Carol writes, "My story is a long one, I'm not sure what I should do. I've been married for almost 4 years. He's been working out of the country for about three and a half with visits home every 2 or 3 months for approximately 2 weeks at a time. I moved into his house, in a different town, with my 2 children in Dec. 2005. He left for his overseas job in March 2006. The first year he was gone, I did nothing. I'd want to go out; he'd say, "Wait until I get home and I'll take you." I'd mention wanting to drink a glass of wine and he'd say, "Wait until I get home I'll drink one with you." My kids were gone with their dad every other weekend. Those weekends alone I wouldn't go anywhere or do anything. I was getting depressed, angry, lonely and resentful. I had to call him at certain times of the day, if I was out with my cell phone I'd have to call him back when I got home (on the house phone). I ended up on anti-depressants. I started going out and not telling him. Seeing old friends and eventually having affairs. I was in school full time and couldn't afford to leave. My goal was to graduate, get a job and file for divorce. I graduated in May, haven't found a job and told him last week when he was here what my plan was all along (to leave after finding a job). He was hurt, but the next day he acted like nothing was wrong. We get along most of the time, I'm comfortable around him, but I'm not sexually attracted to him. I haven't been with another man for over a year (therapist's idea). I'm not sure that I even love him. I know I care about him, but I want to feel more, I want to feel like I love someone. Is this normal? I feel like he's very insecure. Constantly monitoring me when I'm on the computer, or if I get a text message. He needs to know what's going on at all times. He wants me to show him more attention and I just can't fake it anymore. I hate having sex with him, I even hate kissing him. For the first 3 years I'd tell my mom about how I felt and she'd just tell me to tell him what he wants to hear. I don't know what to do now. I hate to hurt him but I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm 38, very well taken care of, but really not happy at all."

Why should you leave a marriage without joy?

The way you feel is very natural. For the vast majority of people being in a relationship is not just about physical attraction but also feel a strong emotional bond. This is true for women even more for whom the emotional part is even more important than physical attraction.

It is also very clear that your husband is a control freak that does not want you have to have a life that does not include him. It is impossible to change a man like that and regardless of how hard your try, he will still be suspicious and paranoid.

My recommendation for you would be to end this relationship when it is convenient for you. Having a steady, well-paid job is definitely going to be helpful for you and your kids to be comfortable. It also seems that the timing of your departure is not going to matter much because this man lives in a different world.

Nina, a married woman has been in a 15-year relationship with another married man. It is not a secret and her husband, while very unhappy with the arrangement, is still married to her for the sake of kids. In my conversations with her, I have asked her to end the relationship because she is always frustrated not being able to spend enough time with him and is paranoid that he will leave her some day. She writes, "We went out again last time and had a good time, but again I have not heard from him for several days now. I want to see him. The thing is that when we were together we are able to compromise and resolve our disputes, but when I do not hear from him, I get anxious. Have I gone crazy? This is so confusing."

I think your problem is that you take this extramarital affair too seriously and you shouldn't because you both are married. This is a fling that seems to have lasted for a very long time. Maybe you two are in love but this relationship has no future.

How to have an extra marital affair?

I think if you expect less from him, you both can be happy and still carry on your extramarital affair. I think it is your fervent wish that he act like a husband that creates complications. Maybe it is easy for you to be in touch with him more often but remember that it may not be so easy for him. He has a wife and children to attend to.

While I would really like you to end this, but if you wish to continue, expect less from him and appreciate whatever time and attention you can get from him. That way you will enjoy the time you have with him rather than fighting why he can't spend more time with you.

American woman marrying a Chinese man

Tina tells me, "I am a Caucasian lady. I have been dating a Chinese man for many years, and I have to agree that he is respectful and a true gentleman. His parents did not approve of us at first, but over the years realized that he really loves me.
We will be getting married next year and I am really happy. I love the strong family values that are part of the Asian culture. I really feel that I would have a tough time finding a quality man of this caliber in my Caucasian dating network."