Jessica writes, "Before I got married I had been secretly dating this married man and I loved him so much but unfortunately I got pregnant with my boyfriend's baby and I got married to my boyfriend but never loved him like this married man. Now I have two kids but I still love this married man very much and I wish we could continue our relationship because I really don't love my hubby. I need your advice."

How to approach a married ex-boyfriend?

You are in a very precarious situation. The first thing that you have to do is to have a heart-to-heart talk with this married boyfriend of yours to find out if he is willing to leave his wife for you. Many men in such situations are not willing to do so and that is why they have affairs rather than divorce their wives and marry another woman. I am not sure if he will be too thrilled with the idea of leaving his family and marry another woman with two kids. However, if he is ready to marry you, then you can consider a divorce and marry the love of your life. Yes, it will be painful for two people, but at least two of you will be happy.

I can totally understand why you don't love your husband and I am assuming that you have done your best to try to love him. If there is hope you can try to fall in love with your husband. If not, then think about how life will be for you as a single mother and if you can raise two kids on your own. If that is possible, it is a good idea to get a divorce so that you can then focus on finding another man that you can actually love. It is a waste of time to be in a marriage without love.

I would not recommend an extramarital affair with that married man at this point.

Nina writes, "As a married woman in a relationship with a married man who is not committed 100% to me, I am realizing that I might never achieve full satisfaction from the relationship and he may not always be there for me. After talking to you for a while, I think I'll try to slowly get out from this relationship. No doubt it hurts very very much. It's the best path forward for the both of us and there is no need for me to die every day like this."

Married men are committed to their wives and children too

I was so happy to read your email that you are finally starting to realize that this relationship is not going to be fulfilling the way you want it and it is best to get out of it. And no, there is absolutely no reason for you to die for him and miss out on life.

Life is short and you want to make it work with what you have. There are certain things that you just cannot have (and this man is one of them) and it is futile to waste time on those. I mean I cannot be a movie star or football player or an astronaut or marry Megan Fox but that is OK because I can be what I am now and I have made peace with myself.

You can either try to see how you can have a more meaningful relationship with your husband or just take the bold step of leaving him and start a new life the way you want. Yes, it is risky and dangerous, but you have only one chance at life. I do not like talk of death and killing oneself; I want you to go for your dream with all that you got. If I understand it right, you seem to be financially independent. If you don't need your husband for financial support and if you don't love, what the hell are you doing wasting your time with him and being miserable each and every day.

So share the good news with him some day and tell me that you have dumped your boyfriend and considering leaving your husband or patched up with your husband. That will really make me happy because that is what will make you happy.

Sheila, a married woman, is dating her married colleague. Their relationship is not a secret but everyone accepts it for a variety of reasons. "It is true that my hubby hurt him a week ago because he just wants him to stay away from me. Since then he has been very cold towards me. I have been suspecting that he is now cheating on me with another girl in the office. Frankly I really love this man so much that if he tries to cheat on me I will kill myself. My whole family does not support me because of my situation and so I've only got him. What do you think? Whenever I talk about our relationship he still claims that he loves me more than anything in this world. He has to take care of his family because that is his responsibility but he must love me till death does us apart. What do you think? I'm so confused. Please help me."

Relationship with a married person is not practical

You have to realize that when you are dating a married man (even worse, while you are married) it is naive to expect that this man will love you alone (regardless of what he says to please you). It is just the fact and you have to accept it. The reason you are confused is because you want to live in a world that is not real. You want to live in a world of movies and novels. Unfortunately, in the real world, he has a family that he goes to each night and maybe he likes you too, but you cannot be the center of his life, especially if your husband is threatening to kill him.

I am assuming that your current situation is the best that you can have, but I think you should be happy with whatever time and love he can give you, given the circumstances. He has a family and it is not right for you to expect that he will give it all up when his life is under threat.

My personal suggestion would be that you ask him to divorce his wife and you divorce your husband. If he refuses to do so, it means that his love is not true. Without two of you divorcing, you will never get his true love, and you will always be lonely and sad because your husband does not love you either. Be brave and do what makes sense rather than live in this confusing arrangement. I don't know of anyone who can find true love with a married man forever.

In response to my article about married men looking to meet married women who are in sexless relationships like them (that is, they are not getting any sex from their spouses but are not interested in divorce for a variety of reasons), I heard from a reader, who says, "I am in exactly the same situation. I have been without any sex for the last 5 years, and unenthusiastic sex for 21 years before that. It seems like there is no honest way for a married person to find another married person who has been left in the lurch sexually. I even started my own support group for people in this boat but no luck find a woman in my area. Men should try the Experience Project; they have a group for the sexless marriage, and also a group for the sex staved sexless spouse."

Jason writes, "I am married to a wonderful woman. The problem is, she does not enjoy sex, I DO. Do I want to leave her? NO. We have tried counseling, she doesn't like going. We have tried sexual aids, she thinks it's weird. And still, I am yearning for the days of mad sex every night. So I'm 50, did my tallywacker die? No. Isn't there some woman that have the same issue only with their man and want to meet? Can't I find some sex crazed female that wants nothing more than to be mutual sex toys? Is there anything wrong with that? Usually, you spend months looking online and spend hours fruitlessly contacting women who say they only want sex, but really want more. Or they aren't real! or they are totally dishonest. Just say it like it is, I need and want it but don't plan on leaving my spouse. I'm not perfect but boy can I do it. What are my options?"

Dating for married people looking for a lover

Trust me you are not alone, if that gives you any comfort. That is why a whole bunch of websites have popped up trying to match sex-starved married people. Unfortunately, they are full of whores looking for customers.

In other words, it is not easy, and understandably so. Having a solid relationship like that is hard to find and many of my readers have told me that even mistresses can be too much work and often very manipulative.

Having said that, many people do find mutually beneficial relationships the old fashioned way. By hooking up with people that they already know through something else. Remember that the biggest barrier for a married woman (I strongly suggest married only because most single women eventually want to fall in love and marry you) to engage in a relationship like this is the fear of getting caught. However, if it is someone that they know well and trust, it is easier for them to take the plunge.

So look at the pool of people that you know and guess who could be in this situation. Also expand your circle. Get active in local community activities, join some interest based groups that attract women in your age group, and keep trying. It will be easier than you had ever imagined.

Lata writes, "I am an Indian female, 41, married and committed adultery with a 55 year old married man. We are colleagues and know each other when I started working at his office 16 years ago, but we have been close only for the past 10 years. His and my family knows about us but still we never let go our relationship but recently my husband hurt this man. Still my lover and I never let each other go. Now it seems that he is trying to avoid me. In the past we went out only once a month and spent a few hour together but we talk often on the phone. Now he hardly calls me but always accuses me that I am keeping a distance from him. What is going on?"

Why is my boyfriend avoiding me?

There are two possibilities of change in his behavior.

One, someone has told him to stay away from you. Maybe there is a threat involved. Could it be your husband? You say that he recently hurt your lover.

Two, he has found another woman or got bored with you or his wife has threatened to leave him.

His cold behavior may be his indirect way of telling you to go away.

In any case, I am simply not in favor of dating married people and then expecting that it will be the same as if it were two single people.

Liz dated a married man and then broke up with him after realizing that he merely wanted her as a mistress and was not interested in a long term relationship with her nor could she force the married boyfriend to divorce his wife. He has insisted on seeing her and she has been tempted. "I really don't want to see him again, but I know it's easier said than done. He is a computer science professor and I am studying information technology and actually that is how we hooked up. He promised to help me with my courses and also talked about helping me find employment after I graduate. He calls me now saying we should meet, when he comes back from a business trip,that he wants to take me out, and that we should spend the night together and nothing will happen. I told him that is not possible and I will not allow it. But I just don't know if I should cut all connections with this man. He has connections that might be needed in the future. He is kinda influential in some circles and can open many doors for me, literally changing my life. What do you think?"

No, please do not get in touch with him again. It will be impossible to maintain just a professional relationship with him after all that you went through (romantic and sexual relationship). He is using his power, money, and influence to charm you and looks as if you are still charmed by him. Yes, losing him will be a loss and may hurt you in terms of your career, but I know that sometimes you have to take difficult decisions. You already have a boyfriend and this man is not for you. He is married anyway.

Based on what you have told me all this time, it is a terrible idea to meet him again even for a cup of coffee together. Are you really that naive to believe that "we should spend the night together and nothing will happen" means that you will write apps for iPhone? Why would a married man want to spend a night with a woman he once had sex with? To have sex, obviously.

Please forget this man. There is nothing in it for you. Maybe he might help you out in some way but the price that you will have to pay is very high. It is best to go ahead through your skills rather than paying for his help with sex.

A girl who dated a married man briefly broke up with him on my advice. She writes, "He asked if we could see each other even if it's just for him to drop off the gifts he bought for me. What do you think? I have made up my mind, though, not to have anything sexual with him ever again. I plan to see him at a public place."

I do not think that it is a good idea for you to meet him or to accept any thing that he bought for you. It would be inappropriate to accept gifts after you have broken up. He is simply trying to manipulate you yet again into making you feel that you will now owe him something and those gifts will motivate you revive your relationship with him. Once it is over, it is over. So if you want to continue to seek my advice, please do not meet with him because I will be very disappointed in you.

Megan writes, "I am seeing a married man for the past year now, so far every thing has been good until he ran out of money and went back home to his wife. We were staying at a motel for 3 months, so, he had to go back home. He says nothing is going on with him and his wife for the last 3 years. He got a settlement; I was with him when he received it. Also I have seen bank statements. I am not at the motel anymore, I'm living in my car, and I am a widow. We met at a barbecue; he told me she did him wrong by keeping personal stuff from him until a family member of hers told him about the situation. He bought me a car with some of the settlement money. He tells me he loves me every day. I have even been in his house. Just wanna know if he's being honest with me. It was his choice for the relationship. Yeah, I knew he was married, even some of her people have seen us out together, but no one has said anything to her. What do you think?

I have heard from several women in your situation recently. Did he say anything about coming back? Do you have a place to go?

The whole thing is very weird. Do you really think he ran out of money? I can understand that his marriage is broken and he has not had sex with her for a long time (by the way, this is also a common excuse by married men in manipulating women like you in letting them have sex with them) but why would he go back to her?

It is not a lot of fun when you have no money and date a man who is also broke. I would suggest that you be very careful. I think he may be telling the truth but people without money are often very desperate and can fuzz the truth to get what they want.

What good is to be with this man who has no money, is married, and has gone back to his wife out of desperation?

You have a lot of thinking to do about him. Love without money is very hard -- trust me. I know it from hearing some very sad stories.

Carla writes, "I am a married woman and have been dating a married man for 3 years. Both of our spouses know about the relationship. We both have a minor child; mine 9 and his 12. At first he would tell me that he will leave when his child graduates from high school but now he's saying that he will leave now if I (we) could come up with a feasible plan. He also says that if I wanted him I would have him by now. We live thousands and of miles apart and see each other regularly but there's not a day that goes by that we don't speak with one another. We both argue continuously with our spouses about this relationship and want to know why the two of us can''t leave each other alone. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. He has even threatened to hurt me if I attempted to leave him. I need your help. Is this true love? Will he ever leave? We understand that this will hurt both of our families but what is a plan if there is such a thing that will help alleviate some of the pain?"

I am actually in the process of helping a woman in very similar circumstances. Here are my thoughts:

1. It is generally a bad idea to let your spouse know or found out about your adultery. I am not saying that you did it so on purpose, but, it just makes things difficult.
2. If you didn't know this, but, women genuinely fall in love while some men will say so that they have fallen in love merely to keep the relationship alive. I am not saying that this man does not love you, but clearly you love him more than he does. Maybe my definition of love is old-fashioned, but men have given up their crowns for love, fought battles, gave up everything they had, and this man is giving you the run around to divorce his wife. I mean, give me a break.
3. Men often feel a great sense of responsibility towards their families (not necessarily their wives). That makes it rather hard for them to leave their spouses because it breaks up the family.
4. Many coward men use manipulative techniques (like making you feel guilty, or sowing a doubt in your mind that if your love was deep enough for him he would have left already, or promising to hurt you if you left) to keep the women hooked to them and not ask for too much. I have heard from men who were doing this to more than one woman in different locations while they had a supposedly "happily married" wife at home.
5. Are you sure that he loves you or is it that you simply expect him to love you because you do?

The advice that I will give you is the same that I am giving to the other lady. Stop taking BS from him and ask him point-black, if he he will leave his wife or not in the next 30 days. If not, you have to right to terminate the relationship, get a restraining order against him, and notify the local police in his town so that he does not hurt others and/or himself. And there will be no compromises, no extensions, no time to think, and all the other hundreds of excuses and manipulative techniques he will come up with (I know way too many scoundrels like this who play with emotions of women as if they were playing a video game).

If he refuses to marry you and accept you as his wife right away, you should either separate from your husband (I am assuming that your marriage is totally broken by now) or beg forgiveness from him. With a strong commitment on your part and help from counselor, friends, family members, religious person, and others that you trust, you can work on loving your hubby again. I know it can be done because the other woman is doing exactly that. She did what I told you and her so-called "love of my life" completely backed off when she had an adult conversation with him. Her husband did not know about her affair (thankfully) so it is easy for her to save her marriage.

I strongly suspect that this man is simply using you and he has destroyed your marriage under the pretext of loving you, but without doing anything a real lover does.

I want to share the story from a reader who broke up with a married, older man. She writes, "It's not easy breaking up with a mature man. Such men are more confident and experienced and are relatively easy to talk to, and extremely friendly compared to men in my age group. He just said that he'll like us to be friends with no strings attached. He said that I can come see him any time and nothing will happen. I said no way. He suggested that we should meet at an eatery and talk things over. He continued to pressure me to call him if I ever wanted to and he'll not pressure me into doing anything that I did not want.

He praised my beauty and personality and how he has fallen for me due to my honesty. He kept on telling me how well we fit, how well we gel, and so on. He actually made me feel guilty, saying I am dumping him and that I owe him at least a few minutes to both sit down and talk things over, but I said NO. He said that he knows what is bothering me that it's because he is married and that I have a boyfriend. He said I should not worry since his wife is constantly traveling on business and can be gone for weeks at a time. I guess as much that he wants me to get used to the idea that I am no longer a virgin so henceforth there will be nothing stopping me again from actually having sexual intercourse with him, I do not want it this way. At least not with him."

Congratulations on being able to breakup successfully with him. What I would suggest is that from now on, you will promise me to not respond to this man if he wants to contact you again. He is a manipulator and sees you as naive and vulnerable due to your young age and lack of experience. What he is looking for is a sex partner since his wife is not with him. What will you gain at the end of this? He will go back to his wife and all he wants is someone to have sex with.

I want to emphasize that it is important for you NOT to have any more contact with him. This whole talk about being friends and no sex is just an excuse to maintain a relationship with you. It is OVER and any more contact means that you will not be able to move on.

Veronica writes, "I want to end an affair with a married man. Please tell me how do go about it? I have tried once but he gives all sorts of reasons why we should not end the relationship. Due to travel plans for both of us, we won't be seeing each other for two weeks, but I don't want to go back to the relationship. Please what do I do? The relationship is barely 2 months old. He is a nice person but I just don't feel it is not right to date a married man. Initially I was flattered that I have been approached by a married man which was why I gave in at first. I am wiser now but how to breakup is now the problem. Your advice is badly needed."

As I read your email, I am realizing that a part of you does not want to breakup with this man, and that is why you are having difficulty telling him to go away. So the first thing that you have to do is to tell your mind to stop listening to the heart. Convince yourself what you tell me. You have a boyfriend and it is not right for you to cheat on him if your relationship is otherwise good. Plus, relationship with a married man is generally one-sided (he can walk away any time to his wife and family and you would have lost many years finding a man who is not available, and thus, robbing you of the opportunity to develop a solid relationship with a single man). He gets all the benefits and unless you are getting expensive gifts, money, or awesome sex, you get nothing.

Based on above, the last thing he wants to do is to breakup with you. And if you sound tentative and hesitant, he will exploit. However, if you truly believe it and want to do it, you can breakup with him.

I know breaking up is not easy, and even more difficult if the other partner has done nothing wrong. Plus, looking into the eyes of the person and tell him to get lost is not easy to do. In such cases, the best thing to do is to breakup by email, considering that your relationship is just two months old. Write down a brief email telling him that you have a boyfriend and it is not right for you to cheat on him. You have realized your mistake and want to end the relationship immediately with him. If he has his things in your house, put them in a box and mail it to him. Tell him not to call you or show up at your house. DO NOT agree to meet to say goodbyes or talk about it. Now that you have decided to end the relationship, there is nothing to talk about. Maybe he will cry and beg, but trust me, he will be alright. He will either be happy with his wife or will find another girl like you.

Misty writes, "I met this guy in chat room about a year ago. The first time we chatted we exchanged basic info. He told me that he was married with kids and I told him that I was married too. We were both cool with that. We continued chatting and emailing each other on a daily basis and we were starting to really like each other. Then we finally decided to meet for the first time and everything was ok. In the weeks to come we chatted more and more. Then we started seeing each other more and more. It would be a short conversation after work once or twice a week. Then it was a small kiss when we would leave each other, nothing more than that. So a few months after seeing each other we decided to take our relationship to another level. We had sex about 4 months after us meeting and talking everyday. After that things were great. Then as time went on we started acting like a real couple; he would snap at me and I would snap at him and at the end of the day things would be back to normal. There were a few times that he would really hurt my feelings but I was so in love him I would ignore some of the things he did and said. Then one day out of the blue he told me that he loved me for the first time. I was so shocked; I didn't know what to say or how to react to it. When he said that I didn't say anything back because I wanted to keep some distance between us just in case we needed to walk away from each other since we were both married. As time went on we continued to have great conversation and great sex; it was like the perfect friendship. Then we finally came up with a plan to stay a night together which was the best night of my life. Even better than my honeymoon. And after that I finally decided to tell him that I was in love with him too. Only for him to tell me that he already knew; he was just waiting on me to say it. Then all of a sudden things started to change with us; we were talking less and sex was completely out of the question. It was like he didn't want to see me at all. I couldn't figure out why and he wouldn't talk to me. Then he told me one day that he was leaving the state because he had a job offer. That completely crushed me. As the time was coming for him to leave, we talked less and less. Those few weeks before he left I cried every night. I was trying so hard to keep my feelings under control so my husband wouldn't notice anything and that was the hardest thing for me to do. Then he finally left and I thought it would just end with me having a heartbreak but it didn't. I was preparing myself to deal with it and move on thinking we wouldn't talk again. So a few days after him leaving went by I cried because I'm in love with him but I was dealing with it. Then all of a sudden I get a text message from him saying that he loves me. Now I don't know what to think. He's been gone about 5 months now and whenever I think I'm not going to hear from him I get a message or email from him. I guess he is still thinking about me as much as I'm still thinking about him. I would call him and tell him that I love him and miss him but he don't really reply like he is hiding something. I honestly feel that something is there between us and we are just too afraid to act on it. I am so in love with him. I've never felt this way before and I am married. It's the chemistry we have when we are together. That's the reason I'm not giving up on this. Maybe I'm just crazy or maybe I'm seeing this wrong but my heart is telling me something different. What would you do if you were in love with a married man and you are married?"

I hope you realize that it is not easy dating a married person, and even more complicated for a married person to do so. It is not uncommon for married people to put their spouses first even if they wish otherwise.

That is exactly the situation for you two. He sure has problems in his marriage (apparently, so do you) and is struggling with the choice between his wife and you. He may love you but wants to stay in his marriage for, most likely, the sake of his kids. The reason he is not so forthcoming in his affection for you is that he thinks that the more he shares his feelings with you the more painful it will be for both of you.

Obviously, this is based on the assumption that you know all the facts, but as you suspect that he is hiding something, in that case, for all we know, he could have multiple lovers like you or not be married at all and just likes to play around with a lot of women so that he never has to marry any one of them but keeps all of them hooked by giving them signs of hope once in a while.

In my opinion, if I am married, and even if my marriage is perfect but I still fall in love with another married woman, I should leave my marriage and so should my lover. It is not fair for my wife to be married to a man who is not in love with her. And if my married lover is not willing to leave everything for me, then it is not love; it is just a relationship of convenience -- she is merely using me for her emotional needs.

In conclusion, I am not very hopeful that your relationship with this man has a future considering the facts of this case. If your current marriage has problems, it is best to work to resolve them, and if they are unresolvable, then there is no need to be miserable -- get a divorce. And as far as this guy is concerned, you have to finally tell him that either you end the relationship (and stop playing with your emotions) or he better leave his wife for you. I think he wants to have it both ways and right now he is the winner and you the loser.

I am dating a married man

Veronica writes, "I am now in a relationship with a man 18 years older than me. Ours is also a long distance relationship. We started as friends. Through the course of our communication, I found myself frequently chatting with him and talking over the phone. His intelligence, excellent demeanor, consistency in attitude and thinking, humor and sense of responsibility are the reasons that gravitated me towards him.

In the past, I have been praying for someone who has the same traits like he does. Apparently, he is very much married with two kids and was open about his status. The inevitable happened. I still allowed myself to fall for him. Initially though, I was restraining myself from engaging with him due to his status but he gently influenced me that the "journey" we are having is the most wonderful he has had.

I struggled with the thought that I could possibly be the reason for his permanent indifference towards his wife and would appease me that he can handle things without the wife knowing about us.

It pained me whenever he would naturally speak about his wife. There was jealousy brewing. On the other hand, I am thankful too that he is openly discussing this with me and later on learned to control my emotions when his wife is the topic.

My relationship with him is one year old now. He is an expat for a multinational company. When his meetings are done in other countries, he never fails to visit me and spend a couple of days with me. Also, I have wavered several times and was even wanting to get out of the relationship. However, he would gently cajole me to stay and not be hasty with my decision and does not like to leave me like a hot potato and not have any communication at all. In the end, he wins and I end up loving him more.

Lately, he would utter his "wishes" frequently. He would tell me that if only he wasn't married, he'd ask for my hand. Upon hearing those words from him, I cut him. I know my limitations, and though, I love him so much, I am not delusional to the point of him leaving his family for me although it could be possible. He explained to me that he never uses the word "cannot," he deems that it is a strong word (when I explained that we stop dwelling on his wishes since it cannot happen).

What does this mean? Although I always tell him that it wouldn't look good if he leaves his wife for me, I am also wishing silently that I could have him and live happily ever after. With the frequency he visits me, would you still consider that he is just infatuated with me or simply wants pleasure?

I find his sincerity genuine. Despite his meetings and busy schedule, he finds time to communicate with me and we manage to do it everyday, even on weekends when he is with his family. I have learned to love him and my feelings for him are very deep now. What should I do? Should I believe every word he tells me? With the "cannot" phrase, is he in some ways contemplating to perhaps be with me?"

Is this woman a mistress?

Dating a man in a relationship, particularly a marriage of many years with kids, is always a dangerous path for any woman. At least when a man lies about his relationship status, there is hope. Maybe he will leave the woman for you, but if he expresses helplessness, he has it all. He can have you as long as you are stupid enough to be with him and also have his legally-wedded wife. It is you who is the loser in the end. The time and emotional investment that you are making in him may all go waste (while you are getting old) if you realize at some point that he is not worth your efforts or if his wife finds out or if he gets tired of you.

Let me also play the Devil's advocate here. What if he has many other girlfriends/mistresses like you in other places? Are you sure that you are the only lover he has? For all I know, his romantic talk may just be the words that he needs to keep you (and a few others) interested in him. Many rich and successful men often do what this man does: have a few girlfriends in places where they cannot be caught. Yes, some day, one relationship might go sour but then he can simply move on to another one and come up with a story that seems to work all the time: a naive woman impressed by an intelligent, successful man who claims to be the victim in a marriage that is not working out too well but he is unable to leave it because of his being a family man.

The question that you have to ask yourself is what is it that you want out of this relationship. You say that you are "not delusional to the point of him leaving his family for me" or that "it wouldn't look good if he leaves his wife for me," but then, you also ask "is he in some ways contemplating to perhaps be with me?" I see many contradictions here (you say "I am also wishing silently that I could have him and live happily ever after").

Based on what you describe to me, he could very well be a genuinely nice man (instead of the evil man that he appears to be) who is stuck in a really bad marriage but if does not want to leave his wife and be with you, he is merely using you for his personal gain and you are not getting much out of it except a false sense of love and affection. As he has repeatedly hinted, he may not be able to get out of his marriage and in the end, you will be wondering where did your life go by.

I think if you are looking for attention from a smart, intelligent, likable guy, and nothing else (I hope he is giving you expensive gifts and awesome sex), it is fine to have this man, but if you want a solid relationship with a man that you can live with happily forever, get out now and find a single man.