Should I get a divorce

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I am afraid that I will end with a divorce

We have been together for a while but I am not sure that she is the ONE...

By Pierre Coda

Tom from West Virginia writes, "I am in a serious relationship that I am not sure is for me. The kicker is we've been together for three years and have a 15-month old daughter. I just want to make sure we are meant to be together forever now rather than wait, get married and then be forced to divorce in a few years and hurt all three of us. What should I do?"

Image of a young couple looking rather sad as they ponder about their relationship.

Congratulations on thinking about this issue before you get married in a hurry. Yes, it is much better to deal with this very important issue now than to marry someone because of the child and then be miserable, with higher possibility of a divorce. Helps no one! (Related article: Divorce destroys families)

If you did not have a child, I would have simply told you to breakup and move on. I am absolutely opposed to children being raised by a single parent. That is why I am suggesting a methodical approach that involves thinking about the implications and a series of steps designed to cause minimum pain to all parties. There is a lot of thinking that you have to do before you even mention this to your girlfriend. In the meantime, if the topic of marriage comes up, you should try to tell her that you need some time to think it over. Here are a few questions to ask yourself: (Related article: How to be a good husband?)

What went wrong? (Related: Divorce of Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe)
Has she changed? Have you changed? Have the circumstances changed?
Are the changes so grave that you can not live with them?
Are there things that can be done to improve the situation? Are you willing to change? If you had a serious chat with your girlfriend, can you convince her to change?

There are several excellent books and websites that you can use. You and your girlfriend need to ask many questions before tying the knot. Because no matter how much love two people feel for each other, if compatibility score is low, you are increasing the possibility of a divorce. (Related article: How to end a long-term relationship?)

Once you have thought everything through and developed a list of options, you must share your thoughts with your girlfriend in an honest manner. If you are at this stage in your relationship, she is probably aware of the problems, so she should not be surprised. One of the options that you should definitely propose is that both of you try to salvage the relationship in three or six months (or whatever time frame makes sense for you). This way you both will have a chance to fix your mistakes and rebuild the relationship.

Despite all the ease of finding a relationship these days, we know of millions of people who keep trying and never find the ONE. Since you are somewhat there, it is much better to work on what you already have rather than abandoning everything and starting over. Despite best efforts by you, if you feel at the end of the time that you gave yourself, that things are not working out, you can walk away with the feeling that did your best. And no matter what, be a good father to your child!

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