It is not always easy even for the most talkative and smart guys to find the right things to say to a girl when they come across one. The problem get further compounded when you actually like the girl (most of you get really nervous then). No one knows why this happens though there are several theories out there (when you are genuinely attracted, you are less inclined to take the risk since you are afraid that a mistake could hurt you; that is one theory). However, the same folks find it easy to engage in small conversation with a woman at the counter in a bank or while checking in at the airport or even while chatting with someone next to you in a long line. This article talks about how to use these skills that you already have in a bar on a girl that you like.
Martin is one of those people who has this problem. He says, "I have a dilemma. I just don't know what to say to girls I find attractive in a nightclub or a girl I just fancy in the street. Please help me."
Well, insofar as fancying a girl in the street is concerned, it is not easy for anyone. First of all, in a public place where people are going about their own business, it is not always polite to hit on perfect strangers. It can come across as offensive and threatening. If you do happen to be in close proximity, however, for whatever reason (say while buying coffee in a coffee shop or while riding together in the elevator), it is perfectly acceptable to have small conversation about the weather or to praise her outfit. Some of these innocent conversations can actually result in a friendship. Marcia Cross met Tim Mahoney in a flower shop where he was buying flowers for another woman. Natasha Henstridge met Darius Danesh at a traffic stoplight on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles.
In a nightclub, the situation is different. Most people go to nightclub to meet new people and they are prepared to be approached by strangers. Most people actually look forward to it and even welcome it if done the right way. Yes, there might be some shy people but you just need to appreciate their personality and approach them differently. Others might want just certain types of men to approach them and will act cold to others; with such girls, it is best to move on as soon as you realize that you are not the type that they are looking for.
Tips on approaching girls in a bar or nightclub
- Do NOT use pickup lines (particularly the ones that you have read in a book or learned from a friend). Most women have heard them all and actually get turned off by stupid pickup lines.
- Be natural, be yourself.
- It is stupid to think of every girl you meet in the bar as romantic material. You first have to know the person and only then you can think of something beyond it.
- Try to have an easy, friendly conversation rather than make suggestive comments or make the other person feel uncomfortable or irritated. Just talk to her as you would talk to another guy first. Don't try to impress her with a lot of BS thinking that she will go home with you because of that.
- Try to be as non-threatening as you can but be confident and demonstrate your self esteem.
- Try approaching a woman as you would approach a new colleague or friend or any male stranger. Women are not strange creatures from another planet. They typically like the same types of conversations that you do and want to be treated like everybody else.
- To start off, talk about something totally unrelated to her (unless you have some other common link, e.g. "Oh I see from your T-shirt that you went to NYU. Me too. I graduated last year from the business school. What did you study?) You could comment on the atmosphere inside the club or talk about the weather or even comment on a major news of the day or ask her what she is drinking.
- After you make that initial conversation you can make a comment about her to make her feel good. Something alone the lines of praising her handbag or an accessory and make it genuine and original. An example: "I like your necklace. I have been a big fan of silver designs since I learned some metallurgy in high school. I actually made some designs myself as a hobby when I was in college."
- And then just follow the conversation along. Here are five other points to keep in mind as you follow the conversation: (a) stick to a topic of mutual interest and change the topic if you are reaching a dead end (b) Show interest in her and her life without getting too personal (c) be a good listener (d) ask open-ended questions (e) don't dominate the conversation.
Related articles: How to read body language before making a move?