I keep thinking about my ex

Janice writes, "My boyfriend and I dated for 3 months. He was showing all the classic signs of falling in love, doting on me, speaking about how I was the one and he was nervous as hell. His friends all praising him for finding this great girl, his friends saying "take care of my man... he's really into you and he deserves a good woman." I was loving it. He was great to me but I wasn't ready to commit until we had a longer friendship. Then I did something to assist the father of my child and he took it as a sign that I wasn't over my ex. I am over him but I believe in helping others as long as you are not depleting your own life. So he pulled away and started dating other women. Then a few months later, he had a near death incident (he's an offshore diver) and the first thing he did was come to me and wanted nothing than to lay on my sofa and talk about life, love and how "I was the perfect woman." We kicked it for another month. Things were looking good again and then... whoosh! He disappeared again. Now in the time span of all of this, I became aware of his uptight nature and lack of passion for life and felt that was a fundamental flaw. I probably would not be happy with a man who perpetuated those traits. However, since his last disappearing act I can't stop thinking about him! There were a lot of things we were compatible on and I wanted to learn more about him. I wanted to develop a friendship and be sure that I was not judging him too quickly but now that opportunity to learn him has been removed. I guess in a way I wanted to know if it was that error I made in helping my child's father out that caused this rift for what was starting off as such a great friendship and potential relationship later or if I just wasn't really his type? So why am I still thinking about him? Am I still interested in this dude or is it something else? Or do I just miss the attention I was getting?"

It appears to me that he appreciates you as a person and partner but is not ready to commit to something more serious. This could happen for several reasons:

1. The child and the fact that you are inextricably tied to your ex, though, he should have known that all along, but still men sometimes get scared about such responsibilities as things become serious.
2. He has tried other women and realized that there are other options for him but none of them has worked out for him. So he thinks that there is a possibility of a perfect woman but it has not happened yet.
3. He is just not the type who can commit to anything, is very self-centered, and has a tendency to use people when he needs them (the way he did when he needed you after a personal tragedy).

I do not think that it was wrong for you to help your ex (after all it was an act of kindness and you are tied to him forever due to a child). And I am starting to think that the problem is not you but HIM. What kind of a man just disappears when he thinks that he has found the ONE?

I guess the reason that you are still thinking about him is that there are parts of his personality that you love and the fact that he has also drawn away from you leaving you confused and wanting him.

With what you have told me, if you were to find another good man, you will forget him soon. Right now you are lonely and that is all you had so you think about him all the time. It was a rather brief relationship and it should not hurt you in the long run.

So unless you want to wait for this confused man forever, the best thing is to move on beyond him. I am sure that there is another man out there who will give you the love and attention that you deserve.