of communication in a marriage
How to deal with a shy
Dave in Louisville, Kentucky, writes, “I have been married a short while but my wife never seems to find the time to
dress attractively or
initiate intimacy between us. If I don’t take the initiative, then we will probably never be
intimate. I love her and want our
married life to be as romantic as possible. I guess I need to step back,
stop all the nice things and just let Nature run its course, but this goes against my creed. What do I do?”
(Related article: Communication
Yes, we are aware of this problem among many couples during the first few years of their marriage, particularly if they have not had the chance to know each other very well prior to marriage. Based on the work that
I have done with many of my clients, while it is not something for you to panic about, you need to deal with it right away. Since you have been married for such a short time, if you do not look at the deeper
issues involved, things might only get worse. What we have found from our work is that it is in such marriages that
divorces happen. You will not be satisfied and will go someplace else, and who knows what she is thinking. So don't just hope that a miracle will change the situation. You need to take a series of steps to make your marriage 'normal'.
As a man, and as someone who has recognized the problem, here are a few things to think about and act upon:
- You will need to improve your communication with
her. It is perfectly normal at this early stage in a marriage to be
shy and less open. However, by not communicating you will never be able to bring down the walls that separate two people. Marriage is all about getting to know each other very well, or in other words, becoming best friends.
- It will be a terrible idea to step back and stop all the nice things that you currently do for her. That will only mean that your
marriage will go downhill. On the other hand, you will need to do even better than you are doing now. If
she is shy or simply does not connect with you yet, try to find
every opportunity at which you can touch her heart.
- You might need to take control of certain things (e.g.
intimacy) so that you can take the relationship in the right direction. It is perfectly fine to take the
initiative all the time at this point. Many traditional women find that a man should be the one to take the initiative and it is their responsibility to
give whatever he
wants. Over time, you can motivate her to let you know what she likes and does not like and how you would like her to take the initiative as
well, at least once in a while.
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do you think?