Mature women should not treat young men different

It appears that we are still getting used to the idea of mature women dating younger men. And it is not just the society. Even the men and women that are in these relationships often question if what they are feeling is '"natural" and "the right thing to do."

Tammy, a 31-year old, is shocked that she has found the perfect man. The only problem is that he is only 20. "When I was younger, all my friends and boyfriends were approximately 8-11 years older than me. I was simply more mature than most my age and couldn't STAND immaturity. I'm now 31 and find myself falling for a man/boy/kid/child of 20. I am frustrated because I truly care about him and think that he's the most wonderful person I've EVER dated. There are many problems though. We just started dating and we've been getting really close really fast. I've always been committment-phobic and still feel I am to an extent. I don't want to hurt him and sometimes feel like I'm robbing him of his youth - I told him that because we are VERY open and honest with each other. However, he got upset and I feel like he just doesn't understand that I am so much older than him. He is sweet, kind, loving, loyal - everything I've EVER been looking for (other than the fact that he's only 20) BUT I feel like I'm living dishonestly to our friends/families because we're sneaking around as we are still getting to know each other better. Why say something and have everyone get upset and possibly 'ruin' our excitement or dampen our hopes and spirits that it just might work? Relationships are hard enough and I'm SO very upset that all this is happening to me. On one hand, I feel like I should end it before people find out, but on the other hand, I simply don't care. What should I do?" she asks

I think like a lot of people you belong to the group that believes that age is just a number and maturity has little do with age. Based on what you tell me, it is pretty clear that you would not fall for someone for shallow reasons. It is obvious that there is something special about this man. In today's world, that is so rare. To find a person that you can truly connect with is not easy. In other words, if possible, you do not want to lose a man like him.

And it is OK to be seflish here. In other words, if this guy likes you and has no issues with the relationship, please do not invent them. He is mature enough to know what he is doing and if this is what he thinks he wants to do, you have no reason to plant doubts in his mind. Over last 2-3 years I have seen that men no longer see dating older women as an issue though some women still find it difficult.

Will you upset some people? Probably.

Should you disclose your relationship? Yes.

Can you wait? Yes, but with a mutual understanding with him that you will wait for X number of weeks/months and at that point if both of you feel that it is going to last, you can disclose it. And there is no reason to give extensive details on how long you have been dating or why you took so long to disclose - it is none of their business.

Should you be concerned that you might end up hurting him? No. What if he hurts you? What if you hurt a man your age or a man your age hurts you? What if he is hurt by a woman her age? Relationships end for a number of reasons and large age gap is just one of them. Since there are no simple answers, it is best to just treat him like you would treat any other man - he likes you as a woman and would like to be treated as your man, not your child.

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