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Monday, December 08, 2008

How can I become more active in bed?

Lucy writes, "I have trouble sexually expressing myself. I am very shy and I am not affectionate. I hardly do anything in bed and now it's to the point that my husband just has sex to satisfy himself. Please help."

A lot of people do not realize it, but our society teaches us everything all the way from Math to language to driving to using a fork and knife, but no one sits down with you to teach you to how to make love, one of the most important reasons for our very existence.

On the contrary, many parents and religious leaders do not tire of telling us that sex is bad, sinful, and why not to do it. While many of us pick it up through trial and error or by watching others do it, many just don't have the means to learn it from books and videos.

In other words, it is OK not to know what you don't and it isn't your fault. What is important is that you have recognized what you don't know and it is great that you want to do something to fix the situation.

I know you have written very little and the subject is too complex to respond based on what you have written (I advise you to write in detail about what you know, what you don't, and how is your intimate life right now), but I will give you some initial advice.

How to sexually express yourself?

Before you can express yourself, you have to know yourself and your body. To know yourself, think of what turns you on. You can know this by thinking about your feelings while watching television, the type of movies that turned you on, or the pictures that make you full of desire. Some women get turned on by muscular men, others like cute, playful men, while others may want something entirely different. Try to know what you like because that will help you create the right setting for making love.

How to conquer shyness?

It is a slow process but it can be done. Try to open up to your close family members and friends. You can even join websites and forums and share yourself anonymously. It will make your shyness go away over a period of time. Shyness is merely our fear of expressing ourselves; once we get the self confidence, we can also be more natural in front of others.

How to be affectionate?

I think everyone is affectionate; I have read that even criminals are affectionate towards their loved ones. What you are lacking right now is the ability to show affection due to your being shy and having trouble expressing yourself. As you become more confident about your needs, you will also feel more confident being affectionate.

How to be active in bed?

Without knowing much, I am guessing that you simply lie down and let your partner do all the work. I think a good starting point to get active is to do more of what feels good. For example, if a particularly position or angle gives you more pleasure, make sure that you position your body the right way to enjoy this longer.

Also don't hesitate to do whatever else you feel like doing. As an example, if kissing is your thing, then kiss your husband while you make love. Eventually, I would like you to reach a point that you will tell your husband what to do and how to do it to please you.

That is why I would suggest that you also explore your body. It is wrong to think that all women are the same and there is only one way for women to feel pleasure. Many women do not orgasm during intercourse but will orgasm through kissing. Others enjoy cuddling while some like aggressive sex or even roleplay. So learn more about your body by looking at it and touching it in every possible way to find out what pleases you.

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