How to end codependency?

A woman can become independent if she really wants it

Picture of a very attractive lawyer working in her office.

Monique is married with four children. Being married to an alcoholic and loser meant that she had no choice but to become financially independent. So she launched her own small business which has since become successful. She writes, "Three months ago my husband tried to kill himself. This is his fourth attempt and I feel he didn't really want to kill himself but instead it was manipulation against me. Anyways, he went to the hospital and then the psychiatric ward and was there for about a month. Then he was sent to a rehab and he is expected home in about a month from now. I have said to him in the past that I need to be separated for a while to figure out what I want and if I want all this drama in my life. I am a strong woman, independent, and self-motivated. I do not need approval or seek it. I know right from wrong and I have never lied to my husband. I do have hurt feelings because of his decisions and his unacceptable behavior. He is very deceptive and manipulating. I need to know if I am codependent and why. How can I change?"

As I read about you, I notice two contrasting personalities. On one hand you say that you are independent, strong, self-motivated, etc., but at the same time you are with a man who is simply not right for you and has abused you for so long. So it could very well be that while you want to think that you are independent and strong, in reality you are very weak inside. In other words, you are codependent because you are scared of facing the reality of being a single mom.

Having said that, it is not the end of the world. Here is what you may want to think about. A lot of women, who have never been alone, find the idea of being without a man (and with four kids to take care of) overwhelming. It is a big responsibility and our society is not a big help to people like you. But if you have been keeping track, the number of single moms is at an all-time high. And for someone like you who is essentially financially independent, it should be even easier to build a life of your own in which you run the show.

How to become truly independent?

Don't take your husband in when he returns. Seek legal help to make sure that he is forced to find a place on his own and pays you child support. My expectation is that you will face small challenges in the beginning, but you will also realize that you have one less thing to worry about - a good for nothing husband. And focus on your business and children as you unleash the hidden power inside you.
Do not seek or get into a relationship right away. You might feel lonely and may feel the need to be with a man, but hold off on that first.
Plant your feet strongly on the ground first. Put systems in place for your business to run smoothly and make sure that children are also taken care of. It is better to lose some revenue than to be not available for your children. Make sure that at least 1-2 days a week is quality family time. Seek help of friends and family as you try to do this.
It may take you 3-6 months to feel settled. At that point, you should be in a position to date and move on.

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