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Friday, January 30, 2009

I am a married woman dating a married man

Misty writes, "I met this guy in chat room about a year ago. The first time we chatted we exchanged basic info. He told me that he was married with kids and I told him that I was married too. We were both cool with that. We continued chatting and emailing each other on a daily basis and we were starting to really like each other. Then we finally decided to meet for the first time and everything was ok. In the weeks to come we chatted more and more. Then we started seeing each other more and more. It would be a short conversation after work once or twice a week. Then it was a small kiss when we would leave each other, nothing more than that. So a few months after seeing each other we decided to take our relationship to another level. We had sex about 4 months after us meeting and talking everyday. After that things were great. Then as time went on we started acting like a real couple; he would snap at me and I would snap at him and at the end of the day things would be back to normal. There were a few times that he would really hurt my feelings but I was so in love him I would ignore some of the things he did and said. Then one day out of the blue he told me that he loved me for the first time. I was so shocked; I didn't know what to say or how to react to it. When he said that I didn't say anything back because I wanted to keep some distance between us just in case we needed to walk away from each other since we were both married. As time went on we continued to have great conversation and great sex; it was like the perfect friendship. Then we finally came up with a plan to stay a night together which was the best night of my life. Even better than my honeymoon. And after that I finally decided to tell him that I was in love with him too. Only for him to tell me that he already knew; he was just waiting on me to say it. Then all of a sudden things started to change with us; we were talking less and sex was completely out of the question. It was like he didn't want to see me at all. I couldn't figure out why and he wouldn't talk to me. Then he told me one day that he was leaving the state because he had a job offer. That completely crushed me. As the time was coming for him to leave, we talked less and less. Those few weeks before he left I cried every night. I was trying so hard to keep my feelings under control so my husband wouldn't notice anything and that was the hardest thing for me to do. Then he finally left and I thought it would just end with me having a heartbreak but it didn't. I was preparing myself to deal with it and move on thinking we wouldn't talk again. So a few days after him leaving went by I cried because I'm in love with him but I was dealing with it. Then all of a sudden I get a text message from him saying that he loves me. Now I don't know what to think. He's been gone about 5 months now and whenever I think I'm not going to hear from him I get a message or email from him. I guess he is still thinking about me as much as I'm still thinking about him. I would call him and tell him that I love him and miss him but he don't really reply like he is hiding something. I honestly feel that something is there between us and we are just too afraid to act on it. I am so in love with him. I've never felt this way before and I am married. It's the chemistry we have when we are together. That's the reason I'm not giving up on this. Maybe I'm just crazy or maybe I'm seeing this wrong but my heart is telling me something different. What would you do if you were in love with a married man and you are married?"

I hope you realize that it is not easy dating a married person, and even more complicated for a married person to do so. It is not uncommon for married people to put their spouses first even if they wish otherwise.

That is exactly the situation for you two. He sure has problems in his marriage (apparently, so do you) and is struggling with the choice between his wife and you. He may love you but wants to stay in his marriage for, most likely, the sake of his kids. The reason he is not so forthcoming in his affection for you is that he thinks that the more he shares his feelings with you the more painful it will be for both of you.

Obviously, this is based on the assumption that you know all the facts, but as you suspect that he is hiding something, in that case, for all we know, he could have multiple lovers like you or not be married at all and just likes to play around with a lot of women so that he never has to marry any one of them but keeps all of them hooked by giving them signs of hope once in a while.

In my opinion, if I am married, and even if my marriage is perfect but I still fall in love with another married woman, I should leave my marriage and so should my lover. It is not fair for my wife to be married to a man who is not in love with her. And if my married lover is not willing to leave everything for me, then it is not love; it is just a relationship of convenience -- she is merely using me for her emotional needs.

In conclusion, I am not very hopeful that your relationship with this man has a future considering the facts of this case. If your current marriage has problems, it is best to work to resolve them, and if they are unresolvable, then there is no need to be miserable -- get a divorce. And as far as this guy is concerned, you have to finally tell him that either you end the relationship (and stop playing with your emotions) or he better leave his wife for you. I think he wants to have it both ways and right now he is the winner and you the loser.

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