Ingrid writes:

"I was in a two year long distance relationship with a military man in California. I live in Canada. We fell in love deeply with each other and with each others families. He told me that I was the one and he wanted me to be his wife. We told each other we were soulmates and that we love each other all the time. Things were going really well. Then he found out that he was getting deployed to Iraq because he works for the US Air Force. Once we found this out, it put strains in our relationship. He distanced himself from me and his family. Finally, a month before his deployment, we said our goodbyes to each other, crying to each other on the phone, we told each other we loved each other deeply and wished each other well. After the break-up, we still kept in touch until the day that he left.

During his deployment to Iraq, I cried and prayed for his safe return. He contacted me once through email and actually called me from Iraq sounding depressed until we got cut off. That was the last that I heard from him. Six to seven months later, I received text messages from him and again we were in contact with each other because he had returned from Iraq. I wasn't sure where things were going so I asked him and he asked for some time to find himself to be sure that he was mentally stable after his deployment to Iraq.

After about a month, he contacted me again and told me that he loves me, always has and always will. We got back together shortly after that and he told me what happened to him there. It was quite traumatic but he told me he was himself again after receiving counseling and therapy. We were continuing our long distance relationship again and again he told me that he loves me and we were planning a visit to see each other. We talked about my birthday because it was a few weeks away. What made things different the second time around was that all of a sudden, he kept saying that he was busy and I wasn't hearing from him as often as before. From time to time he would call and apologize and tell me to trust him and that he loves me very much. Then all of a sudden last month, the last text I got from him was, "Hi, how are you? I'm on my way home. How's your family?" That was the last that I heard from him.

Then for a whole month, nothing from him even after I tried to contact him. I sent him a gift in the mail and even his mom called telling me how excited she was to see me soon because he had told her that I was coming there to see him. But nothing from him. Finally, a week before my birthday, I left him a message and tearfully told him it was over, but still no response until now. After everything we went through together before and after Iraq, after he recently told me that he loved me and that I was the one, he disappeared.

People always say listen to your gut instinct. So of course, everyone told me that he was a jerk and that it means he has been cheating on me. My gut instinct told me something was wrong but I also did not feel that unfaithfulness, especially when we were trying to make things work again. There have been several times on the phone where he sounded depressed and distancing himself from me but he always came back telling me he loved me, laughing, saying he was himself again. To this day, I don't know what happened to us, never heard from him again. Then I read some articles on post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and the after effects of their deployment and things started to make sense.

To this day I don't have closure. I feel as if he woke up all of a sudden and just didn't care. Before this, he told me he would never do this to me and that he was hurt that I accused him of it. But he did it or so it seems. It seems as if he just had no feeling. Is it possible that he has post traumatic stress and was in denial, that he still needed to heal after three months of coming back? I'm so devastated because it was so sudden and abrupt. He tells me he loves me, we're laughing and joking around on the phone, through text messages and then all of a sudden, he completely cuts off communication on his part.

I read articles on the military and PTSD and it seems to make more sense than the easy conclusion of him cheating on me. But I'm not sure. When we got back together, two months after his return, he kept apologizing for hurting me and that he didn't deserve me but that he was okay now. I still love him deeply no matter how hurt I am and I worry that maybe he is going through something because after this, I also did not hear from his family again either and they used to keep in contact with me. I'm confused, heartbroken and helpless but I am moving on. I have to.

He had a hard life and felt very strongly about loving the women in his life: his sisters-in-law, nieces, me and especially his mom, who raised him and his brothers as a single parent. He respected women so much. What does make it more difficult which I failed to leave out of my story was that one of the reasons I was supposed to visit him in California was because he wanted to propose. According to his brother, when he came back from Iraq, he bought a ring for me but just needed time to figure things out. I guess he thought he was okay after two to three months after his return. It's also hard when family is involved and they put ideas in your head, but when he and I were talking again, he was dropping obvious hints to me so that I could come there. I failed to listen to all of these ideas and just blocked out what his family was telling me, I know that they loved me too, that's difficult too.

Moving on is quite difficult especially when you have close friends and family who look at this as a "typical relationship" and they use words like "he's just not that into you." I'm constantly being told, "Regardless of whether or not he was in Iraq or long distance, if he loves you, he loves you, it's that simple" or "You just weren't the one, he doesn't love you and didn't know how to tell you" or "You obviously meant nothing to him after how things ended without so much of an email." But how can people understand what it is like to be in Iraq and how damaging it is to a person's mind and heart?

I guess what I'm looking for is some comfort, some understanding and closure of my own because I don't know what really happened. I even feel guilty that I never really understood it before and that maybe he didn't feel as if I was there for him. I've been doing reading on post traumatic stress disorder and reading a personal biography of one soldier's experience. Apparently, men who do suffer from it don't have the ability to feel. One good friend told me that what he did when he just cut communication from me, he did it because he loves me. He does not want me to suffer from his own pain because it makes him feel even more guilty. It's hard to see love when your mind is messed up from a traumatic experience. It seems to help me understand, but I would love to hear stories from the women."

After thinking about it, I notice that you are taking a very mature approach and you seem to have nailed the cause for his awkward behavior. War is tough and it has affected the psyches of tens of thousands of troops. There have been several reports that talk about higher rate of crimes by those that were in Iraq and many of the veterans have ended their relationship after their return.

I am really hoping that you can put this behind you and find a relationship with another man.

Lacie writes, "I'm in 7 year-old relationship. We are generally a happy couple. I can say it's perfect. Last year, however, I came to work overseas. For the first year I was away, everything was okay. We still had good communication. Starting this year he seldom contacts me (email, IM, text message, or phone call). He's not affectionate any more. He cannot even say he loves me which he used to tell me before very frequently. Is he sending me a message that he wants to end the relationship?"

I am assuming that you are not yet married.

Based on what you are telling me, as you can understand, long distance relationships are very difficult for both partners. I was in one for two years and while eventually we got married, it was a difficult two years for both of us. Things that can be resolved in one minute when a couple is physically together, explode into something huge when you are hundreds of miles apart.

Unless there is something else (like a job loss or death in the family or medical problem that could put him into low spirits) I am suspecting that he has found another woman and by cutting off communication with you, he is hinting that he wants to breakup with you. I think you need to ask that question to him right away so that you can know for sure what is going on. If there is some misunderstanding, you need to visit him and spend some time with him to make sure that you two still have feelings for each other.

My long distance relationship keeps me lonely

Carmen writes, "I have been dating a guy for two years. We have a long distance relationship. Today I am a better person because of him. He is someone when you are around him you want to be better. He pushed me to attain the potential that I thought was out of reach for me. I am more confident and more comfortable in my skin. Once a month he will come to see me or he will send for me. Six months ago he broke up with me. Now he is back in my life. He never talks about moving closer to me or me moving closer to him. He seems to be very content with his life. His job requires a lot of traveling. He is gone from six months to a year at time. I need my men closer to me. I can't do the long distance relationship anymore. How do I approach this issue? I wonder why he never talks about moving. Is it because he doesn't want to commit to me or is it the fact that he knows that he is never home due to his job. As much that I love him, I am tired of not having him near me. It is very lonely at times. Help me."

From his behavior it is very clear that he is not interested in a real relationship with you. For all we know, he could have another girl (or girls or even a wife) some place else because of his lifestyle in which you don't see him for months. If he were interested in a relationship that most of us have then he would have already suggested that either you move closer to him or that you travel with him. And since you have never really pushed for it, he has assumed that the arrangement is working fine for you too. There is a strong possibility that he is also not interested in a relationship that requires any kind of commitment from him because that would require him to worry about you and give you his time.

The best thing to do is to discuss this issue with him next time you see him. If he is not interested in being closer to you more often (yes, even people that travel a lot have wives or figure out a way to spend more time with them) you would know for sure that you better look for someone who is in your area.