Keep cheating or divorce?

Chrystal, a married woman with three children, writes, "I have been having an affair for over two years. I can't decide if I should divorce my husband and be with my lover. No one knows yet about the affair. I don't want to lose my kids and I don't want a big mess on my hands."

Your question makes it pretty clear that you don't love your husband and our position on this matter has been very clear. There is absolutely no reason to be in a relationship when there is no love. You will need to decide one way or the other because otherwise you will not only have a lot of mess on your hands, you might also lose custody of your children.

Here are a few questions for you to ask yourself and your lover before you decide your next steps:

1. Does your lover wants to marry you?
2. Will your lover be happy with the relationship if you keep custody of your children?
3. Do you want to marry him?
4. What will be the likely reaction of your husband when you ask for a divorce?
5. Will he want to get custody of children resulting in an ugly, prolonged divorce and custody battle?

If answers to these and other related questions indicate that you should get a divorce, it is best not to get into the details of your current relationships with anyone. You can simply tell your husband (who should not be surprised) that you no longer love him and want to move on. Hopefully, it will be a pleasant end to the marriage. If you have been able to keep it a secret for so long it is best to keep it a secret till the divorce is finalized plus an additional 3-6 months. You will realize that that will be in the best interest of almost everyone.

If the answer is 'no' to a divorce, then it is best to end the relationship with your secret lover. Adultery is not helpful to anyone, unless both partners agree to it but do stay together (for the sake of children). The perfect scenario for a relationship is a monogamous relationship - it is a lot of fun for everyone and is emotionally very fulfilling as well. Plus, you can celebrate your love without fear. Therefore, you should ask for the help of a marriage counselor and friends/family to solve the problems in your marriage. Most problems in a marriage can be solved if both partners want to work things out.

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