Codependent people and the dangers of codependency

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Are you codependent?

Is codependency turning your partner off and hurting your relationship?

Be Lisa Kramer

To love is a very good thing; love brings energy and happiness to our lives. At the same time too much of anything can be bad. Yes, we are talking about being codependent here. There are many types of destructive behaviors that can affect our lives in a negative way and even love can become a bad thing if not balanced.

We are going to talk here about perfectly normal people in what appear to be perfectly normal relationships who give so much to the relationship that they forget about themselves. In a similar category are those people who are so desperate for love that they fall deeply and madly in love with the first person that pays even slight attention to them. In other words they become codependent on their partner.

Let’s talk about Judy. She is an average girl in her early 30s, professional, attractive, college graduate, and financially stable. Judy has been in three very intense relationships during her life. All of them have ended because she was unceremoniously dumped. All of her boyfriends have been good guys. Judy asks us now what went wrong.

Judy had been devoted to each one of them, she thought that each one of them was “the love of her life,” and the thought of “if I do not marry him, my life is over” had been in her mind in each case. She is extremely jealous and has doubted the loyalty of each of them. For this reason she followed them secretly, listened to their phone conversations, read their emails without them knowing about it and talked to their sisters and moms about their lives. According to her therapist, Judy "exhausted" her guys. The latest boyfriend told her, that she had killed his love for her, he got tired of her possessiveness and jealousy, and he wanted more freedom and someone whom he could trust him and feel trusted by her. In other words, a codependent person is not liked by people around her/him. (Related: How to stop codependency)

Judy also changed her life for each boyfriend. She always reads what her boyfriends read, she watches the same movies that her boyfriends like, dresses as her boyfriends want and does everything to please them no matter if she likes it or not. Her boyfriend become the sole purpose of her life; she lives and breathes for them. She did not know it, but she abandoned her dreams and life in no time for the “man of her life”. (Related article: How to rebuild trust in a relationship?)

Judy maybe an extreme case, but there are somewhat similar cases that are all around us. The reason is similar in all these cases: The Judys of the world doubt that they can be loved and when they find someone, no matter if Mr. or Mrs. right or wrong, who they can hang on to, they unconsciously think “I cannot let this opportunity go by because I may not find another one.” Their fear to lose the loved one makes them possessive monsters that make their partners withdraw from them. Think about it: who will enjoy to be loved in such a sick way? We want to be trusted, respected and loved by a person who has a unique identity and does not depend on us for everything. The bottom like is that we do not appreciate codependency in our relationships. (Related: How to leave an abusive partner)

Consequences of codependency

Without being aware of it, Judy has been scaring away men. Through therapy, Judy has learned that she has to deal with her self-esteem and grow through the pain of a lonely and loveless childhood. The first thing to learn was that she is a lovable person and she can be loved. She does not need to give up her life for someone. What she has been feeling is not love; it is probably only a mirage of love. On close examination, Judy concluded that none of her men could have made her happy in the long run. She had wanted a man so badly that she had not really care to take the time and effort to meet the man she really wants.

We are capable of loving someone else only if we can love ourselves first. We are better lovers if we have a healthy self-esteem, and we can make other people happy only if we are happy. If you think you love too much, stop and think. Look for help if you need to.

Have you overcome a relationship like Judy’s? Have you been able to overcome codependency or are you still a codependent person and don't know what to do? Share your story with us because we would like to publish your story (anonymously, of course) so that others can benefit from your experience.

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