How to make my married boyfriend leave his wife?

Carla writes, "I am a married woman and have been dating a married man for 3 years. Both of our spouses know about the relationship. We both have a minor child; mine 9 and his 12. At first he would tell me that he will leave when his child graduates from high school but now he's saying that he will leave now if I (we) could come up with a feasible plan. He also says that if I wanted him I would have him by now. We live thousands and of miles apart and see each other regularly but there's not a day that goes by that we don't speak with one another. We both argue continuously with our spouses about this relationship and want to know why the two of us can''t leave each other alone. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. He has even threatened to hurt me if I attempted to leave him. I need your help. Is this true love? Will he ever leave? We understand that this will hurt both of our families but what is a plan if there is such a thing that will help alleviate some of the pain?"

I am actually in the process of helping a woman in very similar circumstances. Here are my thoughts:

1. It is generally a bad idea to let your spouse know or found out about your adultery. I am not saying that you did it so on purpose, but, it just makes things difficult.
2. If you didn't know this, but, women genuinely fall in love while some men will say so that they have fallen in love merely to keep the relationship alive. I am not saying that this man does not love you, but clearly you love him more than he does. Maybe my definition of love is old-fashioned, but men have given up their crowns for love, fought battles, gave up everything they had, and this man is giving you the run around to divorce his wife. I mean, give me a break.
3. Men often feel a great sense of responsibility towards their families (not necessarily their wives). That makes it rather hard for them to leave their spouses because it breaks up the family.
4. Many coward men use manipulative techniques (like making you feel guilty, or sowing a doubt in your mind that if your love was deep enough for him he would have left already, or promising to hurt you if you left) to keep the women hooked to them and not ask for too much. I have heard from men who were doing this to more than one woman in different locations while they had a supposedly "happily married" wife at home.
5. Are you sure that he loves you or is it that you simply expect him to love you because you do?

The advice that I will give you is the same that I am giving to the other lady. Stop taking BS from him and ask him point-black, if he he will leave his wife or not in the next 30 days. If not, you have to right to terminate the relationship, get a restraining order against him, and notify the local police in his town so that he does not hurt others and/or himself. And there will be no compromises, no extensions, no time to think, and all the other hundreds of excuses and manipulative techniques he will come up with (I know way too many scoundrels like this who play with emotions of women as if they were playing a video game).

If he refuses to marry you and accept you as his wife right away, you should either separate from your husband (I am assuming that your marriage is totally broken by now) or beg forgiveness from him. With a strong commitment on your part and help from counselor, friends, family members, religious person, and others that you trust, you can work on loving your hubby again. I know it can be done because the other woman is doing exactly that. She did what I told you and her so-called "love of my life" completely backed off when she had an adult conversation with him. Her husband did not know about her affair (thankfully) so it is easy for her to save her marriage.

I strongly suspect that this man is simply using you and he has destroyed your marriage under the pretext of loving you, but without doing anything a real lover does.