Why is my lover reluctant to make love to me?

She simply went to sleep in my arms while I was ready

Mark is an expat living overseas away from his wife for about a year now and for obvious reasons he has been lonely. He was already having some problems in his marriage after the birth of their first child and the long distance nature of the marriage has not helped. While drinking alone at a bar, he ran into a lonely married woman whose husband travels extensively as well and they hit it off because of the connection they felt. He writes, "After that evening, we met for lunch during the weekend. She said that she found it relaxing to be with me and offered to meet again in my apartment. I said no, but she insisted. She said that she wanted to relax in a new setting and I agreed because I also analyzed that she was ready to be intimate with me. So the next weekend she came to my place around lunch and we enjoyed ourselves cooking, drinking and chatting. She said she had some pain in her shoulder, and recognizing that this was her first green light for seduction, I pretended to be an expert masseuse. She immediately made herself comfortable on the bed in just her underwear and I started to gently massage her shoulders. After 4 hours of just doing this and making out, we did not make love. I tried to force her just gently, but she was not ready and said that she just wants to relax. I understood and did not push after that. We laid down together hugging and she fell asleep, looking calm and happy. As you can understand, I was aroused and that is why very disappointed. What was going on?"

Being in a relationship without physical intimacy for an extended period of time can have devastating consequences on libido. As one stops being intimate, during the initial phase, the desire explodes. However, when the dry phase stretches over months and years, a man or a woman can become terrified of being intimate and lose all interest. These people train their brains to kill all desire and reach a point that even a real situation that will make any woman hot, means nothing to them. That is exactly what has happened to her.

It does not mean that it is all over. The way we can train our bodies to become active after years of inactive and gain our physical strength back or the way one can relearn a forgotten language, the brain can be taught to want sex again. You had a good start because she can now relax in your arms and feels so comfortable in your presence that she was able to undress in front of you, let you touch her in intimate areas, and then fall asleep, it is only a matter of time she would want to make love to you. Patience is key, though. It would be inappropriate to rush things or push her because when her libido awakens on its own, it will be more natural for her. Then both of you will enjoy it more.

Related: Tantra lovemaking