Carol writes, "My story is a long one, I'm not sure what I should do. I've been married for almost 4 years. He's been working out of the country for about three and a half with visits home every 2 or 3 months for approximately 2 weeks at a time. I moved into his house, in a different town, with my 2 children in Dec. 2005. He left for his overseas job in March 2006. The first year he was gone, I did nothing. I'd want to go out; he'd say, "Wait until I get home and I'll take you." I'd mention wanting to drink a glass of wine and he'd say, "Wait until I get home I'll drink one with you." My kids were gone with their dad every other weekend. Those weekends alone I wouldn't go anywhere or do anything. I was getting depressed, angry, lonely and resentful. I had to call him at certain times of the day, if I was out with my cell phone I'd have to call him back when I got home (on the house phone). I ended up on anti-depressants. I started going out and not telling him. Seeing old friends and eventually having affairs. I was in school full time and couldn't afford to leave. My goal was to graduate, get a job and file for divorce. I graduated in May, haven't found a job and told him last week when he was here what my plan was all along (to leave after finding a job). He was hurt, but the next day he acted like nothing was wrong. We get along most of the time, I'm comfortable around him, but I'm not sexually attracted to him. I haven't been with another man for over a year (therapist's idea). I'm not sure that I even love him. I know I care about him, but I want to feel more, I want to feel like I love someone. Is this normal? I feel like he's very insecure. Constantly monitoring me when I'm on the computer, or if I get a text message. He needs to know what's going on at all times. He wants me to show him more attention and I just can't fake it anymore. I hate having sex with him, I even hate kissing him. For the first 3 years I'd tell my mom about how I felt and she'd just tell me to tell him what he wants to hear. I don't know what to do now. I hate to hurt him but I feel like I'm dying inside. I'm 38, very well taken care of, but really not happy at all."

Why should you leave a marriage without joy?

The way you feel is very natural. For the vast majority of people being in a relationship is not just about physical attraction but also feel a strong emotional bond. This is true for women even more for whom the emotional part is even more important than physical attraction.

It is also very clear that your husband is a control freak that does not want you have to have a life that does not include him. It is impossible to change a man like that and regardless of how hard your try, he will still be suspicious and paranoid.

My recommendation for you would be to end this relationship when it is convenient for you. Having a steady, well-paid job is definitely going to be helpful for you and your kids to be comfortable. It also seems that the timing of your departure is not going to matter much because this man lives in a different world.

Cindy writes, "My ex-husband just moved in the state that I now reside in. He lives 30 minutes away from me. It seems like he wants to stay in contact with me though we have no children together. I don't understand. He married the woman that he cheated on me with. Yet, he "finds" reasons to talk to me. Please help me understand why he is doing that."

Why would a married ex want to talk to his previous wife?

As you probably read in my blog earlier, I think it is a terrible idea to stay in touch with an ex unless there are kids (or the two partners are still single and decide to stay friends after a breakup over something fundamental to their relationship) involved and definitely a bad idea if the partner has remarried. It is fine to be civil and polite if you run into each other by accident or at a party but other than that it is simply more trouble than you want after a divorce.

There could be a few reasons why he wants to maintain a relationship with you (and of course, you can simply ask him what he wants from you and why does he want to stay in touch with you).

1. His current marriage is not working out. It happens to some men who leave their wives for a better woman and then realize that there is no perfect woman. Everyone has some good and bad qualities and then they miss their ex wives.
2. He wants to make you jealous for whatever he has now that he didn't when you two were together.
3. He feels guilty for what he did to you and hopes that by being friendly to you, he might improve his image in your mind.

My advice to you will be to politely tell him that you are simply not interested in meaningless contact with him. You are trying to move on and staying in touch with him is not helpful.

Carla writes, "I am a married woman and have been dating a married man for 3 years. Both of our spouses know about the relationship. We both have a minor child; mine 9 and his 12. At first he would tell me that he will leave when his child graduates from high school but now he's saying that he will leave now if I (we) could come up with a feasible plan. He also says that if I wanted him I would have him by now. We live thousands and of miles apart and see each other regularly but there's not a day that goes by that we don't speak with one another. We both argue continuously with our spouses about this relationship and want to know why the two of us can''t leave each other alone. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. He has even threatened to hurt me if I attempted to leave him. I need your help. Is this true love? Will he ever leave? We understand that this will hurt both of our families but what is a plan if there is such a thing that will help alleviate some of the pain?"

I am actually in the process of helping a woman in very similar circumstances. Here are my thoughts:

1. It is generally a bad idea to let your spouse know or found out about your adultery. I am not saying that you did it so on purpose, but, it just makes things difficult.
2. If you didn't know this, but, women genuinely fall in love while some men will say so that they have fallen in love merely to keep the relationship alive. I am not saying that this man does not love you, but clearly you love him more than he does. Maybe my definition of love is old-fashioned, but men have given up their crowns for love, fought battles, gave up everything they had, and this man is giving you the run around to divorce his wife. I mean, give me a break.
3. Men often feel a great sense of responsibility towards their families (not necessarily their wives). That makes it rather hard for them to leave their spouses because it breaks up the family.
4. Many coward men use manipulative techniques (like making you feel guilty, or sowing a doubt in your mind that if your love was deep enough for him he would have left already, or promising to hurt you if you left) to keep the women hooked to them and not ask for too much. I have heard from men who were doing this to more than one woman in different locations while they had a supposedly "happily married" wife at home.
5. Are you sure that he loves you or is it that you simply expect him to love you because you do?

The advice that I will give you is the same that I am giving to the other lady. Stop taking BS from him and ask him point-black, if he he will leave his wife or not in the next 30 days. If not, you have to right to terminate the relationship, get a restraining order against him, and notify the local police in his town so that he does not hurt others and/or himself. And there will be no compromises, no extensions, no time to think, and all the other hundreds of excuses and manipulative techniques he will come up with (I know way too many scoundrels like this who play with emotions of women as if they were playing a video game).

If he refuses to marry you and accept you as his wife right away, you should either separate from your husband (I am assuming that your marriage is totally broken by now) or beg forgiveness from him. With a strong commitment on your part and help from counselor, friends, family members, religious person, and others that you trust, you can work on loving your hubby again. I know it can be done because the other woman is doing exactly that. She did what I told you and her so-called "love of my life" completely backed off when she had an adult conversation with him. Her husband did not know about her affair (thankfully) so it is easy for her to save her marriage.

I strongly suspect that this man is simply using you and he has destroyed your marriage under the pretext of loving you, but without doing anything a real lover does.

Candice writes, "I'm 21 and my husband is 39. We married after just a few months of dating. Everything was good between us. Too good if you ask me. I'm young but I know the game. I suspect that he's cheating. I asked him a few times if he was cheating and he always reacts as if I didn't ask him a serious question. Then he responds with 'Why would I ever cheat on you?' I'm just saying to myself that he is lying. I sense all the signs. Even after we have been married, he has a box of condoms in his office bag. Why does he have condoms if we have never used them before? I see no reason to have condoms, and if there should be, they should in our bedroom. I started to monitor his bag. Condoms disappeared. From that point on I kept asking him if he was cheating and that last time he got so mad he punched a hole in the wall and he started crying and saying he'll never do anything to hurt our relationship and he's never lied or cheated on me. I still don't believe him. I smell his mustache when we kiss and it got that sex scent. I smell his underwear they have the smell of semen. I don't have any more proof than that but what else do I need. I can't leave/divorce him because he takes care of me and my kids and I still love him like no other. I just don't know what to do. I do know that I don't want to leave him. He had a friend that told me why should I be mad if he's cheating but at the same time he is taking care of me and my kids. I'm like I already married young and I don't want to be married to someone that cheats. I didn't marry him so he could cheat on me. Can you help?"

Yes, I am a little concerned too about the condom situation. As a married man myself who has sex without condoms with my wife, I haven't bought condoms in over 15 years. I am not so sure about the sex scent though (I don't think there is such a thing) that you talk about or his undies smelling of semen (did you actually see any semen stains?).

In other words, you don't have definite proof that he is cheating.

Now let me ask you this: is it possible that your man is bisexual? I know a lot of men have sex with guys and do not consider it cheating because they are doing it with a man and not a woman. I also don't like that friend of his telling you how cheating is OK if he is a good provider.

Also, do not say anything to him yet and also do not think about leaving him either. Life as a single mom can be very hard and you want to be financially strong first before you leave him. In other words, it is better to wait and build a safety net of money before deciding on divorce.

Alice writes, "Please tell me where I can get help for my boyfriend. He does not believe he has a problem but he thinks I am supposed to only have him as a friend. He has been married before. He and I were dating while he was going through the divorce."

Based on what you are telling me it seems that he is suffering from "commitment phobia." It is a problem with many men these days, but particularly acute among divorced men. Obviously because they have been divorced they lose some faith in the institution of marriage, but I don't count it as a valid excuse. If a man does not want to commit and only wants to be friends, he should be upfront about it rather than mislead a woman.

I have written extensively on this topic. Try a search here for terms like "commitment phobia" and "commitment phobic" on the page below and read more about dozens of women who have written to me about this issue.

Obviously you can try talking to him and also see if you can go to relationship therapy with someone who works with married couples.

I wrote previously about life after divorce for men. What many people fail to realize is that men too suffer from a divorce, often a lot more than women do. Many men simply do not have the coping mechanisms that women have developed over centuries of evolution.

Arthur is one of these men who is having a very difficult time with his divorce. "I just recently went through a divorce that I never wanted. I have placed the blame squarely on me and now I have so much guilt that I don't even know how to begin getting over it. I do know that it takes two to tango and now that I have taken the time to look back at things, she is also at fault, but when we talk about things she refuses to even admit that she had any part in this. With that being said, I have still taken the blame for everything. How does one put all the BS behind and start living again?" he asks.

First of all, it is best not to dwell over this issue with your ex and try to figure out what went wrong (the time to do anything is long gone). Your divorce is a done deal and it is best that you move on and so should she. Having said that, it is good to reflect briefly on your past to learn the lessons that will come handy in the future.

Secondly, life is about the future. There is nothing that you can do about the past but you can do amazing things with your future. Think about your life ahead and how you can change it to your liking.

Third, start to focus on your hobbies and develop a simple timeline to do things that you had always wanted to do but couldn't find the time to do them (it could have been a hobby that she hated or places that you wanted to visit but she did not or something else). It is also a good idea to develop a new circle of friends as you might have lost some due to the divorce and there will be occasions where you may not be welcome any more because you are now single.

And finally, I always recommend that one not jump into a relationship right away or even date for the first 3-6 months. So enjoy your single life for a while and rediscover what you really want from the rest of your life. Trust me, if you are a good man, there are a lot of wonderful women out there dying to find you.

My sister-in-law got a divorce. While I had a great relationship with her ex-husband (as far as I was concerned, he was a great guy), when the process moved forward, I had no choice but to be on the side of sister-in-law. I had to stop all communication with him because having even a casual acquaintance with him would have hurt my sister-in-law. A few years later they have a horrible relationship and often face problems while raising their 3 daughters. Sometimes I just wonder if I could pick up the phone or have a beer with her ex and help him better deal with the problems that they have because they do not even look at each other any more (they only communicate through their children). Here is a great video of Jill Brooke and Julie Chen that talks about divorce and relationships without choosing sides.

By attending a mass divorce fair. Like the mass weddings often organized by religious or social groups, this event will enable couples having problems in their marriage to seek counseling, get a painless divorce, learn to move on after a divorce, and deal with issues like personal finance, child support, and singles vacations. Austria has the same rate of divorce as the United States.

Did you know that having problems in your relationship could hurt your health to much that you could die from it. Latest research published in the Archives of Internal Medicine finds that "negative close relationships" boosted the risk of coronary events by a third.

"Previous research in this area focused more on philosophy," said Robert De Vogli, a lecturer in social epidemiology at University College London. "It was assumed that if you were married, you were more likely to be healthy. It was well established that social relationships are important for health."

This finding means that if you are in a relationship (if you are single try our free dating website) that is not going so well, you can do one of the two things: Fix it by seeking help from marriage counselors, family members, and friends, or simply end it. There is absolutely no reason to drag it and be miserable. I know many couples do it for the sake of children or due to financial considerations, but this finding shows that you would be better off either fixing it once and for all by making compromises and resolving conflicts or getting a divorce.

A divorce lawyer may be the most unlikely source of marriage advice but they have unique insights into why marriages fail. While some studies say that half of all marriages fail, the actual number is much higher because many couples live in horrible marriages but stay together for all sorts of reasons. They are actually worse than divorced couples.

So what are the reasons for divorce?

Of course, we live in a world of choice and now that men and women are financially independent, they do not take BS from no one. Another major reason is that when passion goes out of a relationship.

So what is the secret to a long and happy marriage?

1. Appreciate your partner
2. And keep the relationship spicy.

If I were God for one day, the first thing I would do is to make a couple fall in love so much when they decide to have a child that they will never get a divorce (or breakup since it is no longer the case that only married people have children). While divorce is hard on both partners, studies say that it is even harder on a man than a woman, and it is a traumatic experience for children, particularly if they are not adults (as is most often the case).

Divorce is also typically the end result of years of fighting and that results in a lot of bitter feelings towards each other. It is not surprising for couples to not even want to see each other's faces when one day that took the vow to be married till death (How to make your marriage work). Unfortunately, with 50% marriages ending in divorce, there is not much we can do about this reality except to discourage people in doubt about their relationship from having children in first place, but if they do, making sure that regardless of how much they hate each other, still love their children.

I always thought that divorce hurts families and based on the number of emails (if you want to share your story, please write to us) that we receive from women, it is devastating to them. They start to doubt themselves and their self esteem becomes low. Many women are severly depressed and find it very hard to date after the divorce. Some refuse to remarry or continue to have problems in their next relationship.

All this time, we all assumed that men just moved on, probably found a younger chick, and never looked back.

Not true. According to an analysis by Statistics Canada (and I am confident that the results are valid for most of us in the West), men are six time more likely to get depressed compared to happily married men. According to Michelle Rotermann, the author of the study, "On the one hand we know depression in general tends to be more common among women, but there is also a lot of evidence that shows that men have fewer social supports and social support does seem to play a role."

So if you are a recently divorced man and don't feel right, chances are you are depressed. So get some help. And friends and family members of men who have recently divorced, if you don't see things are right, please provide some support and ask him to get professional help.

And to all those women who might date just divorced men, be patient and don't judge too fast. If you think that he does not seem "normal," don't just dump him (though it is fine to end the relationship in a civil manner) but make sure that he meets with a therapist and gets psychiatric help. There is a reason Prozac is a bestselling drug.

Natalie is a single mom with two children in elementary school. She is separated from her husband of 11 years and has decided to seek a divorce. "Only recently I decided to date (check out our free dating website) and found a wonderful man. It was love at first sight. He was also separated, and like me, wanted to divorce his wife too, but they were still living in the same house. After dating for two months, he told me that he needs his space and time to figure out what he really wants. What should I do? I am giving him his space he asked for and he has told me that we did not breakup and that he just needs his space and time. How should I handle this development?" she asks.

Dating after divorce is somewhat complicated for both men and women and even more so when the divorce is not yet final. Both men and women completely change their thinking about relationships and marriage after divorce because they start looking at whole live very differently. In some ways, it is a good thing because they can now think before they act. And that is exactly what he is doing.

My advice to you would be to leave him alone for the time being by not pressuring him to go out on dates. It doesn't hurt, though, to occasionally email him politely to check up on him and share how you and kids are doing. If you push hard at this point, it will be frustrating for both of you.

You should also tell him that you would like to give him whatever number of days you feel comfortable with, say, 30 or 60 days, to come up with his plan forward. In the meantime, you should tell him that both of you are free to see other people. Imagine that he comes back to you 2 months later and tells you that after all he does not want a relationship with you. You would have wasted all this time particularly if you end up meeting someone nice. You can tell him that you are not breaking up with him either; you just want to keep your options open. It wouldn't be fair for him to expect that you will just wait for him even when he does not want to commit anything at all.

Recently a group of divorce attorneys in Chicago were blasted for a very controversial billboard with the tag line "Life's short - get a divorce." The critics argued that marriage was not something to be taken lightly and by openly motivating people to consider divorce, the lawyers were sending a wrong message.

While it is often said that one out of every two marriages in the country leads to a divorce, some recent statistics suggest that the divorce rate may have actually leveled off and even declined. Is it true?

Yes, the numbers are right and that is why the divorce attorneys are seeking new clients, the real story is different. What is happening is that instead of getting married people are choosing to live together before marriage (if at all they do it) and even have children out of wedlock (in the traditional sense), though many of these couples are actually in long-term, monogamous, committed relationships.

According to statics, the number of couples living together without marriage has increased 10 times since 1960 and the marriage rate has plunged by 30% during last 25 years. Plus, Americans are marrying when they are much older.

So what is the message here?

If you are not absolutely convinced that you have found the spouse of your dreams, wait to get married. There are other options to be together. Remember, divorce is costly and painful.

Courtney is a 52 year old woman and this is what she wrote to me today. "I agree with you on the subject of an older woman being with a younger man. Many people don't accept that this is a viable option. I myself resisted the temptation for some time before succumbing to the affections of a man 23 years my junior. I wound up marrying him and the problems that surfaced in our marriage were not due to our large age gap. His family members were more judgmental than mine about the age difference. After 6 years of being together, he divorced me and went back to his ex, who is only about 4 years younger than myself. I have been alone for nearly a year and have not found a man thus far that suits me. Age is a number. This is what I want men and women out there to understand," she says.

I think Courtney's case clearly proves that if a couple is compatible otherwise, age is merely a number. And if they are otherwise incompatible, being of the same age can actually be a problem sometimes - a mature partner can handle the situation better.

Uma Thurman is a great example of great ex wife

Relationship with your ex is a delicate issue especially if the divorce or the breakup was ugly. The feelings are even more bitter when it was a result of adultery or dispute over money. But is it a good idea to talk bad about your ex (think Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards here)?

Maybe the answer is provided by Uma Thurman (who coincidentally also stars in "My super ex-girlfriend."). In several interviews she has admitted that she had a bad marriage (and so has Teri Hatcher) with Ethan Hawke and there are some reports that he may have cheated on her, but in an interview in Parade, she says that she does not believe in being critical about her ex-husband. (Related: Should I go back to my ex?)

"I think it's fair to say that I haven't said one mean thing, and I'm not going to start now. It's terrible for my family," she said. "I'm just another American woman who was in an unfulfilled marriage that fell apart," she added.

Indeed, not every one has a perfect marriage and many of us are lonely and depressed in our relationships. Some of us even choose to end our relationships and move on, but friendship with your ex is generally a good idea.