Stephen writes, "My girlfriend just broke up with me. We had been going out for three years and I was certain that she was the one (I even started looking for engagement rings). We were going to move to California, where she was going to go to graduate school. All of a sudden, she freaks out and says that she wants to take a break to see what else is out there, and to "live a little" because she felt that we were "losing our identities." She says she still loves me but that she needs space and that we will see what happens (one of those "if it's meant to be..."). I have a false hope that she will get back with me after she realizes her mistake, but i can't deal with this overwhelming sadness and the urge to be an obsessive ex. Please help! I love her so much but this is killing me."

What can you do when you girlfriend does not want to get married?

It is often the case that when the moment of truth comes many women and men freak out. Marriage is a big commitment and it can scare both men and women. That is what is happening to her.

Another possibility is that she was never convinced that you were the man for life for her. She stayed with you till she was able to confirm that feeling or that she really did not have an option or that she was waiting for an opportunity to breakup or was just too timid to say what she really felt. She thinks that by committing to something more than just dating, she might not be able to have fun and may have to get married when she really does not want and that too with a man she is not so sure of.

Not fair to you by any means but definitely not unusual, especially among younger people.

The right thing for you to do is to move on. Trust me if you are a nice guy (appears that you are), many girls will love to have you as a husband and you should have no trouble finding that lucky girl. If this ex of yours does not appreciate what you have in mind for her and your life together, she is the unlucky one and not to be pursued by you against her will.

My personal recommendation is to let her move on too and you shouldn't even send her a card during the holidays. Just retain the sweet memories of the relationship but start dating again. I am hopeful that in no time you might find that for great guys there are always lots of great girls.

What is wrong with this picture? Absolutely nothing. Actually, this photo of Heidi Klum and Seal is a great example of how interracial relationships can work and there is nothing wrong with checking out a man of a different race.

Not so for one of my readers, who I think has some racial prejudices of her own, and of course, she confirms that her parents are racists. "I met this guy as a family friend and I tried to hold off dating him as he is 20 and I am 25. He is also black but was brought up by a white family so he speaks well and he is practically white! But with these two issues being there I really do find myself heavily attracted to him. I have no problem being in public with him and showing affection but my problem comes in with the family as I am living with them and I am not sure if they would approve of our relationship! My parents stay in another city but one thing they said to me was I must never bring a black guy home. I am afraid that they will not accept this and it would put strain on the relationship! I'm considering telling them as he is really a great guy. It is just he is younger and of different colour. How do I tell them without their freaking out?" she asks.

You are an adult and you have to stand up for your choices now. I don't necessarily recommend picking fights with family members but it appears that your parents are racists.

You have an important decision to make now - How much do you love this man? If you are serious about this man, then you need to stand up for your choice and tell your parents that racism is not right and you do not approve of their thinking. Tell them politely that you love this man and his skin color has no role whatsoever in how you feel about him.

If you think that it is only a casual relationship and not worth spoiling family harmony, it is OK to breakup with him right away. You can simply tell him that you want to end the relationship - telling him that you are breaking up because of his skin color is not appropriate.

In the future, before you want to date a man, you must also think about your choice. Do you want to date someone you like or do you want to date someone that your parents like?

Finally, a 5-year age difference is not relevant. You guys are in the same age bracket; couples today are dating across generations and a couple has tied the knot with a 58-year age gap.

Breakups are, well, heartbreakingly painful. You can deny yourself as much as you want but the reality is that the pain of breakup has to be dealt with so that you can move on. In fact it is easy to purge your mind of all the negative emotions; otherwise, you will carry the baggage into your next relationship and have another problematic relationship. Watch this video in which relationship guru Amy Kean highlights several different techniques to move on after a breakup.

When a woman is in a relationship with a significant age gap, she has two major concerns: Is this man going to leave me for a younger woman and If he is simply using me? Carla has the first issue to deal with. She writes, "I am not yet 40 and my new boyfriend (of 2 months) is six years younger. When we met, I really thought he was about my age. We are fine with this age disparity. He's divorced; has already been a step-father to a boy whose mother is 8 years older than my boyfriend. Children are not my top priority. I have had more years of a career than in a truly loving relationship. I'd like to have lots of time with this person before thinking about kids. The niggly thought is: at 40, will he leave me to have a family with someone who is still able? This fear is what has me thinking of putting the brakes on; even breaking up with him. I would really appreciate any info you may be able to share with me."

Indeed, your prospects of getting pregnant are rapidly declining and I am sure that he understands this. If he has chosen to have a relationship with you, he fully understands that kids are probably out of question, at least not without some kind of fertility treatment.

So if you like him, I would say that there is no reason to breakup based only on a baseless fear. There are so many reasons that a man may end a relationship and this is just one of them. So be positive and give your best to the relationship. If he wants other kids and loves you, adoption is one option, but I am sure that he is not interested in more kids - he wouldn't be "wasting" his time with you.

It is not easy to ask a woman to dump her boyfriend or expect a married woman to get a divorce even though she is clearly interested in a relationship with you. While you may lose an opportunity, you may also end up making a fool of yourself.

Paul has a similar dilemma. He says, "I have this girl here at my college. She is in a long distance relationship. However, she has flirted with me often and even stated that she has feelings for me and has thought of me when she was alone. She even text-messaged me saying she couldn't sleep because she was thinking about me. We get along very well and even sat down and talked and laughed for about four hours because we lost track of time. I like her personality because she is so outgoing and I must admit she isn't bad on the the eyes either. She has stated that she likes my personality as well. She likes her current boyfriend, of course, and I am not the type to make her cheat or breakup. I respect her and her dating choices, but I can tell she feels something for me as well. I don't know if I should make a move and convince her I could be better than the man she is with. I also don't know if I am just a fall-back guy because her boyfriend lives so far away. I just don't know and don't have enough insight on women to make a decision. I like her and she stated she likes me as well. I ask you Should I make a move? And if yes, then should it be straightforward or more passive? I would really appreciate your input."

My question is What did you do/say to her when she said/did all these things. Is it a possibility that you did not reciprocate her declaration of feelings for you? If so, she may be wondering that you do not like her enough yet and that is why the relationship has not gone anywhere.

Please do let her know that you feel about her the way she feels about you. You can do that by either telling her in person or writing it down in a card or by starting to flirt back with her. I would say that at this stage it is best that you do not "make a move" as such but reassure her that the passionate feelings are mutual and you are as much into her as she is into you. At that point she may be able to make up her mind but there is a possibility that she likes the other guy even more and is simply entertaining herself by flirting with you - you just need to be prepared for this reality and the resulting disappointment.

It is not just Bruce Willis and Demi Moore who get it right - be able to look into each others eyes and smile even after a divorce or breakup. Others can do it too. It just requires more class.

I have been helping Melissa who broke up with her girlfriend after she complained about her not being warm about the relationship. They broke up and Melissa has decided to change certain things about herself. She wrote her ex a polite letter and thought that was it.

But no. She actually got a call from her ex. "My ex and I hung out (Revive relationship with an ex) all weekend and as it turns out we make much better friends than girlfriends. It was really wonderful to be able to talk, hug, and laugh together. We still love each other, just in a more healthy way now. It has been difficult for us to get to this point, and we have both made mistakes, but we have honestly forgiven each other without holding any resentment. I am having more fun being single than I ever have when I’m in a relationship. I lose all the good parts of myself when I start seriously dating someone. I don’t want that to happen again. There are things I need to change about myself before I will be ready to be with someone again. I know I need to love myself or at least accept myself, before anyone else can really truly love me."

What a great attitude! To have a more "mature" after-breakup relationship with your ex. I don't like those breakups when you "hate" the other person and really feel uncomfortable when you run into each other. I often wonder how people who were (supposedly) in love at one time hate each other so much later.

Since Jennifer Aniston spoke to Vanity Fair last month, a lot has changed. She came across as someone fully rested and recharged when she appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show. In other words, as I keep saying, you must make a sincere effort to move on after a breakup or a divorce. From the interview, it was quite obvious that she has put the whole Brangelina deal behind her and she is now ready to date again. Aniston told Oprah, "...I'm not sitting somewhere dwelling on the past or obsessing about something in the future."

Update December 2006: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn breakup

How did Jennifer Aniston deal with the pain of divorce?

1. Accept the reality. Divorce is painful. She said so in her previous interview.
2. Take your time to deal with the pain. The worst thing you can do after a breakup or a divorce is to sleep with the first person you come across or whoever is nicer to you. If you noticed, she has not been seen with a man yet.
3. Focus your energy somewhere and find a way to deal with your stress. For instance, she is already working on some exciting acting projects and used yoga to deal with the stress.

Recommended articles: How to find happiness after breakup?

Jennifer Aniston speaks out in Vanity Fair interview

Generally speaking divorce creates bitterness among couples. But that is not the case with Jennifer Aniston. While her ex-husband is riding the wave of Brangelina, Aniston still loves him, according to an interview with Vanity Fair. "I love Brad; I really love him. I will love him for the rest of my life," she says. Or in other words, it appears that Pitt "dumped" him rather than the couple agreeing mutually to a pleasant divorce as initial media reports indicated.

Aniston's interview highlights very clearly how a couple can never really erase their past relationship. When we get into a new relationship our new partners expect us that we can simply wipe all the memories and start over, but that is not the case. Most people always think of their previous relationships - after all they were in love with that person at one time and even planned on spending their whole life with them. (Related article: Marriage is a big responsibility)

In another startling disclosure, Aniston also dispute the rumors that disagreement over pregnancy was the cause for divorce. Of course, the whole Brangelina thing is another major source of pain for Aniston, particularly ongoing rumors that Brad Pill and Angelina Jolie may move in together or she may be pregnant. Talking about the spread in W magazine that shows the two as a happily married couple with children, Aniston says, "There's a sensitivity chip that's missing."

Finally let me mention something else here that I have been preaching for a while. When you do get out of a relationship, the last thing you want to do is to get into a new one simply because you are not used to being alone or you can't cope with being single. Aniston says that she is no rush to get into a new relationship right away. (Related article: Dating for divorced people)

The interview is a painful reminder of what a woman goes through in a divorce drama. My advice to all the men who are contemplating a divorce is to understand that a woman has a heart and you are not being a gentleman by hurting her. It is acceptable to have a divorce but you can be more sensitive about your partner.

Update December 2006: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn breakup

Recommended article: Dating a recently divorced man