Stacy writes to me, "Neither my boyfriend or I in our relationship for the sex alone but physically he is just amazing! And the connection we have while having sex is so much, it's like fire. He has been with so many girls that he feels empty he says (only sexually he's been with them). With me he says he finds peace. He wanted a serious relationship and told me he was in love with me after a week of dating. He says I'm the one he's been looking for. He says he's not used to criticism or challenge from women, which is what he likes about me and what he needs, but doesn't know how to handle it. He says strange things like "When I have sex with girls, I roll over and sleep, but with you I wanna hold you all night" and he does. And then he finds it strange, freaks out that he's fallen for me so hard and that scares him. He wanted to introduce me to his friends, wants to meet mine, he wants the real thing. Even spoken to me about kids in the first few weeks. What I find unattractive about him (at an emotional level) is that a man like him, so alpha, shouldn't be insecure and he is. He keeps asking me if I'm seeing someone else while with him! He wants to check my phone even though I'm spending all day with him. He tells me "No woman has ever talked back to me or walked out on me after a fight". Last Saturday I canceled on a movie date with him cause I was tired, and he took it personally. It's Thursday and hasn't called me since! A lot of childish things like this he does, that turn me off emotionally. And I guess it's over since he hasn't called. I don't want to call him cause I messaged him Saturday asking I would see him the following week, but no answer. So you see, I'm with a gorgeous guy, who should be strong and confident but isn't and I'm disappointed. What to do next?"

Dating a man with contradictions

Your boyfriend has a lot of baggage from previous relationships. The good news is that he seems to recognize that there is something more than sex that one should expect from a relationship. And since he has seen that it is possible in a relationship, he appreciates that and is obviously trying to forget the past and start a more conventional relationship with you.

We all have our little problems. Arrogance or inability to appreciate feedback or insecurities are problems that people have even if they are not alpha males. These problems can exist in any man. In other words, there is no correlation. My brother-in-law, a man in his late 50s, entrepreneur, politician, and now a high-ranking government official, is terrified of New York City and literally pees his pants if he sees a cop (a cop once pulled me over on the highway but it was he who almost had a heart attack; the cop simply said that I should learn to slow down as I approach a toll booth and let me go).

Based on all that you have told me about him, this man maybe a good long term partner because of his being attractive and good in bed, but women who are married to insecure men often write to me saying that they made a wrong decision. Insecure men often suspect their wives of cheating and always live in a world where they are victims and under attack. They are so paranoid that life can be hell with them.

If he does not call back, maybe it is time to just let the relationship die.

If he does call back, you can give yourself some time to see if he changes because insecure men do change when they have supportive partners.

Lacie writes, "I just started dating a wonderful 44 year old divorced man. He was married for 16 years and was mentally, physically, and emotionally "done" the last 5 years of the marriage. He's been divorced for a year and has dated previously before he and I met. He is really a sweet man who knows what he did wrong and what he settled for in his first marriage and wants to make things different if he ever gets married again. The problem? He is EXTREMELY insecure. And it's not about sexual inadequacies or feeling like I might cheat on him. Let me give you an example for instance. He has sleep apnea and has to use a C-Pap. Well knew about sleep apnea but really didn't know as well as I could. So I read up on it. I told him about it and told him it could be fatal. Just telling him what I read. His reply: "I don't want you to worry now and every time I get in the bed you'll tell me to put it on." So I explained that it's not a big deal and I won't nag, I was just reading about it. His next statement: "So are you gonna leave me because I have that?" THAT IS JUST ONE EXAMPLE! That is the most minor. There are others about what he thinks are his issues, like his weight, his teeth and all kinds of things that I would not have gone out on a second date with if they bothered me. What do I do because it's out of control and it's early!"

Dealing with a man with insecurities

In most cases, a divorced man comes with a lot of baggage. I mean, he wouldn't get a divorce if he did not have some issues. In your boyfriend's case, it is clear that he was in a really bad marriage that completely drained him. I am assuming that his ex-wife mentally tortured him all these years and put him down every single day. I am guessing that some of his insecurities stem from his inability to have a happy marriage and how it led to a divorce.

As you describe, he is otherwise an awesome man, and that is why worth giving him some time to make things better. Yes, he will take years to get over his insecurities and low self esteem. He will discover gradually that he is a just a normal man that has good and bad things like any other 44 year old man out there and he should get over those. The sacrifice that you will need to make is to not mention what he might perceive as a flaw. It is not easy. If you suggest a cosmetic dentist, he might perceive it as a hint that you don't like his teeth. However, little by little he will notice that you love him for who he is.

Seeking help from friends

Another aspect of his life that you might want to look at is his group of friends. I hope he has good male friends and if not, you might want to hang out with other couples from time to time. As he will talk to males like him he might realize that they are all like him.

So give yourself 3-6 months, if you have the patience, but it is going to be hard and may not work. In that case, it is best to exit at this point and let him deal with his problems alone. If you breakup now, it will be easier on both of you.

I am self conscious in front of girls

Josh writes, "I often get looks and stares from girls about being tall. I am only a little over 6' 3. I am concerned about this. I do not feel that women treat me seriously. I do not look for relationships but often feel threatened by them. I sometimes attract older women which is uncomfortable for me. I have realized that dating older women is not for me because of my low self esteem. I also get laughed at by other guys of my race (African-American). I do not wish to start anything confrontational with people, but it seems that people may be threatened by me or something else. I know that I am not paranoid, but I do notice something wrong or a change. My idea is not to attract a lot of girls, but good people. How should I go about this?"

Actually, height is a big advantage and almost all women like tall men, though, very short women maybe reluctant to approach you because they know that you may not like short women and it will be an incompatible match. In any case, you should not feel bad about your body that you were born with, as long as you do not have a big tummy or are not fat because that has health implications.

Regarding being taken seriously, well, you have to be serious first. If you are always kidding around, then, no one take you seriously.

During recent years it is common for older women to chase younger men and that should make you feel nothing different than a woman your age chasing you. However, if you are not interested, you can politely say that you are looking to date someone around your age.

As you have admitted yourself, you seem to be way too conscious of yourself and that has led to lower self esteem and lack of confidence. You have a victim mentality and imagined fears that others are out to get you. That is not likely the case -- most people are so self-absorbed these days that they hardly care how others look or behave.

Raising self esteem is not something difficult to do. You do seem to be liked by girls and all you need to do is to go out there and conquer the world. If you have access to a mentor or life coach or counselor or a good friend, I strongly suggest that you reach out to him to help you build your confidence, develop positive body image, not just for falling in love but also in other aspects of your life, like career.