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Let us review Nancy's case. She is a very attractive 31 year old in San Jose,
California. She says, "I recently left my
fiancé Steve of 10 years (we dated for 8 years, and were engaged for 2 years) for another man because he is (1) refuses to work full time (2) has a very negative attitude (3) wants a better life but doesn't want to work for it, and,(4) accused me of pushing him into the engagement. There are many more reasons, but those are some of the core issues. The man I left him for is, Pete, the exact opposite. He is kind, motivated; I melt when I look at him. After hours of phone calls with Steve, I felt guilty and I missed my old
fiancé, so I left Pete to come back and try and work things out with Steve. I am not attracted to Steve anymore, I don't want to be
intimate with him, we fight constantly, and yet, even though the other relationship was a happy, healthy
one, I have this nagging feeling I need to see this through and stick it out. In short, I guess what I'm trying to say is I love them both, I want to
get out of my old relationship, but I don't know if I should or I am just misbehaving. Incredibly, even though Pete should have stuck up for himself and told me to get lost, so far he still speaks to me and encourages me, whereas I feel torn apart with accusations from Steve. I want to leave and be with Pete, but something is holding me back. I'm unhappy, but there's a shred of hope that maybe I can
fix the relationship with Steve, even though things are really hard right now. I almost feel like being with the man who will treat me kindly and care for me is like running away to a party instead of doing my homework. I'm so confused and I'm stuck in limbo trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing. Please help me."
You would wonder what is wrong with Nancy. She knows the answer and still seeks it. Believe me, it is not always to easy to act on everything that you think. Being with a man for 10 years produces so much inertia that it is hard to
leave everything behind and move on, even if the relationship is an abusive one.
This is what I recommend that Nancy, and any woman in her situation, do:
- Say goodbye to Steve and do it politely. There is no need for accusations and blames. Their relationship is broken and it is better to end it now than to
wait and then have a divorce.
- Also
breakup with Pete, at least for, say, 90 days. Tell him that she needs time to think and reflect on her life. Pete will be free to date others during this period.
- Nancy needs to think hard
what she wants out of her life and what kind of man fits into her life.
- Just be single for a couple of months and recover from the stress of such challenging relationships.
- After that when she is
ready and refreshed, she can always contact Pete to find if they still can get together. If not, she can join the dating game.
While being kind is good and Nancy should always be kind and care for other people's feelings but not at the cost of destroying her own life by being with Steve. She has to stand up for herself and defend her rights. I also think that Nancy has some problems of her own related to her self esteem to deal with and it is a good time to do it now. Yeah, there is a big chance that you will lose both Steve and Pete but it might actually be a good thing. It will help her start a new life.
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