Let us take a look at Diane's case. She says, "My husband and I were intimate off and on before we got married. He had slept with a lot of women before the marriage. I amm 6 six years older and in GREAT shape (I'm 40, he's 34). However the DAY we got married, he NEVER wanted to be intimate AGAIN. Made EVERY excuse I have ever heard of. We were intimate just 3 times in the first 5 months and somehow I still got pregnant and that was the END of ALL physical contact between us. I did everything you have said in your article (Physical intimacy needed for stronger relationships - Tips on how to get in the mood) and cried and begged. After 18 months and his refusal to go to counseling, I finally found someone else to at least hold and kiss me. Though my new friend and I have never been intimate, the touching feels nice. Yet now that my husband sees me finding someone else...he wants to be physically intimate with me and work things out. I agree IF there is no really intimacy, people find it somewhere else. I was married for 15 years before and understand how important intimacy is in making or breaking the relationship, There are many other things that have affected the marriage (he's been unemployed for months and doesn't take care of himself anymore either). It's just sad that it happens more than anyone would like."
What can couples do to make sure that they are there for each other both physically and emotionally?
- Talk, talk, talk. Try to understand your partner. Ask questions and listen carefully.
- Empathize. Try to step into her or his shoes, and see things from another perspective.
- You gotta do a lot of things even if you hate them if you want to keep your relationship.
- Seek help. There is a lot out there: therapists, websites, videos, books, friends, family members, etc.
A wonderful movie in this context is "Shall We Dance?" (Japanese, but with sub-titles in English). Most Japanese movies never make it to America but this is one of those very few that did and there is a Hollywood version being made with Jennifer Lopez and Richard Gere. Shohei Sugiyama is a typical forty-two year old Japanese businessman (or a salaryman, as they are called in Japan) who is going through a classic mid-life crisis (Related article: How to deal with mid-life crisis?). Without telling his wife, he joins dancing classes and even ends up participating in a major competition. She eventually does find out and it all ends with a happy note, but the big lesson is that when we face resistance or lack of understanding from our partner (but feel so strongly about something, particularly while going through a mid-life crisis), we tend to hide the facts from our partner. Good or bad; depends on who you ask?
Here is some advice for couples:
- Give your spouse some freedom and space. Let him/her do some things, no questions asked, even if it is against your values.
- Mid-life crisis is tough. Be supportive rather than abandoning your partner.
- Be open-minded. Just because your partner wants something that you think is 'bad', don't close your mind to the possibilities. Who knows that both of you can work out some kind of a compromise so that it is 'good' for both of you!
Recommended article: Effect of mid-life crisis on relationships
Monday, September 27, 2004
How to date after 30?
Nancy is a truly remarkable woman: intelligent, attractive, and intriguing. No wonder too many men like her but few catch her fancy. She is now sharing her story in an online diary form at MYNIPPON. You will not only learn more about Nancy as a person but you will also read in detail about her romantic adventures in finding the man of her dreams after she is thirty.
Recommended link: Find a man after you are 30
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Always read your credit reports
Buried in student loans?
Avoid filing for bankruptcy, if you can
Consolidate your debt if your personal finances are not in great shape
Our research shows that once you learn to manage your finances well, everything else falls into place. Good or bad, money is a critical part of life and unless we learn to treat money with respect, nothing else goes right. Only if our finances are in good shape, our relationships work great, our friends want to talk to us, and we can pursue our dreams.
Related link: Personal finance for women
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Availability of online dating has allowed most people to find good relationships (Related article: Online dating works for women). They just have more choices and we believe that when we have more choices we are likely to find a better match, and thus, better relationship. However, online dating websites (particularly those that are free to use) are full of men (mostly) and women who want to cheat (Related article: Men who cheat online). Since many of these relationships are limited to emails, chatting, or phone calls, they are less harmful than those that are physical from day one. Because of this difference, many people argue that an online dating websites as a single, plays games, asks for ASL, and of course, pictures. He is 53 year old and is cheating online with 26 year olds. He has several email addresses and keeps changing them often. He says it means nothing and that he will never see them. I say it is still cheating. He bought a brand new computer and locks me out. I know he is cheating and I have evidence. Is this still wrong? I think so and it hurts. He has a daughter who is 26 and an online friend too who is also only 26 that he chats with and sneaks phone calls to. He swears he loves me but shows more emotion for these online women than me. I am no fat, ugly duckling and have never refused his desires. He does not want to leave me either. I love him but I want him to myself. Should i divorce him or cheat also?"
Is Lani's husband committing adultery?
In our opinion, he is. We believe that sharing your emotions with anyone other than your current partner is adultery whether the relationship is physically consummated or not. The time that this man spends online with his friends is stolen from his spouse and when there are so many other women competing for his emotions he will not have much left for his wife. So when he is telling Lani about loving her, he is just using her. If he truly loved her, he wouldn't need to have his profile on personals website.
What should Lani do?
While both options that Lani is considering are the easy ones, we don't support either of them. We are strongly opposed to divorce as the first resort since we belive that divorces are destroying our society and if people start filing for divorces rather than working to mend their relationships, it is not helpful to anyone, particularly not to kids (Related article: How to save your marriage?). Similarly, we have supported adultery in some cases, but we do not think that Lani's case meets our strict criteria (Related article: Adultery acceptable sometimes).
Therefore, Lani needs to find out what is wrong with her relationship. What she needs to do is to have a serious conversation with her husband and ask him to stop cheating online immediately plus visit a marriage counselor as a couple. They both need to work on their relationship. Right now, it is broken no matter what the guy says. If not fixed, it will only get worse.
As already said above, adultery is not going to help her in anyway at all. However, if none of her efforts yield positive results, she should then consider divorce.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
New "Lifestyle" channel launched today
- Luxurious living
- Latest toys (meaning electronics, cars, etc.)
- Personal finance
- Leisure and travel
- Home and family
To start off thre a few articles (and three of them are listed below) so please take a look and do let us know what you think:
Tips for women to find out if men are interested in them
- Men like to hunt and win so many of them think it is below them to admit to the woman they like that they do like her. What they like to do is to have the woman come to them so they feel that they won her. So ladies, look for a sign that you are on his radar screen and then let him just feel that he hunted you down.
- Watch out for change in attitude and demeanor of a man when he is romantically interested in women. Like women, he is likely to get all emotional, shy, and more self-conscious when he is around you if he likes you.
- Be careful if the man is shy. Look for any signs of furtive glances. If so, approach him directly and drive the process of seduction yourself.
Related article: How to seduce a shy man?
Friday, September 10, 2004
Trish, one of our readers, seems to agree with most of the arguments put forward by Dr. Warren but she thinks that not all people mature at the same time. She writes, "I definitely understand what Dr. Warren is saying, but he cannot base society as a whole for being imature from the ages of 18-22. I am 21 and will be 22 shortly. I have been living on my own now for the past year and a half, have a full-time job, still attend college full-time, and understand myself as an individual. I have also been in a relationship for the past two years. We are serious and know that we will get married to each other someday, but first have to do things for ourselves (finishing college, living on our own, etc.) before we take the next step in life. I want my "future husband" to be well-educated and to gain his own independence before I ever marry him. We will probably get married at 23/24 and we both don't want children (maybe later in live late 20's early 30's). The couple you used as an example clearly didn't think about the "marriage" bit, only about the "in love" part. Yes, being in love is great, especially when you have found your soulmate, but marriage is lots of work and I personally believe that 18 year olds don't have what it takes to keep a marriage alive. There isn't a "right age" to get married. It all depends on the maturity level of that couple, but in today's society people take a little bit longer to grow-up."
What do you think? When did you get married or when do you plan to get married? Do you think you know what marriage means? Share your thoughts with us.
Related article: When only one partner is mature (old?), how to deal with the situation
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Believe it or not, the popularity of lingerie among men was driven by women and not men. At some point, women refused to accept that men should only wear ugly boxers (Related article: Boxers are out, thongs are in) and boring T-shirts. Women now demand that men present a tasteful image in the bedroom. Read another story that we did on what kind of lingerie women want men to wear.
But it is not an easy road for men. In most cases, they have a few choices, or even worse, forced to wear what is clearly not designed for them. At least that is what David Beckham reportedly does and other couples are doing the same - sharing their lingerie.
Related article: Choices for men with lingerie are still limited
Men who wear lingerie are not all gay
Feminine lingerie for men
Men who enjoy wearing women's lingerie
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Denice, who is dating a man 17 years her junior, says, "I think the only one who cares is the younger man because he may look as though he has settled for 'less' and may be seen as one who needs taking care of. My boyfriend so wishes we weren't 17 years apart and usually doesn't let me around his friends. At first I thought it was because of the age, but then when I asked him, he tells me it was because they would find me attractive. I hope he was telling the truth but I still think I'll have to be with him 10 years before he relaxes and lets everyone know how hot he gets with me. 25 year olds won't let water roll off their backs like I can."
Teresa, a 40-year old in Canada, says, "I thought all was lost for I like significantly younger men. When I'm with them I forget my age as well. I'd rather be with someone I am comfortable with and have fun with. I'm simply not at all attracted to men near my age and I thought initially there might be something wrong with me. It is true that in today's society it is hard to get that younger man interested in you long term but I am finding that a large number of good men are more open minded now." (Read more cases of mature women falling in love with younger men)
MYNIPPON's interviews with couples (mature woman-younger man) show that what matters in a relationship is not the age gap but the chemistry. When chemistry is absent, no matter how close your age and backgrounds are, the relationship is doomed.
Related articles: Mature women find satisfaction with younger men
How to catch the attention of younger men
Rules for dating younger guys
Challenges of dating younger men
Monday, September 06, 2004
It is not always easy even for the most talkative and smart guys to find the right things to say to a girl when they come across one. The problem get further compounded when you actually like the girl (most of you get really nervous then). No one knows why this happens though there are several theories out there (when you are genuinely attracted, you are less inclined to take the risk since you are afraid that a mistake could hurt you; that is one theory). However, the same folks find it easy to engage in small conversation with a woman at the counter in a bank or while checking in at the airport or even while chatting with someone next to you in a long line. This article talks about how to use these skills that you already have in a bar on a girl that you like.
Martin is one of those people who has this problem. He says, "I have a dilemma. I just don't know what to say to girls I find attractive in a nightclub or a girl I just fancy in the street. Please help me."
Well, insofar as fancying a girl in the street is concerned, it is not easy for anyone. First of all, in a public place where people are going about their own business, it is not always polite to hit on perfect strangers. It can come across as offensive and threatening. If you do happen to be in close proximity, however, for whatever reason (say while buying coffee in a coffee shop or while riding together in the elevator), it is perfectly acceptable to have small conversation about the weather or to praise her outfit. Some of these innocent conversations can actually result in a friendship. Marcia Cross met Tim Mahoney in a flower shop where he was buying flowers for another woman. Natasha Henstridge met Darius Danesh at a traffic stoplight on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles.
In a nightclub, the situation is different. Most people go to nightclub to meet new people and they are prepared to be approached by strangers. Most people actually look forward to it and even welcome it if done the right way. Yes, there might be some shy people but you just need to appreciate their personality and approach them differently. Others might want just certain types of men to approach them and will act cold to others; with such girls, it is best to move on as soon as you realize that you are not the type that they are looking for.
Tips on approaching girls in a bar or nightclub
- Do NOT use pickup lines (particularly the ones that you have read in a book or learned from a friend). Most women have heard them all and actually get turned off by stupid pickup lines.
- Be natural, be yourself.
- It is stupid to think of every girl you meet in the bar as romantic material. You first have to know the person and only then you can think of something beyond it.
- Try to have an easy, friendly conversation rather than make suggestive comments or make the other person feel uncomfortable or irritated. Just talk to her as you would talk to another guy first. Don't try to impress her with a lot of BS thinking that she will go home with you because of that.
- Try to be as non-threatening as you can but be confident and demonstrate your self esteem.
- Try approaching a woman as you would approach a new colleague or friend or any male stranger. Women are not strange creatures from another planet. They typically like the same types of conversations that you do and want to be treated like everybody else.
- To start off, talk about something totally unrelated to her (unless you have some other common link, e.g. "Oh I see from your T-shirt that you went to NYU. Me too. I graduated last year from the business school. What did you study?) You could comment on the atmosphere inside the club or talk about the weather or even comment on a major news of the day or ask her what she is drinking.
- After you make that initial conversation you can make a comment about her to make her feel good. Something alone the lines of praising her handbag or an accessory and make it genuine and original. An example: "I like your necklace. I have been a big fan of silver designs since I learned some metallurgy in high school. I actually made some designs myself as a hobby when I was in college."
- And then just follow the conversation along. Here are five other points to keep in mind as you follow the conversation: (a) stick to a topic of mutual interest and change the topic if you are reaching a dead end (b) Show interest in her and her life without getting too personal (c) be a good listener (d) ask open-ended questions (e) don't dominate the conversation.
Related articles: How to read body language before making a move?
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Make money the MYNIPPON way
A lot of you have been closely observing (some for years) our success as a website. In our existence for approximately we have made tremendous progress and turned this website into a highly profitable website. So it has not been a big surprise that many of you have asked us about our secrets of success and how we make money. Please keep reading and in the end please follow the articles with more information.
It got to a point that we decided to share the secrets with our fans. Right away, we can say that it has been a lot of hard work using honest and ethical business principles. We at eCreativa Media are truly convinced that you can not build a business and make money if you do not do what is right for your customers. Everyday we find the best possible advice on a variety of topics and bring it to you in a way that you can use it and improve your life.
So can you do what we do and also make money?
- Yes, it is actually easy. The only requirement is that you should enjoy telling stories about things that you know well. And now Google has made it possible for you to turn your storytelling into a way to make money. You do not have to sell anything (Google does it for you). All you do is to write interesting articles and then make money from advertising.
- You will need to have the capacity to type and do a little bit of formatting. So if you can use computers you will be all set.
- You will need to be disciplined and committed to making your website (or blog) work. It is very likely that for the first few weeks you will have very little, or even no, income. If you get discouraged and abandon your efforts, you will be committing a big mistake. If you keep going steadily, eventually your website will build up and you will see the results. Even if you put in one hour a day for 3 months, you should see encouraging results.
- Research, research, research! It is key to success. Learn as much as you can about how to run your, business and of course, about the topics that you plan to write about. Visit new websites, check out what they offer, how can you use their product/service, what can you learn from them, etc.
In order to share our secrets, we have launched a totally new blog for those of you who want to become entrepreneurs (at least as a secondary source of income). We strongly encourage you to sign up (the link is at the bottom right of each page) so that you will know when there is a new tip on the website. Here are two articles that you might find useful to start off: