Allison writes, "I have had this friend for about 4 years and we have gone through some ups and downs due to each others romantic relationships. We clicked right off the bat and became very close very quickly. I always had a little crush for him, but I respected our friendship too much to profess any feelings. I got into a relationship about 7 months into our friendship and I feel he felt neglected in some way. He ended up moving to a different state to finish his degree and we only talk once in a while and see each other once or twice a year. I am currently in a three and a half year relationship (it has been long distance for the past 7 months) that is currently having problems and this very day we are "on a break" so we can think things over on our own terms. This past weekend, this male friend was in town and we had a great night together. I had lots of fun and maybe a little too much to drink. We almost crossed the line several times, but I held back because I am in a relationship (he is not). The next morning, we cuddled and were very affectionate. Since that day (4 days ago) I have just been smiling and happy, not sure if I am falling in love with him all over again or just glad to see him. I am also bothered because how can I have feelings for someone else and be in a healthy relationship? Anyways...what do you think? My friend and I have always been pretty affectionate when we hang out, and maybe he is just like that."

Liking a best friend

Well, first of all, it is not unnatural to start liking your best friend or even falling in love. In any case, you were attracted to him early on, so it was even easier to fall for him.

Retaliation relationship

Secondly, now that you are single, and coming out of a possible breakup (on a break usually is not a good sign), you are feeling vulnerable and lonely, and that is why the idea of a man who has been solidly behind you all these years and who you can trust so much, is so appealing. Of course, this is also a likable, happy man that you are so close to. That is why you don't feel any guilt and are enjoying his and your feelings for each other. Yes, you are technically in a relationship, but the way you describe to me, it is a dysfunctional relationship and if you do not end it sooner or later, it does not have a very bright future.

What I would advise is that you spend as much time as possible with your friend and keep monitoring your feelings for him, and of course, his reaction. If you are hitting it off and realize that he too is romantically inclined towards you, it might be time to have a serious chat with him to see if you want to pursue a relationship. At that point you can breakup with your current boyfriend.

Gary writes, "I am a 24 year old man and I have a close friend of 15 years. He has been married for almost 5 years. I am very close with him and his wife, since they have been dating since high school. Both of them had told me that they have an 'open relationship' and don't mind sleeping with others outside the marriage. To my knowledge, this has never occurred, but they're up for it. The other day during a wild night of drinking, we were talking about how I haven't gotten laid in almost a year. The next morning, I got a text message from his wife propositioning me, and telling me that she would be willing to help with my 'not been laid in a while' problem. It's tempting, because she is attractive, and she assures me that my friend wants her to do it, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to mess up our friendship that has gone on so long, but they seem really cool about it. Since it has been so long it's hard to resist. What should I do?"

Regarding your situation, looks like there is no need to seduce your best friend's wife. It is fairly obvious that they are both cool with the idea. And trust me, they are not alone. Millions of couples have open relationships and or some form of freedom in which they have sex outside their marriage. Now, some of these people are on the web and are openly propositioning other people, often perfect strangers (which has its own pluses because it can ensure some privacy and anonymity) but many others that I have spoken to prefer it with a trusted person who will not have any diseases and is not likely to go tell the world about it.

Therefore, my suggestion to you will be that given the circumstances, you can go ahead and join them. Before doing so, however, it is a good idea to finally review what it means to your friendship with them. It is also a good idea to discuss the boundaries and limits beforehand. For instance, will it be the three of you or more or will he watch or will you be alone with the wife while he is gone somewhere or will someone take pictures or make a video and any other questions that you might have?

Anne writes, "My husband works with a female and they talk all the time. One day we ran into her at a public place, he went to speak to her and she would not speak back. I was with him and this was the first time I would have met her. She acted as though she didn't know him. This sparked something in me. I asked my husband what's was going on. He claims he didn't know. I told him if she couldn't speak to you in front of me then he shouldn't be talking to her anymore. However they still speak all the time. I checked the phone records and confronted him. He swears they are just friends. I believe this is total disrespect to me and that she keeps him as a friend despite her disrespect to me. He says I'm overreacting. I know I'm not but what is your opinion about husbands with female friends?"

As a married man my rule of thumb is that all females and couples friends should socialize with my wife in all cases; if they do not want my wife, I have no need for their friendship because I offer the same (the only exceptions are group settings that may include my male buddies, and obviously, all business/professional meetings).

In other words, if your husband is reluctant or embarrassed to hang out with her in your presence, something is not right.

Having said that, if your relationship is otherwise great and you have no other complaints with him or your marriage, you can give him some freedom to have personal friends. Maybe there is something special about her that fulfills a part of his life, maybe he enjoys her company for some special reason; the reality is that you cannot stop him from talking to her and if you desperately tried to do so, you will only create a lot of bitterness in your marriage. He might just resent you a lot for this. Unless he has stopped loving you and has abandoned you for the sake of this girl, it might very well be a harmless friendship that you might be making a big deal about. I have had female friends from my single days, and they are so dear to me, and my wife is fine with that as long as I am a great husband otherwise.

Linda writes, "My boyfriend of 5 months just out of the blue broke up with me. We were friends for almost 4 years before we started dating. At first he said he didn't feel like the relationship was going anywhere, he was bored and he just didn't think he could see himself with me in the future. After collecting all my things from his house, and leaving, I realized I still had many unanswered questions. We met two days later for dinner and he admitted that he just didn't know if he was ready to be in a committed relationship. He said he had a lot going on in his head that he had no clue how to deal with and the breakup was more of him than anything I did. I just feel very lost now without him. He did seem genuine when we talked, he even shed a few tears. I just don't understand if he is so upset and unhappy like me, then why are we going through this? Should I just give him space and see if he realizes that he is in love with me and misses me greatly? I need advice on how to move on from this.

I know exactly how it feels. A breakup out of the blue with someone that you know so well and love can be devastating.

I think this is going on. Looks like he wanted to be your friend all along and changing that into a relationship was not the right thing to do for him. Friendship is one thing, and as any woman knows well, a committed relationship is a different animal altogether. Women want commitment and that also means that they start talking about engagement, wedding, children, home, etc. and if the man is not on the same page, that can be a terrifying thought for him.

Now remember that he might also have had second thoughts about you. I have some wonderful and I love them a lot but I would never date them. What it means is that not all great friends are good lover material. That could have been another realization for him.

Please also remember that men and women deal with breakups differently. In any case, he has had more time to deal with this and is not as much a shock to him as it is for you.

At this time, I think you want to work with the hypothesis that this relationship, and possibly your friendship, is over forever. It is best to leave him alone and try to forget him. Take this idea out of your head that "he is in love with me and misses me greatly." He is not in love with you, otherwise, he would have never broken up with you. In any case, he might have soft feelings for you because of a long friendship and his breaking up for no fault of yours, it still does not mean that he loves you and will come back to you.

Linda, it was not a very long relationship and the sooner you can move on the better it is.

Michelle writes, "The father of my unborn child and soon-to-be-husband thinks its okay to kiss other close female friends on the lips in my presence and makes statements like "my wife, she won't get jealous." At times it hurts me and he accuses me of being paranoid and jealous of him and his close friends. Don't I have enough reason to be? After all actions are stronger than words. Please advise me."

I think if this man has been kissing these women like that for a while and was the norm in his group of friends, it may not be a big deal in the sense that he is just continuing with that behavior. And maybe you should think again if you want to make a big deal about it and create friction in your relationship.

Having said that, he must stop doing it if you protest. As his fiancee you have a right to demand that he show physical intimacy towards you and you alone..

What you have to find out is why is he doing this? Is it some kind of group behavior? Is he also sexually involved with them? Are these women single? If not, do their partners not object?

Personally, if it is limited to a quick peck on the lips and there is nothing hanky-panky going on behind your back, you can ask him to stop but don't put your relationship on the line for this. These friends will probably get married and move on. However, if you think that he does not take you seriously as a future wife and wants to continue with his single lifestyle, it might be time to give him a serious warning.

I want to revive relationship with an old flame

Todd writes, "I met my old flame recently by chance. 25 years ago we were in deep love but things did not work out for us. She is married with children and so am I. She tells me to continue being a good husband and father, while I want to revive our old romance. What should I do? Should I go back to my ex?"

It seems that while you may be interested in reviving the relationship (maybe because you are not happy in your current one), she is not. Therefore, it will be a waste of your time to puruse it with her. On the contrary, she might even be offended, and, if you had any hope of having her as a family friend, that maybe gone too. I would say, why don't you maintain a friendship with her so that you can occasionally entertain as a family guest. Introduce her to your family as an old friend (from school, college, whatever your story is) and keep it a platonic relationship. Relationship with an old flame is tricky. Your highschool sweetheart may not turn out to be the same person that you were crazy about.