Christopher writes, "Whenever I have something on my mind, my sexual appetite goes off completely no matter how I try to forget. What must I do to control this? Also my spouse seems to open up for me only to please me though she has no interest in making love at a particular time and this has become a habit. Therefore, I am losing touch in our sexual excitement. Please help."

Impact of stress on relationships

There is enormous evidence that shows that stress, worry, and insomnia can completely kill sexual desire and even cause impotency or erectile dysfunction. So you need to work on the root cause of your what is on your mind. I am not a stress expert but like anyone else I do have it as well as lots of worries.

Many people have found relief with yoga but I am more of the kind that likes to eliminate the root cause. A previous job that was driving me nuts, well, I quit and now have an awesome job here helping wonderful people like you. So try to identify the problem of your mind not being at peace and try to deal with it. Maybe it means a change of jobs or place or whatever it is. Having a spiritual outlook on life always helps.

Put yourself in your wife's shoes

Regarding your spouse, well, could it be that she too is experiencing anxiety, exhaustion, worry, stress, depression, etc.? Additionally, women's libido reduces with age. At that time many men are at their sexual peak and often experience frustration.

You need to work on your personal issues and try to understand those of your wife to see how you can help her without making her feel as if she is the problem.

Can I have sex with someone else if my husband does not do it?

Erica, yet another woman in a sexless marriage, writes, "My husband has not made love to me in years. He has erectile dysfunction. I've tried to talk to him about it and get some help. The doctor gave him a device to use. His ego won't let him use it, I guess. So I have been very hot for a good while. Now I have been thinking about getting with someone else. I want to stay with my husband and I love him but I feel things and have needs. What is your thought?"

I have seen this problem in hundreds of emails that I have received from women. Men who simply refuse to accept that a health problem can be corrected and no one would doubt their manhood just because they need and use medical help.

I totally understand how you feel, and in my opinion, you have a right to satisfy your needs. Feeling sexual desire is as normal as the way you feel hungry or thirsty or tired.

There are two ways to go about it. Talk to your husband and agree on an arrangement (I doubt if this is possible in your case) in which you can have sex with someone else and he should not ask any questions. You will have a right to privacy about this issue.

A more practical solution for your specific situation is to just keep it a secret. The key is to be upfront about this to the man (or men) that you might have as your lovers and also seek his cooperation so that he does not blackmail you, and helps you keep it a secret. Online dating websites are best for this.