Relationships with military men

Challenges of a relationship with military men
Returnees from Iraq war fail to have have normal romantic relationships

By A girlfriend of an Iraq War Veteran (name withheld)

I have known my man for four years. We were together for 7 months when he cheated on me. After a while of trying to reconcile, I decided I would try to make things work with him again after he asked me to take him back.

After we were together again things were great. We were having a long distance relationship because we were both in school, but there was not a day or night when he didn't call or email. Every chance he got, he came to see me, and I would go and visit him. When he was in his third year, he was called away on deployment with the military in Iraq. While he was in Iraq, all he could talk about was coming back and getting married in Las Vegas. He wrote to me in a journal about how much I meant to him and how much he loved me. He said things I had only dreamt of reading and hearing. Even though we were apart, it was the most incredible time being in the relationship. (Related: Rules of engagement for relationship with military men)

When he came back, 3 months later, he all of a sudden told me that he didn't think that we should be together. He couldn't explain why. All he said was "I don't have feelings for you like I used to." Needless to say I was devastated, and after a while we finally talked again, and things were strained, but bearable, between us. He then went on another 6 month deployment, and when he went away he all of sudden started to tell me that he missed me and loved me, just like we were together again. When he came back, we went away together to Cancun for 2 weeks. As soon as we got back, he reverted back to "I just want to be friends; I don't want a relationship with anyone right now" mode. So again, I was very hurt, but I tried to be as understanding as I could be. Needless to say, we were still amicable, so much so that we ended up moving into a two bedroom apartment together because we both were going to school in the same city. So now we live together, and at times he acts like we are a couple, and then he'll start acting single. He has slept with two women I know of since we have moved in. He is also contacting the woman that he cheated on me with again recently.

I have no idea what to make of all of this. It hurts so much going back and forth like this. I have been trying to be indifferent to everything, giving him his space, respecting the fact that we are not together. He has made the fact that we are not a couple clear by covering up a tattoo of my name, but he only did that recently as well. There are nights when I will just go about and do my own things, like go out with friends, and he will try to invite himself, but when the roles are reversed he makes it clear that he wants to be alone, and I never ask to go with him.

He is a really good man at heart, because after we started living together, I found out I had leukemia. He has been taking care of me, making sure I eat and take meds. He worries about me, and always asks if I'm OK. He treats me like we are together whenever it comes to my medical condition, but anything regarding the relationship sends him on a tailspin, and he will lash out at me and say really hurtful things, only to come back to the sweet guy again.

I found out after I conducted some research and spoke to a couple of experts that what he was going through is very "normal." He is suffering from war trauma (post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD) and that is why he can not "feel." He himself is going through a lot of emotional turbulence and this can take years to heal. If you have been reading the news, many returnees have committed suicide or even killed someone else or are in serious depression right now. War is hard on anyone. War trauma does not happen just from fighting with guns. When you hear about casualties or see your comrades return dead and injured, or just watch news on television here in America (some family members and even regular Americans are depressed just watching the news), you can get affected. And being in Iraq, where bombs seem to be exploding all the time and you are under threat almost every day, it can be pretty depressing.

However, I know that he did not see and was not involved in combat. I think that maybe being in the military does have something to do with the fact that he can't "feel" anymore. He is in the infantry unit, and has been hearing word from the unit that they may be deployed again to Iraq next year. He and I have ended the relationship, although I really did not want to. I was devoted to him throughout the whole relationship and deployment, and the fact that he had wanted to commit his life to mine before has made it very difficult to just let go, especially because we live together.

I know that he needs help. We have even talked about it before. He has acknowledged that he does need help because he is so confused, but he does not want to see anyone because he fears that it will reflect negatively upon him, especially when it comes to the military. I have suggested that he see someone in his unit, but once again, he is passive-aggressive about the whole situation. I am at such a loss as to how to help him see that going to a therapist does not mean that he is insane. I myself have sought out a therapist for myself. I feel that if I go to see someone for myself, that perhaps it will help me better deal with the situation.

I have been dealing with military men for some time now because my brother is in the Navy, and he was deployed to the Persian Gulf when the Iraq war started. I have also seen my friends' brothers come back completely changed from being in Iraq as well. There must be something that we can do, because it does not seem that these men are being mentally and emotionally taken care of when they come back from the battlefield.

If you have someone in your family in a similar situation, then you may try to speak to the folks at the base that provide support to returnees. If you have the time and resources, you might even want to organize a group of volunteers so that you can help these brave men and women better transition into "normal" life.

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