Alice writes, "Please tell me where I can get help for my boyfriend. He does not believe he has a problem but he thinks I am supposed to only have him as a friend. He has been married before. He and I were dating while he was going through the divorce."

Based on what you are telling me it seems that he is suffering from "commitment phobia." It is a problem with many men these days, but particularly acute among divorced men. Obviously because they have been divorced they lose some faith in the institution of marriage, but I don't count it as a valid excuse. If a man does not want to commit and only wants to be friends, he should be upfront about it rather than mislead a woman.

I have written extensively on this topic. Try a search here for terms like "commitment phobia" and "commitment phobic" on the page below and read more about dozens of women who have written to me about this issue.

Obviously you can try talking to him and also see if you can go to relationship therapy with someone who works with married couples.

After having a series of relationships with men who did not know how to treat a woman right, Mandy found a boyfriend, but with a problem: dating but no commitment to marry. "He was once married and has three kids. He also had an affair with a another woman (while married and that is what led to divorce) and has a baby from this woman. But when I met him that was no problem because before all the guys I met were jerks. The problem is now we are in to each other so much, and we are happy that we are together but he is afraid that if our relationship went further then we have to get married but he is afraid that things my not work out and lead to divorce again. For me he is the only guy who has ever treated me well and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. What can I do? What can I say to show though that not all women are like his previous relationships and we can be married forever?" she asks.

I understand your situation and that is why I think that this is not the best man for you. Why? Yes, he may be a nice guy but he has a lot of baggage with him. Four kids from two women? Yes, he will be too busy paying child support that he will not have time for you or money to pay for his children with you.

Plus, men who have gone through divorces and breakups often become cynical about relationships in general and that is what you are seeing with him.

I can understand why you are attracted to him because he is the first man that has treated you like a lady but I also know that there are other good men out there that are gentlemen but have no baggage.

I don't think you should breakup with him right away but it is a bad idea to dream of a wedding with him.

Dating after divorce should be slow

Natalie is a single mom with two children in elementary school. She is separated from her husband of 11 years and has decided to seek a divorce. "Only recently I decided to date (check out our free dating website) and found a wonderful man. It was love at first sight. He was also separated, and like me, wanted to divorce his wife too, but they were still living in the same house. After dating for two months, he told me that he needs his space and time to figure out what he really wants. What should I do? I am giving him his space he asked for and he has told me that we did not breakup and that he just needs his space and time. How should I handle this development?" she asks.

Dating after divorce is somewhat complicated for both men and women and even more so when the divorce is not yet final. Both men and women completely change their thinking about relationships and marriage after divorce because they start looking at whole live very differently. In some ways, it is a good thing because they can now think before they act. And that is exactly what he is doing.

My advice to you would be to leave him alone for the time being by not pressuring him to go out on dates. It doesn't hurt, though, to occasionally email him politely to check up on him and share how you and kids are doing. If you push hard at this point, it will be frustrating for both of you.

You should also tell him that you would like to give him whatever number of days you feel comfortable with, say, 30 or 60 days, to come up with his plan forward. In the meantime, you should tell him that both of you are free to see other people. Imagine that he comes back to you 2 months later and tells you that after all he does not want a relationship with you. You would have wasted all this time particularly if you end up meeting someone nice. You can tell him that you are not breaking up with him either; you just want to keep your options open. It wouldn't be fair for him to expect that you will just wait for him even when he does not want to commit anything at all.