My boyfriend does not want to marry or live with me

Donna writes, "I am 53 and had been dating a great 58 year-old man for several years. We are both divorced. I don’t have children; he has three grown children. He is a surgeon; I am a professional woman, financially independent. We are very happy with each other and very compatible in every aspect except one thing: I want to get married or at least live together; he says he does not want to live with anyone, he will feel tied down. We spend weekend together and some times see each other once during the week. I read a lot of articles about commitment phobia but did not see the symptoms on him. I have met all his relatives, went to his son’s graduation party held by his ex wife. We do things together with his children when they are back. He took me to his home town to see his folks, showed me the house he grew up, and visited his parent’s graves. I though some day he will make the commitment. Now after 5 years dating and many talks I start to think he will never commit. I love him dearly and deeply and hoped he will change. Last Saturday I brought up again the topic of living together. He said living together was like a marriage without paper that he did not want to do. He said he did not like the Winter here and might move away after he retire from his partnership next year. He then changed and said he might get some temporary assignment (such as Doctors in Need) to work a few months in warm places in the Winter. I feel I am already dealing with the situation that I am alone a lot during the week plus some weekends when he is out of town in meetings. It sounds like he is making plans without me and there will be more lonely time ahead of me. So I told him I am moving on with my life. He asked me to give him some time to think about it. I said “You can take as long as you want; it’s irrelevant now because I am moving on.” I then packed my belongings in his place and left. Since then, I am going back forth about if I did the right thing. Did I screw up? What is the long term outlook for couples who don’t live together? What happens when they get old, sick?

Is he afraid of commitment?

No I am not sure that he is commitment phobic; otherwise he wouldn't do any of the things that you list and still be with you in a loving relationship for years.

The main problem is that there is a huge gap between the two of you regarding the expectations from the relationship. And it does not surprise me because I hear from dozens of men and women weekly who just do not want to get married after their divorces. As you know it, divorce is most often a very painful and life changing process and it leaves scars that never go away. This man has simply decided that marriage is not for him. I only wish that he was clear about this when you two started dating, though, I must say that women often tend to ignore when men mention their reluctance to get married hoping that their love will change their opinion.

Breakup with a commitment phobe?

If you were as happy as you say you were and this man is as good as you say, I would say that you should have just compromised with the arrangement, because I really don't think that you want his money if you two were to divorce or after his death (you say that you are financially independent). In my opinion, marriage is merely a financial arrangement because I know wonderful couples without being married and miserable couples in traditional marriages. There is no guarantee that a marriage will make one monogamous because I hear all the time from married men and women who cheat and also hear from unmarried couples who are truly committed to each other.

Good men like him at this time are nearly impossible to find and you might regret it later. Regarding leaving him, I think you have already done it and there is no reason to analyze it, but there is always something to learn from each experience in life. From this, the message is that it is better to lay it all out very early on in a relationship so that there is no frustration later on. I recognize that it is not always easy and possible but it can help in many ways.

Having said this, if marriage is what you really want, and more than a relationship with a wonderful man, then, it was best to leave him. I have no hope that he will change and if you kept waiting you were losing precious time in finding a man who will marry you.

Living together without marriage

Regarding long-term living before marriage, there is more data available since it has been studied by many groups and it seems that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce.

I am not aware of any data on couples that simply live together because they do not believe in traditional marriage (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example). The Census Bureau does not collect any data on such couples and there is no legal trail of their relationships, no one really knows how they turn out. Since our society values marriage so much, couples without marriage face a lot of challenges with regards to health insurance, inheritance, visitation rights, etc.

Don't dwell too much on your decision. It is in line with your goals and vision for the future -- he did not fit in it. Some men are great individuals and even lovers, but just not husband-material. It is best to have them simply as friends.