Carmen writes, "How does a woman know when to let go and when to hold on in love? I have realized I am not in the greatest situation with my love. A long time ago I left him because he is extremely promiscuous and he speaks to women constantly behind my back, although (so he says and to my knowledge) he has not bedded anyone. My ex and I are back together now after a rough breakup with a beautiful little baby girl on the way and it seems as if he's reverting back to his old ways but a little worse. I found nasty emails and questionable cell phone conversations and he's constantly gone at night. What do I do? How do I approach the situation maturely because he doesn't know I know these things yet but I don't want to go through the same situation again. We're supposed to be getting married in six months and I don't want to get rid of my child's father before she actually gets here; I would feel so guilty."

There could be two problems with your relationship. Your boyfriend is genetically wired to have relationships with multiple women at one time. Some men feel this need and they define their success in life by the number of women they can connect with even if it is merely chatting or flirting.

The second issue could be that there is something big missing in your relationship with him and he tries to find it in other women (do you have any clue what could it be? It must be something that he talks about a lot and you might not have it or have refused it. Sometimes friends and family members can also give some hints).

I know a lot of women who marry a man or just hang on to him in the hope that somehow the man will change after the marriage or after becoming a father (and some do) but it is a huge risk to take. I think you do not want to babysit him by monitoring his email or cell phone conversations; not only it is inappropriate, it is impossible to stop an adult from still doing what she or he is hell bent on doing.

A more appropriate approach would be to go to therapy together as a couple so that all your concerns can be aired calmly and he can also say what is going on in his head. If these issues can be resolved before the wedding that would be great but if you are not convinced that he has fundamentally changed, I guess a good idea would be to cancel the wedding. Yes, I feel bad that a child is going to be born without a father at home but it will be good for you and the child that you can both move on and not have to worry who your husband is chatting up with each night. Hopefully, it will also free you up to find another man who will be committed to you alone and will love your daughter.

Stacy writes, "My fiance has put a tracking device in my car and a recording device in my home. He constantly accuses me of sneaking around when I don't tell him of my every move. He has recorded every number from my phone to his. He even smells my underwear. Is this normal behavior or does he need help?"

Your fiance is definitely a paranoid man and his behavior is not normal at all. If possible, he needs professional help immediately, and definitely before the wedding.

I am assuming, though, that you have no history of cheating that he is aware of. If that is the case, he is definitely a person who does not trust you and as you might know, trust is the foundation of any relationship. I am in a happy marriage and my wife and I have private email accounts and do not monitor each other's phone conversations. Obviously, we have a simple rule about telling each other when we will be back at home (so that if one can make sure that the other is well) but there is no need to report where we are at every point of time. We also have separate phones and pocket money. I have never abused that trust and I am confident that neither has she.

So my suggestion for you would to be ask him to get help and put your wedding plans on hold. He may turn out to be a crazy husband and will make your life hell for you.

My boyfriend wants to be friends and not marry me

Alice writes, "Please tell me where I can get help for my boyfriend. He does not believe he has a problem but he thinks I am supposed to only have him as a friend. He has been married before. He and I were dating while he was going through the divorce."

Based on what you are telling me it seems that he is suffering from "commitment phobia." It is a problem with many men these days, but particularly acute among divorced men. Obviously because they have been divorced they lose some faith in the institution of marriage, but I don't count it as a valid excuse. If a man does not want to commit and only wants to be friends, he should be upfront about it rather than mislead a woman.

I have written extensively on this topic. Try a search here for terms like "commitment phobia" and "commitment phobic" on the page below and read more about dozens of women who have written to me about this issue.

Obviously you can try talking to him and also see if you can go to relationship therapy with someone who works with married couples.