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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

When is adultery acceptable?

We have taken the position in the past that adultery is acceptable in some cases (Read article: Adultery is acceptable sometimes). Unfortunately, life is never so black and while. That is why we often come across very complex cases. Here is one couple that we have been helping out with making the right choices in their relationship (which happens to be an adulterous one right now).

Victor has been married twice and, like his first wife, his second wife is just not into intimacy with the same intensity that he has. She has simply refused to give him what he needs. Victor, a young man of 33, simply suffered for many years and felt very frustrated with his bedroom experiences. By sheer coincidence he ran into Brenda, who is a woman that is literally made for him. They both connected instantaneously and their private life has been good but Victor continues to suffer from guilt.

He writes, "First of all, let me explain that I love my wife and that I wish to stay with her because I feel that for me it is the right thing to do. Now even though my wife is not a very passionate person in bed and although Brenda gives me what I need - the stress and turmoil afterwards is sometimes too much for me to deal with. I feel very guilty afterwards. I expressed to Brenda today we are like a island of fire with water around us putting out our flame because what we share is hard under the circumstances. I know that if I and Brenda stay strong and do not share in any physical needs it will be tough for us and I was wondering if we choose to do this, how do we cope with it? She has been very supportive of me and I believe she will continue to be so. She makes my every desire come true and makes me feel alive. I do feel bad that my wife doesn't do this for me only because she is not at my level. I need to understand how am I to walk away from what fulfills me so much but I feel that my pretty lace babydoll. It was very incredible but yet I didn't want to climax because I feel guilty afterwards. This has been a problem for me over and over. I'm just wondering how is that I will continue my marriage and yet have these feelings for Brenda. We both know the limitations and she understands that I want to keep my marriage but we both have a basic need."

I see a few issues that Victor and Brenda need to deal with.

  1. Victor's marriage is definitely a failure because if physical satisfaction and an emotional bond is missing in a couple, they have a real problem. Victor wants to be with his wife not because he feels fulfilled but because he thinks of it as a moral issue, a responsibility, an honorable thing to do. While admirable, this is not going to help anyone.
  2. Victor's feelings are divided among two people. His wife is being cheated upon (even though she does not know about his adultery but someday she will or might), and Brenda is losing out on her life. No matter how much Brenda and Victor like each other, he is still married to someone else and Brenda can never go out in public with him. Till then she cannot even date other men.
  3. It is very likely that Victor might simply walk away and Brenda will be left with nothing but some sweet memories of the relationship.

What can Victor and Brenda do?

  1. Victor's marriage is broken; it is a good wife founds out about his adultery. It will be an ugly divorce at that point.
  2. Victor must enjoy himself if he is with Brenda. He is not able to climax because he feels guilty. But then he shouldn't do it. He is not being fair to himself or to Brenda. They should either stop being intimate or enjoy themselves thoroughly.
  3. Brenda also has to fight for her rights unless she is in this only for the fun of it. She might turn out to be the biggest loser in this game.

So what do you think? Share your thoughts with us.

Recommended articles:

When men cheat

Should I keep cheating or get a divorce?