Nina, a married woman has been in a 15-year relationship with another married man. It is not a secret and her husband, while very unhappy with the arrangement, is still married to her for the sake of kids. In my conversations with her, I have asked her to end the relationship because she is always frustrated not being able to spend enough time with him and is paranoid that he will leave her some day. She writes, "We went out again last time and had a good time, but again I have not heard from him for several days now. I want to see him. The thing is that when we were together we are able to compromise and resolve our disputes, but when I do not hear from him, I get anxious. Have I gone crazy? This is so confusing."

I think your problem is that you take this extramarital affair too seriously and you shouldn't because you both are married. This is a fling that seems to have lasted for a very long time. Maybe you two are in love but this relationship has no future.

How to have an extra marital affair?

I think if you expect less from him, you both can be happy and still carry on your extramarital affair. I think it is your fervent wish that he act like a husband that creates complications. Maybe it is easy for you to be in touch with him more often but remember that it may not be so easy for him. He has a wife and children to attend to.

While I would really like you to end this, but if you wish to continue, expect less from him and appreciate whatever time and attention you can get from him. That way you will enjoy the time you have with him rather than fighting why he can't spend more time with you.

Betty writes, "I had long suspected that my husband was cheating on me with other women, escorts, call girls, and prostitutes. I started to collect evidence of his adultery to make sure that my suspicion was correct. I tried ignoring it but that's just to hard. So one day I made him sit down in front of him and I let it all out. I asked him questions from A-Z. At first he tried to get mad but when I told him all the things that I knew, he got quiet. I continued on with what was on my mind and heart and he still was lying in my face. He apologized for everything and then he asked for me to help him. I'm like; HELP YOU. What? Stop lying and be honest. But after all was said and done we looked past it but he hasn't changed since then. He is still doing the same thing. I just can't take this anymore. I'm trying my best to look away from this but it's too hard. I'm running out of ideas."

I think his behavior is confirming what you had suspected. Now I am sure that you can understand what would a man do in such cases. Everyone lies when they are doing something that they are not supposed to do.

Why is your husband with other women?

It is also important to remember that he has higher libido than you do and since he is not sexually satisfied he is looking for more sex. I think that is what he means by asking for your help. If you stop helping him he will go back to doing what he was doing and nothing good will come out of that. You have told me that you want to stay in this marriage and that is why being angry with him is not the answer. It is important that you ask him what help he needs and give it to him. Maybe he wants more sex or different type of sex, maybe therapy, maybe something else, but if you stop treating this as a problem, you cannot find a solution.

Different men have different sexual appetites and one way or the other they can figure out a way to satisfy it. If their wives do not cooperate (I know women who join their men and help them have sex with other women so that they know what is going on and make sure that the husband has sex with the right kind of girls rather than whores with sexual diseases), either they cheat or get a divorce.

What can a victim of adulterous husband do?

Betty, you have a lot of thinking to do. What are you willing to sacrifice to keep your marriage? Are you willing to change in some ways to keep your marriage or would you give up your marriage to keep your principles? I am not very confident that he will change completely and become the man that you want but what he wants is understanding from you so that he can still do what pleases him because he is addicted to them.

Dora writes, "My partner and I have been together for six years and we have two young children. He was married before and cheated with me. I felt bad but I never knew his wife. He left her and we started our life together. Now I found e-mails that are very graphic in nature. In these emails he has been telling a girl that he's free weekend nights when he works at a restaurant till about 5 in the morning. I asked him and he said it is just fun on computer that girls find him and try to trick them for his credit card. I don't know what to do. I have a gut feeling something is happening. Or did happen in the past. I'm scared; I really love him. Do I forgive and forget? I just don't know."

Married men looking for sex partners on the Internet

You sound like a smart woman and that is why I don't expect you to believe his BS.

I am a married man myself and spend my whole day on the computer but no girl ever finds me and then talks sexy to me. No, it does not happen. And I think no one with a functioning brain responds to spam messages asking for credit card number in order to talk to girls on the Internet.

The reality is that he is trying to hook up with other girls, or even prostitutes for sex. Now the question that you have to ask him is why is this happening. Is it because he is addicted to sex and is just an unfaithful man or is it that he is sex starved at home?

Many men often find that they are not attracted to moms with young children because they are too tired and do not take care of themselves any more. That is when they start looking for sex elsewhere.

Sheila, a married woman, is dating her married colleague. Their relationship is not a secret but everyone accepts it for a variety of reasons. "It is true that my hubby hurt him a week ago because he just wants him to stay away from me. Since then he has been very cold towards me. I have been suspecting that he is now cheating on me with another girl in the office. Frankly I really love this man so much that if he tries to cheat on me I will kill myself. My whole family does not support me because of my situation and so I've only got him. What do you think? Whenever I talk about our relationship he still claims that he loves me more than anything in this world. He has to take care of his family because that is his responsibility but he must love me till death does us apart. What do you think? I'm so confused. Please help me."

Relationship with a married person is not practical

You have to realize that when you are dating a married man (even worse, while you are married) it is naive to expect that this man will love you alone (regardless of what he says to please you). It is just the fact and you have to accept it. The reason you are confused is because you want to live in a world that is not real. You want to live in a world of movies and novels. Unfortunately, in the real world, he has a family that he goes to each night and maybe he likes you too, but you cannot be the center of his life, especially if your husband is threatening to kill him.

I am assuming that your current situation is the best that you can have, but I think you should be happy with whatever time and love he can give you, given the circumstances. He has a family and it is not right for you to expect that he will give it all up when his life is under threat.

My personal suggestion would be that you ask him to divorce his wife and you divorce your husband. If he refuses to do so, it means that his love is not true. Without two of you divorcing, you will never get his true love, and you will always be lonely and sad because your husband does not love you either. Be brave and do what makes sense rather than live in this confusing arrangement. I don't know of anyone who can find true love with a married man forever.

Carol writes, "My boyfriend and I have been together 4 months. Everything was fine in the beginning. Then around a month ago, he started acting funny, ignoring me, starting arguments for no reason. Then I found out he cheated on me. I forgave him quickly but now I'm having a hard time trusting him. We are both getting sick of each other but we are in love and neither of us wants to let go of the relationship. We want to work it out, but we have no idea where to start and I don't want us to continue feeling this way. What steps should I take to fix this? What can we do to fix our love life? I need help ASAP before we lose each other."

Troubles in a relationship happen for a reason

Are you sure that you are in such deep love considering that you have been together for just 4 months? I am not suggesting that your love is not serious but it seems difficult to believe. Plus, in that short period of time he has already cheated once. The reason I am pointing out these issues is that maybe you need to think hard if this is the man for you. It is a very short relationship, you do not trust him already, and you are already sick of each other. This is not a good start.

How to patch things in a relationship?

If you still decide that this is the man for you, the best place to start is go to a quite place for a weekend (a place where there are no distractions of sightseeing). I want you to talk. Be prepared for talking. In a notebook, write down everything that you want to tell him and all the questions that you have. Remember that you both should not interrupt when other person is talking, never raise your voice, and answer all questions honestly. If you two follow simple ground rules like that, you can have an honest communication to find out if you two should try to work this out and then set up some rules for the future.

Donna writes, "I am 53 and had been dating a great 58 year-old man for several years. We are both divorced. I don’t have children; he has three grown children. He is a surgeon; I am a professional woman, financially independent. We are very happy with each other and very compatible in every aspect except one thing: I want to get married or at least live together; he says he does not want to live with anyone, he will feel tied down. We spend weekend together and some times see each other once during the week. I read a lot of articles about commitment phobia but did not see the symptoms on him. I have met all his relatives, went to his son’s graduation party held by his ex wife. We do things together with his children when they are back. He took me to his home town to see his folks, showed me the house he grew up, and visited his parent’s graves. I though some day he will make the commitment. Now after 5 years dating and many talks I start to think he will never commit. I love him dearly and deeply and hoped he will change. Last Saturday I brought up again the topic of living together. He said living together was like a marriage without paper that he did not want to do. He said he did not like the Winter here and might move away after he retire from his partnership next year. He then changed and said he might get some temporary assignment (such as Doctors in Need) to work a few months in warm places in the Winter. I feel I am already dealing with the situation that I am alone a lot during the week plus some weekends when he is out of town in meetings. It sounds like he is making plans without me and there will be more lonely time ahead of me. So I told him I am moving on with my life. He asked me to give him some time to think about it. I said “You can take as long as you want; it’s irrelevant now because I am moving on.” I then packed my belongings in his place and left. Since then, I am going back forth about if I did the right thing. Did I screw up? What is the long term outlook for couples who don’t live together? What happens when they get old, sick?

Is he afraid of commitment?

No I am not sure that he is commitment phobic; otherwise he wouldn't do any of the things that you list and still be with you in a loving relationship for years.

The main problem is that there is a huge gap between the two of you regarding the expectations from the relationship. And it does not surprise me because I hear from dozens of men and women weekly who just do not want to get married after their divorces. As you know it, divorce is most often a very painful and life changing process and it leaves scars that never go away. This man has simply decided that marriage is not for him. I only wish that he was clear about this when you two started dating, though, I must say that women often tend to ignore when men mention their reluctance to get married hoping that their love will change their opinion.

Breakup with a commitment phobe?

If you were as happy as you say you were and this man is as good as you say, I would say that you should have just compromised with the arrangement, because I really don't think that you want his money if you two were to divorce or after his death (you say that you are financially independent). In my opinion, marriage is merely a financial arrangement because I know wonderful couples without being married and miserable couples in traditional marriages. There is no guarantee that a marriage will make one monogamous because I hear all the time from married men and women who cheat and also hear from unmarried couples who are truly committed to each other.

Good men like him at this time are nearly impossible to find and you might regret it later. Regarding leaving him, I think you have already done it and there is no reason to analyze it, but there is always something to learn from each experience in life. From this, the message is that it is better to lay it all out very early on in a relationship so that there is no frustration later on. I recognize that it is not always easy and possible but it can help in many ways.

Having said this, if marriage is what you really want, and more than a relationship with a wonderful man, then, it was best to leave him. I have no hope that he will change and if you kept waiting you were losing precious time in finding a man who will marry you.

Living together without marriage

Regarding long-term living before marriage, there is more data available since it has been studied by many groups and it seems that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce.

I am not aware of any data on couples that simply live together because they do not believe in traditional marriage (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example). The Census Bureau does not collect any data on such couples and there is no legal trail of their relationships, no one really knows how they turn out. Since our society values marriage so much, couples without marriage face a lot of challenges with regards to health insurance, inheritance, visitation rights, etc.

Don't dwell too much on your decision. It is in line with your goals and vision for the future -- he did not fit in it. Some men are great individuals and even lovers, but just not husband-material. It is best to have them simply as friends.

Jason writes, "I am married to a wonderful woman. The problem is, she does not enjoy sex, I DO. Do I want to leave her? NO. We have tried counseling, she doesn't like going. We have tried sexual aids, she thinks it's weird. And still, I am yearning for the days of mad sex every night. So I'm 50, did my tallywacker die? No. Isn't there some woman that have the same issue only with their man and want to meet? Can't I find some sex crazed female that wants nothing more than to be mutual sex toys? Is there anything wrong with that? Usually, you spend months looking online and spend hours fruitlessly contacting women who say they only want sex, but really want more. Or they aren't real! or they are totally dishonest. Just say it like it is, I need and want it but don't plan on leaving my spouse. I'm not perfect but boy can I do it. What are my options?"

Dating for married people looking for a lover

Trust me you are not alone, if that gives you any comfort. That is why a whole bunch of websites have popped up trying to match sex-starved married people. Unfortunately, they are full of whores looking for customers.

In other words, it is not easy, and understandably so. Having a solid relationship like that is hard to find and many of my readers have told me that even mistresses can be too much work and often very manipulative.

Having said that, many people do find mutually beneficial relationships the old fashioned way. By hooking up with people that they already know through something else. Remember that the biggest barrier for a married woman (I strongly suggest married only because most single women eventually want to fall in love and marry you) to engage in a relationship like this is the fear of getting caught. However, if it is someone that they know well and trust, it is easier for them to take the plunge.

So look at the pool of people that you know and guess who could be in this situation. Also expand your circle. Get active in local community activities, join some interest based groups that attract women in your age group, and keep trying. It will be easier than you had ever imagined.

Lata writes, "I am an Indian female, 41, married and committed adultery with a 55 year old married man. We are colleagues and know each other when I started working at his office 16 years ago, but we have been close only for the past 10 years. His and my family knows about us but still we never let go our relationship but recently my husband hurt this man. Still my lover and I never let each other go. Now it seems that he is trying to avoid me. In the past we went out only once a month and spent a few hour together but we talk often on the phone. Now he hardly calls me but always accuses me that I am keeping a distance from him. What is going on?"

Why is my boyfriend avoiding me?

There are two possibilities of change in his behavior.

One, someone has told him to stay away from you. Maybe there is a threat involved. Could it be your husband? You say that he recently hurt your lover.

Two, he has found another woman or got bored with you or his wife has threatened to leave him.

His cold behavior may be his indirect way of telling you to go away.

In any case, I am simply not in favor of dating married people and then expecting that it will be the same as if it were two single people.

Liz dated a married man and then broke up with him after realizing that he merely wanted her as a mistress and was not interested in a long term relationship with her nor could she force the married boyfriend to divorce his wife. He has insisted on seeing her and she has been tempted. "I really don't want to see him again, but I know it's easier said than done. He is a computer science professor and I am studying information technology and actually that is how we hooked up. He promised to help me with my courses and also talked about helping me find employment after I graduate. He calls me now saying we should meet, when he comes back from a business trip,that he wants to take me out, and that we should spend the night together and nothing will happen. I told him that is not possible and I will not allow it. But I just don't know if I should cut all connections with this man. He has connections that might be needed in the future. He is kinda influential in some circles and can open many doors for me, literally changing my life. What do you think?"

No, please do not get in touch with him again. It will be impossible to maintain just a professional relationship with him after all that you went through (romantic and sexual relationship). He is using his power, money, and influence to charm you and looks as if you are still charmed by him. Yes, losing him will be a loss and may hurt you in terms of your career, but I know that sometimes you have to take difficult decisions. You already have a boyfriend and this man is not for you. He is married anyway.

Based on what you have told me all this time, it is a terrible idea to meet him again even for a cup of coffee together. Are you really that naive to believe that "we should spend the night together and nothing will happen" means that you will write apps for iPhone? Why would a married man want to spend a night with a woman he once had sex with? To have sex, obviously.

Please forget this man. There is nothing in it for you. Maybe he might help you out in some way but the price that you will have to pay is very high. It is best to go ahead through your skills rather than paying for his help with sex.

Carla writes, "I am a married woman and have been dating a married man for 3 years. Both of our spouses know about the relationship. We both have a minor child; mine 9 and his 12. At first he would tell me that he will leave when his child graduates from high school but now he's saying that he will leave now if I (we) could come up with a feasible plan. He also says that if I wanted him I would have him by now. We live thousands and of miles apart and see each other regularly but there's not a day that goes by that we don't speak with one another. We both argue continuously with our spouses about this relationship and want to know why the two of us can''t leave each other alone. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. He has even threatened to hurt me if I attempted to leave him. I need your help. Is this true love? Will he ever leave? We understand that this will hurt both of our families but what is a plan if there is such a thing that will help alleviate some of the pain?"

I am actually in the process of helping a woman in very similar circumstances. Here are my thoughts:

1. It is generally a bad idea to let your spouse know or found out about your adultery. I am not saying that you did it so on purpose, but, it just makes things difficult.
2. If you didn't know this, but, women genuinely fall in love while some men will say so that they have fallen in love merely to keep the relationship alive. I am not saying that this man does not love you, but clearly you love him more than he does. Maybe my definition of love is old-fashioned, but men have given up their crowns for love, fought battles, gave up everything they had, and this man is giving you the run around to divorce his wife. I mean, give me a break.
3. Men often feel a great sense of responsibility towards their families (not necessarily their wives). That makes it rather hard for them to leave their spouses because it breaks up the family.
4. Many coward men use manipulative techniques (like making you feel guilty, or sowing a doubt in your mind that if your love was deep enough for him he would have left already, or promising to hurt you if you left) to keep the women hooked to them and not ask for too much. I have heard from men who were doing this to more than one woman in different locations while they had a supposedly "happily married" wife at home.
5. Are you sure that he loves you or is it that you simply expect him to love you because you do?

The advice that I will give you is the same that I am giving to the other lady. Stop taking BS from him and ask him point-black, if he he will leave his wife or not in the next 30 days. If not, you have to right to terminate the relationship, get a restraining order against him, and notify the local police in his town so that he does not hurt others and/or himself. And there will be no compromises, no extensions, no time to think, and all the other hundreds of excuses and manipulative techniques he will come up with (I know way too many scoundrels like this who play with emotions of women as if they were playing a video game).

If he refuses to marry you and accept you as his wife right away, you should either separate from your husband (I am assuming that your marriage is totally broken by now) or beg forgiveness from him. With a strong commitment on your part and help from counselor, friends, family members, religious person, and others that you trust, you can work on loving your hubby again. I know it can be done because the other woman is doing exactly that. She did what I told you and her so-called "love of my life" completely backed off when she had an adult conversation with him. Her husband did not know about her affair (thankfully) so it is easy for her to save her marriage.

I strongly suspect that this man is simply using you and he has destroyed your marriage under the pretext of loving you, but without doing anything a real lover does.

I want to share the story from a reader who broke up with a married, older man. She writes, "It's not easy breaking up with a mature man. Such men are more confident and experienced and are relatively easy to talk to, and extremely friendly compared to men in my age group. He just said that he'll like us to be friends with no strings attached. He said that I can come see him any time and nothing will happen. I said no way. He suggested that we should meet at an eatery and talk things over. He continued to pressure me to call him if I ever wanted to and he'll not pressure me into doing anything that I did not want.

He praised my beauty and personality and how he has fallen for me due to my honesty. He kept on telling me how well we fit, how well we gel, and so on. He actually made me feel guilty, saying I am dumping him and that I owe him at least a few minutes to both sit down and talk things over, but I said NO. He said that he knows what is bothering me that it's because he is married and that I have a boyfriend. He said I should not worry since his wife is constantly traveling on business and can be gone for weeks at a time. I guess as much that he wants me to get used to the idea that I am no longer a virgin so henceforth there will be nothing stopping me again from actually having sexual intercourse with him, I do not want it this way. At least not with him."

Congratulations on being able to breakup successfully with him. What I would suggest is that from now on, you will promise me to not respond to this man if he wants to contact you again. He is a manipulator and sees you as naive and vulnerable due to your young age and lack of experience. What he is looking for is a sex partner since his wife is not with him. What will you gain at the end of this? He will go back to his wife and all he wants is someone to have sex with.

I want to emphasize that it is important for you NOT to have any more contact with him. This whole talk about being friends and no sex is just an excuse to maintain a relationship with you. It is OVER and any more contact means that you will not be able to move on.

Veronica writes, "I want to end an affair with a married man. Please tell me how do go about it? I have tried once but he gives all sorts of reasons why we should not end the relationship. Due to travel plans for both of us, we won't be seeing each other for two weeks, but I don't want to go back to the relationship. Please what do I do? The relationship is barely 2 months old. He is a nice person but I just don't feel it is not right to date a married man. Initially I was flattered that I have been approached by a married man which was why I gave in at first. I am wiser now but how to breakup is now the problem. Your advice is badly needed."

As I read your email, I am realizing that a part of you does not want to breakup with this man, and that is why you are having difficulty telling him to go away. So the first thing that you have to do is to tell your mind to stop listening to the heart. Convince yourself what you tell me. You have a boyfriend and it is not right for you to cheat on him if your relationship is otherwise good. Plus, relationship with a married man is generally one-sided (he can walk away any time to his wife and family and you would have lost many years finding a man who is not available, and thus, robbing you of the opportunity to develop a solid relationship with a single man). He gets all the benefits and unless you are getting expensive gifts, money, or awesome sex, you get nothing.

Based on above, the last thing he wants to do is to breakup with you. And if you sound tentative and hesitant, he will exploit. However, if you truly believe it and want to do it, you can breakup with him.

I know breaking up is not easy, and even more difficult if the other partner has done nothing wrong. Plus, looking into the eyes of the person and tell him to get lost is not easy to do. In such cases, the best thing to do is to breakup by email, considering that your relationship is just two months old. Write down a brief email telling him that you have a boyfriend and it is not right for you to cheat on him. You have realized your mistake and want to end the relationship immediately with him. If he has his things in your house, put them in a box and mail it to him. Tell him not to call you or show up at your house. DO NOT agree to meet to say goodbyes or talk about it. Now that you have decided to end the relationship, there is nothing to talk about. Maybe he will cry and beg, but trust me, he will be alright. He will either be happy with his wife or will find another girl like you.

Candice writes, "I'm 21 and my husband is 39. We married after just a few months of dating. Everything was good between us. Too good if you ask me. I'm young but I know the game. I suspect that he's cheating. I asked him a few times if he was cheating and he always reacts as if I didn't ask him a serious question. Then he responds with 'Why would I ever cheat on you?' I'm just saying to myself that he is lying. I sense all the signs. Even after we have been married, he has a box of condoms in his office bag. Why does he have condoms if we have never used them before? I see no reason to have condoms, and if there should be, they should in our bedroom. I started to monitor his bag. Condoms disappeared. From that point on I kept asking him if he was cheating and that last time he got so mad he punched a hole in the wall and he started crying and saying he'll never do anything to hurt our relationship and he's never lied or cheated on me. I still don't believe him. I smell his mustache when we kiss and it got that sex scent. I smell his underwear they have the smell of semen. I don't have any more proof than that but what else do I need. I can't leave/divorce him because he takes care of me and my kids and I still love him like no other. I just don't know what to do. I do know that I don't want to leave him. He had a friend that told me why should I be mad if he's cheating but at the same time he is taking care of me and my kids. I'm like I already married young and I don't want to be married to someone that cheats. I didn't marry him so he could cheat on me. Can you help?"

Yes, I am a little concerned too about the condom situation. As a married man myself who has sex without condoms with my wife, I haven't bought condoms in over 15 years. I am not so sure about the sex scent though (I don't think there is such a thing) that you talk about or his undies smelling of semen (did you actually see any semen stains?).

In other words, you don't have definite proof that he is cheating.

Now let me ask you this: is it possible that your man is bisexual? I know a lot of men have sex with guys and do not consider it cheating because they are doing it with a man and not a woman. I also don't like that friend of his telling you how cheating is OK if he is a good provider.

Also, do not say anything to him yet and also do not think about leaving him either. Life as a single mom can be very hard and you want to be financially strong first before you leave him. In other words, it is better to wait and build a safety net of money before deciding on divorce.

Rod writes, "My wife and I have been together for over 15 years and married 10 years. She seemed to be good wife but all of a sudden I found numerous phone calls from different guys. I noticed she didn't want to have sex with me as often as we used to; that's what prompted me to go through her phone bill. She cheated but will not admit it. She is trying to do better but the thing that is getting me is that she will not call me or converse with me much. Is she embarrassed and doesn't wanna talk or do you think she wanna leave me. She attends church every Sunday. We occasionally make love too."

When a woman is calling numerous men and is not having sex with her husband, something seriously wrong has happened to the relationship. In other words, it is not something that just happened overnight; things must have gone downhill for a while.

Merely calling men that you don't know is not definite proof that she has cheated. Of course it depends on what you define as cheating and personally I see no reason for my wife to call men that I don't know or she may be reluctant to introduce to me and invite home for dinner. Maybe she has been very lonely and is chatting with men to fill that gap.

She is obviously embarrassed and in any case, has had problems in her relationship with you. Now that her secret is out, she is in a very difficult spot.

She cannot admit her fault but she cannot act as if nothing has happened.

At this point, if you want to save this marriage, ask for help from a pastor, family member, marriage counselor, close friend, or anyone who both of you respect and who can act as a mediator. It will be nice to talk all your grievances out, figure out a way to resolve them, and try to move on.

While I don't always believe that regularly churchgoing means much, but if she is truly religious, she might not be thrilled by the idea of leaving you.

In the meantime, do not antagonize or ridicule her or make her feel terrible for what she did. Try to be understanding and patient. Hopefully, you two can work through this and save your marriage.

Anika writes, "My BF and have been together for 3 years. I think he may be cheating, not physically, but still. He still talks to his ex and doesn't see a problem with it. Some of the messages between them have been very suggestive. I'm afraid to confront him because I was sneaking through his phone but on the other hand he knows I don't like him talking to her and he has promised to stop. He did for a while but started up again. I just don't see why he needs to talk to her. I don't want to break up with him but I don't want to feel like I'm making him choose. I really love him and we are getting our own place. We have plans of marriage and kids but I just can't help but lay awake knowing that he rather talk to her and lie about than consider my feelings. On top of that I found a bunch of nasty text messages in the past from a different girl. I confronted him in a fight and he said it was him pretending because he knew I was going through his phone. I don't believe him but I let it go. He is very controlling and scares me. I let him get away with murder but don't want to leave him. I wake up at least 5 days a week and wishing I was with someone who deserved me. What should I do?"

Even though you say that you don't want to breakup and you love this man plus he is a controlling man, I will still say that you should seriously consider breaking up with him. Why? Your boyfriend is addicted to cheating with women and no matter what you do, he will always be messing around with other girls. And if you don't end the relationship and get married to him, you will never be in peace because every single day you will either need to keep an eye on him so that he is not messing around with another woman or lie awake wondering where he is.

A married woman cheats on her hubby and then wants to save her marriage because her married lover did not want to go beyond the fling. She is heartbroken and wants to reveal the secret to his wife to hurt their marriage. When she told me about her plan, I begged her not to do that. Thankfully, she realized her mistake, "I've decided not say anything because it wouldn't be fair to hurt them because of a mistake that we made."

Your focus should be on saving your marriage and if no other marriages are hurt in the process, that will be the best outcome.

And trust me, one can forget almost anything. I mean there are thousands of wonderful things that have happened to me (including relationships with very good women) but right now they are either just sweet memories or I have even forgotten many of the details that I thought will be with me for the rest of my life.

If you focus your mind on something else, it is amazing how life changes.

Katrina writes, ""I think that my husband has been cheating on me and it really worries me, so I really want to find out everything I can about him. How to go about it?"

The best approach is to be calm right now as you collect all the evidence of adultery before you confront him. That way you can make sure that there is no misunderstanding. Having solid evidence will not only help you discuss this with him and will also help your case during the divorce proceedings. However, you might also find out that you were totally wrong about your doubts.

You can try to collect the evidence yourself by keeping track of his whereabouts, collecting credit card statements, phone calls, and surfing history on the computer. You can also try to follow him and try to get photos of him with his lover. It is also not a bad idea to seek the help of a private investigator.

Also it is not a bad idea to think why he may be cheating. Is it because he is simply a bad man or is it that he is not getting enough sex from you or something else has gone wrong in your marriage.

Anne writes, "My husband works with a female and they talk all the time. One day we ran into her at a public place, he went to speak to her and she would not speak back. I was with him and this was the first time I would have met her. She acted as though she didn't know him. This sparked something in me. I asked my husband what's was going on. He claims he didn't know. I told him if she couldn't speak to you in front of me then he shouldn't be talking to her anymore. However they still speak all the time. I checked the phone records and confronted him. He swears they are just friends. I believe this is total disrespect to me and that she keeps him as a friend despite her disrespect to me. He says I'm overreacting. I know I'm not but what is your opinion about husbands with female friends?"

As a married man my rule of thumb is that all females and couples friends should socialize with my wife in all cases; if they do not want my wife, I have no need for their friendship because I offer the same (the only exceptions are group settings that may include my male buddies, and obviously, all business/professional meetings).

In other words, if your husband is reluctant or embarrassed to hang out with her in your presence, something is not right.

Having said that, if your relationship is otherwise great and you have no other complaints with him or your marriage, you can give him some freedom to have personal friends. Maybe there is something special about her that fulfills a part of his life, maybe he enjoys her company for some special reason; the reality is that you cannot stop him from talking to her and if you desperately tried to do so, you will only create a lot of bitterness in your marriage. He might just resent you a lot for this. Unless he has stopped loving you and has abandoned you for the sake of this girl, it might very well be a harmless friendship that you might be making a big deal about. I have had female friends from my single days, and they are so dear to me, and my wife is fine with that as long as I am a great husband otherwise.

Misty writes, "I met this guy in chat room about a year ago. The first time we chatted we exchanged basic info. He told me that he was married with kids and I told him that I was married too. We were both cool with that. We continued chatting and emailing each other on a daily basis and we were starting to really like each other. Then we finally decided to meet for the first time and everything was ok. In the weeks to come we chatted more and more. Then we started seeing each other more and more. It would be a short conversation after work once or twice a week. Then it was a small kiss when we would leave each other, nothing more than that. So a few months after seeing each other we decided to take our relationship to another level. We had sex about 4 months after us meeting and talking everyday. After that things were great. Then as time went on we started acting like a real couple; he would snap at me and I would snap at him and at the end of the day things would be back to normal. There were a few times that he would really hurt my feelings but I was so in love him I would ignore some of the things he did and said. Then one day out of the blue he told me that he loved me for the first time. I was so shocked; I didn't know what to say or how to react to it. When he said that I didn't say anything back because I wanted to keep some distance between us just in case we needed to walk away from each other since we were both married. As time went on we continued to have great conversation and great sex; it was like the perfect friendship. Then we finally came up with a plan to stay a night together which was the best night of my life. Even better than my honeymoon. And after that I finally decided to tell him that I was in love with him too. Only for him to tell me that he already knew; he was just waiting on me to say it. Then all of a sudden things started to change with us; we were talking less and sex was completely out of the question. It was like he didn't want to see me at all. I couldn't figure out why and he wouldn't talk to me. Then he told me one day that he was leaving the state because he had a job offer. That completely crushed me. As the time was coming for him to leave, we talked less and less. Those few weeks before he left I cried every night. I was trying so hard to keep my feelings under control so my husband wouldn't notice anything and that was the hardest thing for me to do. Then he finally left and I thought it would just end with me having a heartbreak but it didn't. I was preparing myself to deal with it and move on thinking we wouldn't talk again. So a few days after him leaving went by I cried because I'm in love with him but I was dealing with it. Then all of a sudden I get a text message from him saying that he loves me. Now I don't know what to think. He's been gone about 5 months now and whenever I think I'm not going to hear from him I get a message or email from him. I guess he is still thinking about me as much as I'm still thinking about him. I would call him and tell him that I love him and miss him but he don't really reply like he is hiding something. I honestly feel that something is there between us and we are just too afraid to act on it. I am so in love with him. I've never felt this way before and I am married. It's the chemistry we have when we are together. That's the reason I'm not giving up on this. Maybe I'm just crazy or maybe I'm seeing this wrong but my heart is telling me something different. What would you do if you were in love with a married man and you are married?"

I hope you realize that it is not easy dating a married person, and even more complicated for a married person to do so. It is not uncommon for married people to put their spouses first even if they wish otherwise.

That is exactly the situation for you two. He sure has problems in his marriage (apparently, so do you) and is struggling with the choice between his wife and you. He may love you but wants to stay in his marriage for, most likely, the sake of his kids. The reason he is not so forthcoming in his affection for you is that he thinks that the more he shares his feelings with you the more painful it will be for both of you.

Obviously, this is based on the assumption that you know all the facts, but as you suspect that he is hiding something, in that case, for all we know, he could have multiple lovers like you or not be married at all and just likes to play around with a lot of women so that he never has to marry any one of them but keeps all of them hooked by giving them signs of hope once in a while.

In my opinion, if I am married, and even if my marriage is perfect but I still fall in love with another married woman, I should leave my marriage and so should my lover. It is not fair for my wife to be married to a man who is not in love with her. And if my married lover is not willing to leave everything for me, then it is not love; it is just a relationship of convenience -- she is merely using me for her emotional needs.

In conclusion, I am not very hopeful that your relationship with this man has a future considering the facts of this case. If your current marriage has problems, it is best to work to resolve them, and if they are unresolvable, then there is no need to be miserable -- get a divorce. And as far as this guy is concerned, you have to finally tell him that either you end the relationship (and stop playing with your emotions) or he better leave his wife for you. I think he wants to have it both ways and right now he is the winner and you the loser.

Loretta writes, "My fiance is and has cheated on me. I asked him recently and he said no but I have seen texts to other women and I have seen pictures with other women several years ago when we were in a relationship but he still denies that he has cheated and he wants to know what I known to accuse him of this. I will not tell him what I know. He has been trying to see me since I told him over the phone that he has cheated on me but I will not see him. So tonight he told me to call him when I want to see him. This is how I feel if he does not admit he cheated. I do not want anything to do with him. What do you think of what I am doing? Should I do something different? I have been with this guy for 15 years. He is my only adult boyfriend. I want to get married before I get too old."

I am so sorry to hear that you are stuck with a man for so long who is addicted to cheating.

At this time you have some decisions to make. This man appears to be not reliable. So even if you give him on last chance, he might still go back to cheating. And you know very well that it is easy to breakup but so much more complicated to get a divorce.

I would suggest that you sit down with him and have another person (a family member or friend that you both respect) join you. Show him the evidence that you have and ask him what his response is. Maybe he has an explanation! If not, it maybe time to just say goodbye to him and move on. I am sure that you can find another man that will love only you and no one else.

Erica, yet another woman in a sexless marriage, writes, "My husband has not made love to me in years. He has erectile dysfunction. I've tried to talk to him about it and get some help. The doctor gave him a device to use. His ego won't let him use it, I guess. So I have been very hot for a good while. Now I have been thinking about getting with someone else. I want to stay with my husband and I love him but I feel things and have needs. What is your thought?"

I have seen this problem in hundreds of emails that I have received from women. Men who simply refuse to accept that a health problem can be corrected and no one would doubt their manhood just because they need and use medical help.

I totally understand how you feel, and in my opinion, you have a right to satisfy your needs. Feeling sexual desire is as normal as the way you feel hungry or thirsty or tired.

There are two ways to go about it. Talk to your husband and agree on an arrangement (I doubt if this is possible in your case) in which you can have sex with someone else and he should not ask any questions. You will have a right to privacy about this issue.

A more practical solution for your specific situation is to just keep it a secret. The key is to be upfront about this to the man (or men) that you might have as your lovers and also seek his cooperation so that he does not blackmail you, and helps you keep it a secret. Online dating websites are best for this.

So it turns out that more of us are cheating and the Internet and other communication technologies are helping us. National Science Foundation and University of Chicago have found that infidelity is rising among older men and young couples.

The other very interesting part is that women are now cheating more often. The data from the research shows that about 10% of married people — 12 percent of men and 7 percent of women — say they are sleeping with someone they are not married to.

I think adultery is not necessarily unhealthy for a relationship if it is done to get what is not available in your relationship (Related: When is adultery acceptable?). Rather than suffer and get depressed, it may be perfectly alright to get it some place else.

Let us say that you enjoy certain type of bedroom adventure and your spouse does not want to participate. Guess what? It is perfectly fine to try it with someone else. Most people who have written to me after taking this approach have found that it only strengthened their marriage and they found that they were happier overall. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith seem to have a very open relationship because they can talk about these things.

How to approach a woman already in a relationship but sends right signals

It is not easy to ask a woman to dump her boyfriend or expect a married woman to get a divorce even though she is clearly interested in a relationship with you. While you may lose an opportunity, you may also end up making a fool of yourself.

Paul has a similar dilemma. He says, "I have this girl here at my college. She is in a long distance relationship. However, she has flirted with me often and even stated that she has feelings for me and has thought of me when she was alone. She even text-messaged me saying she couldn't sleep because she was thinking about me. We get along very well and even sat down and talked and laughed for about four hours because we lost track of time. I like her personality because she is so outgoing and I must admit she isn't bad on the the eyes either. She has stated that she likes my personality as well. She likes her current boyfriend, of course, and I am not the type to make her cheat or breakup. I respect her and her dating choices, but I can tell she feels something for me as well. I don't know if I should make a move and convince her I could be better than the man she is with. I also don't know if I am just a fall-back guy because her boyfriend lives so far away. I just don't know and don't have enough insight on women to make a decision. I like her and she stated she likes me as well. I ask you Should I make a move? And if yes, then should it be straightforward or more passive? I would really appreciate your input."

My question is What did you do/say to her when she said/did all these things. Is it a possibility that you did not reciprocate her declaration of feelings for you? If so, she may be wondering that you do not like her enough yet and that is why the relationship has not gone anywhere.

Please do let her know that you feel about her the way she feels about you. You can do that by either telling her in person or writing it down in a card or by starting to flirt back with her. I would say that at this stage it is best that you do not "make a move" as such but reassure her that the passionate feelings are mutual and you are as much into her as she is into you. At that point she may be able to make up her mind but there is a possibility that she likes the other guy even more and is simply entertaining herself by flirting with you - you just need to be prepared for this reality and the resulting disappointment.