When should I breakup?

When should you breakup?

Think before you end a relationship

Photo of an interracial couple walking down the aisle in a church at their wedding. By Pierre Coda

Heather who lives in a Boston suburb writes, "I have been together with my boyfriend for 3 months and I love him a lot. He is from North Carolina and often visits there. A couple of times that I call his cell phone, there is some girl in the background. He says that she is his brother's girlfriend and she likes him. He says he isn't cheating. I suspect that he is cheating on me. Should I breakup with him?"

I think there are two issues here and it is best not to mix these two. The first one is that you have to confirm if your boyfriend is actually cheating on you or not. A lot of breakups happen because you suspect that your partner is cheating but your suspicion may be baseless. So before you take any further steps, it is critical to have confirmation of his infidelity. I do not believe in having a big fight with him and present him with the evidence (in any case, your relationship is hardly 3 months old) but if you are able to confirm your suspicion you will be able to walk away from the relationship with the confidence that you did the right thing. It will be easier for you to move on and develop another relationship with valuable experience under your belt.

While you have many expensive options to find conclusive evidence of his cheating, you do not want to carry out an intelligence operation either; all you need to confirm is if your boyfriend of 3 months is doing something fishy in North Carolina while you are in Massachusetts.

The second issue is if you should end the relationship. When someone you love and then he does this to you, there is no other emotion than pure pain at such a development. If you are able to confirm that he is indeed cheating then this is rather sad and enough reason for a breakup. I think the signs are not positive and he might be getting a bit arrogant too that he has a girl down there and then you keep calling him.

I also believe that you should never believe a man when he says something else but his actions tell a different story. So when he calls you 'beautiful' and 'darling' while the other girl is with him in the room who knows doing what, he is not being truthful. In my opinion, if he truly wanted to be with you the rest of his life and sees this as a way to get there, he would be treating you differently. Take a look at this article on how to meet a man.

I also do not push my clients to either get into a relationship or breakup at a moment's notice. It is always best to think it through and consider all dimensions before you get into a relationship and when you decide to end it. That way it is less painful and one can feel good about it later. Susie and Otto Collins, the well-respected authors of the best-selling book "Should you stay or should you go" say, "It's important that you take some time now (before ending a relationship) to gain the clarity about your relationship so that you'll be able to ask yourself openly and honestly whether you'll be able to heal your current relationship or not."

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