Availability of online dating has allowed most people to find good relationships (Related article: Online dating works for women). They just have more choices and we believe that when we have more choices we are likely to find a better match, and thus, better relationship. However, online dating websites (particularly those that are free to use) are full of men (mostly) and women who want to cheat (Related article: Men who cheat online). Since many of these relationships are limited to emails, chatting, or phone calls, they are less harmful than those that are physical from day one. Because of this difference, many people argue that an online dating websites as a single, plays games, asks for ASL, and of course, pictures. He is 53 year old and is cheating online with 26 year olds. He has several email addresses and keeps changing them often. He says it means nothing and that he will never see them. I say it is still cheating. He bought a brand new computer and locks me out. I know he is cheating and I have evidence. Is this still wrong? I think so and it hurts. He has a daughter who is 26 and an online friend too who is also only 26 that he chats with and sneaks phone calls to. He swears he loves me but shows more emotion for these online women than me. I am no fat, ugly duckling and have never refused his desires. He does not want to leave me either. I love him but I want him to myself. Should i divorce him or cheat also?"
Is Lani's husband committing adultery?
In our opinion, he is. We believe that sharing your emotions with anyone other than your current partner is adultery whether the relationship is physically consummated or not. The time that this man spends online with his friends is stolen from his spouse and when there are so many other women competing for his emotions he will not have much left for his wife. So when he is telling Lani about loving her, he is just using her. If he truly loved her, he wouldn't need to have his profile on personals website.
What should Lani do?
While both options that Lani is considering are the easy ones, we don't support either of them. We are strongly opposed to divorce as the first resort since we belive that divorces are destroying our society and if people start filing for divorces rather than working to mend their relationships, it is not helpful to anyone, particularly not to kids (Related article: How to save your marriage?). Similarly, we have supported adultery in some cases, but we do not think that Lani's case meets our strict criteria (Related article: Adultery acceptable sometimes).
Therefore, Lani needs to find out what is wrong with her relationship. What she needs to do is to have a serious conversation with her husband and ask him to stop cheating online immediately plus visit a marriage counselor as a couple. They both need to work on their relationship. Right now, it is broken no matter what the guy says. If not fixed, it will only get worse.
As already said above, adultery is not going to help her in anyway at all. However, if none of her efforts yield positive results, she should then consider divorce.