Kurt writes, "I am secretly in love with a woman twice my age but although being 45 years old she looks like she's in her mid 30's. Needless to say she's blessed. She's very beautiful and has a great personality. She currently lives with a boyfriend but I am told by a mutual friend that she likes me too but is struggling to decide who to pick. She is not financially independent. I live with my parents to help them out in the current economy. As for my financial situation I'm individually very stable but due to the economy my parents are not and I decided to help out by moving in with them temporarily. Believe me I never thought I would like anyone double my age but it sort of just happened. We basically like the same things, movies, books, music, you name it. I've never had so much in common with anyone which would explain much of my attraction towards her. I've never been much of a romantic but then again I never thought I'd meet a person like her. To be completely honest, if things turned out my way I'd marry her ASAP. I couldn't care less about our age difference. I wish I can talk to her about our situation but I wouldn't know where to start. I just want to know how things are with her. I know we're close but this is something that will effect our beautiful friendship and possibly a future romantic relationship, if any. I know our mutual friend told me that she's in love with me but I'd rather hear it from her own mouth and if there's a chance it could work out or if I should just move on with my life."

How to help a woman decide which man to choose?

This is what I would suggest.

1. First, either through your mutual friend or directly, tell her exactly how you feel. Do not fear anything. Be honest. And be prepared for the consequences like a brave man. If she is not in love with you, that is fine; at least you will know for sure. But since we know that she is, it will be good for her to know how you feel about her and that might help her decide easily who she wants to be with: her current boyfriend or you.
2. Secondly, if she chooses to be with you, then you both can talk it out and figure out a plan. I am hoping that the economy will not be bad forever and if she is a bit patient, you two can live together and be happy. I strongly believe that good lovers are so difficult to find and if one finds them, it is critical that all efforts be made to succeed. If you have found this woman, then go for it like a man.

Dawn writes, "I'm with an Alpha male (physically only). Emotionally, he's insecure and needy. He talk about his needs only - though when it comes to the physical intimacy he so wants to please me. If I don't want to put my hands in his pants, he gets offended as opposed to all the other men I've been with who responded with understanding and gave me more time! He is the tall, dark and handsome guy who has been with many girls (hardly any quality women), so he now can't take suggestion or criticism. He goes around saying "I'm an Alpha male." He says being promiscuous, and having been able to be with most women he wanted has messed him up! I'm so attracted to him physically, it's like fire between us, but emotionally I am so turned off! I want to dump him because I feel like throwing up when I see how he acts like an 18 year old (no exaggeration) - he's 29!! What do you think?"

Relationship without an emotional bond

Your case is very interesting. It seems that you want him physically but not emotionally. Definitely a normal relationship with this man is impossible and not only does he know it, you know it too. You are in it for the same reason that he is in it: sex.

The good news is that this sort of superficial attraction does not last forever. Sex alone is not adequate to sustain a relationship for very long. Right now you are each other's sex toys but very soon you both will get bored with each other.

So you have to ask yourself what do you want right now or in the near future? If you want a steady, romantic relationship with a man who appreciates you not just as a sex object but as a woman with a heart and soul, then it is time to get rid of him. However, if you think sex is too good to tolerate him for a little while more, then it is perfectly fine to use him as what the Japanese call as a sex-friend. It is a person with whom you have just sex and do not even make an effort to engage emotionally or intellectually. Once you stop making that effort to connect emotionally, sex gets even better and life is a lot less stressful. At some point, if either of you gets tired, you can always find a more conventional relationship.

Gary writes, "I am a 24 year old man and I have a close friend of 15 years. He has been married for almost 5 years. I am very close with him and his wife, since they have been dating since high school. Both of them had told me that they have an 'open relationship' and don't mind sleeping with others outside the marriage. To my knowledge, this has never occurred, but they're up for it. The other day during a wild night of drinking, we were talking about how I haven't gotten laid in almost a year. The next morning, I got a text message from his wife propositioning me, and telling me that she would be willing to help with my 'not been laid in a while' problem. It's tempting, because she is attractive, and she assures me that my friend wants her to do it, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to mess up our friendship that has gone on so long, but they seem really cool about it. Since it has been so long it's hard to resist. What should I do?"

Regarding your situation, looks like there is no need to seduce your best friend's wife. It is fairly obvious that they are both cool with the idea. And trust me, they are not alone. Millions of couples have open relationships and or some form of freedom in which they have sex outside their marriage. Now, some of these people are on the web and are openly propositioning other people, often perfect strangers (which has its own pluses because it can ensure some privacy and anonymity) but many others that I have spoken to prefer it with a trusted person who will not have any diseases and is not likely to go tell the world about it.

Therefore, my suggestion to you will be that given the circumstances, you can go ahead and join them. Before doing so, however, it is a good idea to finally review what it means to your friendship with them. It is also a good idea to discuss the boundaries and limits beforehand. For instance, will it be the three of you or more or will he watch or will you be alone with the wife while he is gone somewhere or will someone take pictures or make a video and any other questions that you might have?

I am dating a married man

Veronica writes, "I am now in a relationship with a man 18 years older than me. Ours is also a long distance relationship. We started as friends. Through the course of our communication, I found myself frequently chatting with him and talking over the phone. His intelligence, excellent demeanor, consistency in attitude and thinking, humor and sense of responsibility are the reasons that gravitated me towards him.

In the past, I have been praying for someone who has the same traits like he does. Apparently, he is very much married with two kids and was open about his status. The inevitable happened. I still allowed myself to fall for him. Initially though, I was restraining myself from engaging with him due to his status but he gently influenced me that the "journey" we are having is the most wonderful he has had.

I struggled with the thought that I could possibly be the reason for his permanent indifference towards his wife and would appease me that he can handle things without the wife knowing about us.

It pained me whenever he would naturally speak about his wife. There was jealousy brewing. On the other hand, I am thankful too that he is openly discussing this with me and later on learned to control my emotions when his wife is the topic.

My relationship with him is one year old now. He is an expat for a multinational company. When his meetings are done in other countries, he never fails to visit me and spend a couple of days with me. Also, I have wavered several times and was even wanting to get out of the relationship. However, he would gently cajole me to stay and not be hasty with my decision and does not like to leave me like a hot potato and not have any communication at all. In the end, he wins and I end up loving him more.

Lately, he would utter his "wishes" frequently. He would tell me that if only he wasn't married, he'd ask for my hand. Upon hearing those words from him, I cut him. I know my limitations, and though, I love him so much, I am not delusional to the point of him leaving his family for me although it could be possible. He explained to me that he never uses the word "cannot," he deems that it is a strong word (when I explained that we stop dwelling on his wishes since it cannot happen).

What does this mean? Although I always tell him that it wouldn't look good if he leaves his wife for me, I am also wishing silently that I could have him and live happily ever after. With the frequency he visits me, would you still consider that he is just infatuated with me or simply wants pleasure?

I find his sincerity genuine. Despite his meetings and busy schedule, he finds time to communicate with me and we manage to do it everyday, even on weekends when he is with his family. I have learned to love him and my feelings for him are very deep now. What should I do? Should I believe every word he tells me? With the "cannot" phrase, is he in some ways contemplating to perhaps be with me?"

Is this woman a mistress?

Dating a man in a relationship, particularly a marriage of many years with kids, is always a dangerous path for any woman. At least when a man lies about his relationship status, there is hope. Maybe he will leave the woman for you, but if he expresses helplessness, he has it all. He can have you as long as you are stupid enough to be with him and also have his legally-wedded wife. It is you who is the loser in the end. The time and emotional investment that you are making in him may all go waste (while you are getting old) if you realize at some point that he is not worth your efforts or if his wife finds out or if he gets tired of you.

Let me also play the Devil's advocate here. What if he has many other girlfriends/mistresses like you in other places? Are you sure that you are the only lover he has? For all I know, his romantic talk may just be the words that he needs to keep you (and a few others) interested in him. Many rich and successful men often do what this man does: have a few girlfriends in places where they cannot be caught. Yes, some day, one relationship might go sour but then he can simply move on to another one and come up with a story that seems to work all the time: a naive woman impressed by an intelligent, successful man who claims to be the victim in a marriage that is not working out too well but he is unable to leave it because of his being a family man.

The question that you have to ask yourself is what is it that you want out of this relationship. You say that you are "not delusional to the point of him leaving his family for me" or that "it wouldn't look good if he leaves his wife for me," but then, you also ask "is he in some ways contemplating to perhaps be with me?" I see many contradictions here (you say "I am also wishing silently that I could have him and live happily ever after").

Based on what you describe to me, he could very well be a genuinely nice man (instead of the evil man that he appears to be) who is stuck in a really bad marriage but if does not want to leave his wife and be with you, he is merely using you for his personal gain and you are not getting much out of it except a false sense of love and affection. As he has repeatedly hinted, he may not be able to get out of his marriage and in the end, you will be wondering where did your life go by.

I think if you are looking for attention from a smart, intelligent, likable guy, and nothing else (I hope he is giving you expensive gifts and awesome sex), it is fine to have this man, but if you want a solid relationship with a man that you can live with happily forever, get out now and find a single man.