Should I let my boyfriend stay in touch with his ex girlfriends?

Leanne writes, "My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. Throughout this time he still talks to his ex-girlfriends. He is not the initiator in the calls and tells me who calls and what they talk about. He said that he would never disrespect our relationship and cheat on me but this contact is really bugging me. He said that it shouldn't because he doesn't have any feelings for them. We are together all the time and I don't feel like he is cheating on me but all of a sudden I am feeling pissed about the old girlfriends. I explained to him that I don't have any contact with any of my ex's and don't understand why he does. He thought it was sad that I cut the ex's out of my life. If they meant something to me then there is nothing wrong in keeping up checking in once in a while. I am totally in love with him and trust him. Sounds contradictory, huh, if I totally trust him it shouldn't bother me. He is always open to talking to me about my feelings and reassures me. These relationships are many years old and way before us. I just want advice on how to handle all this."

Boyfriend's relationship with ex-girlfriends

The traditional rules of relationships say that a person should disengage her/himself completely after entering a new one. I think in general it is good for everyone and very fair. It allows people to move on and helps cement a new relationship.

Unfortunately, it ignores something very fundamental about human nature. Memories are literally forever; it is not a computer disk that with one click you can erase everything forever and rewrite it with new data. I don't know how people expect that someone can completely erase a relationship of years (kisses, sex, wedding, honeymoon, happy/sad moments; there is so much in a relationship); so I do allow some slack. I love my wife and am totally committed to her but despite not keeping in touch with any of my exes, I still think of them from time to time as I think of my school/college days or of ex colleagues or past vacations. In other words, you can be totally committed and in love with a new person without erasing the past. Also, just because you stay in touch with an ex it does not mean that you love them and not love your current partner 100%.

Now technically if you trust him you should not be bothered. If you are, then you do not trust him. It also seems that he shares all the details with you. In other words, there is nothing to worry.

Relationship agreements

There is one problem with the scenario, though. When I have a relationship with a person, I have essentially entered into an agreement to abide by rules that we both set for each other. If we can't agree on these rules, then, the relationship is a waste of time. In your relationship, he is not abiding by that agreement. If you do not appreciate contact with exes (it is unimportant who initiates it) it is extremely important that he drop it completely even if it is totally innocent and harmless. If that is not acceptable to him, you have a right to tell him to go hang out with one of the exes.