Donna writes, "I am 53 and had been dating a great 58 year-old man for several years. We are both divorced. I don’t have children; he has three grown children. He is a surgeon; I am a professional woman, financially independent. We are very happy with each other and very compatible in every aspect except one thing: I want to get married or at least live together; he says he does not want to live with anyone, he will feel tied down. We spend weekend together and some times see each other once during the week. I read a lot of articles about commitment phobia but did not see the symptoms on him. I have met all his relatives, went to his son’s graduation party held by his ex wife. We do things together with his children when they are back. He took me to his home town to see his folks, showed me the house he grew up, and visited his parent’s graves. I though some day he will make the commitment. Now after 5 years dating and many talks I start to think he will never commit. I love him dearly and deeply and hoped he will change. Last Saturday I brought up again the topic of living together. He said living together was like a marriage without paper that he did not want to do. He said he did not like the Winter here and might move away after he retire from his partnership next year. He then changed and said he might get some temporary assignment (such as Doctors in Need) to work a few months in warm places in the Winter. I feel I am already dealing with the situation that I am alone a lot during the week plus some weekends when he is out of town in meetings. It sounds like he is making plans without me and there will be more lonely time ahead of me. So I told him I am moving on with my life. He asked me to give him some time to think about it. I said “You can take as long as you want; it’s irrelevant now because I am moving on.” I then packed my belongings in his place and left. Since then, I am going back forth about if I did the right thing. Did I screw up? What is the long term outlook for couples who don’t live together? What happens when they get old, sick?

Is he afraid of commitment?

No I am not sure that he is commitment phobic; otherwise he wouldn't do any of the things that you list and still be with you in a loving relationship for years.

The main problem is that there is a huge gap between the two of you regarding the expectations from the relationship. And it does not surprise me because I hear from dozens of men and women weekly who just do not want to get married after their divorces. As you know it, divorce is most often a very painful and life changing process and it leaves scars that never go away. This man has simply decided that marriage is not for him. I only wish that he was clear about this when you two started dating, though, I must say that women often tend to ignore when men mention their reluctance to get married hoping that their love will change their opinion.

Breakup with a commitment phobe?

If you were as happy as you say you were and this man is as good as you say, I would say that you should have just compromised with the arrangement, because I really don't think that you want his money if you two were to divorce or after his death (you say that you are financially independent). In my opinion, marriage is merely a financial arrangement because I know wonderful couples without being married and miserable couples in traditional marriages. There is no guarantee that a marriage will make one monogamous because I hear all the time from married men and women who cheat and also hear from unmarried couples who are truly committed to each other.

Good men like him at this time are nearly impossible to find and you might regret it later. Regarding leaving him, I think you have already done it and there is no reason to analyze it, but there is always something to learn from each experience in life. From this, the message is that it is better to lay it all out very early on in a relationship so that there is no frustration later on. I recognize that it is not always easy and possible but it can help in many ways.

Having said this, if marriage is what you really want, and more than a relationship with a wonderful man, then, it was best to leave him. I have no hope that he will change and if you kept waiting you were losing precious time in finding a man who will marry you.

Living together without marriage

Regarding long-term living before marriage, there is more data available since it has been studied by many groups and it seems that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce.

I am not aware of any data on couples that simply live together because they do not believe in traditional marriage (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example). The Census Bureau does not collect any data on such couples and there is no legal trail of their relationships, no one really knows how they turn out. Since our society values marriage so much, couples without marriage face a lot of challenges with regards to health insurance, inheritance, visitation rights, etc.

Don't dwell too much on your decision. It is in line with your goals and vision for the future -- he did not fit in it. Some men are great individuals and even lovers, but just not husband-material. It is best to have them simply as friends.

Sheryl writes, "I am 27 year old single woman. I made the mistake of rushing into a relationship with someone I met and liked very much at first but was completely wrong for me. I stayed single for so long before that to evaluate myself and my behaviors and not make mistakes like I had made in this past, and this time around I really learned a lot and don't plan on ever rushing into any relationship again. I realize a lot of what I should have seen from the start with my little 6 month fling with this person. The fact is that he is very immature (whereas I am not) spends money in ridiculous ways (whereas I don't), has a very unhealthy relationship with his family (where my bonds with family are strong and healthy) and the many psychological and emotional issues he displayed -- like telling me a month after we started dating that he had had numerous unprotected sexual encounters (resulting in myself running to my local health department!! I was fine thank goodness!!) and the final straw is when I caught him snooping through my mail, computer and my email. That's when I ended it all and told him to find someone else. I said I would be his friend but not his girlfriend. My question is can I actually have a friendship with this person who can't accept my decisions and keeps displaying unhealthy choices in his life? Should I end the friendship for the betterment of myself?"

Friendship with an ex is a distraction

You are a smart and intelligent woman born to do great things and in order to do those, you need people who will support your mission rather than distract and drag you down.

Regarding this ex-boyfriend of yours, I am glad that you realized your mistake. However, I do not believe in friendships with exes, unless you have children together (or in very rare circumstances if you have had a relationships for many years). Since that is not the case with you and you broke up with him not because of philosophical differences, but basically because he is a "loser," just tell him to go away. You have better things to do in your life and he will be a distraction. Plus, he may hinder your prospects of meeting another nice man.

Rod writes, "My wife and I have been together for over 15 years and married 10 years. She seemed to be good wife but all of a sudden I found numerous phone calls from different guys. I noticed she didn't want to have sex with me as often as we used to; that's what prompted me to go through her phone bill. She cheated but will not admit it. She is trying to do better but the thing that is getting me is that she will not call me or converse with me much. Is she embarrassed and doesn't wanna talk or do you think she wanna leave me. She attends church every Sunday. We occasionally make love too."

When a woman is calling numerous men and is not having sex with her husband, something seriously wrong has happened to the relationship. In other words, it is not something that just happened overnight; things must have gone downhill for a while.

Merely calling men that you don't know is not definite proof that she has cheated. Of course it depends on what you define as cheating and personally I see no reason for my wife to call men that I don't know or she may be reluctant to introduce to me and invite home for dinner. Maybe she has been very lonely and is chatting with men to fill that gap.

She is obviously embarrassed and in any case, has had problems in her relationship with you. Now that her secret is out, she is in a very difficult spot.

She cannot admit her fault but she cannot act as if nothing has happened.

At this point, if you want to save this marriage, ask for help from a pastor, family member, marriage counselor, close friend, or anyone who both of you respect and who can act as a mediator. It will be nice to talk all your grievances out, figure out a way to resolve them, and try to move on.

While I don't always believe that regularly churchgoing means much, but if she is truly religious, she might not be thrilled by the idea of leaving you.

In the meantime, do not antagonize or ridicule her or make her feel terrible for what she did. Try to be understanding and patient. Hopefully, you two can work through this and save your marriage.

Rachel writes, "I've been with my man for almost 4 years and one year out of the four we have lived together. When we moved in together we went through a lot of rough patches, then we resolved them, but now that I'm a manager of my own department at my job he has been real picky about the time I spend at work and then with him. He is gone most of the day and I don't get to see him, but now when I get a chance to spend time with him he doesn't want to leave the house until later at night claiming that he has spent enough time with me and now it's time for his friends. I don't pick on him for staying at home; I just don't want him to be ashamed of me. Is it me?"

The way I see it is that a man who spends time with his friends without his partner is ignoring her. I think there is time for guys to hang out together occasionally or to do things that might not interest some women, like going ice fishing or playing certain sports, but in general, any man in a committed relationship should try to include his partner in almost everything.

That is how I do it and I always encourage my guy friends to bring their partners or even friends (if they are single) so that my wife does not feel excluded. For example, even when I go out with my buddies to do things that my wife has no interest in, once a bunch of spouses get together they can always go shopping in the area but then join us for a meal.

Kristin writes, "I'm only shy when it comes to making love. What I am trying to say is that professionally or in public settings, I am not shy. But I never initiate sex and I don't engage in it. Like, I don't make noise and I rarely kiss my husband during sex. I'm crying as I type because I know I have a serious problem and I know I'm frustrating my husband and eventually will hurt my marriage. I want to be freaky and enjoy my husband but I don't. Before my marriage, I was the same way with guys especially because I knew that it wasn't a commitment. Now that I'm committed, it's now hurting me. Not sure if it stems from me not seeing my father show affection with my mother or what, but I would think that I would better be good at this. When we do have sex now it just 'wham bam thank you Ma'm." He's frustrated, I know. That's why I'm having this problem. I also feel now that if I try to change he isn't gonna appreciate it. Just yesterday we talked and he told me that I don't excite him anymore. I need help."

I am so sorry to hear that you were crying while writing this and when you wrote above that "Just yesterday we talked and he told me that I don't excite him anymore" your problem is serious enough. Generally that is a very strong sign that a man is frustrated and is either likely to cheat or stop loving you or even ask for a divorce. And trust me, as a man I can tell you that love is important but sex is definitely #1 for any man.

And I think your current behavior it may have little do with your upbringing. My father died when I was a little boy and my mother did not have a relationship after that but I grew up to be a normal man with healthy sexual appetite.

The good news is that the way you can learn to drive a car or cook a new dish or learn to speak Chinese, you can learn how to enjoy sex too. Like anything else, all it requires is an inquisitive mind, patience, and hard work.

Now do not expect to become a sex goddess overnight but the way you have learned everything else in life, you can learn how to do this too well by taking one step at a time.

Courtney writes, "I'm realizing that I'm not ready to commit until I've developed a solid friendship with a man. But even though I'm being smart about dating, I guess I'm a little worried about my chances. My standards are high and I'm not going to settle, and with that realization, I'm wondering...does that man exist?"

You appear to be a strong woman and need a man who can appreciate your strengths. I know it is hard to find that perfect partner but I am a big optimist. Obviously, I am guessing that you realize that you will need to make some compromises but it still makes sense to stay firm on others that are absolutely critical to you.

I tell my readers to actually write down what is non-negotiable (e.g. education or intellect or accepting your child, etc.) and what are they willing to compromise on (e.g. height, weight, looks, etc.).

So with that being said, you will find someone that is pretty close to what you are looking for. It is only when we write things down and think about them do we realize that what seemed like a MUST (e.g. degree from Harvard) might appear inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

Simon writes, "I am about to start dating a Japanese woman, and well I have to say I have a healthy libido so to speak. One of the reasons I am writing to you is I don't want to frighten off the lady when it comes to the physical aspect of the relationship. She is slightly older than I am. I would say I am quite a dominant person but can play the other role if needed. The main thing is I again don't want to scare her off and I want to attend to her needs as well. I know there is a bit of a cultural difference, I know how to speak the language so I can respond in that way but any other advice would be helpful. There's just that little bit of fear with the unknown there for me."

I think your fears are well founded but what I am realizing is that you might have these issues with any woman, not just a Japanese.

My experience with Japanese women and the discussions I have had with hundreds of men over the years on this topic tell me that Japanese women try very hard to please and will do things that other women might say no to. So there is a possibility that you might not even realize when you are pushing her too hard.

So I would say that you should start slowly and take one step at a time. I don't think you want to do everything in your head the very first time unless she strongly signals to you that that is what she also wants. Making love has to a process in which both partners learn more about each other little by little.

Lucy writes, "I have trouble sexually expressing myself. I am very shy and I am not affectionate. I hardly do anything in bed and now it's to the point that my husband just has sex to satisfy himself. Please help."

A lot of people do not realize it, but our society teaches us everything all the way from Math to language to driving to using a fork and knife, but no one sits down with you to teach you to how to make love, one of the most important reasons for our very existence.

On the contrary, many parents and religious leaders do not tire of telling us that sex is bad, sinful, and why not to do it. While many of us pick it up through trial and error or by watching others do it, many just don't have the means to learn it from books and videos.

In other words, it is OK not to know what you don't and it isn't your fault. What is important is that you have recognized what you don't know and it is great that you want to do something to fix the situation.

I know you have written very little and the subject is too complex to respond based on what you have written (I advise you to write in detail about what you know, what you don't, and how is your intimate life right now), but I will give you some initial advice.

How to sexually express yourself?

Before you can express yourself, you have to know yourself and your body. To know yourself, think of what turns you on. You can know this by thinking about your feelings while watching television, the type of movies that turned you on, or the pictures that make you full of desire. Some women get turned on by muscular men, others like cute, playful men, while others may want something entirely different. Try to know what you like because that will help you create the right setting for making love.

How to conquer shyness?

It is a slow process but it can be done. Try to open up to your close family members and friends. You can even join websites and forums and share yourself anonymously. It will make your shyness go away over a period of time. Shyness is merely our fear of expressing ourselves; once we get the self confidence, we can also be more natural in front of others.

How to be affectionate?

I think everyone is affectionate; I have read that even criminals are affectionate towards their loved ones. What you are lacking right now is the ability to show affection due to your being shy and having trouble expressing yourself. As you become more confident about your needs, you will also feel more confident being affectionate.

How to be active in bed?

Without knowing much, I am guessing that you simply lie down and let your partner do all the work. I think a good starting point to get active is to do more of what feels good. For example, if a particularly position or angle gives you more pleasure, make sure that you position your body the right way to enjoy this longer.

Also don't hesitate to do whatever else you feel like doing. As an example, if kissing is your thing, then kiss your husband while you make love. Eventually, I would like you to reach a point that you will tell your husband what to do and how to do it to please you.

That is why I would suggest that you also explore your body. It is wrong to think that all women are the same and there is only one way for women to feel pleasure. Many women do not orgasm during intercourse but will orgasm through kissing. Others enjoy cuddling while some like aggressive sex or even roleplay. So learn more about your body by looking at it and touching it in every possible way to find out what pleases you.

Margaret writes, "What or is there a danger in masturbating to the point of losing the desires for another or not being able to have an intimate relationship with someone else?"

All scientific evidence indicates that masturbation is good for health both physically and emotionally, though, I am assuming that you are not doing it excessively (say, dozens of times daily, in which case you can get seriously ill or even die). Actually, many couples in perfectly healthy relationship engage in some form of self pleasure. It is a great way to please oneself or the other or both at the same time. Many couples find that it enhances their sex life because it helps them understand each other's bodies better.

When my partner is pleasing me, I enjoy it because at that time she is focused on me and I can focus on my own pleasure rather than worrying pleasing her, as I tend to do during lovemaking. Having said that, I still adore penetration, which gives me even more pleasure.

If you feel that you are having difficulty connecting with men emotionally or otherwise, it may have nothing to do with your desire for self pleasure more often; you may simply be shy or introverted, for example.

Despite all the progress made, it appears that men and women do not have equal rights in a relationship.

I recently came across some hilarious pictures of how women are treated by their husbands in different cultures.

On this page, starting from the top, we have couples from Serbia, Poland, Ireland, Greece, UK, and USA.

I have heard from hundreds of people who have written to say that arranged marriage has worked for them. Of course, any marriage can fail but one of the biggest advantages of a marriage based on love is that you get to know the person before you commit to being married to her or him for the rest of your life. While people change over time, at least you get to know the major attributes of one's personality.

Since this is not possible in an arranged marriage, one of the readers of my blog, Jayson, has gotten into a lot of trouble with his . "During 10 years of our marriage, I have never been able to be fully physically intimate with my wife. She simply does not like sex and thinks that it is something dirty. She not only has no interest in romance with me, she even refuses to try. Basically once in a while we talk but from a distance. She doesn't like me touching her at all. Since she does not even want to see me without clothes, we have never really seen each other. I would be so happy to have a normal wife that I can love and please, while she does the same to me. I cannot even share this information with anybody and that is why for 10 years I have been quietly suffering. What can I do? I am ready to do anything to help her change her personality and just be a normal woman," he writes.

The bad news is that your wife is very sick (please consult a doctor since I am not one) and it will take years of therapy for her to cure. I would, therefore, strongly suggest that you get a divorce and move on with your life. If you have kids, fight for custody, so that her illness does not destroy the life of your children.

There are several possibilities why this might have happened. Maybe she is a lesbian. There is also a possibility that she has been raped and sexually abused as a child. Such trauma can do lifelong damage to one's personality.

She will need to consult with an experienced psychiatrist experienced in such issues. Therapy can take a lot of time and it is very unlikely that she will ever be a "normal" person. Her problems are so deep that there is little that you can do without professional help.

I like to believe that we should be romantic to our partners every day. And definitely there is no excuse for being mean the rest of the year and then making up for it on Valentine's Day or wedding anniversary.

In any case, having a great Valentine's Day is one of telling your partner how much you care. And despite all the advertising that women will be happy only if they receive a diamond or lingerie or chocolate, the reality is that any woman is smart enough to figure out the thought.

Watch this great video from Colin Cowie on how to organize a great Valentine's Day meal.

My sister-in-law got a divorce. While I had a great relationship with her ex-husband (as far as I was concerned, he was a great guy), when the process moved forward, I had no choice but to be on the side of sister-in-law. I had to stop all communication with him because having even a casual acquaintance with him would have hurt my sister-in-law. A few years later they have a horrible relationship and often face problems while raising their 3 daughters. Sometimes I just wonder if I could pick up the phone or have a beer with her ex and help him better deal with the problems that they have because they do not even look at each other any more (they only communicate through their children). Here is a great video of Jill Brooke and Julie Chen that talks about divorce and relationships without choosing sides.

By attending a mass divorce fair. Like the mass weddings often organized by religious or social groups, this event will enable couples having problems in their marriage to seek counseling, get a painless divorce, learn to move on after a divorce, and deal with issues like personal finance, child support, and singles vacations. Austria has the same rate of divorce as the United States.

Did you know that having problems in your relationship could hurt your health to much that you could die from it. Latest research published in the Archives of Internal Medicine finds that "negative close relationships" boosted the risk of coronary events by a third.

"Previous research in this area focused more on philosophy," said Robert De Vogli, a lecturer in social epidemiology at University College London. "It was assumed that if you were married, you were more likely to be healthy. It was well established that social relationships are important for health."

This finding means that if you are in a relationship (if you are single try our free dating website) that is not going so well, you can do one of the two things: Fix it by seeking help from marriage counselors, family members, and friends, or simply end it. There is absolutely no reason to drag it and be miserable. I know many couples do it for the sake of children or due to financial considerations, but this finding shows that you would be better off either fixing it once and for all by making compromises and resolving conflicts or getting a divorce.

I have found in my research while talking to hundreds of people, including couples, is that if you simply talk about it, problems can be resolved. So when your partner comes to you and says, "Honey, we need to talk," pay attention, then absorb the information, and finally share your thoughts. It is also good to respond later rather than right away so that you have had time to think about it. In other words, literally, communication can do wonders to a relationship. Watch this video interview with Kate White, editor of Cosmopolitan magazine, in which she lays out the rules for communication for couples.

To keep a relationship passionate, a couple must spend quality time together, and as they say about reaching a man's heart through his stomach, food is important. But as everyone will agree with me, by the time you end up cooking a gourmet meal at home, half the passion is gone. Of course you can eat at a restaurant but what if that restaurant was designed exclusively for couples and every dish had an aphrodisiac in it?

That is exactly what the Aphrodisiac restaurant does (or you can buy oysters fed with Viagra). The couple sits on a table that reminds them of a luxurious bed and then the fun begins. Strongly recommended when you are in Los Angeles (10351 Santa Monica Blvd; phone number 310-282-8870). Here is a video.

Many couples find that they don't spend enough time together (or as a family if you have children) and if you choose to spend whatever time you have at home, you might end up watching television or surfing the Net or fixing things around the house. That is why in order to keep your relationship strong, do something that "forces" you to be together. So to all the other activities for couples, you can add one more: geocaching. It is new for me and only recently I have tried it out with my wife, and if you want to find out what it is, watch this video.

Courtney is a 52 year old woman and this is what she wrote to me today. "I agree with you on the subject of an older woman being with a younger man. Many people don't accept that this is a viable option. I myself resisted the temptation for some time before succumbing to the affections of a man 23 years my junior. I wound up marrying him and the problems that surfaced in our marriage were not due to our large age gap. His family members were more judgmental than mine about the age difference. After 6 years of being together, he divorced me and went back to his ex, who is only about 4 years younger than myself. I have been alone for nearly a year and have not found a man thus far that suits me. Age is a number. This is what I want men and women out there to understand," she says.

I think Courtney's case clearly proves that if a couple is compatible otherwise, age is merely a number. And if they are otherwise incompatible, being of the same age can actually be a problem sometimes - a mature partner can handle the situation better.

If you are a man, you are probably tired of your woman asking you for all those hugs. And if you are a woman, your number one complaint maybe that your man does not hug you enough, is reluctant to cuddle, and acts so cold.

Well, it turns out that there are so many benefits of physical contact between a couple. Forget about the benefits of a warm hug, just holding one's husband's hand can do wonders for a woman.

A study by Dr. James Coan, a University of Virginia neuroscientist, has found that married women under stress show signs of immediate relief when they hold their husband's hand, with this clearly seen on their brain scans.

So guys, stop complaining and hold that hand. While no research has been done on men yet, I am convinced you might be benefiting too.

Moms without wedlock increase in numbers

According to latest statistics, out-of-wedlock births in the United States have climbed to an all-time high, with 40% of the newborns, mostly among women in their twenties - so it is not due to teenage pregnancy.

Why is this happening?

Well, more couples are choosing to live together before marriage. Others, afraid of a divorce, are simply choosing not to have a legal marriage (these couples often live like married couples in other ways, for example, by managing their finances jointly). And of course, women who do not want to get married for the heck of it but would still like to be moms, become pregnant with the help of a donor so that they are still in control of their biological clock.

What does it mean?

Be ready to see more of such kids. Also do not make a fool of yourself by asking a mother about the child's father or her husband - they are gradually becoming archaic concepts.