How to overcome infatuation with a man?

The problem is I am a married woman

  Andrea writes, "I would like you to teach me how to get over this infatuation I have with a French man who is my colleague. He is single but I am a married woman with three lovely kids and a loving husband. How can I be still thinking of this person for two years and not moved forward at all? I thought you said affairs can be time-wasting, but not having one seem to be costing me endless hours of thinking of the what ifs. Our contact is infrequent, but each time we do, we have so much fun. And on days I know we will meet, I am skipping up the stairs like a 12 year old. I want to be better for him. I dress better, I read more on his interests, I read more of my interest, I am more relaxed and make better jokes when I am with him. I feel so blissful when he is in the same room, even if we donít speak or may be standing many feet away. He would always ask, when do I see you again (or see you soon). But never makes a move to ask me out for coffee or suggest anything to do together. He tells me where he is going or if a special occasion is near. That his 10 friends are going to Namibia. But he told me that before, so why does he not remember? I said that he has told me that before and that he was going to Namibia with 20 friends. He corrected me and said 10, so who is not listening now?"

Andrea continues, "The people who know him say he is quiet and not expressive. Very difficult man to figure out what he is thinking. Yet, I donít find this. He talks about his mom, how he thinks she is the most impressive person to him, that she raised the kids, and made a lot of sacrifice. As if he knew I couldnít leave my nest. He said smart women like me can have the world in my hands, and that our world must be so fun. But for women who had not had the opportunity, times can be hard. He is 30 soon, he tells me he wants to be older. And he is ready to be older. He changed his dressing style, and grew a beard.  Most of our conversations are stolen time when no one is looking (for me at least), and we would then ask to guess the names of his brothers. Or he would ask who my siblings are?"

 

 
  Image of a wife flirting with another guy in front of her hubbyShe tells me more about herself, "I am a chatterbox and the life of a party. Am constantly surrounded by people and friends. Most of my oldest and dearest friends complain that it is impossible to get close enough to me (physical proximity). I am also very conscious that I have a soft spot for him. I ignore him at large parties, he normally still makes it over to say hello, and talk a little. But I have never been asked for any of his particular outings. He has never said, 'Come to the museum with me.' I think he is slightly autistic as he is good with graphs and diagrams. He has close buddies from years of friendship and they come visit him frequently. People who work with him say he is deep and self-assured, and does not need the social entourage, one of these people who have lunch alone. They say he is intelligent and discreet."

Andrea is so unsure about him. She continues, "I am not entirely sure if he just treats me as a dear person, (I am very popular) or feels the same as I do. I am not sure if it makes a difference if I tell him how I feel. And does it make a difference for me to find out how he feels. What I would like is to move on from this stage. I cannot be looking forward to gatherings or meeting in which I hope he will attend. It is just pathetic! Would it hurt more if he said he didnít feel the same or if he said he did, but know I will not leave my home? Why it is that we search and push our boundaries? I have a theory. Part of this, is a diversion to my dealing with my sadness. It is a distraction. I donít make a move with him, because, first, I cannot sustain the pace of the demands of an affair, (donít even have time for an aromatherapy bath some days), and secondly, I never really needed to know if he feels the same for me. Of late, I have increasingly been curious if he feels the same as I do. The night before his presentation at a conference, I had an urge to hug him, cloak him and wash him. I went out to get a good shirt for him but never did send it. What do you say? If one leaves it as an anonymous gift, one should really be arrested for stalking, isnít it? But leaving it without wishing him was equally difficult. Anyway, he told me all about it, and I asked him to present it to me one fine day. I told him I heard it was phenomenal."

 

 
  She explains that it is not just her whose behavior is awkward. He might be quite confused about his feelings too. She tells me, "When he goes for a smoke, he swings by to tell me he would be gone for 5 minutes. It is strange as we are not friends as such, he does not need to tell me anything, or whatever. We don't even work together. We act like we know each other but we really haven't spoken 100 words at one time, ever. He goes with his mates, and sometimes, with the most beautiful girls for his cigarette break, but he usually returns to my circle to chat. I have never walked over to him. I guess I am the married one and I find it difficult to do so. Looking back, he has asked me in cryptic code, hey Andrea, why are you running away? Spot on, I am running away from my life. Afraid to love, afraid to start all over again. Afraid to find that I am just mediocre. And here is a person, who is happy to be himself, and in that, he is perfect. Tell me, how do I get out of my stalemate? Tell me what would you do?"

Regarding that seductive Mr. French, here are my thoughts.  It is actually pretty harmless to have him in your life. He gives you that motivation to look a little prettier when you are going to see him or fantasize about him or the excitement of seeing him gets all those endorphins flowing in the bloodstream. There is nothing wrong with this. It might actually be good for your mind and body.

Do not forget that you have resolved never to leave your family. That is why you do not have to fall in love with him the way you would with a potential husband, but if I understand it right, you are capable of falling in love with more than one person, go right ahead and take it to the next level with him. Based on whatever little I know about Frenchmen, it should work out good for both of you. I think the timing may be right to just have a heart to heart conversation with him to explore deeper. It is clear that you two have really not had a real man-to-woman conversation considering that you are married and he knows that.

 

 
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