Pamela writes, "I am a little puzzled by your reference to some spiritual satisfaction. I prefer a relationship in which all aspects of a relationship are shared - emotional, physical, social and spiritual."

What I meant by spiritual satisfaction is that a lot of time one can choose to have a relationship just for spiritual reasons and it can be even platonic. It gives them something that a conventional relationship (physical/emotional/sexual) cannot.

Betty writes, "I had long suspected that my husband was cheating on me with other women, escorts, call girls, and prostitutes. I started to collect evidence of his adultery to make sure that my suspicion was correct. I tried ignoring it but that's just to hard. So one day I made him sit down in front of him and I let it all out. I asked him questions from A-Z. At first he tried to get mad but when I told him all the things that I knew, he got quiet. I continued on with what was on my mind and heart and he still was lying in my face. He apologized for everything and then he asked for me to help him. I'm like; HELP YOU. What? Stop lying and be honest. But after all was said and done we looked past it but he hasn't changed since then. He is still doing the same thing. I just can't take this anymore. I'm trying my best to look away from this but it's too hard. I'm running out of ideas."

I think his behavior is confirming what you had suspected. Now I am sure that you can understand what would a man do in such cases. Everyone lies when they are doing something that they are not supposed to do.

Why is your husband with other women?

It is also important to remember that he has higher libido than you do and since he is not sexually satisfied he is looking for more sex. I think that is what he means by asking for your help. If you stop helping him he will go back to doing what he was doing and nothing good will come out of that. You have told me that you want to stay in this marriage and that is why being angry with him is not the answer. It is important that you ask him what help he needs and give it to him. Maybe he wants more sex or different type of sex, maybe therapy, maybe something else, but if you stop treating this as a problem, you cannot find a solution.

Different men have different sexual appetites and one way or the other they can figure out a way to satisfy it. If their wives do not cooperate (I know women who join their men and help them have sex with other women so that they know what is going on and make sure that the husband has sex with the right kind of girls rather than whores with sexual diseases), either they cheat or get a divorce.

What can a victim of adulterous husband do?

Betty, you have a lot of thinking to do. What are you willing to sacrifice to keep your marriage? Are you willing to change in some ways to keep your marriage or would you give up your marriage to keep your principles? I am not very confident that he will change completely and become the man that you want but what he wants is understanding from you so that he can still do what pleases him because he is addicted to them.

Caroline writes, "I have a boyfriend but I have a really serious crush on a guy 9 years younger than me. I can't get him out of my thoughts! I've caught him looking at me a number of times and checking me out. He also stays quite close to me when we discuss things. Or I could be super-aware of his presence that I feel him as close. I really like his eyes; they're so intense and he maintains eye contact with me when he speaks with me; he never looks away unless he's showing me something. I sometimes wonder if he likes me back but I could be reading too much into it. He's probably just paying close attention to our conversations and that's it. I'm afraid that if I read too much into his actions that are innocent and mean nothing to him at all then I might be putting our cordial professional relationship at risk! How do I stop reading too much into his actions? How do I get over this crush? How do I stop thinking about him? I help him at work so there's no escape really. He's funny, friendly and so easy to talk to. I can tell other girls are comfy around him too. I also heard he's working on dating someone, so his attentions are elsewhere but my hopeful, dumb heart wonders, does he like me back? Then I feel I could get really intimate with him at all levels! All these crazy thoughts! I don't want to be affected by him anymore. How do I free myself from this? Your suggestions would be highly appreciated."

As I read your email, what I am reading between the lines is that you may not really want to get over this crush. Am I wrong?

How to crush a crush?

If you want to get over this crush you have to see it in the context of your current relationship. How will you feel if your boyfriend was fantasizing about other girls? Will you not feel terrible and even consider dumping him? So put yourself in his shoes and that will help you get rid of all those temptations that you are having towards this cute guy.

Having said that, if your current relationship is not so serious, I would suggest that you yield to the temptation and see what happens. Maybe the feeling is mutual or maybe you read it all wrong and that is just his style. So start some flirting and see where that goes, but keep me in the loop.

Matt writes, "I have never felt more attracted to anyone in my life. She wants to be without me but she is addicted to me just like I am to her. See we live in a small town and she is divorced. Her ex husband is always looking for things to cause problems for her. So she worries a lot about her two kids, especially her youngest daughter getting taken away. I'm in love with her and she says she feels the same but we can't say it. We call it the L-word, and that it's too complicated. And oh she has a boyfriend that has been her best friend for a long time but she isn't attracted to him. I have tried everything and I'm really hoping you can help. We're madly in love but she is scared of the change. and it will be a big change. When we make love it is so passionate that I actually know why they say "making love" now. I've been with 15-20 women and in a 4-year relationship. Please help."

I read your email and my response is simple: be a man and tell her what you want and how you will take care of her. Right now she is afraid of her ex-husband and boyfriend because she is not sure that you will be there to help her manage the change. Yes, it is scary for a single mom but if she is confident that she need not worry about anything because you are a man with confidence and desire to do the right thing, she will be yours.

If what you write is true, women like this may be impossible to find and if you don't get her, you will beat yourself your whole life.

Samuel writes, "Not so long ago I had a fantastic love affair with a girl twenty years my younger. But pressure from her peers spoiled everything and in the end destroyed our relationship. I would like once again to enter into a relationship with a younger woman in her thirties; I am fifty five! Is that way off the mark?"

Based on emails that I have been receiving, there are some girls that would be interested in you, considering that you appear to be financial stable. I don't think your age is way off the mark; I have been hearing from people who are dating men and women half their age. And you know it because you have traveled this road before. Obviously, you will find it harder than dating a woman your age, but I know that a woman at any age is definitely attracted to wealth, intellect, and power, and if you can giver her a hint of any or all of the above, she sure would like to enjoy it.

Samantha writes, "I am attracted to a man much older then me. He's very reserved and slightly reclusive. However, I would love to pursue him, but my twenty-something seduction tactics aren't working. What should I do?

Your problem is twofold. One is his being reserved and reclusive and that will make it harder for a woman even his age to break his shell.

Two, most older men assume that very young girls will never be interested in them. For instance, being in my 40s, I typically don't expect girls in their 20s to even pay attention to me, but I sure can figure out when a woman (regardless of her age) is really interested in me. At that point, I can ignore her if I do not think that I should be exploring a relationship with such a young woman. Or, if I think it is a nice thing to do, I will reciprocate.

In my opinion, it would be much safer for you to approach him non-romantically (e.g. could you work for him a few hours a week helping organize his papers?) and over time as you two spend some time together he might realize that you are not just an assistant. At that point, a romantic move will help. Yes, it is somewhat easy to seduce your boss.

Rakesh from Patna writes, "I have had a wonderful person in my life for several years. She is very nice person that I have ever met in my life. We started as friends but then I fell in love with her. The problem is that she already loves someone. Even though we are very close to each other, she is now afraid that his boyfriend may not like our rather cozy relationship. What can I do to end this relationship because it is making it harder for me to find a girlfriend since I still like her and cannot imagine falling in love with another girl when she is always on my mind?"

Sorry to hear that your love did not work out. It happens all the time -- the person you love is already in a relationship with someone else.

My suggestion to you would be to forget this woman and move on with your life. You sound like a kind, romantic man and I am confident that you will easily find other women who will appreciate a boyfriend like you. So get her out of your head, go spend time with your friends and family, and eventually another girl will recognize that you are a wonderful man and fall in love with you.

The easiest thing for you to do will be to tell her that since she is in a romantic relationship with another man it is not appropriate for you two to be together. That way, her memories will fade from your mind and you will start to feel attracted to other women.

Vijay in Chennai writes, "Since last one month my neighbor, a married woman and I have both been looking at each other and making eye contact. She is too far to speak but I want to make a hand gesture indicating that I am interested in her. How to make my first move? How can find out if she is interested or not?"

Based on what you say, I think there is definitely interest on both sides. Have you done something else, like smiling at her, or waving at her? If not, this is a good time to do it and notice her reaction. If she responds or acknowledges it then it is a good sign. If not, unless she is really shy, you might be totally mistaken. Let me know what happens after you do it.

In any case, if the response is positive, it may be time to find an excuse to visit her house. For instance, you can buy a magazine, put some stamps on it, and her address on it, and then show up saying that it was delivered to your house by mistake. That way you will get an opportunity to talk to her and also hint to her that you are interested in her.

Kurt writes, "I am secretly in love with a woman twice my age but although being 45 years old she looks like she's in her mid 30's. Needless to say she's blessed. She's very beautiful and has a great personality. She currently lives with a boyfriend but I am told by a mutual friend that she likes me too but is struggling to decide who to pick. She is not financially independent. I live with my parents to help them out in the current economy. As for my financial situation I'm individually very stable but due to the economy my parents are not and I decided to help out by moving in with them temporarily. Believe me I never thought I would like anyone double my age but it sort of just happened. We basically like the same things, movies, books, music, you name it. I've never had so much in common with anyone which would explain much of my attraction towards her. I've never been much of a romantic but then again I never thought I'd meet a person like her. To be completely honest, if things turned out my way I'd marry her ASAP. I couldn't care less about our age difference. I wish I can talk to her about our situation but I wouldn't know where to start. I just want to know how things are with her. I know we're close but this is something that will effect our beautiful friendship and possibly a future romantic relationship, if any. I know our mutual friend told me that she's in love with me but I'd rather hear it from her own mouth and if there's a chance it could work out or if I should just move on with my life."

How to help a woman decide which man to choose?

This is what I would suggest.

1. First, either through your mutual friend or directly, tell her exactly how you feel. Do not fear anything. Be honest. And be prepared for the consequences like a brave man. If she is not in love with you, that is fine; at least you will know for sure. But since we know that she is, it will be good for her to know how you feel about her and that might help her decide easily who she wants to be with: her current boyfriend or you.
2. Secondly, if she chooses to be with you, then you both can talk it out and figure out a plan. I am hoping that the economy will not be bad forever and if she is a bit patient, you two can live together and be happy. I strongly believe that good lovers are so difficult to find and if one finds them, it is critical that all efforts be made to succeed. If you have found this woman, then go for it like a man.

Donna writes, "I have a wonderful, budding relationship with a man much younger man than myself. I have dated younger men before and I find them much easier to be with, much more spontaneous, fun, caring and attentive. While I sometimes question why such younger men would be interested in a much older woman, in this case, the man seems sincere. The only concern that I have is that this loving attention is motivated more out of the financial means I have that a younger man has yet to have achieved. How do you know that it's you that they are interested in and not your bank account?"

Does my boyfriend love me for my money?

Actually this is something I always point out to older women when they find overzealous young men willing to be their slaves in the name of love. The other warning I give is to watch out for men with fetish for mature women that somehow they are more skilled in bed or desperate for sex or more grateful that a young man wants to be intimate with them.

My suggestion to you would be to assess his financial situation and what he wants to do in the future. If a poor man is always eager to suggest expensive products to buy and exotic vacation destinations, I would see that as a warning sign. A man that genuine loves you will be more interested in you as a person, spending quality time with you (which one can do at home drinking a glass of wine and not necessarily in St. Barths) and will be reluctant to accept any gift that he couldn't reciprocate (while not in an exact situation, I am always reluctant to accept a gift from any friend or family member that I could not reciprocate, regardless of how rich my friend or family member is).

Rod writes, "My ex of 5 years broke up with me because she wanted to date other guys since she's in college now. Her Facebook status's lately has been "Layla can't stop crying her eyes out" and such. I heard today that she regrets breaking up with me but doesn't want to tell me since she feels like she would be playing with my emotions. I miss her a lot, and have had a hard time getting over this, but really want her back. How do I go about trying to get her back, she already regrets it, I just need to let her know somehow that I want her?"

Approaching an ex to revive a relationship

There are one of two ways of going about it. One, use the help of people who have told you that she regrets breaking up with you. In my opinion, patchups work best through a mutual friend or family member. No one feels rejected or hurt that way.

In case that is not feasible, I would say that just approach her directly. Through Facebook, sent her a polite note telling her exactly how you feel and what you would like to do (at least have a drink together to talk). I am yet to meet a woman whose heart did not melt when a man showed his romantic interest in her. Just be prepared for rejection and in case she does not accept your invitation, do not hold it against her. It just means that you got it all wrong and for whatever reasons she is crying for other reasons and does not want to get back with you.

Rupert is a 36 years old man with a soft tissue disorder and is obviously out of shape. He writes, "I am trying my best to lose weight and I have made progress. I am attracted to younger, athletic women with hard bodies. Problem is: they're not attracted to me. I usually get more "Holla" from older, out-of-shape unhealthy women. I want to wait till I am fit and trim but I am lonely. My question is: Will I have to wait until I get to my goal weight before I am ready for a relationship? Or Should I settle for what and who is available even though I am trying to better my health standards in a mate?"

People look for similarities in their partners

I hope you realize this, but even though women might disagree and sometimes opposites attract, they are always looking for a long-term partner despite being in the dating game casually. Obviously, they try to target men that they find attractive and who will find them attractive. No wonder then that skinny people are attracted to and targeting skinny people.

There are two solutions to your dilemma.

• First, date casually whoever is available right now and be upfront and honest about it. Say that you are not looking for a serious relationship at this point. That will allow you to go on occasional dates and fight your loneliness.
  
• Secondly, date women in your situation that you are most likely to run into a gym. They are also trying to lose weight and become fit. That way you have something in common and eventually you both will have what you want. Yep, you can go out on a workout date.

In the meantime, you can work to get fit so that you can then target your dream girls. Unless you have something else that is incredibly appealing to women (e.g. money, yacht, beach home, unique talent, etc.) it will be hard to attract an athletic woman till you are not fit.

Josh writes, "I worked with a woman for over a year and during that time we developed a very close friendship. We talked about everything, even things deemed inappropriate by some people. As time went by I started to have feelings for her; soon those feelings turned to love but during this time I found out she had a boyfriend. Needless to say I was upset. Through a mutual friend I learned that she has feelings for me and her boyfriend but is torn between us. The only advantage this guy holds over me is that she lives with him and if she moved out she'd have no place to go. I would love for her to be with me but I recently moved back with my parents to help them out financially, so it's not possible at the moment. I know she's not happy with him; he never acknowledges her as his girlfriend to anyone. In fact he dumped her once already because of their age difference; she's 45 and he's 34 but they got back together. In my opinion he doesn't deserve her; he treats her more like a maid than a girlfriend. I'm just 24; I know I'm a lot younger than her but to me age is nothing but a number. I honestly don't know what to do. I want to be with her so much that it hurts but at the same time her happiness is more important and in the end that's all that matters."

You are in a very difficult situation. You are literally half her age, she is not single at the moment, and you are unable to provide what she needs now (a boyfriend who can also provide her with a place to live).

Do you really want to be with a woman in a relationship?

On one hand, I think that you should simply maintain a friendship with her, considering that she is a nice person, but the idea of a real, long-term relationship is a risky one (I don't like dating desperate women and she is desperate). You are young and romantic and I am sure that you will meet a lot of better women (both young and old) who are also single so that you two can date freely.

How to be with a woman who is not independent and unavailable?

On the other hand, if you think that this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, be patient. Tell her so and ask her to be patient while you build the financial cushion you need to move out of your parent's home and then invite her to live with you and eventually marry her.

Carlos writes, "Are there to your knowledge any reputable dating sites that would suit an older, serious, financially stable gentleman looking for a serious relationship with a younger woman? I have been looking around and most of them are quite frankly nothing more than places to hookup with whores in return for money! I am looking for a real relationship, possibly leading to marriage, because I simply find that I connect better with women somewhat younger than me."

I agree with you that these dating websites that seem to match older men with younger women are simply for prostitutes seeking desperate men.

Actually, I prefer that you try a conventional dating website that you like and just state in your preference that you are looking for a woman in her 30s. Do not be apologetic or offer explanations. If this is what you like and want, just say so.

I also like the old-fashioned techniques of meeting people. Yes, at parties and other events. Just pick your events where women in 30s are likely to be available. Join volunteer organizations or interest groups that attract younger women and you will be amazed how lucky you will get.

Leticia writes, "I want to make my boyfriend happy. It's not that he shows disappointment it but I feel shy when we kiss or make love. What can I do?"

Well, it is somewhat natural to feel a bit shy at your age, but I think some of it might be coming from lack of confidence that you have in your looks and body. I hope you understand that love and sex are natural part of life and kissing your lover is just natural that you must also enjoy. There is nothing bad nor should you feel guilty to please your partner and also please your own body, but at this age, ALWAYS have protection so that you do not get pregnant.

So next time when he kisses you, just close your eyes and enjoy it. Now what do you feel like? Do it. I don't know what you will feel but if you feel like touching him or biting him or using your tongue, just go ahead and do it. Not only will you like it but so will he.

Lorenzo, a 52 year old man, who not too long ago had a relationship with a woman in her 30s, but they broke up. Now he wants to start dating again, preferably with a younger woman. He shares his thoughts:

"I guess at my age one is just a bit shy to start chatting with younger women. I had a very serious relationship with a younger woman but it was purely by accident; I didn't go searching for a younger woman, it just happened. But I have to say that I love the vitality that the younger woman brings with her. I am referring to ambitions and a positive spin on life. I myself have become rather cynical in the work that I do. So the younger woman is very refreshing. I shall take your advice and just take it easy and see what comes along instead of acting like a headless chicken."

In most cases, men are pretty straightforward in expressing if they are enjoying sex with a woman or not. The only problem is a man who is simply too shy or does not know what sex is supposed to feel like.

So if your boyfriend is not complaining, he initiates and looks forward to intimacy with you, suggests and tries new ways of pleasing each other, and your relationship is otherwise fine, it is fair to assume that he is sexually satisfied. However, if you notice that he asks for more sex or complains about you not providing him certain types of sex, or avoids sex with you, or treats sex like a chore, then you might have a problem.

Dora writes, "My partner and I have been together for six years and we have two young children. He was married before and cheated with me. I felt bad but I never knew his wife. He left her and we started our life together. Now I found e-mails that are very graphic in nature. In these emails he has been telling a girl that he's free weekend nights when he works at a restaurant till about 5 in the morning. I asked him and he said it is just fun on computer that girls find him and try to trick them for his credit card. I don't know what to do. I have a gut feeling something is happening. Or did happen in the past. I'm scared; I really love him. Do I forgive and forget? I just don't know."

Married men looking for sex partners on the Internet

You sound like a smart woman and that is why I don't expect you to believe his BS.

I am a married man myself and spend my whole day on the computer but no girl ever finds me and then talks sexy to me. No, it does not happen. And I think no one with a functioning brain responds to spam messages asking for credit card number in order to talk to girls on the Internet.

The reality is that he is trying to hook up with other girls, or even prostitutes for sex. Now the question that you have to ask him is why is this happening. Is it because he is addicted to sex and is just an unfaithful man or is it that he is sex starved at home?

Many men often find that they are not attracted to moms with young children because they are too tired and do not take care of themselves any more. That is when they start looking for sex elsewhere.

Ramesh writes, "I am an Asian man looking for a girlfriend in South Korea. I am in search of a matrimonial group who can help me and hope you can guide me. If not, kindly lead me to a proper party who does matchmaking job in Korea."

Well, I am not a big fan of matchmaking companies. I like a man to hunt his own women.

I know nothing about South Korea (all I learned during my brief travels there is that the girls are beautiful and sweet but somewhat less likely to enter into relationships with other ethnicities) and I couldn't help you but I am sure that if you try dating, you can succeed or at least find out if you are pursuing a reasonable dream or wasting your time.

Erin writes, "My boyfriend and I had a big fight because he would not commit to a lifelong relationship with me even though we have been together for 7 years. Now I feel bad and secretly hope that he will call me and we can be together again. I am going to wait for a while and probably have to use one of my friends to help us get back together. At this point, though, I am not sure if I want to accept never living together with my boyfriend or marry him. Not only it does not make sense for older people (I want someone to call 911 when I fall and break my hip), it really makes me feel like a mistress."

Breakup is best when a couple has differing visions for the future

I think if you cannot accept anything other than living together or marriage, it is fruitless to even trying to make it work. If he changes his mind about a lifelong commitment to you, he will contact you. If he does not and has not, it simply means that he values his freedom more than a relationship with you.

I think it is best that you simply try to move on without him, as you said in your parting words to him. Not every good man is good husband material, and the sooner you get him out of your system, the faster you can find someone who shares the same vision for the future as you do.

Never be needy or desperate for a relationship

On a related note, I am assuming that you are a smart, educated woman but an attitude like yours (do not call yourself old; I never want to even think that I am old; or talking about being physically disabled) might turn off many men who might find you needy and desperate. You want to live with a man not because you need someone to call 911 (I have seen an ad on TV for a LifeAlert necklace that calls 911 with the press of a button) or to tend you if you break your hip, but because you love him and enjoy his company.

Nina writes, "As a married woman in a relationship with a married man who is not committed 100% to me, I am realizing that I might never achieve full satisfaction from the relationship and he may not always be there for me. After talking to you for a while, I think I'll try to slowly get out from this relationship. No doubt it hurts very very much. It's the best path forward for the both of us and there is no need for me to die every day like this."

Married men are committed to their wives and children too

I was so happy to read your email that you are finally starting to realize that this relationship is not going to be fulfilling the way you want it and it is best to get out of it. And no, there is absolutely no reason for you to die for him and miss out on life.

Life is short and you want to make it work with what you have. There are certain things that you just cannot have (and this man is one of them) and it is futile to waste time on those. I mean I cannot be a movie star or football player or an astronaut or marry Megan Fox but that is OK because I can be what I am now and I have made peace with myself.

You can either try to see how you can have a more meaningful relationship with your husband or just take the bold step of leaving him and start a new life the way you want. Yes, it is risky and dangerous, but you have only one chance at life. I do not like talk of death and killing oneself; I want you to go for your dream with all that you got. If I understand it right, you seem to be financially independent. If you don't need your husband for financial support and if you don't love, what the hell are you doing wasting your time with him and being miserable each and every day.

So share the good news with him some day and tell me that you have dumped your boyfriend and considering leaving your husband or patched up with your husband. That will really make me happy because that is what will make you happy.

Nate writes, "I'm a 58 year old man, many years younger looking and more fit than your average 29 year old. I am not in a committed relationship yet but one is hanging in the balance. The problem is that my 40 year old male room-mate has met a woman, 41, who is drop-dead gorgeous and who is moving into a room in my home. She is falling in love with me, and I with her. I have created a distinct distance from her, agreeing to be loving but not to the point of intimacy. He, BTW, is an 'unavailable' sort. They're getting along for the moment but I foresee that she's going to be with me. The age gap of 17 years is a concern. I am mature, loving, decent, wise, and caring. She is lovely, sweet, intelligent, successful at what she does, and as conflicted as I am. What to do?"

First of all, I hope you are prepared for the consequences of stealing the girlfriend of your roommate. You will just need to find another roommate unless he is cool with the idea.

Two mature people can have a great relationship even with significant age gap

Regarding your falling for her, well, as you probably read on my blog, the number of such relationships is rapidly growing (and is not a concern considering that you look young and relationships like that have been there forever; the groundbreaking relationships these days are the ones when women at your age date younger men).

Now I would have also objected to the relationship, if say, you were 37 and she was 20. Yes, the age difference is the same, but at 37, a person is fully mature and has gone through a lot but at 20, almost everyone is pretty clueless. At the age of 41, this woman knows what she is doing, she has experienced life, heartbreak, love, and pain. Maybe she is not as wise as you, but she is no clueless teenager. So go ahead and give it a chance; you might turn out to be a great couple.

Connie asks, "My boyfriend is seven years younger then me. He's 18 and I am 24. Situation is I'm practically the only woman he's been sexually active with. And because of this sometimes I feel he only thinks he loves me because of his sexual needs. I spoke to him about it and he tells me he truly loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I feel he isn't experienced enough to make that decision. Then again I feel I'm being silly for feeling this way. What do you think?"

For men sex comes before love and for women love comes before sex

I think you pretty much answered your question. He is just 18 and lost his virginity to you. At this age (and for that matter at any age for a man) sex is a very powerful emotion and it can suppress all other emotions. Plus, he is still immature to appreciate deep, emotional love.

So if he is an otherwise nice man, just keep the relationship with him going and hopefully over time, he will mature like you. At that point, he will know for sure if you are the one.

I think it is a dilemma that all older women (who in my opinion are more mature than men at any age) face when they date younger men.

Sheila, a married woman, is dating her married colleague. Their relationship is not a secret but everyone accepts it for a variety of reasons. "It is true that my hubby hurt him a week ago because he just wants him to stay away from me. Since then he has been very cold towards me. I have been suspecting that he is now cheating on me with another girl in the office. Frankly I really love this man so much that if he tries to cheat on me I will kill myself. My whole family does not support me because of my situation and so I've only got him. What do you think? Whenever I talk about our relationship he still claims that he loves me more than anything in this world. He has to take care of his family because that is his responsibility but he must love me till death does us apart. What do you think? I'm so confused. Please help me."

Relationship with a married person is not practical

You have to realize that when you are dating a married man (even worse, while you are married) it is naive to expect that this man will love you alone (regardless of what he says to please you). It is just the fact and you have to accept it. The reason you are confused is because you want to live in a world that is not real. You want to live in a world of movies and novels. Unfortunately, in the real world, he has a family that he goes to each night and maybe he likes you too, but you cannot be the center of his life, especially if your husband is threatening to kill him.

I am assuming that your current situation is the best that you can have, but I think you should be happy with whatever time and love he can give you, given the circumstances. He has a family and it is not right for you to expect that he will give it all up when his life is under threat.

My personal suggestion would be that you ask him to divorce his wife and you divorce your husband. If he refuses to do so, it means that his love is not true. Without two of you divorcing, you will never get his true love, and you will always be lonely and sad because your husband does not love you either. Be brave and do what makes sense rather than live in this confusing arrangement. I don't know of anyone who can find true love with a married man forever.

Cassandra writes, "I broke up with my boyfriend because of his commitment phobia and the differences that we have about how to move forward but now I regret that I ended the relationship and miss him already. I want to patch up with him and make things work. I am wondering if I can ask one of our mutual friends to help us get back together. There are a few friends we both know and did things together in the past. Most of the close ones are my friends to start with. I know that his best friend and his sister-in-law like me a lot but I doubt he talked to them about our problems. He is the kind of guy who does not talk to others about his emotional issues, he goes to the "cave" to think things through. Please give me the tips to use a friend to help us get back together, if you don't think my friends will put him in defensive mood."

Neutral parties can help with reconciling differences

At this point it will be hard for both of you to talk face to face. I am sure that he feels a lot of resentment against you for dumping him and you feel anger and frustration that he has not even called and did not take it seriously when you broke up with him. In other words, if you were to pick up the phone and try to chat with him, you will either break down and make a fool of yourself or say things that might come to bite you later.

If you have a trusted friend then he or she can approach him. The sister-in-law (I prefer a family member more than a friend) can tell him that she found out that you two had broken up and it is very sad because you two were such a great couple. She wants to do her best to get you two back together because it is best for both of them (she does not have to disclose that you are the one pushing for a reconciliation). Yes, there are differences in what you both out of the relationship, but there may be a way to come to some kind of a middle ground. Maybe a dinner can be arranged for everyone to get together and talk things through.

I think if he agrees to come it means that he wants to patch up as much as you do and then you two can discuss how to work out your differences and come to a compromise. Remember that you might have to give up your demand that lead to the breakup and maybe suggest something less.

Caroline writes, "Before I broke up with my boyfriend of five years, he asked me to give him some time to think about my request of living together and having a more committed relationship. I told him he could take as long as he wanted but I would not wait around, I would move on with my life. When I was walking out of the door, he asked me not to go but I did not stop. Now I regret for not giving us a chance to see if we can work things out.
Friends all say not to contact him. Should I? Will he ever contact me again?"

What you did reflected your feelings at that time and rightfully so. Despite being an awesome man and boyfriend, it is clear that you don't fit into his life the way you want it. I think he probably misses you as well but is unwilling to compromise on his principles. Yes, there are men who are simply unwilling to compromise on certain things and he is one of them. Despite his love for you, he does not want to tied down and that is exactly what you want.

Caroline, like your friends, I would discourage you from contacting him. I think the ball is in his court now. If he values the relationship more than his desire to be free, he will contact you, apologize, and beg you to come back. If he is very firm in his resolve, then he will not contact you and it is a clear signal to you that you should move on because he has definitely figured out what he wants from his life and it is not YOU.

Having said that, I am big believer in making things work, and there may be a way to see if you can get back together. Is there a mutual friend that can help? If so, write back to me and I will give some tips on how to go about it.

Jill writes, "After my boyfriend dumped me because his parents did not like him dating me, I am so heartbroken and confused; a part of me still wants him and the other part of me is telling me that I should really get over him even though I love him and I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I know we broke up and got back together and broke up again as he didn't show me no love so I'm battling with my feelings here and it hurts most of the time even though eventually I will heal and be alright like I have never been before but currently I'm really dying. I miss that warmth of his touch and his sweet loving and the way that he made me feel so supernatural. I mean he made me feel so whole and it's hard to get over him even after what he did to me and telling me that he used me, which of course, is still painful on the inside. How do I stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling normal again?"

Dealing with a heartbreak

You are definitely experiencing heartbreak and it is natural. I think it is OK to go through the grieving because it helps. If you feel like crying, please do it. It will help your pain.

Clearly this guy was an awesome lover but a bad man. I mean he should never be allowed to fall in love with a woman or marry one because in the end his life is dictated by his mother and not by him. He is not a man; he is a sissy and they make terrible husbands.

I don't know what you want at this point. A husband or a great lover? I know you are still very young and it is fine to "play" with the boys. In that case, go right ahead and if he is using you, you can use him too and have a good time, but if you want a real man that will stand by you and eventually marry you and build a life together, then it is best to just cherish those sweet memories and move on.

I see each breakup as an opportunity to learn and get better. You have definitely learned about men and relationships after being with him and in your next relationship you will be much wiser and careful.

Is it possible for you to take some time off to travel to some place?

In response to my article about married men looking to meet married women who are in sexless relationships like them (that is, they are not getting any sex from their spouses but are not interested in divorce for a variety of reasons), I heard from a reader, who says, "I am in exactly the same situation. I have been without any sex for the last 5 years, and unenthusiastic sex for 21 years before that. It seems like there is no honest way for a married person to find another married person who has been left in the lurch sexually. I even started my own support group for people in this boat but no luck find a woman in my area. Men should try the Experience Project; they have a group for the sexless marriage, and also a group for the sex staved sexless spouse."

Victor writes, "I am looking at my neighbor woman for sex but I can't find out if she is ready to have sex with me or not. But often I see her looking me and and smiling at me when we run into each other in the common areas of our development. So how can I find out if this girl likes me or not?"

Just looking at each other may not mean much. Maybe she just thinks that your clothes are old fashioned or you have a big nose. You know what I mean.

You have to see if she is also flirting with you. That is what is important. You can also start flirting with her and if she responds then you know that you are on the right track; otherwise, stop wasting your time.

Women are not sex objects

In any case, you should stop thinking of her in terms of sex alone. Most girls abhor this attitude and even if she is attracted to you once she finds out that your interest is purely carnal, she will be turned off.

Stacy writes to me, "Neither my boyfriend or I in our relationship for the sex alone but physically he is just amazing! And the connection we have while having sex is so much, it's like fire. He has been with so many girls that he feels empty he says (only sexually he's been with them). With me he says he finds peace. He wanted a serious relationship and told me he was in love with me after a week of dating. He says I'm the one he's been looking for. He says he's not used to criticism or challenge from women, which is what he likes about me and what he needs, but doesn't know how to handle it. He says strange things like "When I have sex with girls, I roll over and sleep, but with you I wanna hold you all night" and he does. And then he finds it strange, freaks out that he's fallen for me so hard and that scares him. He wanted to introduce me to his friends, wants to meet mine, he wants the real thing. Even spoken to me about kids in the first few weeks. What I find unattractive about him (at an emotional level) is that a man like him, so alpha, shouldn't be insecure and he is. He keeps asking me if I'm seeing someone else while with him! He wants to check my phone even though I'm spending all day with him. He tells me "No woman has ever talked back to me or walked out on me after a fight". Last Saturday I canceled on a movie date with him cause I was tired, and he took it personally. It's Thursday and hasn't called me since! A lot of childish things like this he does, that turn me off emotionally. And I guess it's over since he hasn't called. I don't want to call him cause I messaged him Saturday asking I would see him the following week, but no answer. So you see, I'm with a gorgeous guy, who should be strong and confident but isn't and I'm disappointed. What to do next?"

Dating a man with contradictions

Your boyfriend has a lot of baggage from previous relationships. The good news is that he seems to recognize that there is something more than sex that one should expect from a relationship. And since he has seen that it is possible in a relationship, he appreciates that and is obviously trying to forget the past and start a more conventional relationship with you.

We all have our little problems. Arrogance or inability to appreciate feedback or insecurities are problems that people have even if they are not alpha males. These problems can exist in any man. In other words, there is no correlation. My brother-in-law, a man in his late 50s, entrepreneur, politician, and now a high-ranking government official, is terrified of New York City and literally pees his pants if he sees a cop (a cop once pulled me over on the highway but it was he who almost had a heart attack; the cop simply said that I should learn to slow down as I approach a toll booth and let me go).

Based on all that you have told me about him, this man maybe a good long term partner because of his being attractive and good in bed, but women who are married to insecure men often write to me saying that they made a wrong decision. Insecure men often suspect their wives of cheating and always live in a world where they are victims and under attack. They are so paranoid that life can be hell with them.

If he does not call back, maybe it is time to just let the relationship die.

If he does call back, you can give yourself some time to see if he changes because insecure men do change when they have supportive partners.

Carol writes, "My boyfriend and I have been together 4 months. Everything was fine in the beginning. Then around a month ago, he started acting funny, ignoring me, starting arguments for no reason. Then I found out he cheated on me. I forgave him quickly but now I'm having a hard time trusting him. We are both getting sick of each other but we are in love and neither of us wants to let go of the relationship. We want to work it out, but we have no idea where to start and I don't want us to continue feeling this way. What steps should I take to fix this? What can we do to fix our love life? I need help ASAP before we lose each other."

Troubles in a relationship happen for a reason

Are you sure that you are in such deep love considering that you have been together for just 4 months? I am not suggesting that your love is not serious but it seems difficult to believe. Plus, in that short period of time he has already cheated once. The reason I am pointing out these issues is that maybe you need to think hard if this is the man for you. It is a very short relationship, you do not trust him already, and you are already sick of each other. This is not a good start.

How to patch things in a relationship?

If you still decide that this is the man for you, the best place to start is go to a quite place for a weekend (a place where there are no distractions of sightseeing). I want you to talk. Be prepared for talking. In a notebook, write down everything that you want to tell him and all the questions that you have. Remember that you both should not interrupt when other person is talking, never raise your voice, and answer all questions honestly. If you two follow simple ground rules like that, you can have an honest communication to find out if you two should try to work this out and then set up some rules for the future.

Collin writes, "I was separated from my wife three years ago and I met a wonderful woman whom I fell in love with. Unfortunately I was very confused at the time and I ended up sleeping with my wife while we met one night to see if we could save our marriage. To our shocks, she ended up becoming pregnant. We still ended up divorcing and I tried to work it out with the woman that I love. Now three years later my girlfriend has yet to forgive me and is quite cold at times. She tells me at least once a week that she does not want to see me any more yet she continues to call me. I have a son now and I talk to my ex about once a month to discuss financial issues and about our son but there is nothing going on between us. My girlfriend can't seem to understand why this has to be. We had an amazing day today and laughed throughout the day until tonight. She started an argument with me over why I had my ex's number in my cell phone book. I told her the truth and she told me once again that she does not want to see me again. How can I get over this woman and stop thinking about her? She's killing me inside, yet, I still want to see her. I don't understand why I want to see someone who treats me so terribly. Don't get me wrong; we have amazing times together but when she gets angry she is completely out of line and unwilling to communicate. How do I start over without being so miserable? I can't stand that; I think about her all the time. All I want is to be happy with someone who can appreciate me and someone who can forgive and understand that people make mistakes. I want to set a better example for my son with relationships but am unsure how to, being this miserable in my relationship. Please give me your opinion."

Divorce is tough on men too

Not many people recognize this but divorce is very hard on men. It breaks their heart and they are never the same again. Your divorce was definitely painful and it is not easy to be separated from your child. You are dealing with all these issues and that is why you feel a need to be with someone you can love and who loves you back with full appreciation of your past and current situation.

Why get rid of abusive women?

I think you are obsessed with this girlfriend not because she is an awesome woman (based on what you say she is not) but because she is the only woman in your life. I know it will be tough for you to hear this, but regardless of those few great moments that you have together, this woman is a waste of your time and is not the right woman for you in the long run. Maybe it was the bad start to the relationship, maybe something else went wrong, but it is clear that you need to get rid of her because by having her in your life and dealing with all the drama that she makes you go through, you are missing out on opportunities to meet a woman that will truly understand you and return your love for her with understanding and passion.

Please take some time off from this woman (if you cannot completely get rid of her right away), think through what you want out of your life (being single for a few months will allow you to focus on your priorities like your son and your own mental well being), and then start fresh with another woman who is willing to accept you for what you are.

Cindy writes, "My ex-husband just moved in the state that I now reside in. He lives 30 minutes away from me. It seems like he wants to stay in contact with me though we have no children together. I don't understand. He married the woman that he cheated on me with. Yet, he "finds" reasons to talk to me. Please help me understand why he is doing that."

Why would a married ex want to talk to his previous wife?

As you probably read in my blog earlier, I think it is a terrible idea to stay in touch with an ex unless there are kids (or the two partners are still single and decide to stay friends after a breakup over something fundamental to their relationship) involved and definitely a bad idea if the partner has remarried. It is fine to be civil and polite if you run into each other by accident or at a party but other than that it is simply more trouble than you want after a divorce.

There could be a few reasons why he wants to maintain a relationship with you (and of course, you can simply ask him what he wants from you and why does he want to stay in touch with you).

1. His current marriage is not working out. It happens to some men who leave their wives for a better woman and then realize that there is no perfect woman. Everyone has some good and bad qualities and then they miss their ex wives.
2. He wants to make you jealous for whatever he has now that he didn't when you two were together.
3. He feels guilty for what he did to you and hopes that by being friendly to you, he might improve his image in your mind.

My advice to you will be to politely tell him that you are simply not interested in meaningless contact with him. You are trying to move on and staying in touch with him is not helpful.

I wanted to share thoughts of a reader on the right time for marriage. I have said before that marriage is a big responsibility and one should plan well before getting married. And here are some more secrets to a perfect marriage.

"I am only 26, and I am constantly surprised at how many of my friends have gotten married by the time they were my age or much younger in many cases. It would seem like as time passes and people become more educated and independent, less people would get married in their lower 20's, but that does not seem to be happening to my generation. I personally think it's: "Well, now I've graduated from college, what do I do now? Get married, I guess." We've been given specific paths to take our whole lives, and once people reach a point where they have to make a decision about their future, they just do what is expected, or what their parents did. They only realize around, say, 28-30 as in Dr. Neil Clark Warren's article, maybe there's something I want to do for myself that WASN'T in "the plan."

Daisy writes, "I'm from a conservative Christian background, so I made my boyfriend wait to make love for the first time, though not that long in my books (I made other men wait longer, like 3 months, some a year before intimacy). We had only been together just one month and it seemed we knew each other for 5 years! The connection and understanding, but also the fighting. When in bed, he made it all about me, he just wanted to please me, hardly himself. Constantly praising me and holding me while also finding it scary because he normally doesn't go beyond sex with others. He is damaged also because he asked a girl he loved to marry him 3 years ago, then broke it off with her thinking "I'm not capable of love, I need to party more," then came back and asked her again to which she refused! He now says that after the 3 years of meaningless sex frenzy with women since her, he has found peace and hope with me. He told me I have taken him to another level, I give him hope, he wants us to be as serious as possible, wants to meet my mom and me his mom, he seems me in his future etc...all this in the first week! But for the amount of "I love you" that he says, he hardly makes an effort (like he'll take me to a crappy place, so randomly for dinner dates, rather than make reservations like men that are serious about women do). He once asked me for $10, so he could buy me lunch! My God! I'm so turned off...so I might let him go because I want a man that can take care of me and me support and love him, not someone I have to babysit. He hasn't called and I am glad that he broke up with me."

Dump a bad boyfriend sooner rather than later

I think it was the right decision to let him go because the relationship is still very new at this stage. Regardless of how good he performed in the bed, he appears to be cheap, unsophisticated, and carries way too much baggage from his past relationships. Also, I cannot imagine how anyone can suggest this deep love, think about marriage and family so early on. It just shows immaturity.

You sound like a smart woman and I am sure someone more like you will come your way. So stay positive.

Leanne writes, "My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. Throughout this time he still talks to his ex-girlfriends. He is not the initiator in the calls and tells me who calls and what they talk about. He said that he would never disrespect our relationship and cheat on me but this contact is really bugging me. He said that it shouldn't because he doesn't have any feelings for them. We are together all the time and I don't feel like he is cheating on me but all of a sudden I am feeling pissed about the old girlfriends. I explained to him that I don't have any contact with any of my ex's and don't understand why he does. He thought it was sad that I cut the ex's out of my life. If they meant something to me then there is nothing wrong in keeping up checking in once in a while. I am totally in love with him and trust him. Sounds contradictory, huh, if I totally trust him it shouldn't bother me. He is always open to talking to me about my feelings and reassures me. These relationships are many years old and way before us. I just want advice on how to handle all this."

Boyfriend's relationship with ex-girlfriends

The traditional rules of relationships say that a person should disengage her/himself completely after entering a new one. I think in general it is good for everyone and very fair. It allows people to move on and helps cement a new relationship.

Unfortunately, it ignores something very fundamental about human nature. Memories are literally forever; it is not a computer disk that with one click you can erase everything forever and rewrite it with new data. I don't know how people expect that someone can completely erase a relationship of years (kisses, sex, wedding, honeymoon, happy/sad moments; there is so much in a relationship); so I do allow some slack. I love my wife and am totally committed to her but despite not keeping in touch with any of my exes, I still think of them from time to time as I think of my school/college days or of ex colleagues or past vacations. In other words, you can be totally committed and in love with a new person without erasing the past. Also, just because you stay in touch with an ex it does not mean that you love them and not love your current partner 100%.

Now technically if you trust him you should not be bothered. If you are, then you do not trust him. It also seems that he shares all the details with you. In other words, there is nothing to worry.

Relationship agreements

There is one problem with the scenario, though. When I have a relationship with a person, I have essentially entered into an agreement to abide by rules that we both set for each other. If we can't agree on these rules, then, the relationship is a waste of time. In your relationship, he is not abiding by that agreement. If you do not appreciate contact with exes (it is unimportant who initiates it) it is extremely important that he drop it completely even if it is totally innocent and harmless. If that is not acceptable to him, you have a right to tell him to go hang out with one of the exes.

Dawn writes, "I'm with an Alpha male (physically only). Emotionally, he's insecure and needy. He talk about his needs only - though when it comes to the physical intimacy he so wants to please me. If I don't want to put my hands in his pants, he gets offended as opposed to all the other men I've been with who responded with understanding and gave me more time! He is the tall, dark and handsome guy who has been with many girls (hardly any quality women), so he now can't take suggestion or criticism. He goes around saying "I'm an Alpha male." He says being promiscuous, and having been able to be with most women he wanted has messed him up! I'm so attracted to him physically, it's like fire between us, but emotionally I am so turned off! I want to dump him because I feel like throwing up when I see how he acts like an 18 year old (no exaggeration) - he's 29!! What do you think?"

Relationship without an emotional bond

Your case is very interesting. It seems that you want him physically but not emotionally. Definitely a normal relationship with this man is impossible and not only does he know it, you know it too. You are in it for the same reason that he is in it: sex.

The good news is that this sort of superficial attraction does not last forever. Sex alone is not adequate to sustain a relationship for very long. Right now you are each other's sex toys but very soon you both will get bored with each other.

So you have to ask yourself what do you want right now or in the near future? If you want a steady, romantic relationship with a man who appreciates you not just as a sex object but as a woman with a heart and soul, then it is time to get rid of him. However, if you think sex is too good to tolerate him for a little while more, then it is perfectly fine to use him as what the Japanese call as a sex-friend. It is a person with whom you have just sex and do not even make an effort to engage emotionally or intellectually. Once you stop making that effort to connect emotionally, sex gets even better and life is a lot less stressful. At some point, if either of you gets tired, you can always find a more conventional relationship.

Donna writes, "I am 53 and had been dating a great 58 year-old man for several years. We are both divorced. I don’t have children; he has three grown children. He is a surgeon; I am a professional woman, financially independent. We are very happy with each other and very compatible in every aspect except one thing: I want to get married or at least live together; he says he does not want to live with anyone, he will feel tied down. We spend weekend together and some times see each other once during the week. I read a lot of articles about commitment phobia but did not see the symptoms on him. I have met all his relatives, went to his son’s graduation party held by his ex wife. We do things together with his children when they are back. He took me to his home town to see his folks, showed me the house he grew up, and visited his parent’s graves. I though some day he will make the commitment. Now after 5 years dating and many talks I start to think he will never commit. I love him dearly and deeply and hoped he will change. Last Saturday I brought up again the topic of living together. He said living together was like a marriage without paper that he did not want to do. He said he did not like the Winter here and might move away after he retire from his partnership next year. He then changed and said he might get some temporary assignment (such as Doctors in Need) to work a few months in warm places in the Winter. I feel I am already dealing with the situation that I am alone a lot during the week plus some weekends when he is out of town in meetings. It sounds like he is making plans without me and there will be more lonely time ahead of me. So I told him I am moving on with my life. He asked me to give him some time to think about it. I said “You can take as long as you want; it’s irrelevant now because I am moving on.” I then packed my belongings in his place and left. Since then, I am going back forth about if I did the right thing. Did I screw up? What is the long term outlook for couples who don’t live together? What happens when they get old, sick?

Is he afraid of commitment?

No I am not sure that he is commitment phobic; otherwise he wouldn't do any of the things that you list and still be with you in a loving relationship for years.

The main problem is that there is a huge gap between the two of you regarding the expectations from the relationship. And it does not surprise me because I hear from dozens of men and women weekly who just do not want to get married after their divorces. As you know it, divorce is most often a very painful and life changing process and it leaves scars that never go away. This man has simply decided that marriage is not for him. I only wish that he was clear about this when you two started dating, though, I must say that women often tend to ignore when men mention their reluctance to get married hoping that their love will change their opinion.

Breakup with a commitment phobe?

If you were as happy as you say you were and this man is as good as you say, I would say that you should have just compromised with the arrangement, because I really don't think that you want his money if you two were to divorce or after his death (you say that you are financially independent). In my opinion, marriage is merely a financial arrangement because I know wonderful couples without being married and miserable couples in traditional marriages. There is no guarantee that a marriage will make one monogamous because I hear all the time from married men and women who cheat and also hear from unmarried couples who are truly committed to each other.

Good men like him at this time are nearly impossible to find and you might regret it later. Regarding leaving him, I think you have already done it and there is no reason to analyze it, but there is always something to learn from each experience in life. From this, the message is that it is better to lay it all out very early on in a relationship so that there is no frustration later on. I recognize that it is not always easy and possible but it can help in many ways.

Having said this, if marriage is what you really want, and more than a relationship with a wonderful man, then, it was best to leave him. I have no hope that he will change and if you kept waiting you were losing precious time in finding a man who will marry you.

Living together without marriage

Regarding long-term living before marriage, there is more data available since it has been studied by many groups and it seems that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce.

I am not aware of any data on couples that simply live together because they do not believe in traditional marriage (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example). The Census Bureau does not collect any data on such couples and there is no legal trail of their relationships, no one really knows how they turn out. Since our society values marriage so much, couples without marriage face a lot of challenges with regards to health insurance, inheritance, visitation rights, etc.

Don't dwell too much on your decision. It is in line with your goals and vision for the future -- he did not fit in it. Some men are great individuals and even lovers, but just not husband-material. It is best to have them simply as friends.

Rose writes, "I like younger men because they make me laugh but I live in a town with people who have a hard time with it. I am 45 years old and I like men in their twenties. Not below twenty one. Do you have any women my age who are dating a younger man and to give me hope that I will meet my younger man? Men my age are so bossy to me and make me feel inferior to them. I was told by a woman who was turning 45 that she thought I looked like I was twenty eight."

I think you should keep your hopes alive; I just responded to a 72 year old woman who is dating a 25 year old. If you look 28, you have a lot of hope; you might just have to relocate to a bigger metropolitan area. People do all sorts of things to pursue their passion and you might have to leave your little town behind to do what you want out of your life.

Jason writes, "I am married to a wonderful woman. The problem is, she does not enjoy sex, I DO. Do I want to leave her? NO. We have tried counseling, she doesn't like going. We have tried sexual aids, she thinks it's weird. And still, I am yearning for the days of mad sex every night. So I'm 50, did my tallywacker die? No. Isn't there some woman that have the same issue only with their man and want to meet? Can't I find some sex crazed female that wants nothing more than to be mutual sex toys? Is there anything wrong with that? Usually, you spend months looking online and spend hours fruitlessly contacting women who say they only want sex, but really want more. Or they aren't real! or they are totally dishonest. Just say it like it is, I need and want it but don't plan on leaving my spouse. I'm not perfect but boy can I do it. What are my options?"

Dating for married people looking for a lover

Trust me you are not alone, if that gives you any comfort. That is why a whole bunch of websites have popped up trying to match sex-starved married people. Unfortunately, they are full of whores looking for customers.

In other words, it is not easy, and understandably so. Having a solid relationship like that is hard to find and many of my readers have told me that even mistresses can be too much work and often very manipulative.

Having said that, many people do find mutually beneficial relationships the old fashioned way. By hooking up with people that they already know through something else. Remember that the biggest barrier for a married woman (I strongly suggest married only because most single women eventually want to fall in love and marry you) to engage in a relationship like this is the fear of getting caught. However, if it is someone that they know well and trust, it is easier for them to take the plunge.

So look at the pool of people that you know and guess who could be in this situation. Also expand your circle. Get active in local community activities, join some interest based groups that attract women in your age group, and keep trying. It will be easier than you had ever imagined.

Shekhar in Calcutta, writes, "I want to say something about my initial flirt. In my flat I have a big window. I have been passing my time there only because I like cool ocean breeze and often enjoy a glass of wine there. One day I found a woman from the apartment in the next building looking at me. While I was watching she didn’t give that much of response. After two or three days I did the same. Then she started to shut the window. After a few weeks, she also tried to see me little bit. Now she is looking at me more often and it has been going on like that. One more thing, for the last two days she is also using my same time to go to her office and I could meet her on the way to the train station. So is this girl interested in me or what? Am I going the right way or not? Please help me."

How to find out if a neighbor is romantically interested?

It appears that this girl is definitely interested in you to some extent but I am not sure if this is going too far because both of you are way too shy.

I think the logical next step for you will be to casually approach her while you go to work and see if she is interested in you. Just go up to her and say hello and tell her that you are interested in friendship with her. If she calls the police, you should stay away from her; if she seems inclined to talk more about work, life, etc., you might end up finding out that she feels the same way you do.

Lata writes, "I am an Indian female, 41, married and committed adultery with a 55 year old married man. We are colleagues and know each other when I started working at his office 16 years ago, but we have been close only for the past 10 years. His and my family knows about us but still we never let go our relationship but recently my husband hurt this man. Still my lover and I never let each other go. Now it seems that he is trying to avoid me. In the past we went out only once a month and spent a few hour together but we talk often on the phone. Now he hardly calls me but always accuses me that I am keeping a distance from him. What is going on?"

Why is my boyfriend avoiding me?

There are two possibilities of change in his behavior.

One, someone has told him to stay away from you. Maybe there is a threat involved. Could it be your husband? You say that he recently hurt your lover.

Two, he has found another woman or got bored with you or his wife has threatened to leave him.

His cold behavior may be his indirect way of telling you to go away.

In any case, I am simply not in favor of dating married people and then expecting that it will be the same as if it were two single people.

Stress is killing my sex life

Christopher writes, "Whenever I have something on my mind, my sexual appetite goes off completely no matter how I try to forget. What must I do to control this? Also my spouse seems to open up for me only to please me though she has no interest in making love at a particular time and this has become a habit. Therefore, I am losing touch in our sexual excitement. Please help."

Impact of stress on relationships

There is enormous evidence that shows that stress, worry, and insomnia can completely kill sexual desire and even cause impotency or erectile dysfunction. So you need to work on the root cause of your what is on your mind. I am not a stress expert but like anyone else I do have it as well as lots of worries.

Many people have found relief with yoga but I am more of the kind that likes to eliminate the root cause. A previous job that was driving me nuts, well, I quit and now have an awesome job here helping wonderful people like you. So try to identify the problem of your mind not being at peace and try to deal with it. Maybe it means a change of jobs or place or whatever it is. Having a spiritual outlook on life always helps.

Put yourself in your wife's shoes

Regarding your spouse, well, could it be that she too is experiencing anxiety, exhaustion, worry, stress, depression, etc.? Additionally, women's libido reduces with age. At that time many men are at their sexual peak and often experience frustration.

You need to work on your personal issues and try to understand those of your wife to see how you can help her without making her feel as if she is the problem.