Interracial dating challenges
Interracial relationships can be difficulty particularly when the language is a problem. Not only the cultural differences can pose challenges when you cannot communicate easily, these can get worse. Here is an example of Jake in Cupertino, California, who has a difficult time communicating with her Japanese girlfriend. He writes, "This is embarrassing to tell you but I have been very introverted and have not been out with a girl for some time. Kotoyo, a Japanese student who is learning English and taking accent reduction classes in the local college, lives around my friendÂ’'s house (which he rents to language students) and he was aware not just how lonely I was but also how lonely she was. He saw it as a good chance to bring us two lonely people together and invited us for a meal at his home. Since then we have seen each other about once every 10 days on an average. Last time we were out she explained that she cannot stay here without work. Her visa is running out and her family is wanting her home. Last time she also said "If I go back to Japan I want you to meet my friend (her only friend) as she is single like you." I do not know how to read this but nothing has happened between me and Kotoyo yet and she is offering me alternative female company in her absence. It is very strange. What do I make of all of this?"
Despite a lot of Japanese women being exotic to a point that blows your mind away - there are thousands of them that are so shy that they would not even touch you. Many of these women come from outside of metropolitan areas where nothing seems to happen and these women just go on with their lives being lonely and frustrated. There are no good men to date and some day their families force them to go an arranged date and then someone forces them to marry some day. There is not a lot of love in those relationships but they get married just for the heck of it. They have kids and family but they remain lonely. Men get some spice in their lives by going to 'hostess clubs' or get a lover while women might just focus on children or pick a hobby (music, painting, etc.) or in many cases get a lover too (maybe a college student who needs some money to support himself).
Many Japanese girls that fail to find a husband start to have many complexes about themselves as they grow older (I am not attractive enough, not sexy enough, no man likes me, maybe I will not perform well if I try to be intimate and thus I will be rejected by the man - and it becomes a vicious circle; they avoid intimacy because they think they lack experience, will under-perform, and lose the man). We have heard cases of women who go overseas and get shocked when a man offers to kiss them because they have not kissed in years. Please also remember that a large number of Japanese men are just too shy and never take the initiative to do what normal couples do on a date - holding hands, kissing, necking, or intimacy. Additionally, Japanese system is such that there is little privacy on a date - it is a taboo to touch a person in public and kissing in public can literally make traffic stop. Most young people live with their parents or live in such tiny apartments that you rarely bring someone home. So no intimacy happens unless you reach a point that you can openly suggest a trip to a 'love hotel'.
Many of these women get out of Japan to put some excitement in their lives - they are fed up, bored, and just want to have a good time before they become housewives for the rest of their lives. Going overseas to learn a language or Flamenco (a relatively popular dance in Japan) or something else artistic is common. Some countries offer working holiday visas to the Japanese and these women go there to work in resorts or hotels where a lot of Japanese tourists go and the management needs native Japanese speaking staff. Some of these women turn into wild party animals when they are overseas - they see it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and do things that they would not do otherwise in Japan (go to parties, hang out with all kinds of wild people - you get the picture).
A large number of them actually go through a great culture shock when they arrive in a foreign country. First, they have the language problem. While most non-Japanese will speak even few words of a foreign language even if they make mistakes (they think that it is OK to make mistakes and learn from them - how else are they going to learn a foreign language?), the Japanese (perfectionists that they are), do not like to make mistakes, and for fear of making a mistake, will not speak unless they are fully confident of their sentences. Another vicious circle - it takes them longer to learn a new language and they can give up rather easily.
The second problem they face overseas is the culture - it is all so new to them that they do not know how to respond. Many of them actually coalesce with other Japanese and that is why on many university campuses, Japanese are notorious for hanging out only with other Japanese and speaking only Japanese. It has caused a lot of damage to their reputation and other people then do not make friends with them because they think that these folks are not truly interested in them. However, many Japanese actually get very lonely in this process since their Japanese companions are not always their friends - they are together not by choice but by lack of choice.
Thirdly, despite the fact that a lot of non-Japanese people love the way these women look and dress, many Japanese women are very conscious about their bodies (they are not tall enough, bust is not large enough, legs are unshapely, teeth are deformed, practically no hips, etc.). Japanese admire Caucasian bodies and that is why so many models in Japan are not Japanese (even mannequins in Japan are typically blonde or have bodies that Japanese women can only dream of). So when they see these gorgeous Caucasian women around them, their confidence sinks. They assume that no one will like them in such an environment. I have also heard that due to this attitude, they try to win over men by willing to engage in any kind of physical intimacy imaginable.
It appears that Kotoyo might be going through some of these things. She might have perceived your initial approach as too pushy which she might have found overwhelming. Also remember that many women who are not sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives in a foreign country are less inclined to commit themselves to a relationship. It is still very hard for a Japanese woman to marry a foreigner and not be discriminated in Japan by her family and friends. In fact, in most cases, the pressure to breakup is just too strong. Thus, the really nice girls (which Kotoyo might be) do not engage into a relationship when they know in their hearts that they are not committed to it and do not want to hurt the other person. While it may be in easy decision for you - I can be with anyone whom I like - it is not so easy for her. The Japanese call it 'gaman suru' - which essentially means I am willing to suffer for the sake of the world around me. It seems that she is struggling to make up her mind thinking about all these issues. She is unsure of herself, her life, and the choices that she is making. She is really confused and she does not what to do.
In proposing that you date her friend, she is essentially being nice to you - she is showing her kindness to you. "If he likes Japanese girls, maybe he will be happy with this girl; but I do not have to commit to anything". She is trying to run away from the situation and hoping that you will not be hurt because someone else will be there in place of her for you.
From what you have told me it is clear that while you like her, you have not truly declared your romantic feelings for her. Yes, you have been shy too in demonstrating your feelings for her. You have not taken the initiative in physical intimacy with her. Who knows that she might very well think that you are just a good friend?
Would it not be a great idea for you to arrange a romantic date with her immediately? Flowers, you pick her up, and go to a romantic dinner - and then you invite her to your place (make up an excuse or somehow just make it happen as if she has no choice but to go to your apartment - in Japan, the way it is done is that you party so late that you can not find a train back home - trains in Japan stop running at some point in the night - or offer to cook a meal for her in your home, a technique that works 100% of the time, it allows you to invite her to your apartment and it appears that it is only a meal and you can make it romantic by having flowers, lamps, and music - and then you essentially seduce her - be slow, unless she wants it, limit yourself to showing some romance like hugs, sitting close together, maybe a kiss.....Only if things go well!)
If you truly want her to stay you have to give her enough reason to stay for you - like you are interested in a romantic relationship with her, you really like her, you will help her in some way with her visa situation, etc. At this point, as you tell me, her visa is running out, she has no money left, and you are just coming across as a nice guy who is not willing to go beyond a certain point - what guarantee does she have that if she stays or tries to come back you are there for her beyond a good friend?
Since she is going away anyway for now, I would suggest that you try hard for one last time. I always like to play the worst and the best case scenarios and assign value to each and then decide whatever scenario has the highest value. Here is the downside - you might come across as a really pushy guy who wanted to be her lover while she did not have any feelings for you and did not want to spend the rest of her life with you (Big deal! She might think that about all foreigners and feel bad for them!).
The upside - she might see the ray of hope that she was waiting for, she might realize that you are beyond a friend, there is enough reason to stay in California, she is old enough to have a hard time finding a man in Japan; so why not be with someone who truly cares for you, etc. I see a lot more upside in trying for the last time than downside. No woman feels bad if she is wanted - so if you truly express what you feel, she will be delighted.
While logistically she might not be able to stay now - the visa is running out and you may not want to marry her tomorrow - but you might give her enough reason to come back - offer to stay with you (if that is possible) to save on housing or let her have your car (so that she does not need to buy one - if that is applicable in your case), or help in securing a part-time job. In fact anything that will make her feel that she will be secure and taken care of and not have to worry about money all that much.
Related link: Do not let shyness stop you from a great relationship
Despite a lot of Japanese women being exotic to a point that blows your mind away - there are thousands of them that are so shy that they would not even touch you. Many of these women come from outside of metropolitan areas where nothing seems to happen and these women just go on with their lives being lonely and frustrated. There are no good men to date and some day their families force them to go an arranged date and then someone forces them to marry some day. There is not a lot of love in those relationships but they get married just for the heck of it. They have kids and family but they remain lonely. Men get some spice in their lives by going to 'hostess clubs' or get a lover while women might just focus on children or pick a hobby (music, painting, etc.) or in many cases get a lover too (maybe a college student who needs some money to support himself).
Many Japanese girls that fail to find a husband start to have many complexes about themselves as they grow older (I am not attractive enough, not sexy enough, no man likes me, maybe I will not perform well if I try to be intimate and thus I will be rejected by the man - and it becomes a vicious circle; they avoid intimacy because they think they lack experience, will under-perform, and lose the man). We have heard cases of women who go overseas and get shocked when a man offers to kiss them because they have not kissed in years. Please also remember that a large number of Japanese men are just too shy and never take the initiative to do what normal couples do on a date - holding hands, kissing, necking, or intimacy. Additionally, Japanese system is such that there is little privacy on a date - it is a taboo to touch a person in public and kissing in public can literally make traffic stop. Most young people live with their parents or live in such tiny apartments that you rarely bring someone home. So no intimacy happens unless you reach a point that you can openly suggest a trip to a 'love hotel'.
Many of these women get out of Japan to put some excitement in their lives - they are fed up, bored, and just want to have a good time before they become housewives for the rest of their lives. Going overseas to learn a language or Flamenco (a relatively popular dance in Japan) or something else artistic is common. Some countries offer working holiday visas to the Japanese and these women go there to work in resorts or hotels where a lot of Japanese tourists go and the management needs native Japanese speaking staff. Some of these women turn into wild party animals when they are overseas - they see it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and do things that they would not do otherwise in Japan (go to parties, hang out with all kinds of wild people - you get the picture).
A large number of them actually go through a great culture shock when they arrive in a foreign country. First, they have the language problem. While most non-Japanese will speak even few words of a foreign language even if they make mistakes (they think that it is OK to make mistakes and learn from them - how else are they going to learn a foreign language?), the Japanese (perfectionists that they are), do not like to make mistakes, and for fear of making a mistake, will not speak unless they are fully confident of their sentences. Another vicious circle - it takes them longer to learn a new language and they can give up rather easily.
The second problem they face overseas is the culture - it is all so new to them that they do not know how to respond. Many of them actually coalesce with other Japanese and that is why on many university campuses, Japanese are notorious for hanging out only with other Japanese and speaking only Japanese. It has caused a lot of damage to their reputation and other people then do not make friends with them because they think that these folks are not truly interested in them. However, many Japanese actually get very lonely in this process since their Japanese companions are not always their friends - they are together not by choice but by lack of choice.
Thirdly, despite the fact that a lot of non-Japanese people love the way these women look and dress, many Japanese women are very conscious about their bodies (they are not tall enough, bust is not large enough, legs are unshapely, teeth are deformed, practically no hips, etc.). Japanese admire Caucasian bodies and that is why so many models in Japan are not Japanese (even mannequins in Japan are typically blonde or have bodies that Japanese women can only dream of). So when they see these gorgeous Caucasian women around them, their confidence sinks. They assume that no one will like them in such an environment. I have also heard that due to this attitude, they try to win over men by willing to engage in any kind of physical intimacy imaginable.
It appears that Kotoyo might be going through some of these things. She might have perceived your initial approach as too pushy which she might have found overwhelming. Also remember that many women who are not sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives in a foreign country are less inclined to commit themselves to a relationship. It is still very hard for a Japanese woman to marry a foreigner and not be discriminated in Japan by her family and friends. In fact, in most cases, the pressure to breakup is just too strong. Thus, the really nice girls (which Kotoyo might be) do not engage into a relationship when they know in their hearts that they are not committed to it and do not want to hurt the other person. While it may be in easy decision for you - I can be with anyone whom I like - it is not so easy for her. The Japanese call it 'gaman suru' - which essentially means I am willing to suffer for the sake of the world around me. It seems that she is struggling to make up her mind thinking about all these issues. She is unsure of herself, her life, and the choices that she is making. She is really confused and she does not what to do.
In proposing that you date her friend, she is essentially being nice to you - she is showing her kindness to you. "If he likes Japanese girls, maybe he will be happy with this girl; but I do not have to commit to anything". She is trying to run away from the situation and hoping that you will not be hurt because someone else will be there in place of her for you.
From what you have told me it is clear that while you like her, you have not truly declared your romantic feelings for her. Yes, you have been shy too in demonstrating your feelings for her. You have not taken the initiative in physical intimacy with her. Who knows that she might very well think that you are just a good friend?
Would it not be a great idea for you to arrange a romantic date with her immediately? Flowers, you pick her up, and go to a romantic dinner - and then you invite her to your place (make up an excuse or somehow just make it happen as if she has no choice but to go to your apartment - in Japan, the way it is done is that you party so late that you can not find a train back home - trains in Japan stop running at some point in the night - or offer to cook a meal for her in your home, a technique that works 100% of the time, it allows you to invite her to your apartment and it appears that it is only a meal and you can make it romantic by having flowers, lamps, and music - and then you essentially seduce her - be slow, unless she wants it, limit yourself to showing some romance like hugs, sitting close together, maybe a kiss.....Only if things go well!)
If you truly want her to stay you have to give her enough reason to stay for you - like you are interested in a romantic relationship with her, you really like her, you will help her in some way with her visa situation, etc. At this point, as you tell me, her visa is running out, she has no money left, and you are just coming across as a nice guy who is not willing to go beyond a certain point - what guarantee does she have that if she stays or tries to come back you are there for her beyond a good friend?
Since she is going away anyway for now, I would suggest that you try hard for one last time. I always like to play the worst and the best case scenarios and assign value to each and then decide whatever scenario has the highest value. Here is the downside - you might come across as a really pushy guy who wanted to be her lover while she did not have any feelings for you and did not want to spend the rest of her life with you (Big deal! She might think that about all foreigners and feel bad for them!).
The upside - she might see the ray of hope that she was waiting for, she might realize that you are beyond a friend, there is enough reason to stay in California, she is old enough to have a hard time finding a man in Japan; so why not be with someone who truly cares for you, etc. I see a lot more upside in trying for the last time than downside. No woman feels bad if she is wanted - so if you truly express what you feel, she will be delighted.
While logistically she might not be able to stay now - the visa is running out and you may not want to marry her tomorrow - but you might give her enough reason to come back - offer to stay with you (if that is possible) to save on housing or let her have your car (so that she does not need to buy one - if that is applicable in your case), or help in securing a part-time job. In fact anything that will make her feel that she will be secure and taken care of and not have to worry about money all that much.
Related link: Do not let shyness stop you from a great relationship
posted by eCreativa Media | 2:36 PM
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