Jessica writes, "Before I got married I had been secretly dating this married man and I loved him so much but unfortunately I got pregnant with my boyfriend's baby and I got married to my boyfriend but never loved him like this married man. Now I have two kids but I still love this married man very much and I wish we could continue our relationship because I really don't love my hubby. I need your advice."

How to approach a married ex-boyfriend?

You are in a very precarious situation. The first thing that you have to do is to have a heart-to-heart talk with this married boyfriend of yours to find out if he is willing to leave his wife for you. Many men in such situations are not willing to do so and that is why they have affairs rather than divorce their wives and marry another woman. I am not sure if he will be too thrilled with the idea of leaving his family and marry another woman with two kids. However, if he is ready to marry you, then you can consider a divorce and marry the love of your life. Yes, it will be painful for two people, but at least two of you will be happy.

I can totally understand why you don't love your husband and I am assuming that you have done your best to try to love him. If there is hope you can try to fall in love with your husband. If not, then think about how life will be for you as a single mother and if you can raise two kids on your own. If that is possible, it is a good idea to get a divorce so that you can then focus on finding another man that you can actually love. It is a waste of time to be in a marriage without love.

I would not recommend an extramarital affair with that married man at this point.

Nina writes, "As a married woman in a relationship with a married man who is not committed 100% to me, I am realizing that I might never achieve full satisfaction from the relationship and he may not always be there for me. After talking to you for a while, I think I'll try to slowly get out from this relationship. No doubt it hurts very very much. It's the best path forward for the both of us and there is no need for me to die every day like this."

Married men are committed to their wives and children too

I was so happy to read your email that you are finally starting to realize that this relationship is not going to be fulfilling the way you want it and it is best to get out of it. And no, there is absolutely no reason for you to die for him and miss out on life.

Life is short and you want to make it work with what you have. There are certain things that you just cannot have (and this man is one of them) and it is futile to waste time on those. I mean I cannot be a movie star or football player or an astronaut or marry Megan Fox but that is OK because I can be what I am now and I have made peace with myself.

You can either try to see how you can have a more meaningful relationship with your husband or just take the bold step of leaving him and start a new life the way you want. Yes, it is risky and dangerous, but you have only one chance at life. I do not like talk of death and killing oneself; I want you to go for your dream with all that you got. If I understand it right, you seem to be financially independent. If you don't need your husband for financial support and if you don't love, what the hell are you doing wasting your time with him and being miserable each and every day.

So share the good news with him some day and tell me that you have dumped your boyfriend and considering leaving your husband or patched up with your husband. That will really make me happy because that is what will make you happy.

Sheila, a married woman, is dating her married colleague. Their relationship is not a secret but everyone accepts it for a variety of reasons. "It is true that my hubby hurt him a week ago because he just wants him to stay away from me. Since then he has been very cold towards me. I have been suspecting that he is now cheating on me with another girl in the office. Frankly I really love this man so much that if he tries to cheat on me I will kill myself. My whole family does not support me because of my situation and so I've only got him. What do you think? Whenever I talk about our relationship he still claims that he loves me more than anything in this world. He has to take care of his family because that is his responsibility but he must love me till death does us apart. What do you think? I'm so confused. Please help me."

Relationship with a married person is not practical

You have to realize that when you are dating a married man (even worse, while you are married) it is naive to expect that this man will love you alone (regardless of what he says to please you). It is just the fact and you have to accept it. The reason you are confused is because you want to live in a world that is not real. You want to live in a world of movies and novels. Unfortunately, in the real world, he has a family that he goes to each night and maybe he likes you too, but you cannot be the center of his life, especially if your husband is threatening to kill him.

I am assuming that your current situation is the best that you can have, but I think you should be happy with whatever time and love he can give you, given the circumstances. He has a family and it is not right for you to expect that he will give it all up when his life is under threat.

My personal suggestion would be that you ask him to divorce his wife and you divorce your husband. If he refuses to do so, it means that his love is not true. Without two of you divorcing, you will never get his true love, and you will always be lonely and sad because your husband does not love you either. Be brave and do what makes sense rather than live in this confusing arrangement. I don't know of anyone who can find true love with a married man forever.

In response to my article about married men looking to meet married women who are in sexless relationships like them (that is, they are not getting any sex from their spouses but are not interested in divorce for a variety of reasons), I heard from a reader, who says, "I am in exactly the same situation. I have been without any sex for the last 5 years, and unenthusiastic sex for 21 years before that. It seems like there is no honest way for a married person to find another married person who has been left in the lurch sexually. I even started my own support group for people in this boat but no luck find a woman in my area. Men should try the Experience Project; they have a group for the sexless marriage, and also a group for the sex staved sexless spouse."

Jason writes, "I am married to a wonderful woman. The problem is, she does not enjoy sex, I DO. Do I want to leave her? NO. We have tried counseling, she doesn't like going. We have tried sexual aids, she thinks it's weird. And still, I am yearning for the days of mad sex every night. So I'm 50, did my tallywacker die? No. Isn't there some woman that have the same issue only with their man and want to meet? Can't I find some sex crazed female that wants nothing more than to be mutual sex toys? Is there anything wrong with that? Usually, you spend months looking online and spend hours fruitlessly contacting women who say they only want sex, but really want more. Or they aren't real! or they are totally dishonest. Just say it like it is, I need and want it but don't plan on leaving my spouse. I'm not perfect but boy can I do it. What are my options?"

Dating for married people looking for a lover

Trust me you are not alone, if that gives you any comfort. That is why a whole bunch of websites have popped up trying to match sex-starved married people. Unfortunately, they are full of whores looking for customers.

In other words, it is not easy, and understandably so. Having a solid relationship like that is hard to find and many of my readers have told me that even mistresses can be too much work and often very manipulative.

Having said that, many people do find mutually beneficial relationships the old fashioned way. By hooking up with people that they already know through something else. Remember that the biggest barrier for a married woman (I strongly suggest married only because most single women eventually want to fall in love and marry you) to engage in a relationship like this is the fear of getting caught. However, if it is someone that they know well and trust, it is easier for them to take the plunge.

So look at the pool of people that you know and guess who could be in this situation. Also expand your circle. Get active in local community activities, join some interest based groups that attract women in your age group, and keep trying. It will be easier than you had ever imagined.

Lata writes, "I am an Indian female, 41, married and committed adultery with a 55 year old married man. We are colleagues and know each other when I started working at his office 16 years ago, but we have been close only for the past 10 years. His and my family knows about us but still we never let go our relationship but recently my husband hurt this man. Still my lover and I never let each other go. Now it seems that he is trying to avoid me. In the past we went out only once a month and spent a few hour together but we talk often on the phone. Now he hardly calls me but always accuses me that I am keeping a distance from him. What is going on?"

Why is my boyfriend avoiding me?

There are two possibilities of change in his behavior.

One, someone has told him to stay away from you. Maybe there is a threat involved. Could it be your husband? You say that he recently hurt your lover.

Two, he has found another woman or got bored with you or his wife has threatened to leave him.

His cold behavior may be his indirect way of telling you to go away.

In any case, I am simply not in favor of dating married people and then expecting that it will be the same as if it were two single people.

Gilbert writes, "I like a married woman but I don't think she is interested. How do I find out. I just want to keep it casual, NSA. She is a really cool woman otherwise but I am afraid I will upset her if I tell her I want her."

As you said, she is not interested, but what makes you think so. Remember that many married women simply assume that no one will be interested in them (though vast majority of them are not interested because they are truly faithful). That means that you must make sure before assuming this that she is not interested and is not inclined to be persuaded either. So that you don't spoil your friendship with her and make a fool of yourself, please do not say anything directly or make a move. You have to watch her moves to see if she sees you as a "brother" or she gives out seductive signals.

Another way to test is to ask her hypothetical questions. For instance, if you are watching television and see Megan Fox, you could joke, "Gee I would give up anything in the world to spend a night with Megan Fox. I wouldn't care if I were married or if she were married. So who is your favorite man that you would do the same?" Keep it only as a joke. If she says that it is Wilmer Valderrama or whoever, you can guess that she is persuadable but if she comes out and scolds you for even asking that question or says that she will never do it because she is committed to her husband, you will know that you low probability of convincing her.

Making a married woman have a no-strings-attached relationship is no easy task if she is not the one to suggest it, but the #1 thing that makes it happen is complete trust in the man. She must know in her heart that you are a man that can be trusted so gain it. Do not gossip with her (it will make you come across as a man who likes to share secrets) and be there for him when she needs you.

A reader shares his thoughts on preference for women.

"I feel comfortable with Asian girls. Yet I can't feel anything with Western women. They are sexless to me. My last Western girlfriend was in 1988. A long time ago! Now, the mere sight of an Asian girl excites me. She excites me because of her physical features. They enchant me deeply and fascinate me beyond sensibility. As I told you the highest form of womanhood is to be a Japanese woman. There's a cultural "something" which sets them apart. I am very lucky to have met several dear and charming Japanese women over the Internet.

Back to my Western friend. We have tried to share a lot about women and men. She strongly believes that if there were a third sex, then men would be made redundant. But, she says, "Apart from men, what choice do we have??" So it's a desperate choice for her. Again I sense her bitterness. I was drinking wine with her the other night and her husband was out on yet another eternal boys' night. She desperately needs someone to touch her heart and rekindle the flame there. I feel so sorry that her life is so empty of powerful emotions. She seems so let down by life. I feel I let her down by not marrying her and that she then made a bad choice in men with him.

A woman on the Internet told me the "key to my success" with women. She said, "You go straight for the heart, don't you?" That men want women to be like themselves. But women are different emotional creatures. I never go for a woman physically. I've never been attracted to attractive women. But every woman has a very beautiful heart full of rich love and emotions. Women's hearts are so beautiful. I love them dearly. I feel men have no heart. But, my married friend likes that. She likes the 'roughness' of men."

I wanted to share this story from Raymond, who is struggling with his emotions regarding an ex girlfriend:

"This woman and I first met when she was 16 and I was 21. Now she is 41 and of course I am 46. We were lovers from an early age but we lost touch when she went overseas to England to live. We got back in touch in our mid -twenties and I even pursued her to Europe where we spent an idyllic 2 months in a romantic haze. I asked her to marry me and she said 'Yes' eagerly and we came back to New Zealand together. However, it became apparent to me that she and I were not matched for the day-to-day grind of marriage. I told her I couldn't be both true to her and marry her as well. Yes, it was heartbreaking.

Strangely we kept in touch and she even asked my advice about an American she met, bedded and then married. He is her husband to this day. However, when I ask about him, she speaks a little bitterly and I fear there is a deep disappointment with him. There is no romance to this woman's heart whereas I am a solid idealist. She was my goddess but not my Goddess.

And here the two of us are, 26 years later still able to talk heart to heart in a way she can't with the man she has 2 children with. She knows my penchant for Asian women and I find it amazing myself that she is the one Western woman for whom I feel anything physical or emotional. Oh yes, I ache for her sometimes but she is a married woman and a physical relationship now could upset the delicate balance she has with her domestic situation. We both know we have special feelings for each other but we must remember to act responsibly for her children's sake."

Carla writes, "I am a married woman and have been dating a married man for 3 years. Both of our spouses know about the relationship. We both have a minor child; mine 9 and his 12. At first he would tell me that he will leave when his child graduates from high school but now he's saying that he will leave now if I (we) could come up with a feasible plan. He also says that if I wanted him I would have him by now. We live thousands and of miles apart and see each other regularly but there's not a day that goes by that we don't speak with one another. We both argue continuously with our spouses about this relationship and want to know why the two of us can''t leave each other alone. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. He has even threatened to hurt me if I attempted to leave him. I need your help. Is this true love? Will he ever leave? We understand that this will hurt both of our families but what is a plan if there is such a thing that will help alleviate some of the pain?"

I am actually in the process of helping a woman in very similar circumstances. Here are my thoughts:

1. It is generally a bad idea to let your spouse know or found out about your adultery. I am not saying that you did it so on purpose, but, it just makes things difficult.
2. If you didn't know this, but, women genuinely fall in love while some men will say so that they have fallen in love merely to keep the relationship alive. I am not saying that this man does not love you, but clearly you love him more than he does. Maybe my definition of love is old-fashioned, but men have given up their crowns for love, fought battles, gave up everything they had, and this man is giving you the run around to divorce his wife. I mean, give me a break.
3. Men often feel a great sense of responsibility towards their families (not necessarily their wives). That makes it rather hard for them to leave their spouses because it breaks up the family.
4. Many coward men use manipulative techniques (like making you feel guilty, or sowing a doubt in your mind that if your love was deep enough for him he would have left already, or promising to hurt you if you left) to keep the women hooked to them and not ask for too much. I have heard from men who were doing this to more than one woman in different locations while they had a supposedly "happily married" wife at home.
5. Are you sure that he loves you or is it that you simply expect him to love you because you do?

The advice that I will give you is the same that I am giving to the other lady. Stop taking BS from him and ask him point-black, if he he will leave his wife or not in the next 30 days. If not, you have to right to terminate the relationship, get a restraining order against him, and notify the local police in his town so that he does not hurt others and/or himself. And there will be no compromises, no extensions, no time to think, and all the other hundreds of excuses and manipulative techniques he will come up with (I know way too many scoundrels like this who play with emotions of women as if they were playing a video game).

If he refuses to marry you and accept you as his wife right away, you should either separate from your husband (I am assuming that your marriage is totally broken by now) or beg forgiveness from him. With a strong commitment on your part and help from counselor, friends, family members, religious person, and others that you trust, you can work on loving your hubby again. I know it can be done because the other woman is doing exactly that. She did what I told you and her so-called "love of my life" completely backed off when she had an adult conversation with him. Her husband did not know about her affair (thankfully) so it is easy for her to save her marriage.

I strongly suspect that this man is simply using you and he has destroyed your marriage under the pretext of loving you, but without doing anything a real lover does.

Misty writes, "I met this guy in chat room about a year ago. The first time we chatted we exchanged basic info. He told me that he was married with kids and I told him that I was married too. We were both cool with that. We continued chatting and emailing each other on a daily basis and we were starting to really like each other. Then we finally decided to meet for the first time and everything was ok. In the weeks to come we chatted more and more. Then we started seeing each other more and more. It would be a short conversation after work once or twice a week. Then it was a small kiss when we would leave each other, nothing more than that. So a few months after seeing each other we decided to take our relationship to another level. We had sex about 4 months after us meeting and talking everyday. After that things were great. Then as time went on we started acting like a real couple; he would snap at me and I would snap at him and at the end of the day things would be back to normal. There were a few times that he would really hurt my feelings but I was so in love him I would ignore some of the things he did and said. Then one day out of the blue he told me that he loved me for the first time. I was so shocked; I didn't know what to say or how to react to it. When he said that I didn't say anything back because I wanted to keep some distance between us just in case we needed to walk away from each other since we were both married. As time went on we continued to have great conversation and great sex; it was like the perfect friendship. Then we finally came up with a plan to stay a night together which was the best night of my life. Even better than my honeymoon. And after that I finally decided to tell him that I was in love with him too. Only for him to tell me that he already knew; he was just waiting on me to say it. Then all of a sudden things started to change with us; we were talking less and sex was completely out of the question. It was like he didn't want to see me at all. I couldn't figure out why and he wouldn't talk to me. Then he told me one day that he was leaving the state because he had a job offer. That completely crushed me. As the time was coming for him to leave, we talked less and less. Those few weeks before he left I cried every night. I was trying so hard to keep my feelings under control so my husband wouldn't notice anything and that was the hardest thing for me to do. Then he finally left and I thought it would just end with me having a heartbreak but it didn't. I was preparing myself to deal with it and move on thinking we wouldn't talk again. So a few days after him leaving went by I cried because I'm in love with him but I was dealing with it. Then all of a sudden I get a text message from him saying that he loves me. Now I don't know what to think. He's been gone about 5 months now and whenever I think I'm not going to hear from him I get a message or email from him. I guess he is still thinking about me as much as I'm still thinking about him. I would call him and tell him that I love him and miss him but he don't really reply like he is hiding something. I honestly feel that something is there between us and we are just too afraid to act on it. I am so in love with him. I've never felt this way before and I am married. It's the chemistry we have when we are together. That's the reason I'm not giving up on this. Maybe I'm just crazy or maybe I'm seeing this wrong but my heart is telling me something different. What would you do if you were in love with a married man and you are married?"

I hope you realize that it is not easy dating a married person, and even more complicated for a married person to do so. It is not uncommon for married people to put their spouses first even if they wish otherwise.

That is exactly the situation for you two. He sure has problems in his marriage (apparently, so do you) and is struggling with the choice between his wife and you. He may love you but wants to stay in his marriage for, most likely, the sake of his kids. The reason he is not so forthcoming in his affection for you is that he thinks that the more he shares his feelings with you the more painful it will be for both of you.

Obviously, this is based on the assumption that you know all the facts, but as you suspect that he is hiding something, in that case, for all we know, he could have multiple lovers like you or not be married at all and just likes to play around with a lot of women so that he never has to marry any one of them but keeps all of them hooked by giving them signs of hope once in a while.

In my opinion, if I am married, and even if my marriage is perfect but I still fall in love with another married woman, I should leave my marriage and so should my lover. It is not fair for my wife to be married to a man who is not in love with her. And if my married lover is not willing to leave everything for me, then it is not love; it is just a relationship of convenience -- she is merely using me for her emotional needs.

In conclusion, I am not very hopeful that your relationship with this man has a future considering the facts of this case. If your current marriage has problems, it is best to work to resolve them, and if they are unresolvable, then there is no need to be miserable -- get a divorce. And as far as this guy is concerned, you have to finally tell him that either you end the relationship (and stop playing with your emotions) or he better leave his wife for you. I think he wants to have it both ways and right now he is the winner and you the loser.

How do I approach my married ex girlfriend?

Norman writes, "What does a man do who has known a woman for years and has a past relationship with her and now after 4 years she is married? What does the man do to express that he still loves her and cares for her more than any other man? The reason for the original breakup 4 years ago was not due to relationship problems, it was due to personal/financial issues that stood in the way of having a successful relationship. How does he get the married woman back? He knows he loves her because everyday he prays to god that if he was to die before he wakes up that god would grant him to be her guardian angel. Which means he is not only willing to share his heart, he is willing to share his soul with her. He thinks about her more than he thinks about himself so he is willing to share his mind with her. Even when he is not thinking about her, he asks himself why is he not thinking about her, then he takes the time to think about her. He even writes poems about her everyday. How does the man approach the married woman? Should he do something big and extravagant for her even if the married woman's husband finds out?"

This is a very delicate situation and my first reaction is that you should leave her alone. If she is happily married it would be unethical and unfair to she and her loving husband that a former lover upsets their family.

Now considering how deep your love for her is, my suggestion to you would be not to do anything big and extravagant but something small and discreet (that way no one will be hurt in the process). If there is any way for you to contact her and have cup of coffee with her in a public place (it will be a hopeful sign if she agrees to it in the first place), try to find out more about her. How is her marriage? How is she? What does she think about your relationship?

If you see any hints of dissatisfaction, you can casually mention how much you care for her still, and hopefully, you both can find out if it is worthwhile reviving the old relationship.

If you get an idea that she is perfectly fine in her marriage, (since you appear to be a religious person) I would think that it would be a sin to suggest anything to her.

I know it is frustrating and sad but we all get chances in life. We take some and can't take others. It is best to move on, since if you love her as much as you say, the best thing you can do for her is to leave her alone and let her go on with her new life. There are a lot of wonderful women out there and I am sure that for a loving man like you, any woman would find you a great husband.