Is he gay?

Magaret recently started dating a divorced man and she says that she not only loves him but also accepts everything about him. But there is a part of his personality that she has found out only recently. He is one of those men who like to wear a woman's lingerie. "I have been open to his desire to wear my lingerie. At first it was just panties, but now he wants them all - bras, garter belts, dresses, high heels, makeup, etc. He really gets excited by the idea of being caught. I want my relationship with him so I accept him the way he is as long as it doesn't affect our relationship as a whole. I have on many occasions played in the game and there are times I enjoyed it, but other times I believe the game went too far and I just stopped. He doesn't stop so the game continues with him, and me just watching, feeling resentful. He was introduced to this by his ex-wife who forced him to wear lingerie once in a while, but then he got hooked. I love him and I want to accept his good and bad, but it seems like it's putting distance between us because I feel ignored, unwanted and just not needed once he is crossdressing. Is he gay?"

A large number of men enjoy wearing what may be called as lingerie. Instead of the dull boxers or briefs that most men wear, these men like a little color or lace or frills. Some of these men get clubbed as metrosexuals. I have found that these men are perfectly normal. Some men actually start using feminine lingerie - they are also just exploring their feminine side. Some men go a few steps beyond that and actually start to behave more like your boyfriend. Many of these men are perfectly heterosexual males and it is just a desire that they have. So I would say that you have taken the right attitude in letting him indulge himself, because if you stopped him, he will still do it but will do so behind your back, which I think, is worse.

Based on what you tell us, it does not appear, though, that he is gay. While some homosexual men may, in rare cases, dress in women's apparel, what really defines a gay man is a desire to be in an intimate relationship with another man (and not a woman). In your boyfriend's case, that is not the case. He was married before and he is in a monogamous relationship with you - another woman.

In his little adventure with lingerie and dressing up, your boyfriend has become so self-centered in how he looks and how much he is enjoying himself that he is forgetting the part about pleasing you. Now what can you do to shorten the distance between the two of you? What can you do to make sure that you enjoy as much as he does? In my previous work with other clients, I have found that you have to be engaged in the game rather than let him play his own game alone. If he is playing the game alone and knows that he is the only one, he will focus on pleasing himself, but if there are two players in the game, the sharing begins. And that is what I think you have to do. Join the game rather than just be a watcher.

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