I have been helping a woman who happens to be deeply in love with a man, Thomas, who loves to dress up in her lingerie. She accepts him as he is and does not mind his choices in underwear. He often puts makeup on, wears heels, and paints his nails. She willingly helps him do that. There is one problem, though. He wants her to be in control. "But sometimes I really do not know what to do or what to tell him to wear. He does give me control, but it's not my wish. What he is really concerned about when it's happening is me giving him praise for it and not getting mad. His personality on a regular basis is a man who is in control and who is always right, so this is totally opposite of his regular personality. I guess a lot of times I am insecure because he doesn't act like I am sexy when this goes on. He doesn't care what I am wearing or how I look. All he wants me to tell him is how sexy he is. When he does this he wants me to pick his clothes, panties, bra, etc. out, but I tell him to surprise me because I don't really know what he wants. Please help," she asks.

I think Thomas really has two personalities. One, a regular man (as you describe him - manly, in control, always right, arrogant, etc.). The other one is submissive and feminine. It seems that he can change from one to another relatively easily but it is hard for you to switch so easily. The question that you have to ask yourself is if you are willing to live with such a person. In one transformation of his personality he becomes something that you do not necessarily like - self-centered, selfish, too concerned about his pleasure and ignoring you. In the other one, he meets your expectations.

If you want to be with this man long term, another question that you have to answer is - what pleases you? What would make you happy and satisfied? If you know that then you can come up with a plan on how to get it out of him. The way I see is that you have to make it happen. You have to tell him how to please you. In any case, he is letting you take charge anyway. I think he wants you to be the one to dominate and treat him so that he is the one who pleases you while you praise him for doing a great job. (Related article: Roleplay for a better relationship)

I would like you to try this with him. Get all your confidence in one place and take total charge. Think of him as a toy who is there to please you. You will be subtle about it but you want to give him what he wants while getting in return what you want. I am guessing that you want attention and praise while he wants something similar. He expects it from you while you have to make him do it. If you do not know what to tell him to wear, just tell him whatever. To him it doesn't matter as long as it comes from you. You can start off by taking charge of what he wears and what he does. I think you have to order him to even look at you or admire what you are wearing or how you look. You can even order him to touch you in a certain way or to please you the way you want. What he is expecting in return is that when he does what you tell him to do he will be praised by you. You can also use some kind of a reward mechanism to do exactly what you want him to do. For instance, you can say "If you do this, I will buy you a pair red nylon panties."

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The topic of whether men should wear women's lingerie is as controversial as the issue of metrosexuals. Some women love such men and take tremendous delight in not only sharing their lingerie with them but also shopping together. We have heard from dozens of couples who enjoy sharing their lingerie drawer. Other women absolutely hate them and often wonder if they are gay.

Our research found that most of these men who wear lingerie are just regular folks who just happen to have a taste for pretty underwear. We are now reproducing the story of Robert who decided to share his story with us.

"Nice lingerie should be something special for both men and women. Since there is a unlimited choice of lingerie available for women, there should also be some nice lingerie available for men, which of course, is not the case. After many years of being uncomfortable in men's boring undies, I decided to explore the choices in lingerie that women have enjoyed for many years. After some soul-searching that it may not be appropriate to be wearing women's nylon panties, I decided it would be better being comfortable in silky panties than wearing something I didn't want to wear. Being comfortable starts with wearing nice comfy underwear. After trying my first pair of women's nylon panties, I couldn't believe how comfortable they were and how nice and silky soft they were. I am now finally comfortable with wearing nylon panties and don't even own any more boring men's undies. My partner has no problems with me wearing panties or even silky nighties as long as I am comfortable. She likes it when I wear panties and thinks they look sexy on me. (Related article: Underwear choices - where what you like)

So I think if men want to wear something silky and sexy they should wear it. Many ladies like men wearing these - better than Wal-Mart cotton briefs. So I say thanks for presenting a balanced view on the topic of underwear that it should be sexy for both partners, even if he is wearing women's panties. Maybe someday we can educate society in accepting lingerie for men as well as the ladies. I am so accustomed to wearing women's nylon panties now that I feel like I couldn't wear anything else. Happier now and finally comfortable!"

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Magaret recently started dating a divorced man and she says that she not only loves him but also accepts everything about him. But there is a part of his personality that she has found out only recently. He is one of those men who like to wear a woman's lingerie. "I have been open to his desire to wear my lingerie. At first it was just panties, but now he wants them all - bras, garter belts, dresses, high heels, makeup, etc. He really gets excited by the idea of being caught. I want my relationship with him so I accept him the way he is as long as it doesn't affect our relationship as a whole. I have on many occasions played in the game and there are times I enjoyed it, but other times I believe the game went too far and I just stopped. He doesn't stop so the game continues with him, and me just watching, feeling resentful. He was introduced to this by his ex-wife who forced him to wear lingerie once in a while, but then he got hooked. I love him and I want to accept his good and bad, but it seems like it's putting distance between us because I feel ignored, unwanted and just not needed once he is crossdressing. Is he gay?"

A large number of men enjoy wearing what may be called as lingerie. Instead of the dull boxers or briefs that most men wear, these men like a little color or lace or frills. Some of these men get clubbed as metrosexuals. I have found that these men are perfectly normal. Some men actually start using feminine lingerie - they are also just exploring their feminine side. Some men go a few steps beyond that and actually start to behave more like your boyfriend. Many of these men are perfectly heterosexual males and it is just a desire that they have. So I would say that you have taken the right attitude in letting him indulge himself, because if you stopped him, he will still do it but will do so behind your back, which I think, is worse.

Based on what you tell us, it does not appear, though, that he is gay. While some homosexual men may, in rare cases, dress in women's apparel, what really defines a gay man is a desire to be in an intimate relationship with another man (and not a woman). In your boyfriend's case, that is not the case. He was married before and he is in a monogamous relationship with you - another woman.

In his little adventure with lingerie and dressing up, your boyfriend has become so self-centered in how he looks and how much he is enjoying himself that he is forgetting the part about pleasing you. Now what can you do to shorten the distance between the two of you? What can you do to make sure that you enjoy as much as he does? In my previous work with other clients, I have found that you have to be engaged in the game rather than let him play his own game alone. If he is playing the game alone and knows that he is the only one, he will focus on pleasing himself, but if there are two players in the game, the sharing begins. And that is what I think you have to do. Join the game rather than just be a watcher.

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Find a younger man and make him notice you

It is fairly common these days that a mature woman dates a younger man. We have discussed this issue at great length. (Related article: Older women with younger men) This trend, like most trends, has a Domino effect. Mature women, who had never thought of younger men as potential candidates for a relationship, are now starting to look at them that way. And that is why a series of questions for us.

1. What type of lifestyle is appropriate for a mature woman so that she can find a younger man?
2. How to make a man desire me?
3. Do you have any tips on how to get a man attracted to me?
4. How do I make him notice me?
5. I think I need a few makeover tips to get a young guy to like me?
6. How do I seduce a young man?

While most rules of dating are the same no matter what the age of the partners, there are a few points to note when it comes to dating younger men by mature women:

• A young man, when he is attracted to an older woman, finds her attractive because of her age and experience. A woman should not try to downplay that. On the other hand, she should use it strategically.
• A mature woman need not feel self-conscious about her body or appearance. For this type of man, that is not the issue. Having said that, you should maintain your looks, not necessarily the youth. As Katie Weisman Devallees, a journalist married to a French man, while speaking to Judy Bachrach of Allure, says, "Not to look young, just to look good." She was referring to the use of plastic surgery, discreet makeup, hair color, etc. by French women.
• Be yourself. Do not try to be like him or make him become like you - in taste, in style, or experience. You have seen the world, so show it to him what you have seen. Don't expect him or force him to to be as smart or as mature as you. At the same time, don't try to dumb down so as not to offend him.
• Finally, do your research. Find out about men in the age group that you are targeting. What are they reading or listening or interested in? The more you know, the more armed you will be to seduce him. Do not be the grandma who spoils the kids, but be the kindergarten teacher who patiently teaches the student everything that he needs to know.

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