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Let us take the case of Janice, a
30-year old who is dating Joe for four years now. They have been off and on together and she has done whatever she could to somehow fit into his life. Based on what she tells us, she even
changed her career plans so that he could attend grad school. But no firm commitment from Joe. "Over the next few years, Joe attended a local grad school and we stayed together (living separately though). There were several discussions of getting married, but never a
ring. After several more incidents of indecision on his part, I broke up with Joe seven months ago. After 3 months of his begging me to take him back and promising me he was now ready for
commitment, I took him
back. It has now been four months and he keeps extending the period he says he'll be able to commit. He also is working on his thesis, which he also puts off finishing. He also makes references to the fact that he's not sure he can do
the "9 to 5" thing ever again and wants to be a student for life. When I try to have discussions with him, he puts me absolutely last. I know this seems clear as day - but please tell me what I should be doing. I feel like I may have wasted some very important years of my life on something that is never going to happen. When I try to discuss this with Joe, he tells me I am not a "team player." I'm going insane!"
I
recall watching an episode of
Dr. 90210 on television and in one episode Dr. Jason Diamond (one of the
plastic surgeons on the reality program) and his girlfriend, Dr. Jessica Combs (not a plastic surgeon on the show) go to a
therapist for couples.
They had been dating for several years but he had not decided if he wants to get married to her. While he is a Jew from New Jersey, she is a Christian from Oklahoma, and that had been one of the issues. The other one
was that Dr. Diamond thought that he
was still too young to worry about family and his practice
was important at that time. She kept saying on the show (behind his back) that if they did not decide soon, she
would just move on; maybe even return to
Oklahoma. You know what the therapist told Dr. Diamond? "If you do not give as much importance to your relationship as you give to your plastic surgery clinic, you are not doing justice to your girlfriend."
And looks as if Dr. Diamond got the
message and they did get married.
But Lindsay Lohan continues to have
multiple
relationships without any commitment. (Related article: Living
together before marriage)
Indeed, work and research are important but if that is all there to Joe's life, then you need another boyfriend, who will give you at least as much importance as his profession. So Joe is basically wasting your time and wants you to be there for him by giving up everything, while he gives up nothing. Tell him that he has no clue what teams are all about. A team falls apart if even one person does not contribute as much as the others. (Related
article:
Tips for insecure men)
I think you know in your heart what you want to do. Just wish him luck and move on. Men who can not decide about such an important matter in their lives are going nowhere. What you call as being indecisive, in reality it is "commitment phobia." These men simply do not want to commit because any commitment comes with enormous responsibilities. You are still very young and you will have no difficulty
finding another man but you can't waste any more time on him.
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