Janet writes, "I'm 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for 6 years; we have 3 children of ages 7, 6, and 1. He is in the military, therefore, he's gone a lot but he only goes on short missions. When he comes back he is full of desire and I can understand that since I am also waiting for him to come back and make love to me. The problem is that I am pretty satisfied in a day or two but he wants it non stop. With three kids and the same old routine it gets boring and predictable. So I want to bring some excitement and spark back to our sex life. What suggestion do you have?"

I totally understand it. If you eat pizza every day for 3 days you would even hate the word pretty soon. That is why it is important to add variety to sex in order to keep it interesting and something to look forward to it. Here is what I suggest:

1. Position: The same position only stimulates the same parts of the body but there are literally infinite possibilities for kissing or touching or penetration. Just by changing the position you will feel that sex is different each time.

2. Place: Yep, the bed is awesome but you will get tired of the same place very soon. I like to think that sex can be had almost anywhere (as long as you don't get into trouble for it). Just having it in the kitchen or dining room or bathroom or car or in the backyard can make it much more exciting and allows you to explore even more new positions.

3. Time: It may seem that sex before going to bed is the most natural thing to do but sex can be had any time. Actually, the best time for sex is in the morning when you are relaxed and full of energy. Similarly, having sex as soon as he comes home from work or at any other time that you can find, you will realize that it makes it a lot more fun. As you might have already discovered, you don't always need a full hour of sex to feel satisfied. Good sex, even if it lasts for 5 minutes, can be far more satisfying if it is something new. I love quickies.

4. Situation. For instance, if you wear the same tee shirt to bed every night, it would make it so boring. How about a little creativity there? Maybe mixing and matching some underwear and lingerie? Or can you try a scarf around your body to bed and let him open his gift? Or even make a costume? A naughty housewife or school girl or secretary? You get the idea.

I wanted to share some tips from a mature woman who has had successful with younger guys.

"I think older women have to take themselves seriously. We have much to offer. I am a better companion/mate now than I was 20 years ago. I have decided that age and distance are irrelevant if there is the potential of a good relationship. I have done a little online reading about changes in sexual response as women age - and I have found what was written is consistent with what happens to me. I have for a long time been continuously orgasmic but needed the usual foreplay in advance for the best experience. After separating from my husband, I was celibate for 15 years - we were still married and being otherwise did not work for me. I was engaged last year (though broke it off subsequently as he wanted money) and slept with him a few times (long distance relationship). I was surprised to find that all sensation from all stimulation went direct to my private parts and little foreplay was needed or even wanted. In fact I simply want/need deep penetration. The continuous orgasm was still there. I am now very easily aroused, swell up and am ready very quickly. This is hardly a disadvantage for a male. Of course it does not mean that play of one sort or another is not welcome as part of the whole picture."

Lisa writes, "The sex used to be great with my boyfriend but I want him to love me slowly not bam bam bam, so fast sometimes that I don't enjoy it any more. I explained to him that I wanted him to do some things different and please me, make love to me slowly and passionately. I have done all I can to talk to him and it's not working. My feelings have taken a drastic change for the worse and I am wondering if I should just throw him out of my life."

Regarding sex, he has the same issues as millions of other men do. For them sex is not about foreplay or intimacy; it is a way to release themselves and then go to sleep. These men have simply not learned to appreciate that a woman is not just a receptacle but a person with feelings.

All a girl can do in these circumstances is to request and you have done that, but I have little hope from him considering that he has not taken the time to learn lovemaking.

I am noticing that you seem like a nice, sweet, responsible girl and while this man has a few great qualities, he is not the man for you long term. What you want is a man who will not only do what he does but also make passionate love to you treating you like a woman with feelings rather than just a toy.

He will need to learn how to make love to you and you will teach him how to do it. Give him a chance to get it right in 3 months, and if you see no change, throw him out of the house.

Alexis writes, "This is an important time in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating for over a year and we are talking about the next step in our relationship. We enjoy many things together. I am sure the next step in our relationship will include lovemaking. Does this seem like a good time? Is it possible to engage in lovemaking without having sex? We can just take our time and not worry about being bothered. I want to create a romantic setting. Any ideas? I am thinking about candles burning in my room (so it is candle lit), perfume, and soft background music. Are these good ideas?"

It is great that you waited a while to get to know this man before making love.

Obviously, making love, especially for the first time, should be done with as much time and privacy as possible. Both partners, not matter how old and experienced, are nervous and doing it in a hurry can spoil everything.

Now the terms lovemaking and sex are often used interchangeably but I am guessing that you are saying that lovemaking means no penetration. What constitutes sex is somewhat confusing and different people look at it differently but yes, it is possible to please your partner and yourself through kissing, hugging, cuddling, masturbation, and oral sex and wait to have penetration.

Regarding creating a romantic setting, yes, candles are always great (though to be honest, girls appreciate it more than guys do) but I like the idea of background music. The most important thing is the nightwear you choose to wear. And since you two will be alone and things heat up even before you get to the bedroom, I also suggest that you wear a beautiful bra and panty, in case you never get to the point of dressing up for the night.

Regarding time needed to make love, I would say that take the clock and put it in a drawer. The last thing you want to do is to worry about time. The more the better.

Regarding the timing of the intercourse, it all depends on your values and priorities. I know that many girls lose their virginity at the age of 13 while a few choose to wait till they are married. Many women have sex on the first date, while others wait for the third, and some do not until they are married. So it is something that you have to think for yourself and then discuss it with your boyfriend.

Regarding having great sex that makes both of you happy, my advice is that just go with the flow and try not to follow the rules too much. I mean if he comes over at 3 PM and while watching a movie on the couch in the afternoon, things heat up, then just go ahead and have fun. Don't get too concerned about the candle-lit bedroom. In any case, you can have sex multiple times so it is a good idea to do it yet once more before sleeping.

And be open minded about trying new things and do not expect perfection from you or him, especially the first time. While virgins have a hard time the first time, sex is a bit awkward even for two adults when they do it the first time.

Simon writes, "I have a good friend who is a bit of a busty woman. I want our bond to become closer. I want to make love to her. She has not said that she does not want it in our relationship but she seems uncertain. She seems cautious. It may be because she is busty that she is hesitant. Might this be the reason? Might there be other reasons why she seems uncertain? How can I get her to think about us being intimate? How can I make her feel comfortable about her body? How can I get her to explore her sexuality? If we do it, are there certain positions that work better for lovemaking with a busty woman?"

It is common to be reluctant about having sex until you are positively sure about a relationship. Sex brings a level of intimacy that is not easy to forget.

I would seriously doubt that her being busty has much to do with it, unless of course, her being busty also means that she has sagging breasts and fat in all the wrong places. Remember that many women with large chests are almost always also fat. Only a rare woman will be busty (without breast augmentation) and be skinny at the same time. If she is out of shape she may have low self esteem and that may be the reason for her reluctance.

In my opinion, sex is the celebration of love. If you demonstrate your love to her and prove that you like her for being what she is rather than some kind of a movie star, she will understand that you will accept her body as it is. You can enhance her self esteem by praising her looks and making her feel good about her body.

Regarding suitable position, I am not sure that there are any, unless she is overweight. If she is too fat then you may realize that traditional position likes missionary or woman on top may not work so smoothly because of the fat in the pelvic area. In that case, it requires a little adjustment so that you can penetrate her all the way.

Elizabeth writes, "I am asking about my son. He is a senior in high school and has a girlfriend. They seem to care about each other a lot. He has been taking a sex education class at school. He has said to me that now he is taking this course that he thinks that he should be allowed to have sex in his room with his girlfriend who he says that he loves. He said that in the other subjects in school he is given a chance to practice what he has learned at home. He asks why not with sex. He said that he is curious about sex and wants to try the different positions he has heard about. I guess this is normal he said that he wants to make sweet passionate love to his girlfriend. I don’t know if he knows what making love is about. I know my son’s girlfriend’s mom and she mentioned that her daughter asked her about good positions to use during the first time. Being a mom I am concerned but at the same time I want my son to have a good first time. He mentioned for a gift he would like to have a time and place in which he could make love to his girlfriend. I am debating whether it is ok or not. Any considerations? Is it true if I say no is he and his girlfriend are just going to have sex anyway but just not at home? Being a mom I am concerned but at the same time I don’t want to present sex as being wrong or dirty. He does have a loving relationship but is young. Any information about this?"

First of all, you should feel lucky and proud of raising a son that actually waited this long and then asked his mother's permission. The average age at which kids lose virginity is 13 (and even those stupid virginity pledges do not work) and almost always parents have no clue when it happens. So it is awesome that he is including you in the process and it is great that the girl's mom is aware/supportive.

I am one of those people that believe that if parents teach reading, writing, using knife/fork/, driving, and all the other hundreds of things that will make them successful in life, why not sex? And why stop them from having it when they will go ahead and do it anyway. By teaching them about sex in a healthy way, the parents can make sure that they just don't have it with a random person and also use protection.

Yes, it may be difficult for them to know all the emotional things related to relationships (and I guess even for us adults it is a work-in-progress) and you can help him to some extent. It is great to talk about all the issues related to love and sex in a frank and honest manner to develop a healthy attitude towards sex, respect for women, and being responsible about it.

That is why I encourage you to give him this as a gift complete with a condom. I am assuming that you will be able to provide them with complete privacy for a night or so at least.

I wrote previously about how to offer sex as a birthday gift. I have an email from a reader and she writes, "I am having a birthday party for my boyfriend. We will have some friends come over to celebrate. I have asked him what he wants for his birthday and he told me about a few regular things that he would wish for. I think that he would really like to have sex on his birthday. I know I would. This seems like a great time to express our love to each other physically. What do you think? I have several questions. Maybe you could answer them."

Note: The answers below are to questions that almost any girl or man would have before making love for the first time, be it before marriage, or as it happens in some situations, on the wedding night.

Could you give me some advice of what to wear at the birthday party that I am having?

My recommendation would be to dress more or less like you would at any other birthday party for a friend. Try to recall how you and your friends have dressed in the past and how you expect your friends to show up this time. I think you do not want to over- or under-dress.

I want to give him a hint of what is to come but do not want to overdo with the other guests present at the party. Is there a way I can give him hints without the others seeing?

It seems difficult to do, particularly if you want to keep it a secret from friends. Can you tie a ribbon in your hair? Ribbons signify gifts; so maybe he will get a hint while others might simply think it is a cute hair accessory.

When the party is ending how do I get the other people to leave without my boyfriend leaving? I do not want it make it obvious to the other what is going on.

There are a few ways to do it. Pick what works best for your situation. Tell your BF via phone/email right now that it will be nice if he stays back after the party to help out with cleaning and dishes, but then, others might offer to help out too. Tell him at the party that you have a special personal gift for him that you are too embarrassed to give in front of everyone. Can he just stay behind after the party or come back later? That might be the perfect plan, I think. It will also give him a hint but still keep him guessing.

How should I let my boyfriend know that I am ready and would like to have sex with him? We have talked about it in the past. Should I let him know of my wishes before the party? How?

Nope. It will be nice to let it happen naturally that day. That is where the surprise comes in.

When the other guest leave how can I turn the topic to what I am about to do? Should this be done through giving him a note? What should the note say? Should this be done through speaking? What should be said? Should this be done through action? If so what?

Wear some item of lingerie that resembles a gift, let your dress drop to the floor, or even better, wear a dress that has a knot at the back of the neck and ask him to untie his personal special gift. From then on he will know what is he getting.

What kind of activities should be done before undressing?

I think when you two are alone, just relax, and talk like you always would. And then at some point when you think you are ready, just ask him, "Do you want your special gift?" and ask him to untie the ribbons/knot.

What kinds of kissing should be done before undressing? Should I start with a soft kiss or dive into a passionate one? What parts on a clothed body should I kiss? Where would he like to be kissed? How long do couples tend to kiss before taking their clothes off?

Do not try to choreograph everything as if this were an opera. A lot will depend on his reactions so act according to the situation and just do what feels right at that point. There is no good or bad way. Kiss the way you feel like and the part that you want. I have no idea what kind of a man he is and how he will react but just do what makes you feel great and he will respond the right way. Maybe he will be very eager to really open his gift and it might happen even before you actually kiss. So simply be prepared for anything.

How will we know when it is time to remove our clothes? Should I ask him to undress or just undress him? Should we undress in the bedroom or can we strip en route? Should kissing be involved in undressing? If so, how?

Since he will be seeing you naked for the first time I will guess that he is ready to do it sooner rather than later unless he is really nervous and shy or hesitant to do it. Maybe he is not sure if you are ready to undress completely. So if he does not do it, ask him to do it for you. I think a lot might be going on including kissing as you undress each other or yourself so do not try to plan each activity. Just go with the flow.

Should talking be done while we are kissing and undressing? What should be said?

I am hoping that you will be engaging in small talk and being playful/naughty with each other. So just relax and do not worry about a script for talking.

What should be done when we get done undressing?

It is common to touch, feel, and kiss your partner's body.

How can I make the bedroom romantic?

As discussed previously, music, lamps, and candles will be great.

What can I do to move us to the bed?

Just pull him or go sit/lie down on the bed whenever you feel like.

What activities should we do as part of foreplay?

Kissing, saying sweet nothings, touching, grabbing, rubbing, biting, licking, etc. are great acts.

Where on his naked body should I kiss? Is there an order that he would enjoy?

I am hoping that you will start with the lips and face and go down from there. The neck and nipples are very sensitive areas too.

How much touching and kissing should be done before I move to his organ? How will I know when to move down there?

Just long enough for him to get erect. I think since it is first time for him, he will get an erection in no time and then you don't want to waste too much time. In case he does not get hard, kissing and playing with his private parts should give do the trick.

How will I know where and how he likes to be touched?

By his responses. But lips, back of ears, neck, nipples, privates, inner thighs, etc. are all quite sensitive.

How should I let him know where I would like to be touched and kissed?

Tell him so. I hope you already know what are your sensitive parts. A man knows a bit but the best way is to just tell him.

How long do couples tend to do foreplay?

Depends how long they have been together. In any case, all the little playful talk about special gift and all is part of foreplay. But definitely 5-15 minutes will be a good start.

How will we know when it is time to move to intercourse? How can I take the lead? Should it be done through speaking, action, or both? Is there a way to know when he is ready?

Since you are doing it for the first time, he may not know how far you are ready to go but with the way things will progress, I think he will. He will be ready when he has an erection and you will be ready when you feel that you are totally wet. Make sure that you have several condoms available (remember this is your responsibility and do not expect him to have them) because not only you do not want to be pregnant you want to prevent yourself from diseases. And condoms also provide lubrication. I strongly encourage you not to have it without condoms. If he refuses, it is time to tell him that you will never do it till you are ready to become a mom. You can just fool around then and maybe just masturbate each other.

If we want to change can you suggest other positions and give advice on how to switch to these without being awkward?

Just ask him, "Let us try this position," and then move to it. Personally I would suggest that you stick to one position for one session of lovemaking. Only very experienced men can manage to change positions in the middle of the action. And next time you do it, just suggest that you would like to be on top or try rear entry or do it on the floor or the kitchen table or whatever.

How do I tell if he is enjoying it?

Sounds, facial expression, and body movements should indicate if he is enjoying himself. You can always ask him, "Do you like it?"

Should talking be part of the the ? What should be said?

Say what you want. Some women like to be quiet, others make a lot of noise, and a few talk dirty.

How long does the first intercourse experience last?

Like anything else first intercourse is very awkward, even for grownups. But no one lasts as long as movies might make you believe. A few minutes is all it takes.

What can be done after intercourse? What do men like to do after it?

Just lie and down and relax. You will feel tired and very relaxed, so enjoy the moment. So will he.

How do we tell if our love making was good or bad?

How did you feel? Did you like it? Did you feel intense pleasure? You will know how he did. And how he felt? Just ask him.

How can I suggest making love again in the morning?

I think you can have sex 2-3 times that evening before sleeping. After the first time, most couples take a short break and they can start again, but again it all depends on the mood and timing and how sleepy you both are.

How can I suggest making love again in the morning?

Most likely he would want it himself and no suggestion would be needed from you. From all I know, you might have to tell him NO at some point. In any case, the kissing and touching him will be a good sign that you want to make love in the morning.

Samantha writes, "My boyfriend and I are into each other and have been dating for a while. We both have said that we want to make love and want it to be special. We have talked about it and decided that it should be with someone special. We both consider the other special enough for it. For his birthday I would like to give him the gift of ME. I think it will be a gift that I am likely to enjoy. What advice do you have about this birthday gift? Is the bed the best location for first time sex? How much time should we allow? Should we plan on from bedtime to morning? I want it to be a surprise for him. What advice do you have for making it a surprise? Would there be a way of letting him know about his gift without saying what I have planed for him? Do you have some advice for starting out? Do you have some advice for knowing when he is ready for intercourse? What position is the best for first time? Could we use more than one?"

Well, it is great that you both have waited a long time to have sex. That means that your relationship is solid and is based on something deeper rather than just casual attraction.

Regarding your idea of offering yourself as a gift for his birthday is awesome. I think he will appreciate it and hopefully it will be a sweet memory for you too.

There is no rule that the bed is the best place for sex of any type. In my opinion wherever a couple is in the mood, they can have a great time, provided it is comfortable for both of them. Obviously, a bed is always comfortable and after sex the couple can just lie cuddling and even go to sleep (not the case if you do it in a car or the kitchen).

Regarding time needed, I would suggest that schedule as much as possible, and if you get the whole night that is great, because you can then have lots of foreplay, sex, and then chat after sex before going to sleep.

And it is a great idea to keep it as a surprise. My recommendation would be not give him any hints at all. I think he expects a gift and if he knows nothing the surprise will be the greatest.

The best way to start out will be to buy some lingerie that looks likes ribbons. I remember one woman who wrote to me. She simply tied herself in silk ribbon covering her breasts and pubic area. Then he brought her boyfriend to her bedroom, put him to sit down on the edge of the bed, unzipped her dress to let it drop to the floor. Then she invited him to open the gift. He knew exactly what that meant. They had a memorable birthday celebration. You could try something along those lines.

Remember that a man is generally ready before a woman but he will most likely tell you (directly or indirectly) that he wants to be inside you. A good erection is a positive sign that he is ready to penetrate. And I would suggest not to wait too long.

Regarding the best position, each couple has their own preferences that they discover over time. My wife loves the missionary position but my favorite is her on top. So pick one and try another one till you find ones that work for both of you. There are so many ways that you can achieve orgasm each one pleases both partners in different ways.

Let me know if you need more help in planning it, and obviously, it will be great if you write back with details on how it turned out. I like to know if my advice was helpful.

Tiffany writes, "I am what some may describe as a busty woman. I have been divorced for about four months. Lately I have been getting closer and spending more time with a younger man. I enjoy him. I have suspected that he wants to become more intimate. I am guessing that he may want to make love to me. I am thinking about whether it would be appropriate or not to have it him. He is a nice man and I like the attention from him. It may be too close to my divorce to consider being so close to someone. Also being on the busty side I don’t want him to become turned off if and when he sees me without clothes. I have talked to several of my women friends about him. One said not to worry about him becoming turned off and that there maybe a possibility that he wants to love all of me. She said that if that is the case what would be wrong with it. Another lady friend of mine said that we are both single and that our age difference should not be an issue in us having physical intimacy. She also said that if a younger man finds you attractive and wants to do it what is wrong with that. She also said that I may enjoy lovemaking again and may like the experience of having it with a younger man. Is there any truth in these statements? Are there common reason that younger men want older women? If he wants to love me and he uses the physical expression of sex to do that it may be OK. I don’t want to just be a tool in which he uses me to have an experience with an older woman. How can I know of his intentions? If and when I consider sleeping with him what things should be part of our relationship? What things should we do/have done before considering going to bed? Sex may be a wonderful way to express one's feelings, one's love, one's commitment. How can I be sure that our lovemaking will have these elements? How can I be sure of his commitment before as well as after we do it? We don’t want to have a baby but what are some things that we each could gain by? If we do it, how can I be sure that he will like my body ? As a woman with big breasts, what can I do to make the experience good for him? As a curvaceous woman, what positions work best?"

It is understandable why a man that likes you and you like him wants to make love to you. He is obviously attracted to you and feels sexual attraction towards you. I am not convinced that a woman has to wait a certain period of time before having sex after divorce. If the opportunity is right, you are free to make love to anyone you like.

Now unless you have been covering yourself in bedsheets all this time, this guy should have a fairly good idea of how you look. In other words, he likes you the way you are and I very much doubt if he will be turned off. Any man with a functioning brain knows how women look at different ages and there should be nothing surprising there. Most likely he really likes your body. It is wrong to think all men like only skinny girls. Men are attracted to all kinds of women, and the most important thing is that emotional connection. Once that happens looks are really secondary.

I also think that your girlfriends are right in everything they say. The age difference should not be an issue if you are otherwise a good couple. If he likes you and you like him, you will enjoy making love to him. Who knows he might turn out to be a better lover when you can take the role of the more experienced partner and let him take some tips from you.

I think there are some men who have a fetish for a mature woman and are fascinated by the idea of having sex with someone who has lots of experience. She can teach him, a mature woman can be more patient, and often even be better lover than him. A woman of same age can be impatient and not always appreciative of her lover's performance. In rare cases, a man might see his mother in his lover, which is kind of very complex Freudian analysis of such relationships.

I think if you are not sure that this man wants a serious relationship -- and time will tell that -- then I totally understand why it does not make sense to make love to him right away. It is something to discuss with him honestly and frankly that what he is looking for and do you both see a meaningful future for your relationship.

I guess regardless of the age difference you have to do the things that any woman has to do in a relationship. Learn more about him and his plans for the relationship with you. What does he want? Is it what you want too? Are you just hanging out or is there a future here? There is no good answer to when you should have sex. Some women will have it on the third date while others wait till they are married. It all depends on the relationship. If you emotionally and physically want it, then you know you are ready.

To me sex is a celebration of a couple's love for each other. We all have sexual needs and when he is investing all this time into the relationship, obviously, sex is his way of telling you that he wants you all, not just chats and movies.

Now I don't know how you look and how you look without clothes, but most likely he will like you the way you are. Don't get too bogged down with it because that will only make you too self-conscious. In any case, since we all have not-so-attractive parts in our bodies, my advice to women is to show off what is great and hide what is not so great. While I don't know this but if you have a big bust but not so great legs, well then show off your chest in a beautiful bra but wear a longer skirt like sleepwear to hide the legs. You get the idea.

I am yet to meet a man who does not like a woman's breast, so use your breasts effectively, even as a sex organ, I can add. I am yet to meet a man who disliked his body, particularly his sex organs, massaged by breasts. Regarding sex positions, just go with the flow; I do not think breast size makes a big difference as long as your breasts are right in front of him and he can either look at them or touch them or kiss/suck them while making love.

Kristin writes, "I'm only shy when it comes to making love. What I am trying to say is that professionally or in public settings, I am not shy. But I never initiate sex and I don't engage in it. Like, I don't make noise and I rarely kiss my husband during sex. I'm crying as I type because I know I have a serious problem and I know I'm frustrating my husband and eventually will hurt my marriage. I want to be freaky and enjoy my husband but I don't. Before my marriage, I was the same way with guys especially because I knew that it wasn't a commitment. Now that I'm committed, it's now hurting me. Not sure if it stems from me not seeing my father show affection with my mother or what, but I would think that I would better be good at this. When we do have sex now it just 'wham bam thank you Ma'm." He's frustrated, I know. That's why I'm having this problem. I also feel now that if I try to change he isn't gonna appreciate it. Just yesterday we talked and he told me that I don't excite him anymore. I need help."

I am so sorry to hear that you were crying while writing this and when you wrote above that "Just yesterday we talked and he told me that I don't excite him anymore" your problem is serious enough. Generally that is a very strong sign that a man is frustrated and is either likely to cheat or stop loving you or even ask for a divorce. And trust me, as a man I can tell you that love is important but sex is definitely #1 for any man.

And I think your current behavior it may have little do with your upbringing. My father died when I was a little boy and my mother did not have a relationship after that but I grew up to be a normal man with healthy sexual appetite.

The good news is that the way you can learn to drive a car or cook a new dish or learn to speak Chinese, you can learn how to enjoy sex too. Like anything else, all it requires is an inquisitive mind, patience, and hard work.

Now do not expect to become a sex goddess overnight but the way you have learned everything else in life, you can learn how to do this too well by taking one step at a time.

Simon writes, "I am about to start dating a Japanese woman, and well I have to say I have a healthy libido so to speak. One of the reasons I am writing to you is I don't want to frighten off the lady when it comes to the physical aspect of the relationship. She is slightly older than I am. I would say I am quite a dominant person but can play the other role if needed. The main thing is I again don't want to scare her off and I want to attend to her needs as well. I know there is a bit of a cultural difference, I know how to speak the language so I can respond in that way but any other advice would be helpful. There's just that little bit of fear with the unknown there for me."

I think your fears are well founded but what I am realizing is that you might have these issues with any woman, not just a Japanese.

My experience with Japanese women and the discussions I have had with hundreds of men over the years on this topic tell me that Japanese women try very hard to please and will do things that other women might say no to. So there is a possibility that you might not even realize when you are pushing her too hard.

So I would say that you should start slowly and take one step at a time. I don't think you want to do everything in your head the very first time unless she strongly signals to you that that is what she also wants. Making love has to a process in which both partners learn more about each other little by little.

How can I become more active in bed?

Lucy writes, "I have trouble sexually expressing myself. I am very shy and I am not affectionate. I hardly do anything in bed and now it's to the point that my husband just has sex to satisfy himself. Please help."

A lot of people do not realize it, but our society teaches us everything all the way from Math to language to driving to using a fork and knife, but no one sits down with you to teach you to how to make love, one of the most important reasons for our very existence.

On the contrary, many parents and religious leaders do not tire of telling us that sex is bad, sinful, and why not to do it. While many of us pick it up through trial and error or by watching others do it, many just don't have the means to learn it from books and videos.

In other words, it is OK not to know what you don't and it isn't your fault. What is important is that you have recognized what you don't know and it is great that you want to do something to fix the situation.

I know you have written very little and the subject is too complex to respond based on what you have written (I advise you to write in detail about what you know, what you don't, and how is your intimate life right now), but I will give you some initial advice.

How to sexually express yourself?

Before you can express yourself, you have to know yourself and your body. To know yourself, think of what turns you on. You can know this by thinking about your feelings while watching television, the type of movies that turned you on, or the pictures that make you full of desire. Some women get turned on by muscular men, others like cute, playful men, while others may want something entirely different. Try to know what you like because that will help you create the right setting for making love.

How to conquer shyness?

It is a slow process but it can be done. Try to open up to your close family members and friends. You can even join websites and forums and share yourself anonymously. It will make your shyness go away over a period of time. Shyness is merely our fear of expressing ourselves; once we get the self confidence, we can also be more natural in front of others.

How to be affectionate?

I think everyone is affectionate; I have read that even criminals are affectionate towards their loved ones. What you are lacking right now is the ability to show affection due to your being shy and having trouble expressing yourself. As you become more confident about your needs, you will also feel more confident being affectionate.

How to be active in bed?

Without knowing much, I am guessing that you simply lie down and let your partner do all the work. I think a good starting point to get active is to do more of what feels good. For example, if a particularly position or angle gives you more pleasure, make sure that you position your body the right way to enjoy this longer.

Also don't hesitate to do whatever else you feel like doing. As an example, if kissing is your thing, then kiss your husband while you make love. Eventually, I would like you to reach a point that you will tell your husband what to do and how to do it to please you.

That is why I would suggest that you also explore your body. It is wrong to think that all women are the same and there is only one way for women to feel pleasure. Many women do not orgasm during intercourse but will orgasm through kissing. Others enjoy cuddling while some like aggressive sex or even roleplay. So learn more about your body by looking at it and touching it in every possible way to find out what pleases you.