In most cases, men are pretty straightforward in expressing if they are enjoying sex with a woman or not. The only problem is a man who is simply too shy or does not know what sex is supposed to feel like.

So if your boyfriend is not complaining, he initiates and looks forward to intimacy with you, suggests and tries new ways of pleasing each other, and your relationship is otherwise fine, it is fair to assume that he is sexually satisfied. However, if you notice that he asks for more sex or complains about you not providing him certain types of sex, or avoids sex with you, or treats sex like a chore, then you might have a problem.

Connie asks, "My boyfriend is seven years younger then me. He's 18 and I am 24. Situation is I'm practically the only woman he's been sexually active with. And because of this sometimes I feel he only thinks he loves me because of his sexual needs. I spoke to him about it and he tells me he truly loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but I feel he isn't experienced enough to make that decision. Then again I feel I'm being silly for feeling this way. What do you think?"

For men sex comes before love and for women love comes before sex

I think you pretty much answered your question. He is just 18 and lost his virginity to you. At this age (and for that matter at any age for a man) sex is a very powerful emotion and it can suppress all other emotions. Plus, he is still immature to appreciate deep, emotional love.

So if he is an otherwise nice man, just keep the relationship with him going and hopefully over time, he will mature like you. At that point, he will know for sure if you are the one.

I think it is a dilemma that all older women (who in my opinion are more mature than men at any age) face when they date younger men.

Victor writes, "I am looking at my neighbor woman for sex but I can't find out if she is ready to have sex with me or not. But often I see her looking me and and smiling at me when we run into each other in the common areas of our development. So how can I find out if this girl likes me or not?"

Just looking at each other may not mean much. Maybe she just thinks that your clothes are old fashioned or you have a big nose. You know what I mean.

You have to see if she is also flirting with you. That is what is important. You can also start flirting with her and if she responds then you know that you are on the right track; otherwise, stop wasting your time.

Women are not sex objects

In any case, you should stop thinking of her in terms of sex alone. Most girls abhor this attitude and even if she is attracted to you once she finds out that your interest is purely carnal, she will be turned off.

Dawn writes, "I'm with an Alpha male (physically only). Emotionally, he's insecure and needy. He talk about his needs only - though when it comes to the physical intimacy he so wants to please me. If I don't want to put my hands in his pants, he gets offended as opposed to all the other men I've been with who responded with understanding and gave me more time! He is the tall, dark and handsome guy who has been with many girls (hardly any quality women), so he now can't take suggestion or criticism. He goes around saying "I'm an Alpha male." He says being promiscuous, and having been able to be with most women he wanted has messed him up! I'm so attracted to him physically, it's like fire between us, but emotionally I am so turned off! I want to dump him because I feel like throwing up when I see how he acts like an 18 year old (no exaggeration) - he's 29!! What do you think?"

Relationship without an emotional bond

Your case is very interesting. It seems that you want him physically but not emotionally. Definitely a normal relationship with this man is impossible and not only does he know it, you know it too. You are in it for the same reason that he is in it: sex.

The good news is that this sort of superficial attraction does not last forever. Sex alone is not adequate to sustain a relationship for very long. Right now you are each other's sex toys but very soon you both will get bored with each other.

So you have to ask yourself what do you want right now or in the near future? If you want a steady, romantic relationship with a man who appreciates you not just as a sex object but as a woman with a heart and soul, then it is time to get rid of him. However, if you think sex is too good to tolerate him for a little while more, then it is perfectly fine to use him as what the Japanese call as a sex-friend. It is a person with whom you have just sex and do not even make an effort to engage emotionally or intellectually. Once you stop making that effort to connect emotionally, sex gets even better and life is a lot less stressful. At some point, if either of you gets tired, you can always find a more conventional relationship.

Jason writes, "I am married to a wonderful woman. The problem is, she does not enjoy sex, I DO. Do I want to leave her? NO. We have tried counseling, she doesn't like going. We have tried sexual aids, she thinks it's weird. And still, I am yearning for the days of mad sex every night. So I'm 50, did my tallywacker die? No. Isn't there some woman that have the same issue only with their man and want to meet? Can't I find some sex crazed female that wants nothing more than to be mutual sex toys? Is there anything wrong with that? Usually, you spend months looking online and spend hours fruitlessly contacting women who say they only want sex, but really want more. Or they aren't real! or they are totally dishonest. Just say it like it is, I need and want it but don't plan on leaving my spouse. I'm not perfect but boy can I do it. What are my options?"

Dating for married people looking for a lover

Trust me you are not alone, if that gives you any comfort. That is why a whole bunch of websites have popped up trying to match sex-starved married people. Unfortunately, they are full of whores looking for customers.

In other words, it is not easy, and understandably so. Having a solid relationship like that is hard to find and many of my readers have told me that even mistresses can be too much work and often very manipulative.

Having said that, many people do find mutually beneficial relationships the old fashioned way. By hooking up with people that they already know through something else. Remember that the biggest barrier for a married woman (I strongly suggest married only because most single women eventually want to fall in love and marry you) to engage in a relationship like this is the fear of getting caught. However, if it is someone that they know well and trust, it is easier for them to take the plunge.

So look at the pool of people that you know and guess who could be in this situation. Also expand your circle. Get active in local community activities, join some interest based groups that attract women in your age group, and keep trying. It will be easier than you had ever imagined.

Carol writes, "I have a friend who is currently in military and will be back after a one-year mission. While I had a very brief relationship with him before he left, I really like this guy. He drives me crazy. I have strong feeling for him. We talk on e-mail every other day and it seems like all he talks is about sex! I send racy pictures of me every other month and I try to keep him thinking about me. I don't know how he feels about me. I'm 22 and he is 29. How can I know if he is genuinely interested in me? I have a feeling he may be talking to other girls by e-mail as well. How can keep this guy forever?"

Being overseas in the war zone is not fun at all and sex is like an escape for him. However, I am quite concerned about his narrow focus on sex alone. I know that without sex a relationship does not last too long, but there needs to be a lot more than sex to keep a relationship together.

My suggestion for you would be to gradually make the conversation non-sexual and stop sending him your sexy photos. You don't have to say anything but just find some excuse if he asks. In your emails or chats, try to talk about your future together as a couple, talk about marriage, and starting a family.

If he shows his reluctance to talk anything else and wants to steer the conversation to sex and gets upset that you are not sending him naughty photos, I think it is a strong sign that his interest in you is purely carnal and he thinks of you as nothing but a sexy woman to have a good time with. If that is all you want too, then it is fine, but if you are thinking of a serious relationship (and not just a great sexual partner) he may not be the man for you.

Lisa writes, "The sex used to be great with my boyfriend but I want him to love me slowly not bam bam bam, so fast sometimes that I don't enjoy it any more. I explained to him that I wanted him to do some things different and please me, make love to me slowly and passionately. I have done all I can to talk to him and it's not working. My feelings have taken a drastic change for the worse and I am wondering if I should just throw him out of my life."

Regarding sex, he has the same issues as millions of other men do. For them sex is not about foreplay or intimacy; it is a way to release themselves and then go to sleep. These men have simply not learned to appreciate that a woman is not just a receptacle but a person with feelings.

All a girl can do in these circumstances is to request and you have done that, but I have little hope from him considering that he has not taken the time to learn lovemaking.

I am noticing that you seem like a nice, sweet, responsible girl and while this man has a few great qualities, he is not the man for you long term. What you want is a man who will not only do what he does but also make passionate love to you treating you like a woman with feelings rather than just a toy.

He will need to learn how to make love to you and you will teach him how to do it. Give him a chance to get it right in 3 months, and if you see no change, throw him out of the house.

One of my long time readers, Grace, writes, "I always find your advice helpful and for this I want to thank you but you know problems in relationship never end. I am in relationship for over ten months but for the last three months we have not been having sex so much -- maybe in one month we have once or twice and the worst thing is that it does not last too long. This makes me angry sometimes and when I want to have sex and I touch him he removes my hands from him. Before we used to have sex five or four times in a week and I liked it. I tried talking to him about it and he said that he still loves and finds me sexy even if we did not have sex so many times. We live together and this affects our relationship but sometimes it is disappointing. Sometimes I try to figure out if they are just words which come from his mouth to make me feel good or is it normal. I don't want to cheat on him by taking someone else to fulfill my desires, but what do I do?"

I can understand that something like this might happen after being married for 10-20 years for people in their 40s and 50s, but if it happens after just 10 months, there is a serious problem in the relationship. When it happens so soon in a relationship, there can be a few reasons:

1. He has lost interest in you and is hoping to end this relationship as soon as he can. This behavior indicates that.
2. He has found another lover.
3. He has mental health problems. For example, he could be depressed, worried, or is living under a very high level of stress.

I think if it is #3, then you should try to help him by visiting a doctor and/or helping him overcome his worries and stress, but if it is #1 or 2, it may be time to end the relationship.

Alexis writes, "This is an important time in my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating for over a year and we are talking about the next step in our relationship. We enjoy many things together. I am sure the next step in our relationship will include lovemaking. Does this seem like a good time? Is it possible to engage in lovemaking without having sex? We can just take our time and not worry about being bothered. I want to create a romantic setting. Any ideas? I am thinking about candles burning in my room (so it is candle lit), perfume, and soft background music. Are these good ideas?"

It is great that you waited a while to get to know this man before making love.

Obviously, making love, especially for the first time, should be done with as much time and privacy as possible. Both partners, not matter how old and experienced, are nervous and doing it in a hurry can spoil everything.

Now the terms lovemaking and sex are often used interchangeably but I am guessing that you are saying that lovemaking means no penetration. What constitutes sex is somewhat confusing and different people look at it differently but yes, it is possible to please your partner and yourself through kissing, hugging, cuddling, masturbation, and oral sex and wait to have penetration.

Regarding creating a romantic setting, yes, candles are always great (though to be honest, girls appreciate it more than guys do) but I like the idea of background music. The most important thing is the nightwear you choose to wear. And since you two will be alone and things heat up even before you get to the bedroom, I also suggest that you wear a beautiful bra and panty, in case you never get to the point of dressing up for the night.

Regarding time needed to make love, I would say that take the clock and put it in a drawer. The last thing you want to do is to worry about time. The more the better.

Regarding the timing of the intercourse, it all depends on your values and priorities. I know that many girls lose their virginity at the age of 13 while a few choose to wait till they are married. Many women have sex on the first date, while others wait for the third, and some do not until they are married. So it is something that you have to think for yourself and then discuss it with your boyfriend.

Regarding having great sex that makes both of you happy, my advice is that just go with the flow and try not to follow the rules too much. I mean if he comes over at 3 PM and while watching a movie on the couch in the afternoon, things heat up, then just go ahead and have fun. Don't get too concerned about the candle-lit bedroom. In any case, you can have sex multiple times so it is a good idea to do it yet once more before sleeping.

And be open minded about trying new things and do not expect perfection from you or him, especially the first time. While virgins have a hard time the first time, sex is a bit awkward even for two adults when they do it the first time.

Simon writes, "I have a good friend who is a bit of a busty woman. I want our bond to become closer. I want to make love to her. She has not said that she does not want it in our relationship but she seems uncertain. She seems cautious. It may be because she is busty that she is hesitant. Might this be the reason? Might there be other reasons why she seems uncertain? How can I get her to think about us being intimate? How can I make her feel comfortable about her body? How can I get her to explore her sexuality? If we do it, are there certain positions that work better for lovemaking with a busty woman?"

It is common to be reluctant about having sex until you are positively sure about a relationship. Sex brings a level of intimacy that is not easy to forget.

I would seriously doubt that her being busty has much to do with it, unless of course, her being busty also means that she has sagging breasts and fat in all the wrong places. Remember that many women with large chests are almost always also fat. Only a rare woman will be busty (without breast augmentation) and be skinny at the same time. If she is out of shape she may have low self esteem and that may be the reason for her reluctance.

In my opinion, sex is the celebration of love. If you demonstrate your love to her and prove that you like her for being what she is rather than some kind of a movie star, she will understand that you will accept her body as it is. You can enhance her self esteem by praising her looks and making her feel good about her body.

Regarding suitable position, I am not sure that there are any, unless she is overweight. If she is too fat then you may realize that traditional position likes missionary or woman on top may not work so smoothly because of the fat in the pelvic area. In that case, it requires a little adjustment so that you can penetrate her all the way.

Elizabeth writes, "I am asking about my son. He is a senior in high school and has a girlfriend. They seem to care about each other a lot. He has been taking a sex education class at school. He has said to me that now he is taking this course that he thinks that he should be allowed to have sex in his room with his girlfriend who he says that he loves. He said that in the other subjects in school he is given a chance to practice what he has learned at home. He asks why not with sex. He said that he is curious about sex and wants to try the different positions he has heard about. I guess this is normal he said that he wants to make sweet passionate love to his girlfriend. I don’t know if he knows what making love is about. I know my son’s girlfriend’s mom and she mentioned that her daughter asked her about good positions to use during the first time. Being a mom I am concerned but at the same time I want my son to have a good first time. He mentioned for a gift he would like to have a time and place in which he could make love to his girlfriend. I am debating whether it is ok or not. Any considerations? Is it true if I say no is he and his girlfriend are just going to have sex anyway but just not at home? Being a mom I am concerned but at the same time I don’t want to present sex as being wrong or dirty. He does have a loving relationship but is young. Any information about this?"

First of all, you should feel lucky and proud of raising a son that actually waited this long and then asked his mother's permission. The average age at which kids lose virginity is 13 (and even those stupid virginity pledges do not work) and almost always parents have no clue when it happens. So it is awesome that he is including you in the process and it is great that the girl's mom is aware/supportive.

I am one of those people that believe that if parents teach reading, writing, using knife/fork/, driving, and all the other hundreds of things that will make them successful in life, why not sex? And why stop them from having it when they will go ahead and do it anyway. By teaching them about sex in a healthy way, the parents can make sure that they just don't have it with a random person and also use protection.

Yes, it may be difficult for them to know all the emotional things related to relationships (and I guess even for us adults it is a work-in-progress) and you can help him to some extent. It is great to talk about all the issues related to love and sex in a frank and honest manner to develop a healthy attitude towards sex, respect for women, and being responsible about it.

That is why I encourage you to give him this as a gift complete with a condom. I am assuming that you will be able to provide them with complete privacy for a night or so at least.

I wrote previously about how to offer sex as a birthday gift. I have an email from a reader and she writes, "I am having a birthday party for my boyfriend. We will have some friends come over to celebrate. I have asked him what he wants for his birthday and he told me about a few regular things that he would wish for. I think that he would really like to have sex on his birthday. I know I would. This seems like a great time to express our love to each other physically. What do you think? I have several questions. Maybe you could answer them."

Note: The answers below are to questions that almost any girl or man would have before making love for the first time, be it before marriage, or as it happens in some situations, on the wedding night.

Could you give me some advice of what to wear at the birthday party that I am having?

My recommendation would be to dress more or less like you would at any other birthday party for a friend. Try to recall how you and your friends have dressed in the past and how you expect your friends to show up this time. I think you do not want to over- or under-dress.

I want to give him a hint of what is to come but do not want to overdo with the other guests present at the party. Is there a way I can give him hints without the others seeing?

It seems difficult to do, particularly if you want to keep it a secret from friends. Can you tie a ribbon in your hair? Ribbons signify gifts; so maybe he will get a hint while others might simply think it is a cute hair accessory.

When the party is ending how do I get the other people to leave without my boyfriend leaving? I do not want it make it obvious to the other what is going on.

There are a few ways to do it. Pick what works best for your situation. Tell your BF via phone/email right now that it will be nice if he stays back after the party to help out with cleaning and dishes, but then, others might offer to help out too. Tell him at the party that you have a special personal gift for him that you are too embarrassed to give in front of everyone. Can he just stay behind after the party or come back later? That might be the perfect plan, I think. It will also give him a hint but still keep him guessing.

How should I let my boyfriend know that I am ready and would like to have sex with him? We have talked about it in the past. Should I let him know of my wishes before the party? How?

Nope. It will be nice to let it happen naturally that day. That is where the surprise comes in.

When the other guest leave how can I turn the topic to what I am about to do? Should this be done through giving him a note? What should the note say? Should this be done through speaking? What should be said? Should this be done through action? If so what?

Wear some item of lingerie that resembles a gift, let your dress drop to the floor, or even better, wear a dress that has a knot at the back of the neck and ask him to untie his personal special gift. From then on he will know what is he getting.

What kind of activities should be done before undressing?

I think when you two are alone, just relax, and talk like you always would. And then at some point when you think you are ready, just ask him, "Do you want your special gift?" and ask him to untie the ribbons/knot.

What kinds of kissing should be done before undressing? Should I start with a soft kiss or dive into a passionate one? What parts on a clothed body should I kiss? Where would he like to be kissed? How long do couples tend to kiss before taking their clothes off?

Do not try to choreograph everything as if this were an opera. A lot will depend on his reactions so act according to the situation and just do what feels right at that point. There is no good or bad way. Kiss the way you feel like and the part that you want. I have no idea what kind of a man he is and how he will react but just do what makes you feel great and he will respond the right way. Maybe he will be very eager to really open his gift and it might happen even before you actually kiss. So simply be prepared for anything.

How will we know when it is time to remove our clothes? Should I ask him to undress or just undress him? Should we undress in the bedroom or can we strip en route? Should kissing be involved in undressing? If so, how?

Since he will be seeing you naked for the first time I will guess that he is ready to do it sooner rather than later unless he is really nervous and shy or hesitant to do it. Maybe he is not sure if you are ready to undress completely. So if he does not do it, ask him to do it for you. I think a lot might be going on including kissing as you undress each other or yourself so do not try to plan each activity. Just go with the flow.

Should talking be done while we are kissing and undressing? What should be said?

I am hoping that you will be engaging in small talk and being playful/naughty with each other. So just relax and do not worry about a script for talking.

What should be done when we get done undressing?

It is common to touch, feel, and kiss your partner's body.

How can I make the bedroom romantic?

As discussed previously, music, lamps, and candles will be great.

What can I do to move us to the bed?

Just pull him or go sit/lie down on the bed whenever you feel like.

What activities should we do as part of foreplay?

Kissing, saying sweet nothings, touching, grabbing, rubbing, biting, licking, etc. are great acts.

Where on his naked body should I kiss? Is there an order that he would enjoy?

I am hoping that you will start with the lips and face and go down from there. The neck and nipples are very sensitive areas too.

How much touching and kissing should be done before I move to his organ? How will I know when to move down there?

Just long enough for him to get erect. I think since it is first time for him, he will get an erection in no time and then you don't want to waste too much time. In case he does not get hard, kissing and playing with his private parts should give do the trick.

How will I know where and how he likes to be touched?

By his responses. But lips, back of ears, neck, nipples, privates, inner thighs, etc. are all quite sensitive.

How should I let him know where I would like to be touched and kissed?

Tell him so. I hope you already know what are your sensitive parts. A man knows a bit but the best way is to just tell him.

How long do couples tend to do foreplay?

Depends how long they have been together. In any case, all the little playful talk about special gift and all is part of foreplay. But definitely 5-15 minutes will be a good start.

How will we know when it is time to move to intercourse? How can I take the lead? Should it be done through speaking, action, or both? Is there a way to know when he is ready?

Since you are doing it for the first time, he may not know how far you are ready to go but with the way things will progress, I think he will. He will be ready when he has an erection and you will be ready when you feel that you are totally wet. Make sure that you have several condoms available (remember this is your responsibility and do not expect him to have them) because not only you do not want to be pregnant you want to prevent yourself from diseases. And condoms also provide lubrication. I strongly encourage you not to have it without condoms. If he refuses, it is time to tell him that you will never do it till you are ready to become a mom. You can just fool around then and maybe just masturbate each other.

If we want to change can you suggest other positions and give advice on how to switch to these without being awkward?

Just ask him, "Let us try this position," and then move to it. Personally I would suggest that you stick to one position for one session of lovemaking. Only very experienced men can manage to change positions in the middle of the action. And next time you do it, just suggest that you would like to be on top or try rear entry or do it on the floor or the kitchen table or whatever.

How do I tell if he is enjoying it?

Sounds, facial expression, and body movements should indicate if he is enjoying himself. You can always ask him, "Do you like it?"

Should talking be part of the the ? What should be said?

Say what you want. Some women like to be quiet, others make a lot of noise, and a few talk dirty.

How long does the first intercourse experience last?

Like anything else first intercourse is very awkward, even for grownups. But no one lasts as long as movies might make you believe. A few minutes is all it takes.

What can be done after intercourse? What do men like to do after it?

Just lie and down and relax. You will feel tired and very relaxed, so enjoy the moment. So will he.

How do we tell if our love making was good or bad?

How did you feel? Did you like it? Did you feel intense pleasure? You will know how he did. And how he felt? Just ask him.

How can I suggest making love again in the morning?

I think you can have sex 2-3 times that evening before sleeping. After the first time, most couples take a short break and they can start again, but again it all depends on the mood and timing and how sleepy you both are.

How can I suggest making love again in the morning?

Most likely he would want it himself and no suggestion would be needed from you. From all I know, you might have to tell him NO at some point. In any case, the kissing and touching him will be a good sign that you want to make love in the morning.

Samantha writes, "My boyfriend and I are into each other and have been dating for a while. We both have said that we want to make love and want it to be special. We have talked about it and decided that it should be with someone special. We both consider the other special enough for it. For his birthday I would like to give him the gift of ME. I think it will be a gift that I am likely to enjoy. What advice do you have about this birthday gift? Is the bed the best location for first time sex? How much time should we allow? Should we plan on from bedtime to morning? I want it to be a surprise for him. What advice do you have for making it a surprise? Would there be a way of letting him know about his gift without saying what I have planed for him? Do you have some advice for starting out? Do you have some advice for knowing when he is ready for intercourse? What position is the best for first time? Could we use more than one?"

Well, it is great that you both have waited a long time to have sex. That means that your relationship is solid and is based on something deeper rather than just casual attraction.

Regarding your idea of offering yourself as a gift for his birthday is awesome. I think he will appreciate it and hopefully it will be a sweet memory for you too.

There is no rule that the bed is the best place for sex of any type. In my opinion wherever a couple is in the mood, they can have a great time, provided it is comfortable for both of them. Obviously, a bed is always comfortable and after sex the couple can just lie cuddling and even go to sleep (not the case if you do it in a car or the kitchen).

Regarding time needed, I would suggest that schedule as much as possible, and if you get the whole night that is great, because you can then have lots of foreplay, sex, and then chat after sex before going to sleep.

And it is a great idea to keep it as a surprise. My recommendation would be not give him any hints at all. I think he expects a gift and if he knows nothing the surprise will be the greatest.

The best way to start out will be to buy some lingerie that looks likes ribbons. I remember one woman who wrote to me. She simply tied herself in silk ribbon covering her breasts and pubic area. Then he brought her boyfriend to her bedroom, put him to sit down on the edge of the bed, unzipped her dress to let it drop to the floor. Then she invited him to open the gift. He knew exactly what that meant. They had a memorable birthday celebration. You could try something along those lines.

Remember that a man is generally ready before a woman but he will most likely tell you (directly or indirectly) that he wants to be inside you. A good erection is a positive sign that he is ready to penetrate. And I would suggest not to wait too long.

Regarding the best position, each couple has their own preferences that they discover over time. My wife loves the missionary position but my favorite is her on top. So pick one and try another one till you find ones that work for both of you. There are so many ways that you can achieve orgasm each one pleases both partners in different ways.

Let me know if you need more help in planning it, and obviously, it will be great if you write back with details on how it turned out. I like to know if my advice was helpful.

Mandy writes, "I met this guy and we hit it off great. We spend time together, we've met each others families, we are the same age, and we have so much in common. My problem is now that the newness has worn off he has gotten too comfortable and the sex has slowed down. I want to keep things fresh and try something new. He seems little shy when it comes to this kind of stuff. How do I get him to open up more to me? I feel we could really have a great future together if he would let me in. Help. What do I do?"

It is almost always the case that sex does go down in any relationship once the newness is gone and a couple starts to spend more time together. Having said that, a couple can also experience a surge once they become really comfortable with each other and want to please each other even more because they are truly in love.

In your situation, with his being a bit shy and the excitement subsiding, I would say that you should be in control of sex from now on. Be the one to plan and initiate it and I am sure that he will go for the ride. Try different things and then ask him for for specific (not generic like "how was it?" but more specific "what did you think of this specific angle of penetration?") feedback.

And finally always put intimacy on the calendar the way you would put meals or grocery shopping or laundry or vacations. That way he would understand that you will have sex X times a week and the way you change your menu or outfits regularly, you will change your sexual adventures.

Trust me; a man is like a dog that needs training and once it knows that it has to get the newspaper for you every morning from the front yard, it will do it and then wag its tale to tell you how pleased it is to do it for you.

Kristin writes, "I'm only shy when it comes to making love. What I am trying to say is that professionally or in public settings, I am not shy. But I never initiate sex and I don't engage in it. Like, I don't make noise and I rarely kiss my husband during sex. I'm crying as I type because I know I have a serious problem and I know I'm frustrating my husband and eventually will hurt my marriage. I want to be freaky and enjoy my husband but I don't. Before my marriage, I was the same way with guys especially because I knew that it wasn't a commitment. Now that I'm committed, it's now hurting me. Not sure if it stems from me not seeing my father show affection with my mother or what, but I would think that I would better be good at this. When we do have sex now it just 'wham bam thank you Ma'm." He's frustrated, I know. That's why I'm having this problem. I also feel now that if I try to change he isn't gonna appreciate it. Just yesterday we talked and he told me that I don't excite him anymore. I need help."

I am so sorry to hear that you were crying while writing this and when you wrote above that "Just yesterday we talked and he told me that I don't excite him anymore" your problem is serious enough. Generally that is a very strong sign that a man is frustrated and is either likely to cheat or stop loving you or even ask for a divorce. And trust me, as a man I can tell you that love is important but sex is definitely #1 for any man.

And I think your current behavior it may have little do with your upbringing. My father died when I was a little boy and my mother did not have a relationship after that but I grew up to be a normal man with healthy sexual appetite.

The good news is that the way you can learn to drive a car or cook a new dish or learn to speak Chinese, you can learn how to enjoy sex too. Like anything else, all it requires is an inquisitive mind, patience, and hard work.

Now do not expect to become a sex goddess overnight but the way you have learned everything else in life, you can learn how to do this too well by taking one step at a time.

Lucy writes, "I have trouble sexually expressing myself. I am very shy and I am not affectionate. I hardly do anything in bed and now it's to the point that my husband just has sex to satisfy himself. Please help."

A lot of people do not realize it, but our society teaches us everything all the way from Math to language to driving to using a fork and knife, but no one sits down with you to teach you to how to make love, one of the most important reasons for our very existence.

On the contrary, many parents and religious leaders do not tire of telling us that sex is bad, sinful, and why not to do it. While many of us pick it up through trial and error or by watching others do it, many just don't have the means to learn it from books and videos.

In other words, it is OK not to know what you don't and it isn't your fault. What is important is that you have recognized what you don't know and it is great that you want to do something to fix the situation.

I know you have written very little and the subject is too complex to respond based on what you have written (I advise you to write in detail about what you know, what you don't, and how is your intimate life right now), but I will give you some initial advice.

How to sexually express yourself?

Before you can express yourself, you have to know yourself and your body. To know yourself, think of what turns you on. You can know this by thinking about your feelings while watching television, the type of movies that turned you on, or the pictures that make you full of desire. Some women get turned on by muscular men, others like cute, playful men, while others may want something entirely different. Try to know what you like because that will help you create the right setting for making love.

How to conquer shyness?

It is a slow process but it can be done. Try to open up to your close family members and friends. You can even join websites and forums and share yourself anonymously. It will make your shyness go away over a period of time. Shyness is merely our fear of expressing ourselves; once we get the self confidence, we can also be more natural in front of others.

How to be affectionate?

I think everyone is affectionate; I have read that even criminals are affectionate towards their loved ones. What you are lacking right now is the ability to show affection due to your being shy and having trouble expressing yourself. As you become more confident about your needs, you will also feel more confident being affectionate.

How to be active in bed?

Without knowing much, I am guessing that you simply lie down and let your partner do all the work. I think a good starting point to get active is to do more of what feels good. For example, if a particularly position or angle gives you more pleasure, make sure that you position your body the right way to enjoy this longer.

Also don't hesitate to do whatever else you feel like doing. As an example, if kissing is your thing, then kiss your husband while you make love. Eventually, I would like you to reach a point that you will tell your husband what to do and how to do it to please you.

That is why I would suggest that you also explore your body. It is wrong to think that all women are the same and there is only one way for women to feel pleasure. Many women do not orgasm during intercourse but will orgasm through kissing. Others enjoy cuddling while some like aggressive sex or even roleplay. So learn more about your body by looking at it and touching it in every possible way to find out what pleases you.

Margaret writes, "What or is there a danger in masturbating to the point of losing the desires for another or not being able to have an intimate relationship with someone else?"

All scientific evidence indicates that masturbation is good for health both physically and emotionally, though, I am assuming that you are not doing it excessively (say, dozens of times daily, in which case you can get seriously ill or even die). Actually, many couples in perfectly healthy relationship engage in some form of self pleasure. It is a great way to please oneself or the other or both at the same time. Many couples find that it enhances their sex life because it helps them understand each other's bodies better.

When my partner is pleasing me, I enjoy it because at that time she is focused on me and I can focus on my own pleasure rather than worrying pleasing her, as I tend to do during lovemaking. Having said that, I still adore penetration, which gives me even more pleasure.

If you feel that you are having difficulty connecting with men emotionally or otherwise, it may have nothing to do with your desire for self pleasure more often; you may simply be shy or introverted, for example.

Erica, yet another woman in a sexless marriage, writes, "My husband has not made love to me in years. He has erectile dysfunction. I've tried to talk to him about it and get some help. The doctor gave him a device to use. His ego won't let him use it, I guess. So I have been very hot for a good while. Now I have been thinking about getting with someone else. I want to stay with my husband and I love him but I feel things and have needs. What is your thought?"

I have seen this problem in hundreds of emails that I have received from women. Men who simply refuse to accept that a health problem can be corrected and no one would doubt their manhood just because they need and use medical help.

I totally understand how you feel, and in my opinion, you have a right to satisfy your needs. Feeling sexual desire is as normal as the way you feel hungry or thirsty or tired.

There are two ways to go about it. Talk to your husband and agree on an arrangement (I doubt if this is possible in your case) in which you can have sex with someone else and he should not ask any questions. You will have a right to privacy about this issue.

A more practical solution for your specific situation is to just keep it a secret. The key is to be upfront about this to the man (or men) that you might have as your lovers and also seek his cooperation so that he does not blackmail you, and helps you keep it a secret. Online dating websites are best for this.

A sexless marriage can be a disaster and can completely the shatter the self confidence of a woman. But it does not mean that a woman cannot have a normal relationship with another man.

Here is an email from a woman who was previously in a dysfunctional marriage without any emotional or physical intimacy.

She writes, "I am absolutely attracted to men, I DO have sexual thoughts (a lot lately). Now Yes again I do have sex. I currently have a boyfriend and we've been having sex since last 8 months and all I can say is WOW!!!!! I honestly don't understand how I could go from severely disliking sex to LOVING it totally. Honestly my boyfriend is the one who I used to call a nympho but he calls me that now. I mean its not crazy or anything; it's just great sex I can't seem to get enough of. Honestly we do it every single day. We usually never only do it once, it's always twice or more. We have on many occasions had sex 5 times in a day. Anyway I just don't understand the drastic change."

Emily writes, "I had been married for 10 years but I am getting divorced as we speak. I was in a sexless marriage. For the past few years our sex life just didn't exist. I mean it would literally be 4-6 weeks in between times we'd have sex. Even then I would try to put it off. I don't know what happened. When we first got together/married we were having sex all the time. Just one day we were not anymore. Never even noticed that it happened. So I don't know what the problem or solution is but that's the just my sexless story."

I think you did the right thing but what I would like you to think about is what is it that was missing in your relationship -- obviously, as you can imagine, relationships do change over time and physical intimacy declines for most couples that have been together for years.

Are you attracted to other men? Do you have erotic thoughts? Do you feel like making love? Do you have desire for self-pleasure, and if so, do you please yourself with a toy or a massager?

Reduced libido, vaginal dryness, and inability to orgasm as we get older are common problems and in most cases they can be treated by a combination of therapy, medication, aids, and of course, with the right partner.

So I do not want to give up on sex or men but you have to work on it and everything will be normal again.

According to a study by Massachusetts General Hospital, two out of five women have sexual problems (like lack of desire, arousal, and achieving orgasm) but are either not aware of them or are not bothered by them.

The problem is that men in these relationships are quite bothered by them and often resort to cheating. Obviously that causes major relationship problems and can even lead to a breakup or a divorce.

I have written extensively about this topic and wanted to point you to those articles so that you can deal with the issue.

• Intimacy for couples
• How often should I have sex
• Sex is a five course meal
• Problems with physical intimacy among couples
• How to satisfy a woman
• How to have great sex
  

While millions of couples live in sexless marriages, most of us manage to live lives full of fulfilling physical intimacy. Yes, men often complain of libido differences and women complain about men not being good lovers, but in the end, it still works out for most couples.

A latest study points out that contrary to what we might like to believe, seniors have a lot of action in bed. What is most remarkable about this study is that healthy couples have better sex life than those with health problems.

So what can you do to be active in the bedroom?

1. Stay fit.
2. Make time for it.
3. Eliminate stress.
   
4. Throw out wrong ideas. There is no age at which you should stop.
5. Introduce variety. Try new positions. Take a vacation.
6. Use tools: lingerie, videos, massages, role play, whatever works for you.
   

Nicki has recently met a much younger man and their relationship has been going fairly well despite the fact she is sometimes concerned that he shows college-student mentality towards the relationship. He has, however, promised to do his best to make things work. "My main issue now is to get him to do certain things while intimate. I think he does not appear to have as much bedroom experience as I do and I am willing to teach him. Should I wait till we are a serious couple to demand things as far as physical intimacy is concerned or should I try to give hints for now? I think I did give a little hint the other day but there is something very specific that I like. I know some men are not into it or can't even think of doing it, so I am somewhat afraid to say it so openly. What do you think?" she asks.

First of all, never assume anything. In other words, you never know until you find out - and just because I have never done something it does not mean that I will never do it. Maybe I never got the chance and that is why I may not get a hint or may not suggest it myself or even show my reluctance doing it the very first time.

Secondly, the best way to do it is to suggest it as something fun to do rather than saying that you love it, you have always done it, and if he doesn't do it, he is an idiot. For example, if you could show him a film (What about Femme de Chambre du Titanic) or a photo (even better if you do that during a romantic getaway) and then casually mention - "Oh, that sounds like so much fun; I would love to try that with you" - and see what happens. Most men are pretty adventurous; trust me.

I think, therefore, you better give hints right now. Why? If he does not pay attention or is unable to make progress as you wish, well, it will give you something to think about - do you still want to be with him long term?

I have written previously that smelling your partner's sweat works. No wonder millions of men smell the armpits of their women and underarm odor may be a great aphrodisiac. That is also the idea behind pheromones and other substitutes that raise your libido or make you more attractive to others.

We now have research from University of California at Berkeley that proves that women may also want to smell their man's sweat. According to this study led by Claire Wyart, when women sniffed a chemical found in a man's sweat, they found their mood improved and they experienced "total physiological and sexual arousal." The longer they smelled, the effect went up, but just 15 minutes was enough to trigger it.

So when he comes home after a workout, ladies, don't push him to the bathroom; get close to him instead. You will have a much better night in the bedroom.

Mobile phones and relationships

A company called, Dial-a-Phone, has made some interesting finding in its research on use of cell phones and relationships. Here are some of their shocking results:

• One out of three men and almost half of women would consider answering their phone during sex
• One out of four women would rather give up making love than their mobile phone for a month
• 4 in 5 people have used their picture phones to take intimate pictures of their partners (not recommended unless you are married - the next thing you know you breakup and the pictures are all over the Internet)! A similar percentage of people also answer their mobile phones during a first date
• One of out of ten breakups is by text message. Britney Spears divorced Keven Federline by text message

While a mobile phone is a must-have these days despite the ongoing controversy about their correlation to cancer, there are situations when you shouldn't use them. I can't stop laughing when people are sitting in a restaurant with one of those bluetooth headsets on. Unless you have a very important job (if you are a doctor or a cop on your meal break, for example) or if you are parent (who must answer the phone from a child or babysitter), you look like an idiot otherwise, especially if all you get are phone calls from your friends asking you about your day.

Dial-a-Phone relationship expert Flic Everett says, "There's a time and a place for mobile phones! Turning them off occasionally or even switching them to silent will make your loved-one feel as though they have your attention. Never ever answer your phone during sex. People will leave a message or call back later if it's urgent."

Flic comments: "Ending a relationship with a cold-hearted text is rude - it's the modern day equivalent of being finished by post-it note. However, some people may prefer to receive the news this way rather than being humiliated in person - I think before you press 'send' you need to consider how long you've been in the relationship and do you owe it to them to give a proper explanation."

Flic also suggests that couples use their mobile phones not to pay attention to others, but to themselves. For instance, Flic suggests that you take a suggestive photo during the day and email it to your lover - a great way to start the foreplay a little early.