her for her festivals and other cultural celebrations.
• Finally, give her indications that you will support her if she needs it to return to Canada. Offer her help with living arrangements or if she needs any financial support. This will not only give her enough reason to think of you as something more than a friend, she will understand that you want to tie the knot with her.

Related article: Attracting a reluctant woman: tips and suggestions for men