Janet writes, "I'm 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for 6 years; we have 3 children of ages 7, 6, and 1. He is in the military, therefore, he's gone a lot but he only goes on short missions. When he comes back he is full of desire and I can understand that since I am also waiting for him to come back and make love to me. The problem is that I am pretty satisfied in a day or two but he wants it non stop. With three kids and the same old routine it gets boring and predictable. So I want to bring some excitement and spark back to our sex life. What suggestion do you have?"

I totally understand it. If you eat pizza every day for 3 days you would even hate the word pretty soon. That is why it is important to add variety to sex in order to keep it interesting and something to look forward to it. Here is what I suggest:

1. Position: The same position only stimulates the same parts of the body but there are literally infinite possibilities for kissing or touching or penetration. Just by changing the position you will feel that sex is different each time.

2. Place: Yep, the bed is awesome but you will get tired of the same place very soon. I like to think that sex can be had almost anywhere (as long as you don't get into trouble for it). Just having it in the kitchen or dining room or bathroom or car or in the backyard can make it much more exciting and allows you to explore even more new positions.

3. Time: It may seem that sex before going to bed is the most natural thing to do but sex can be had any time. Actually, the best time for sex is in the morning when you are relaxed and full of energy. Similarly, having sex as soon as he comes home from work or at any other time that you can find, you will realize that it makes it a lot more fun. As you might have already discovered, you don't always need a full hour of sex to feel satisfied. Good sex, even if it lasts for 5 minutes, can be far more satisfying if it is something new. I love quickies.

4. Situation. For instance, if you wear the same tee shirt to bed every night, it would make it so boring. How about a little creativity there? Maybe mixing and matching some underwear and lingerie? Or can you try a scarf around your body to bed and let him open his gift? Or even make a costume? A naughty housewife or school girl or secretary? You get the idea.

Alexis writes, "This is an important time in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating for over a year and we are talking about the next step in our relationship. We enjoy many things together. I am sure the next step in our relationship will include lovemaking. Does this seem like a good time? Is it possible to engage in lovemaking without having sex? We can just take our time and not worry about being bothered. I want to create a romantic setting. Any ideas? I am thinking about candles burning in my room (so it is candle lit), perfume, and soft background music. Are these good ideas?"

It is great that you waited a while to get to know this man before making love.

Obviously, making love, especially for the first time, should be done with as much time and privacy as possible. Both partners, not matter how old and experienced, are nervous and doing it in a hurry can spoil everything.

Now the terms lovemaking and sex are often used interchangeably but I am guessing that you are saying that lovemaking means no penetration. What constitutes sex is somewhat confusing and different people look at it differently but yes, it is possible to please your partner and yourself through kissing, hugging, cuddling, masturbation, and oral sex and wait to have penetration.

Regarding creating a romantic setting, yes, candles are always great (though to be honest, girls appreciate it more than guys do) but I like the idea of background music. The most important thing is the nightwear you choose to wear. And since you two will be alone and things heat up even before you get to the bedroom, I also suggest that you wear a beautiful bra and panty, in case you never get to the point of dressing up for the night.

Regarding time needed to make love, I would say that take the clock and put it in a drawer. The last thing you want to do is to worry about time. The more the better.

Regarding the timing of the intercourse, it all depends on your values and priorities. I know that many girls lose their virginity at the age of 13 while a few choose to wait till they are married. Many women have sex on the first date, while others wait for the third, and some do not until they are married. So it is something that you have to think for yourself and then discuss it with your boyfriend.

Regarding having great sex that makes both of you happy, my advice is that just go with the flow and try not to follow the rules too much. I mean if he comes over at 3 PM and while watching a movie on the couch in the afternoon, things heat up, then just go ahead and have fun. Don't get too concerned about the candle-lit bedroom. In any case, you can have sex multiple times so it is a good idea to do it yet once more before sleeping.

And be open minded about trying new things and do not expect perfection from you or him, especially the first time. While virgins have a hard time the first time, sex is a bit awkward even for two adults when they do it the first time.

Tiffany writes, "I am what some may describe as a busty woman. I have been divorced for about four months. Lately I have been getting closer and spending more time with a younger man. I enjoy him. I have suspected that he wants to become more intimate. I am guessing that he may want to make love to me. I am thinking about whether it would be appropriate or not to have it him. He is a nice man and I like the attention from him. It may be too close to my divorce to consider being so close to someone. Also being on the busty side I don’t want him to become turned off if and when he sees me without clothes. I have talked to several of my women friends about him. One said not to worry about him becoming turned off and that there maybe a possibility that he wants to love all of me. She said that if that is the case what would be wrong with it. Another lady friend of mine said that we are both single and that our age difference should not be an issue in us having physical intimacy. She also said that if a younger man finds you attractive and wants to do it what is wrong with that. She also said that I may enjoy lovemaking again and may like the experience of having it with a younger man. Is there any truth in these statements? Are there common reason that younger men want older women? If he wants to love me and he uses the physical expression of sex to do that it may be OK. I don’t want to just be a tool in which he uses me to have an experience with an older woman. How can I know of his intentions? If and when I consider sleeping with him what things should be part of our relationship? What things should we do/have done before considering going to bed? Sex may be a wonderful way to express one's feelings, one's love, one's commitment. How can I be sure that our lovemaking will have these elements? How can I be sure of his commitment before as well as after we do it? We don’t want to have a baby but what are some things that we each could gain by? If we do it, how can I be sure that he will like my body ? As a woman with big breasts, what can I do to make the experience good for him? As a curvaceous woman, what positions work best?"

It is understandable why a man that likes you and you like him wants to make love to you. He is obviously attracted to you and feels sexual attraction towards you. I am not convinced that a woman has to wait a certain period of time before having sex after divorce. If the opportunity is right, you are free to make love to anyone you like.

Now unless you have been covering yourself in bedsheets all this time, this guy should have a fairly good idea of how you look. In other words, he likes you the way you are and I very much doubt if he will be turned off. Any man with a functioning brain knows how women look at different ages and there should be nothing surprising there. Most likely he really likes your body. It is wrong to think all men like only skinny girls. Men are attracted to all kinds of women, and the most important thing is that emotional connection. Once that happens looks are really secondary.

I also think that your girlfriends are right in everything they say. The age difference should not be an issue if you are otherwise a good couple. If he likes you and you like him, you will enjoy making love to him. Who knows he might turn out to be a better lover when you can take the role of the more experienced partner and let him take some tips from you.

I think there are some men who have a fetish for a mature woman and are fascinated by the idea of having sex with someone who has lots of experience. She can teach him, a mature woman can be more patient, and often even be better lover than him. A woman of same age can be impatient and not always appreciative of her lover's performance. In rare cases, a man might see his mother in his lover, which is kind of very complex Freudian analysis of such relationships.

I think if you are not sure that this man wants a serious relationship -- and time will tell that -- then I totally understand why it does not make sense to make love to him right away. It is something to discuss with him honestly and frankly that what he is looking for and do you both see a meaningful future for your relationship.

I guess regardless of the age difference you have to do the things that any woman has to do in a relationship. Learn more about him and his plans for the relationship with you. What does he want? Is it what you want too? Are you just hanging out or is there a future here? There is no good answer to when you should have sex. Some women will have it on the third date while others wait till they are married. It all depends on the relationship. If you emotionally and physically want it, then you know you are ready.

To me sex is a celebration of a couple's love for each other. We all have sexual needs and when he is investing all this time into the relationship, obviously, sex is his way of telling you that he wants you all, not just chats and movies.

Now I don't know how you look and how you look without clothes, but most likely he will like you the way you are. Don't get too bogged down with it because that will only make you too self-conscious. In any case, since we all have not-so-attractive parts in our bodies, my advice to women is to show off what is great and hide what is not so great. While I don't know this but if you have a big bust but not so great legs, well then show off your chest in a beautiful bra but wear a longer skirt like sleepwear to hide the legs. You get the idea.

I am yet to meet a man who does not like a woman's breast, so use your breasts effectively, even as a sex organ, I can add. I am yet to meet a man who disliked his body, particularly his sex organs, massaged by breasts. Regarding sex positions, just go with the flow; I do not think breast size makes a big difference as long as your breasts are right in front of him and he can either look at them or touch them or kiss/suck them while making love.

Kristin writes, "I'm only shy when it comes to making love. What I am trying to say is that professionally or in public settings, I am not shy. But I never initiate sex and I don't engage in it. Like, I don't make noise and I rarely kiss my husband during sex. I'm crying as I type because I know I have a serious problem and I know I'm frustrating my husband and eventually will hurt my marriage. I want to be freaky and enjoy my husband but I don't. Before my marriage, I was the same way with guys especially because I knew that it wasn't a commitment. Now that I'm committed, it's now hurting me. Not sure if it stems from me not seeing my father show affection with my mother or what, but I would think that I would better be good at this. When we do have sex now it just 'wham bam thank you Ma'm." He's frustrated, I know. That's why I'm having this problem. I also feel now that if I try to change he isn't gonna appreciate it. Just yesterday we talked and he told me that I don't excite him anymore. I need help."

I am so sorry to hear that you were crying while writing this and when you wrote above that "Just yesterday we talked and he told me that I don't excite him anymore" your problem is serious enough. Generally that is a very strong sign that a man is frustrated and is either likely to cheat or stop loving you or even ask for a divorce. And trust me, as a man I can tell you that love is important but sex is definitely #1 for any man.

And I think your current behavior it may have little do with your upbringing. My father died when I was a little boy and my mother did not have a relationship after that but I grew up to be a normal man with healthy sexual appetite.

The good news is that the way you can learn to drive a car or cook a new dish or learn to speak Chinese, you can learn how to enjoy sex too. Like anything else, all it requires is an inquisitive mind, patience, and hard work.

Now do not expect to become a sex goddess overnight but the way you have learned everything else in life, you can learn how to do this too well by taking one step at a time.

Margaret writes, "What or is there a danger in masturbating to the point of losing the desires for another or not being able to have an intimate relationship with someone else?"

All scientific evidence indicates that masturbation is good for health both physically and emotionally, though, I am assuming that you are not doing it excessively (say, dozens of times daily, in which case you can get seriously ill or even die). Actually, many couples in perfectly healthy relationship engage in some form of self pleasure. It is a great way to please oneself or the other or both at the same time. Many couples find that it enhances their sex life because it helps them understand each other's bodies better.

When my partner is pleasing me, I enjoy it because at that time she is focused on me and I can focus on my own pleasure rather than worrying pleasing her, as I tend to do during lovemaking. Having said that, I still adore penetration, which gives me even more pleasure.

If you feel that you are having difficulty connecting with men emotionally or otherwise, it may have nothing to do with your desire for self pleasure more often; you may simply be shy or introverted, for example.

A sexless marriage can be a disaster and can completely the shatter the self confidence of a woman. But it does not mean that a woman cannot have a normal relationship with another man.

Here is an email from a woman who was previously in a dysfunctional marriage without any emotional or physical intimacy.

She writes, "I am absolutely attracted to men, I DO have sexual thoughts (a lot lately). Now Yes again I do have sex. I currently have a boyfriend and we've been having sex since last 8 months and all I can say is WOW!!!!! I honestly don't understand how I could go from severely disliking sex to LOVING it totally. Honestly my boyfriend is the one who I used to call a nympho but he calls me that now. I mean its not crazy or anything; it's just great sex I can't seem to get enough of. Honestly we do it every single day. We usually never only do it once, it's always twice or more. We have on many occasions had sex 5 times in a day. Anyway I just don't understand the drastic change."

Emily writes, "I had been married for 10 years but I am getting divorced as we speak. I was in a sexless marriage. For the past few years our sex life just didn't exist. I mean it would literally be 4-6 weeks in between times we'd have sex. Even then I would try to put it off. I don't know what happened. When we first got together/married we were having sex all the time. Just one day we were not anymore. Never even noticed that it happened. So I don't know what the problem or solution is but that's the just my sexless story."

I think you did the right thing but what I would like you to think about is what is it that was missing in your relationship -- obviously, as you can imagine, relationships do change over time and physical intimacy declines for most couples that have been together for years.

Are you attracted to other men? Do you have erotic thoughts? Do you feel like making love? Do you have desire for self-pleasure, and if so, do you please yourself with a toy or a massager?

Reduced libido, vaginal dryness, and inability to orgasm as we get older are common problems and in most cases they can be treated by a combination of therapy, medication, aids, and of course, with the right partner.

So I do not want to give up on sex or men but you have to work on it and everything will be normal again.

According to a study by Massachusetts General Hospital, two out of five women have sexual problems (like lack of desire, arousal, and achieving orgasm) but are either not aware of them or are not bothered by them.

The problem is that men in these relationships are quite bothered by them and often resort to cheating. Obviously that causes major relationship problems and can even lead to a breakup or a divorce.

I have written extensively about this topic and wanted to point you to those articles so that you can deal with the issue.

• Intimacy for couples
• How often should I have sex
• Sex is a five course meal
• Problems with physical intimacy among couples
• How to satisfy a woman
• How to have great sex
  

I have heard from hundreds of people who have written to say that arranged marriage has worked for them. Of course, any marriage can fail but one of the biggest advantages of a marriage based on love is that you get to know the person before you commit to being married to her or him for the rest of your life. While people change over time, at least you get to know the major attributes of one's personality.

Since this is not possible in an arranged marriage, one of the readers of my blog, Jayson, has gotten into a lot of trouble with his . "During 10 years of our marriage, I have never been able to be fully physically intimate with my wife. She simply does not like sex and thinks that it is something dirty. She not only has no interest in romance with me, she even refuses to try. Basically once in a while we talk but from a distance. She doesn't like me touching her at all. Since she does not even want to see me without clothes, we have never really seen each other. I would be so happy to have a normal wife that I can love and please, while she does the same to me. I cannot even share this information with anybody and that is why for 10 years I have been quietly suffering. What can I do? I am ready to do anything to help her change her personality and just be a normal woman," he writes.

The bad news is that your wife is very sick (please consult a doctor since I am not one) and it will take years of therapy for her to cure. I would, therefore, strongly suggest that you get a divorce and move on with your life. If you have kids, fight for custody, so that her illness does not destroy the life of your children.

There are several possibilities why this might have happened. Maybe she is a lesbian. There is also a possibility that she has been raped and sexually abused as a child. Such trauma can do lifelong damage to one's personality.

She will need to consult with an experienced psychiatrist experienced in such issues. Therapy can take a lot of time and it is very unlikely that she will ever be a "normal" person. Her problems are so deep that there is little that you can do without professional help.

How to have great sex at any age?

While millions of couples live in sexless marriages, most of us manage to live lives full of fulfilling physical intimacy. Yes, men often complain of libido differences and women complain about men not being good lovers, but in the end, it still works out for most couples.

A latest study points out that contrary to what we might like to believe, seniors have a lot of action in bed. What is most remarkable about this study is that healthy couples have better sex life than those with health problems.

So what can you do to be active in the bedroom?

1. Stay fit.
2. Make time for it.
3. Eliminate stress.
   
4. Throw out wrong ideas. There is no age at which you should stop.
5. Introduce variety. Try new positions. Take a vacation.
6. Use tools: lingerie, videos, massages, role play, whatever works for you.