Some relationships are just not meant to be because the people in it are incompatible. Indeed there will be times that you will run into a person and click in the short term but then you realize that you may not be able to make the best couple. At that time, it is simply best to end the relationship and move on. (Related article: Ingredients of a happy relationship)
This is exactly what happened to Ed in Clifton, New Jersey. He has been with a woman for about an year now and did not really have a very healthy start to the relationship. In fact she was breaking up with her other boyfriend, while she was having an adulterous relationship with Ed.
She lacked the attitude and temperament a person needs to make a relationship in the early months work when things are typically rockier. It got to the point where they argued from morning to night. Time went on and then they started to finally get along. Around January of this year, they got a place together. Wondering that all their problems were financial, they decided to combine their assets in order to help each other. That did not help much either.
Ed says, "Although we still fought, it wasn't as often as before. It felt as though it was beginning to get better. Then we started to have communication breakdown. She's thinking of one thing and I'm totally on the opposite side. I love her very much but I see her talking to other people. She gives me the feeling that she would rather talk to other man than me. I sometimes get the feeling that she doesn't want to be around any more. Lately, she' been talking about moving out, not breaking up, but just live separately. Recently, we sat down and discussed our problems out in the open. What bothered her, what bothered me, etc. It seemed to be working on my part but I'm not so sure about her. She keeps referring to how much of a bad person she is and that I should really consider if I want to be with her because she's been feeling that she needs to live on her own. It feels like no matter what I did or said, it wasn't enough for her. She says that she's tired of fighting and not being able to communicate with me. I feel that if she does move out, this relationship is pretty much over because I don't think this relationship is important to her any more. Should I just let it ride and let her move out? Should I keep trying to fix it? Is it fixable? What should I do?"
Based on what you have described, it seems that this relationship is unlikely to work unless both of you decide to put your heart and soul into it for months and take the help of a personal advisor or therapist. It looks as if you have done your best but this lady is not ready for a healthy relationship in some ways. She has cheated in the past, she seems to be flirting with other men now, she fights with you, and she is jut not happy being with you.
So it is for you to decide how long you want to try. My recommendation is that if you both are not equally committed to making it work and do not have a therapist to work with you, you might simply be wasting your time and making both of you unhappy in the process. So it might just be best to let her move out and then both of you can move on.
Since she is the one asking to move out right now, it will make things easy for both of you, and particularly you. You can end it on a happy note, settle personal finances, and still try to stay as friends.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
"She thinks she is totally in love with me and I would guess that she thinks I am totally in love with her too. But, although I really do care for her, I do not care for her in that sense. I really want to be with someone else and I have been wanting this for some time now. I know it may sound like I am trying to make myself sound really special but, I'm not. I am afraid that my girlfriend will hurt herself if I breakup with her. How do I prevent this and how do I let her know that I want to be with someone else (she would know even if I didn't tell her because I am in a high school) without tearing her apart. Also, how do I stop her from coming back? I have broken up with her twice before and she has both times somehow convinced me to go back out with her," Zach says. (Related article: How to breakup without hurting your partner)
There are some very important things to be remember when breaking up with anyone, but particularly so, when breaking up with someone who seems to love you and care for you so much:
- Be a gentleman. And treat her like a lady. No matter even if she was mean to you or if you did not like something about her, this is not the time to make her feel miserable. Bring out the best in you and you will feel much better for the rest of your life. Do not forget that she is a human being (a teenager on top of that) with emotions and feelings.
- Be honest. Tell her exactly what the reason is. Do not lie or beat around the bush. Let her know everything that you have liked about her and what all that means to you, but emphasize that you would like to move on and she will be just fine without you.
- Clearly indicate that your decision is final. In your case, this is very important because she may not trust that you mean it since you have gone back to her before.
- Find a good friend of her, if possible, and let him/her know what you plan to do. Seek his/her help so that there is someone by her side as she tries to deal with the shock.
- Finally, once you are done, do not look back. Just move on. It may be hard for you to imagine that you are responsible for her misery, but it is best that you get out of her life as fast as you can. That will make it easy for her to move on as well.
Recommended article: Tips on how to breakup
Friday, April 01, 2005
So if you do not have a positive body image, it will reflect on your personality, and you might face difficulties in your private and public lives. That is exactly what is happening to Lynn who has been married for three years to a wonderful man who adores her. While he loves to look at her body, she is even hesitant to show her body in her underwear. "I am still very shy when it comes to making love. I am more shy about my own body than anything. I simply do not like it when my husband wants to see me without clothes, which is often, I must confess. I am just not comfortable with the way I look. I am not very open or expressive in bed. Again I am just too shy. I wish I could get over this so that my husband would have a more adventurous lover, and as well as for myself. What can I do?"
What you are going through is happening because of lack of what is known as "positive body image." Some women, no matter how others perceive them (and how good looking they really are), tend to think of themselves as not pretty enough. They often compare themselves to models and celebrities and this only makes things worse for them. They just want to be "perfect" but they do not know of anyone who is perfect. They also do not believe when people genuinely like them because they do not believe it themselves.
Here is a little secret. While most men may like to look at pretty women around, but generally they are very realistic. Insofar as their partner is concerned, most good men look at the whole package rather than just physical assets of a woman. And in your case, the fact that your husband adores your body, says it all. He likes the way you look and he is demonstrating that by telling you that he wants to look at your body more often.
So what can you do?
- You are actually a shy person and there are many programs available to deal with shyness. So choose a program that works for you. Almost all of them will give you ideas on how to open up to other people and how to feel good about yourself.
- Work on your body image. Some of the things are rather simple, for example, try to reinforce a positive message every time you look at yourself in the mirror or in the shower.
- Wear slightly revealing clothes to the mall one of these days and see the heads turning. That will make you feel great about your body.
- Let us say that there is something that you do not like about your body. Say a few extra pounds in the wrong place. The trick is to hide the not-so-pretty parts and reveal the best parts by picking the right outfit (when you are in public) and the right lingerie (when you are with your husband). That way you can be sure that others/he are/is not looking at the parts that make you less comfortable about your body.
- Finally, talk to him and he will understand. Tell him what you have told him and ask him to help you improve things rather than pushing you or giving up on you. Little by little you can make progress.
So if you do one small thing each day, you will make enormous progress in just a few weeks. You need to overcome your shyness not just in front of him but in front of the world at large. You also need to feel good about your body. The rest is easy. You already have a strong desire to make it happen, all you need to do is to take action.
Recommended article: Intimacy and looks