So you want a Russian bride

While the number of Russian women interested in dating and marrying westerners has grown in recent years, there are still too many problems with these relationships, particularly when the woman is also a recent immigrant or is still in Russia and wants to immigrate as a bride. Marty, a Hispanic-American, recently met Ivana, a Russian girl at the local university in Texas. They soon started to date. He thought they had a great relationship and he was already dreaming of marrying her when she decided to return to Russia to finish her dissertation on Russian history. While in Russia, her phone calls all but disappeared and she hardly paid any attention to him. Marty writes, “I am heartbroken. I often don’t find her at her home when good girls are supposed to be in bed. She neither talks about returning to the US nor of our relationship. I wonder if she is cheating on me or has she just found another man. I am now in a limbo. I feel that if I date other girls I would be cheating on her but then I am so lonely now. Why doesn’t she communicate more often with me? How can I know what she wants? Please advise.”

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Thus, cheating is inherently unethical even if it is only for physical gratification. So it is not acceptable for you to start seeing other girls yet. Unless of course, both partners mutually agree to continue seeing other people while they figure out ways to see if they can ever get back together.

We have a strong suspicion that she is not sure that she wants to marry you though she might enjoy being with you. Interracial marriages are still difficult since they present too many complications in our society. Only very few of us have the guts to just do it.

You must, however, try your very best to make your relationship work; otherwise you might regret it the rest of your life, especially if you find out that she was faithful to you, and if you had not screwed up, she could be your wife. So do your best. If you don't see enough positive indications from her, move on. It will be hard for you since you seem to love her so much, but you cannot put your life on hold just because of her attitude. Looks like she is having a good time in Russia while you are suffering here.

Just tell her how you feel - she does not write to you, does not call you, shows less enthusiasm for the relationship - but you still want it to work and are willing to do what it takes. Is she confused? Does she need more time to think? If she wants some time to think it over, then give it to her. But agree on a date to review the relationship after that time so that you can take firm decisions at that point. We believe that in the meantime while she is thinking, you will be free to date other women.

You also have to ask her why she is not committing to marriage and be your bride - is it because you are still a student or of a different race? People from other cultures sometimes have a hard time speaking openly and directly and never really say what is on their minds; so you have to learn to read between the lines and guess what they are saying. Thus, watching their actions is more important than what they are saying - they believe that it is bad to hurt others by saying nasty things and that is why others get frustrated because they never tell them how they feel. We Americans tend to be more open about these things and don't always like beating around the bush.

It is better to force her to commit to something or else give her some time to think so that you are free for a while. If she really loves and wants to be with you forever, she will have no hesitation in committing immediately. If she is in doubt, then she will ask for more time but it will also be a message for you that she is not fully committed to you and then you can just go on with your life - maybe she will come back to you (good for you) but if she doesn't (you will have a life).

We would suggest the following course of action:

1. Don't expect her to change and start to communicate more with you - it is always hard to talk about it over the phone/internet.
2. Ask her point blank what the path forward is for this relationship.
3. Make sure that you agree on a date for marriage, if that is what you wish. If she resists and tries to put off a final decision you will know that she is not serious.

Related article: How to attract a reluctant woman?