Go slow in online dating

According to the latest statistics, as many as 12% of the relationships today start online. No wonder someone you know has found love online. While this is a totally new way of meeting people, we have quickly accustomed ourselves to the new reality. Exchanging emails and SMS, sending photos and video clips, or chatting online with your webcams on are all being interpreted as "virtual dates." There are many advantages to it which I have highlighted in several articles on internet dating and online matchmaking but sometimes we might do things online that we do not normally do in person - and that can be a problem.

Let us look at Erna's situation. She is a 47-year old, who after many years of being divorced, found someone that she clicked immediately. "We have the same interests, laugh a lot, have the same morals and mottos in life. He lives more than a thousand miles away. We've exchanged photos and spoke over the phone, literally for hours on end! We talk about our deepest feelings, dreams and wishes. Then he even said to me one day that he loved me. It was the most wonderful set of words and I reciprocated with the same words. We were on an absolute high for several weeks. I trust him, and feel calm and can be myself in his company, and he is doing the same. People asked me how do I know that it is real love, and I just know; he is the one for me. We both had stormy relationships in the past and we both want to do it right all the way this time. He is committed and wants to take things further, so he bought me a plane ticket to come and visit him and his family in three weeks' time. We are both so excited and are having smiles on our faces and are so in love, I feel like a teenager. He is a shy person, but has a strong character. I am a bit more outgoing. I sent him lots of SMS, e-mails, MMS, telling him about my love for him. I wonder if I might have started smothering him, because over the weekend, he became very quiet. Although we had spoken on Friday right through the night! He phoned me today and said that he feels 99% strong about us, but has a 1% doubt about his feelings. He said he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by keeping quiet and tagging me along. I do appreciate his honesty tremendously and think he is indeed very brave to tell me that, because he had a hard time getting it out to me. I asked if he needed time to think things over and he said he just need things to slow down a bit, because he is so scared that the same thing would happen like in his previous relationships, where he also felt 100% sure before-hand and then it went downhill. He still wants us to communicate and he still wants me to visit him, because he wants to see me in person to make sure of his feelings. He said he loves me very much; that did not change. I am so scared I don't know what to do, because I would climb mountains for this man, but don't know how to approach things from here on to make sure I don't chase him away for ever. Please help."

Indeed a case in which showing too much love in too short a time can turn a man off. While there is no reason to panic when a man (or even a woman) responds with caution. This could merely be a case of Jennifer Wilbanks who panicked when the moment of truth came. In my opinion and experience working with couples, such feelings are common prior to meeting someone (for the first time) that you think you know so well.

First of all, Erna's relationship has been "virtual." She needs to make it real by actually visiting him and spending some time with him before making any further decisions. While it is easy to feel that you are deeply and madly in love when you meet someone virtually, it is only when you meet someone in flesh and blood that you learn so much more about a person - stuff that is critical to making important decisions about a relationship. So there is no need for Erna to change plans in any way about meeting him, but she should keep her expectations under control.

It is obvious that they both may have overdone the communication part since it easy to do that using all the tools that we have. Sending an email in the middle of the night or sending an SMS while sitting in a business meeting is so easy, but it can also scare some people and that is what may be happening to him. It is simply so easy to say "I love you" in an email or a chat - it is not so easy when you look right into the other person's eyes.

So my recommendation is that you change nothing at all except that you limit your communication with him. So one contact (either by email or phone) per day is enough till you see him. And when you do see him, treat it as your first date and not your honeymoon. Use the opportunity to learn more about him and do not make any decisions while you are there. Come back, give yourself some time, talk to friends and family, and then decide if he is the man for you.

In the meantime, learn more about dating and pleasing a man so that when you do see him, you do all the right things.

Recommended article: Dating after divorce