Highschool classmates: Good lovers?

You have probably seen a million ads on the Internet on how to connect with your highschool classmates. Apparently they work. We say that based on the emails that we get from time to time from people who have connected with long-lost friends, old flames, and even their highschool sweethearts by tracking down their classmates. The beauty of connecting with a highschool classmate is that you have so much in common that it is almost scary. That is the beauty of growing up together. All the little secrets that you shared with your highschool classmate without feeling conscious or without worrying that you will be judged on the basis of how you feel are highly treasured by all. In fact, most people miss that in their adult relationships. There are too many taboos, people are too sensitive, people judge you on the basis of what you say, and we live with a mask on our faces all the time, even when we are with our life-partner. Pretty sad, but that's the way things are in the adult world.

At the same time, connecting with your highschool classmates often creates little complications. Let us read what Meesh in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, writes, "I connected with a man on a high school website who I had not seen in 35 years. He is married for 30-plus years but has no intimacy and rare physical relations with his wife. We started corresponding (750 miles apart) on a daily basis. It's been nearly two years now. He comes to town with the family 2-3 times a year. We are extremely close, have enjoyed some very enjoyable moments "hugging", but that's all. What started out as a friendship developed into a very and now what do I do? Will it fizzle out? He has no intention of leaving his wife, nor would I ask him to. Is he having his cake and eating it too? Or does he really believe this is beautiful and special? I am confused and don't know if we can remain more distant friends, or continue seeing each other 2-3 times a year. It's a wonderful friendship, but sometimes I'm really lonely. And, I don't want to be . Please advise."

A beautiful, romantic story indeed, worthy of being made into a film. But it also violates the #1 rule that I have set for my clients, "Never fall in love with a married person." Without passing any judgment on their behavior, I approve of friendships, even friendships that only involve physical intimacy, and flings, but falling in love is just a terrible idea. Yes, from time to time married people eventually do divorce their spouses and marry others, but it is just a poor strategy to start with to find a lover. In Meesh's case, her life is more complicated by the fact that she does not want him to get a divorce.

Relationship with an old flame

Let us answer some of the questions that Meesh has. Will it fizzle out? Probably not. As I said above, the teenage years does not go away easily and literally stays there for life, whether you admit it or not.

Is he having his cake and eating it too? Probably not. He is married to someone he hardly has any real relationship with, but at this age in your life, it just doesn't sound ethical for anyone to dump your spouse of 30-plus years just because your relationship is not the same as it used to be when you first got married. This man has found an emotional bond with Meesh and he is giving what he can under the circumstances. If he wanted to simply use Meesh, he would have insisted on a physical relationship right away, and would have arranged far more secret rendezvous with her. In my opinion, he is basically stuck between two difficult choices. He does not want to leave his wife out of his moral obligation to her but does not want to have a more intimate relationship with Meesh either because he does not think it is ethical.

Does he really believe that this is a beautiful and special relationship? I tend to think so. People at this age tend to become more mature and deliberate and no longer think that what would have seemed like a natural thing to do 30 years ago makes sense today.

What can Meesh do now?

She has basically locked herself in by imposing restrictions on her that are not logical. For example, she will not ask him to leave his wife but then she does not want to be the "sloppy seconds". Not logical. She has to relax the rules here if that is what she wants.

I think what Meesh really needs to do is to continue to have an intimate frindship with this person but leave it at the point at which is now. Good friends are hard to find these days. If she has a bond like she describes here, she is truly lucky and there is no reason to end it. There is nothing better than a good friend who really understands you. However, to end her loneliness permanently and have a romantic relationship, she needs to commit himself to her, will be there for her when she needs him, and will give her what she needs, even if she does not want a marriage. It is perfectly acceptable to keep searching and find another highschool classmate...

Recommended article: How to find a husband?