I want to leave my husband because I am miserable in the marriage

Carol writes, "My story is a long one, I'm not sure what I should do. I've been married for almost 4 years. He's been working out of the country for about three and a half with visits home every 2 or 3 months for approximately 2 weeks at a time. I moved into his house, in a different town, with my 2 children in Dec. 2005. He left for his overseas job in March 2006. The first year he was gone, I did nothing. I'd want to go out; he'd say, "Wait until I get home and I'll take you." I'd mention wanting to drink a glass of wine and he'd say, "Wait until I get home I'll drink one with you." My kids were gone with their dad every other weekend. Those weekends alone I wouldn't go anywhere or do anything. I was getting depressed, angry, lonely and resentful. I had to call him at certain times of the day, if I was out with my cell phone I'd have to call him back when I got home (on the house phone). I ended up on anti-depressants. I started going out and not telling him. Seeing old friends and eventually having affairs. I was in school full time and couldn't afford to leave. My goal was to graduate, get a job and file for divorce. I graduated in May, haven't found a job and told him last week when he was here what my plan was all along (to leave after finding a job). He was hurt, but the next day he acted like nothing was wrong. We get along most of the time, I'm comfortable around him, but I'm not sexually attracted to him. I haven't been with another man for over a year (therapist's idea). I'm not sure that I even love him. I know I care about him, but I want to feel more, I want to feel like I love someone. Is this normal? I feel like he's very insecure. Constantly monitoring me when I'm on the computer, or if I get a text message. He needs to know what's going on at all times. He wants me to show him more attention and I just can't fake it anymore. I hate having sex with him, I even hate kissing him. For the first 3 years I'd tell my mom about how I felt and she'd just tell me to tell him what he wants to hear. I don't know what to do now. I hate to hurt him but I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm 38, very well taken care of, but really not happy at all."

Why should you leave a marriage without joy?

The way you feel is very natural. For the vast majority of people being in a relationship is not just about physical attraction but also feel a strong emotional bond. This is true for women even more for whom the emotional part is even more important than physical attraction.

It is also very clear that your husband is a control freak that does not want you have to have a life that does not include him. It is impossible to change a man like that and regardless of how hard your try, he will still be suspicious and paranoid.

My recommendation for you would be to end this relationship when it is convenient for you. Having a steady, well-paid job is definitely going to be helpful for you and your kids to be comfortable. It also seems that the timing of your departure is not going to matter much because this man lives in a different world.